The Maze Bummer: A Parody of The Maze Runner

Alby looked stunned. “A dead Heaver?” he said. “Why didn’t you bring it back?”

“Because I didn’t have a forklift with me,” said Minho.

“Tell you what,” said Alby, “first thing tomorrow I’ll go out there with you and we’ll carry it back. Maybe if we examine it we can figure out how to shut off those things.”

“I’ll go too!” said Thomas. “Don’t worry about me not being Asian, because the Asian kids are actually as stupid as the rest of you.”

“You ain’t going anywhere!” said Alby. “Ever since you showed up things have been going to klunk. First a hot girl arrives but she’s in a coma so nobody can hook up with her, then Ben attacks you and I gotta kill him, then someone writes ‘THIS PLACE SUX’ in klunk on the side of the frat house, and now we find a dead heaver!”

Shoot, I really should’ve written out the word “SUCKS”, thought Thomas. Oh well, maybe next time.

The following day Thomas was assigned to work in Box Forest, under the supervision of the forest’s Keeper, Boxhead.

“So Boxhead,” said Thomas while they were stacking boxes, “how many Keepers are there total?”

“Let’s see,” said Boxhead. “You got Newt and Alby, and then the heads of all the different jobs: the klunkers, the box stackers, the Med-jacks, the standups—”

“Standups?” said Thomas.

“Sure, they keep things light around here,” Boxhead said. “You’ve never seen their shows? They’ve got a stage behind the frat house.”

During his lunch break Thomas walked over to the stage, where one of the standups was in the middle of a routine.

“What’s the deal with the walls being 200 feet high?” said the standup. “Was 190 feet not high enough? And hey, how ‘bout those walls having to move to close the Sausage Fest? Hel-looo, ever heard of a door?” The audience laughed. “I mean, seriously,” said the standup, “they can build 200-foot-high walls and they can’t build a door?” The audience laughed again.

Thomas wanted to stay longer, but he had to grab some food. He’d already gotten sick of pizza, so he just took a bunch of those little plastic cheese containers they include when delivering pizza and headed back to work.

Thomas had hoped that he might enjoy working in Box Forest, but it turned out that stacking cardboard boxes all day wasn’t very much fun. Why can’t I be a Jogger? he thought. He didn’t know where the urge came from, but it was stronger than ever…just as strong as his urge to hang out with the girl who’d arrived yesterday. But he knew where that urge came from: his wiener.

One thing Thomas did enjoy about working at Box Forest was that he got to see all the other Sausage Festers when they brought over their empty boxes. About an hour after lunch, Newt came over with a box, and Thomas saw that he was looking distressed.

“I told you not to order the bread sticks,” said Thomas. “But noooooo, you wouldn’t listen.”

“It’s not that,” said Newt, “it’s Alby and Minho. They should’ve been back hours ago!”

As the sun was setting that night, Thomas, Newt, and Chuck stood at the west opening, anxiously looking into the Maze for any sign of Alby and Minho.

“So if Minho doesn’t come back, can I apply for the open Jogger position?” said Thomas.

“The only thing open is gonna be your klunkhole if you don’t shut the shank up!” said Newt.

The loud rumbling of the walls closing began, and Thomas, Newt, and Chuck all looked at each other with dread.

But then a flicker of movement in the Maze caught Thomas’s eyes.

It was Minho, dragging something toward the opening. But what he was dragging was heavy, and Minho couldn’t move fast.

Then Thomas realized that Minho was dragging Alby.

“The Heaver got to second base with him!” Minho shouted.

The opening in the walls kept shrinking as the walls continued to close. Minho was going as fast as he could, but Thomas saw he wasn’t going to make it.

Thomas stepped toward the opening.

“Thomas, no!” said Chuck.

“Do not do it, Tommy, and that’s an order!” said Newt.

“I’m not actually going out there, duh,” said Thomas. He started waving his arm in between the closing doors, like he remembered doing with an elevator in college to keep it from closing. He looked at Newt and Chuck and laughed. “You guys are gonna feel like idiots when you find out this works.”

“I’m not gonna make it!” shouted Minho, still struggling toward the opening.

“Take your time,” said Thomas, stepping out into the Maze while keeping his arm in between the closing doors. “I’m holding it for you.”

Suddenly Thomas’s arm felt like it was caught in a vise. He turned and saw that the walls were closing on it, and he barely managed to pry his arm out before the walls slammed shut.

Minho stood looking at Thomas in total shock.

“You think maybe they left a spare key under the doormat?” said Thomas.