The Maze Bummer: A Parody of The Maze Runner

“You klunkin’ idiot!” said Minho. “I can’t believe you actually locked yourself out of the Sausage Fest.”

“It wouldn’t have happened in the first place if you’d just come back on time,” said Thomas. “What happened? I thought you were just going to get the dead Heaver.”

“Turns out it wasn’t dead,” said Minho, “it was just passed out after eating a really big plate of cheese fries. Oh crap, look!”

Thomas turned and saw a Heaver approaching from the end of the corridor.

“Run!” said Minho.

But Thomas didn’t run. Somehow he knew that running wouldn’t work, and that his only chance was to approach it. He took a deep breath and walked up to the Heaver.

“Thomas, are you crazy?” said Minho.

“Hey there,” Thomas said to the heaver. “So I was wondering, how about if I took you to dinner?”

The Heaver stopped and stared at Thomas.

“And I don’t mean a cheap dinner,” said Thomas. “I mean somewhere nice.”

The Heaver cocked its head, seeming confused.

“And you know what?” said Thomas. “Even if dinner goes great, I don’t think we should hook up on the first date. I want to really get to know you.”

The Heaver’s head started vibrating strongly back and forth.

“I want to hang out with you during the day, not just at night.”

The head was now vibrating so violently it looked like a blur.

“I even want to see you after we first have sex.”

The Heaver’s head exploded.

Thomas couldn’t believe it. He’d done it. He’d killed a Heaver.

Minho looked at Thomas in awe.

“How did you know how to do that?” said Minho.

Thomas shrugged. “I just knew,” he said. “But it makes total sense: Heavers are robots programmed to act like the girls who hang out at frats. Their circuitry can’t compute what I said to them, because they never hear it. So it self-destructed.”

“Look out!” shouted Minho. Thomas turned and saw that another Heaver had come around the corner and was now just a few feet away.

Thomas had to think fast. “I’m ok with us not hooking up every time we hang out!” he blurted.

The Heaver’s head vibrated violently and exploded.

“Look, there’s more!” said Minho.

At the end of the corridor four more Heavers were approaching. Too many of them, thought Thomas. He couldn’t woo one without offending the other three.

But miraculously, instead of continuing toward Thomas and Minho, the Heavers turned down another corridor and walked away.

“What the—?” said Minho. “I’ve never heard of a Heaver walking away from a dude before.”

“Maybe they’re not into Asian guys,” said Thomas. “Or guys with their junk hanging out.”

“Well let’s find out what they are into,” said Minho, taking off after the Heavers. “Come on!”