The Maze Bummer: A Parody of The Maze Runner

“Wake up, sleepyklunk!”

Newt’s voice awoke Thomas just before sunrise. Thomas didn’t want to get up, but he had to. Today was his first day of work.

Every dude in the Sausage Fest had some job or other. For the next week Thomas was supposed to work in a different job every day, and at the end of the week he’d be assigned a permanent job by the Keepers.

“Ready to start earnin’ your pizza?” said Newt.

“I guess I don’t have a choice,” Thomas said.

“Right that,” said Newt. “Today you’ll start with the klunkers.”

Not the klunkers, thought Thomas.

Newt and Thomas walked over to Lake Klunk, where workers had already begun carting wheelbarrows of klunk to the shore. Newt led Thomas over to a dude with a clipboard who was wearing a shirt that said “I ♥ KLUNK.”

“Thomas, meet Buttpan, Keeper of the klunkers,” said Newt.

“Welcome to Lake Klunk,” said Buttpan. “Grab a shovel.”

The next four hours were one giant klunkfest. Shoveling klunk. Wheeling klunk around. Dumping klunk. And saying “klunk” over and over again because this was your job.

Finally it was time for Thomas’s lunch break. Thomas was starving from all the hard work he’d just done, but as he ate his pizza he started thinking about how the pizza would eventually turn to klunk, and then that klunk would need to be shoveled and wheeled around and dumped, and he lost his appetite.

As Thomas was walking back to Lake Klunk after lunch, he was surprised to see a Jogger run in from the Maze and collapse in front of him, exhausted. The day was barely half over and the Joggers weren’t due back for hours.

“Hey, you okay?” said Thomas.

“I’m fine, shank,” said the Jogger. “Just need to catch my breath.”

“Why are you back so early?” said Thomas.

“Saw something I gotta report to the other Keepers.”

“The other Keepers?” said Thomas. “Are you the Keeper of the Joggers?”

“Right that,” said the Jogger. “Name’s Minho.”

“So…is there really no chance of me being a Jogger if I’m not Asian?” said Thomas.

“Nope,” said Minho.

“But why?” said Thomas.

“’Cause joggers need to be smart,” said Minho, tapping his forehead.

“Ohhhh, now I get it,” said Thomas, “Asians get to be the joggers because they’re really smart.”

Minho shook his head and laughed. “Dude, we’re no smarter than anyone else here.”

“But then why are only Asians the Joggers?” said Thomas.

“Because idiot white frat guys think Asians are really smart,” said Minho.

“But doesn’t that stereotype annoy you?” said Thomas. “Why not just tell everybody it’s false?”

“You think I wanna be shoveling klunk all day?” said Minho.

Nope, you certainly don’t, thought Thomas.

Alby came running up and looked at Minho with surprise. “What are you doing back?” said Alby.

“Saw something out there,” said Minho.

“Other Joggers’ junk?” said Alby.

“Of course,” said Minho. “But also something new: a dead Heaver.”