The Maze Bummer: A Parody of The Maze Runner

Newt read the note out loud to the other Sausage Festers, and there was complete silence. Thomas couldn’t tell if this was because people were shocked by what had just happened, or simply depressed because they weren’t gonna get to see the girl without her clothes on.

“Med-jacks!” shouted Alby. Two uniformed boys ran over carrying a stretcher.

Thomas nudged Chuck, who was standing nearby. “Are the Med-jacks like your doctors?” Thomas asked.

Chuck nodded.

“How were those guys chosen to be the Med-jacks?” Thomas asked.

“They’re the only ones who got above a C in biology,” said Chuck.

One of the Med-jacks knelt down and listened to the girl’s heart with a stethoscope.

“She seems fine,” said the Med-jack. “I mean, fine to me, someone with no actual medical training.”

“Sounds good,” said Newt. “Take her to the frat house.”

The Med-jacks lifted the girl up, obviously trying to get their hands as close as they could to her butt without being so close they’d be accused of actually touching it. They carried her to the stretcher, reluctantly put her down, and took her away.

“Something seriously klunky is going on,” said Alby. “We need to call a Cock Convention.”

“What’s a Cock Convention?” Thomas whispered to Chuck.

“It’s a meeting of all the Keepers,” said Chuck. “The Keepers are the ones like Alby and Newt who run the Sausage Fest. They only meet when something big happens.”

“But why do they call it a ‘Cock Convention?’” Thomas asked.

“Because the name ‘Sausage Fest’ was taken,” said Chuck.

Thomas’s stomach grumbled. With all that had been going on since he’d arrived, he’d forgotten to eat a proper meal.

“Who do I need to speak to get some food at this place?” Thomas said.

“That would be Spatula,” said Chuck. “Follow me.”

Chuck led Thomas to the side of the frat house, where there was a window with a counter attached to the kitchen.

“What flavor do you like?” said Chuck.

“Excuse me?” said Thomas.

“Of pizza,” said Chuck.

That’s right, remembered Thomas, they only eat pizza.

“Pepperoni,” said Thomas.

Chuck walked up to the window. “Hey Spatula, can we get a large pepperoni?” he shouted.

Thomas waited for someone to take the order and start cooking, but nothing happened, except for a dude walking by the window while talking on the phone.

“Um, is Spatula even here?” said Thomas.

“You just saw him, klunkron,” said Chuck.

“The guy on the phone?” said Thomas. “Is he gonna keep talking or is he gonna make the pizza? I’m starving!”

“He was ordering it, klunk-for-brains.”

Ordering it?

A couple minutes later Thomas heard the metallic whirring of the Box. A couple dudes opened the Box’s large metal doors, and a guy in a pizza delivery shirt stepped out, holding a pizza.

“Who the heck is that?” said Thomas.

“It’s Fernando,” said Chuck.

The delivery guy walked over to Chuck and handed him the pizza.

“Gracias, Fernando,” said Chuck, handing him some cash. “Keep the change.”

“Muchas gracias!” said the delivery guy. He walked back to the Box, got inside, and descended out of view.

“But how…?” said Thomas.

Chuck shot him a look.

“Got it,” said Thomas. “No more questions.”