The Chrononauts

Time passed slowly. The D.A. had been having trouble sleeping for several months. “I hope I start feeling better soon.” He had seen the doctor, who gave him something to help him sleep better, but it did not help much. His wife was starting to worry about his depression.

Meanwhile, Brady and Grogan blew into the precinct about eight. Matt got there a few minutes later. Lieutenant Harvard had been there an hour and just shook his head at them. “You three losers didn’t get enough nappy time last night?”

He had scored the lowest on the lieutenant’s test but his uncle, a state senator, got him bumped to the top of the list. The captain figured it was just a matter of time until Harvard had his job.

There was always the real hope that someone would shoot the little prick or hang him from his Harvard Crimson tie. The odds of that happening dropped drastically if you removed the police themselves from the list.

Harvard barked at them, “Okay ladies, Big Red was found floating in the water by Fisherman’s Wharf. The ME figures he has been dead less than a day. Go sniff out your informants and see if you can find out anything. Chop. Chop. Daylight is burning.”

Grogan laughed at him. “Yes, sir, Lieutenant Harvard!” He gave him a crisp salute. Two hours later, Grogan and Brady found their favorite patsy Dave the Dork at his favorite spot, the Macy’s ladies’ changing room wall.

He was peering intently through a newly made hole at a two hundred pound woman trying to get in a size four dress. He was too occupied to notice the detectives approaching. “Yeah, baby, you can do it,” he eagerly encouraged.

Brady tapped him on the shoulder. Dave whispered in a raspy voice, “Get lost...go find your own peephole, you pervert.” Brady tried not to laugh aloud and just smiled. He bowed to Grogan to try his luck. Grogan tapped Dave’s shoulder a lot harder.

“Listen, you asshole, I said go screw yourself. I have police friends that love to give cavity searches,” he whispered, without removing his eye from the peep hole. Grogan chuckled and shook his head.

He waved Brady to the front. Brady stuck his gun against Dave’s groin. He yelped, “Okay. Okay. You have my full attention sir.” He was relieved to see Brady’s smiling face.

Grogan gave him a not-so-friendly stare. “What do you think you are doing, Dave?”

He stammered. “Well, Mother’s birthday is coming up and I wanted to see what would look nice on her.”

Brady chuckled. “It is good to see you still have your sense of humor...you’re going to need it.”

Grogan looked at his clothes with disgust. “Okay, before we talk, you want to pull up your fly? We wouldn’t want a little old lady to trip on that monster. By the way, did that come with training wheels?”

Dave gave him a sarcastic stare. “As a matter of fact, it didn’t. But your mom never complained about it, Grogan.”

Brady looked at his sticky hands. “Look, Dave, why don’t you go in the bathroom and wash your hands? And for God’s sake, eat a few breath mints.”

Dave smiled. “Good idea, detective. I wouldn’t want your wife’s lipstick on my hands. Hey, can I use the ladies’ room? The men’s room is so raunchy.”

Grogan shook his head. “No, use the men’s room. Someone spelled your name and ‘blowjob’ wrong in the second stall. Fix it before you wash your hands, okay, Dave?”

An unhappy Dave sighed, “Oh, you guys are a laugh a minute.” He slowly walked into the men’s room. The two detectives walked around to the back and grabbed Dave as he crawled out the back window.

Grogan grabbed his foot. “Here, let me help you down, Dave.” He swore and looked at his now-greasy hands.

He peered over at Brady who quickly backed up. “You touch me with those hands, Grogan, and I’ll shoot you.”

Grogan looked over at Dave. “God, don’t you ever wash that jacket?”

A miffed Dave snorted, “No, never. This is my lucky jacket. So what do you guys want with me?”

Brady stared at him. “We are investigating the murder of Big Red last night.”

Dave folded his arms and tapped his foot. “I never heard of him.”

Brady chuckled, “Oh? Well, how about Papa Doc?”

Dave squeaked, “I never heard of him even more.” His foot tapping became quicker. He tried to walk off, but Grogan grabbed him. “Take it easy, Dave. We believe you, but our captain said to bring you in. We will show you around and maybe buy you some lunch.”

Dave’s brown eyes opened wide. “Are you crazy? They will think I talked to you and kill me...oh, yeah...you already thought of that. At least tell me how you knew I was there?” He looked at their faces. “Oh! You assholes didn’t know.” He sighed. “I’ll tell you what I know, but you have to let me go right now.”

Grogan nodded. “Okay, it’s a deal, Dave.”

Dave started talking fast. “Papa was selling coke to Big Red. Red paid him in funny money. Papa didn’t appreciate the humor of the situation and shot Big Red with an antique pistol.”

He continued. “His two body guards were shot by some distinguished-looking old fart who arrived earlier in a limo. The bodies were tossed off Fisherman’s Wharf, I think. I didn’t see that part. That’s it. Good morning, gentlemen.” He quickly walked away with his hands in his pockets, glancing back every few steps.

The detectives returned to the squad room and told the captain and Harvard that Dave the Dork had witnessed the whole episode.

Harvard listened intently. “So where did you find him?”

Brady looked pleadingly at the captain, who nodded. A reluctant Brady sighed. “He was down at Macy’s, looking through a hole into the ladies’ changing room.” Harvard nodded and casually left the room to get a cup of coffee.

The detectives filled in the captain about Dave. He had a degree in computer science and a doctorate in harassing females, hence his unemployment.

Grogan laughed. “His only known income is doctoring Papa Doc’s ledgers. But he must have another source of cash. He always has a lot of money on him.”

The captain nodded as he finished his second Bavarian crème doughnut. “Put someone on him; we don’t want another accident.”

Harvard was back and chirped, “I’ll handle that for you, captain.”

The captain snarled at Harvard, “The last three witnesses you handled for me are dead. Stay away from him. That is an order, Lieutenant.”

Harvard turned red. “I am a lieutenant; I deserve respect.” The captain smiled, “When you do something without getting people in your care killed, maybe you will get some. Only four of us know about Dave. I trust Grogan, Brady, and myself...nothing better happen to Dave.”

A defensive Harvard stuttered, “I don’t think my uncle will like the way you are talking to me.”

The captain stood up and turned bright red. “Then he really won’t like what I do to you if anything happens to Dave.”

Brady got a surprise call from his very happy wife. “It is so beautiful, sweetheart. The jewelry store delivered it in a limo with a guard. You finally remembered my birthday.” She gushed, “Can we really afford it? The coin is genuine gold. It is real pirate treasure and with the yellow diamonds...Think of all the people that held it over three hundred years.”

Brady gulped. “I’m glad you like it, dear. I’ll meet you at the Red Lobster at six for supper.”

He sat staring at the phone.

Curious, Matt asked, “What’s up, Tommy?”

Brady said softly, “She called me ’sweetheart’. She never calls me sweetheart. There is something funny going on here.” Harvard returned to his desk and saw a large envelope lying on it. “What the hell is this?”

Grogan gave him a sarcastic smile. “I heard the guy say it was a copy of the captain’s test from your uncle.”

Harvard fumed. “That is very funny, Detective Grogan.”

Harvard tore the envelope open. There was a court summons and a picture of his red 1958 Corvette with him pointing at the bumper sticker, “Honk if you had sex with my wife.” Another one, below it, read “WAY TOO MUCH HONKING.”

It was on the front page of the Tribune. In lipstick, across the paper was written, “My lawyer says hi.”

Harvard yelled, “SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!!!” He shoved the envelope in his drawer and ran down stairs to check his car’s bumper.

Curious, Grogan opened his drawer with a pencil. He laughed, and said, “SHIT!” He took pictures of everything and ran out to buy some newspapers.

Harvard was scraping the bumper sticker off as he left the garage. Grogan got a couple shots of him, too. He e-mailed all of the photos to the other detectives.

He got back to the precinct in time to hear Harvard get reamed out by his dear uncle, Senator Howard. “I don’t know where it came from. Yes, I know. Stay out of the paper. Yes, Uncle Howard. Yes, Senator Howard. Yes, sir.”

Dave came up the stairs in a white lab coat and yelled, “Hey, Lieutenant, you know you’re in the paper?”

Grogan laughed. “I’m pretty sure he does.”

The officer watching Dave the Dork went missing, along with Dave. Papa Doc ranted. “I don’t care what the little prick says. They are loose ends. Waste them both.” Tricky Dick dumped their bodies in the ocean. He weighted them down with a pair of old red bricks.

Brady told Matt about the call from his wife. The two detectives went down to the only jewelry shop in town to see what they could find out. The owner greeted Brady like a long-lost brother. Brady told Matt he had never seen him before. The owner laughed. “Oh, you are so funny, Mr. Brady.”

Matt whispered, “That must be one hell of a piece of jewelry, Tommy.”

Brady gulped loudly. “Ah, did I pay for it, Mr. Antonio?”

“No sir.”

“So, how much was it again?”

Antonio thought a moment. “Well, you supplied the gold doubloon, but the chain and mount were twenty-carat gold and with the yellow diamonds... twenty-one thousand dollars, with the bonus for having it ready in time for your wife’s birthday.” Brady had to be held up by a laughing Matt.

Brady squeaked, “So I owe you twenty-one thousand dollars?”

Antonio laughed. “You’re so funny. You know Mr. Wonderful paid for everything.”

Matt chuckled. “Nice friend you got, Brady.”

Brady croaked with relief. “I’ll let you know when I meet him.”

The two bodies showed up floating at Fisherman’s Wharf. Dave checked them out. “Some rocket scientist weighed each man down with one brick each.”

Grogan chuckled. “They should have used some of our doughnuts.”

Dave laughed, “Well, either Harvard is innocent or they don’t like their pal Harvard.”

Matt frowned. “I think it is both,” he said as he and Brady came in the squad room door.

Grogan spoke. “The captain is in a meeting with the dear commissioner and Harvard. He said to tell you and Matt to go back down to Macy’s and see if you can find anything, since we have zip now.”

Brady laughed. “Yes sir, Lieutenant Grogan.”

Brady was just happy to be out of the jewelry shop. The pair roamed the mall for an hour but found none of their usual informants.

A young girl had been watching them for half an hour. She approached them in a pink dress, shaking her head. “Are you two dorks supposed to be cops?” she asked, with her hands on her hips.

Matt looked at Brady with an embarrassed look. “Why yes, we are.” She stared at them up and down for several seconds.

She chuckled, “You guys are not very good at your jobs, are you?”

Matt laughed, “That one’s for you, Brady.”

Brady smiled at her. “Why do you say that?”

She looked exasperated. “Well, because those two stiffs over my right shoulder have been dogging you for half an hour for starters. The one in the tan coat is the leader and they are both carrying. I had you two pegged for gay hookers until I saw the weapons bulges... so is that information worth something to you boys?”

Matt laughed, “Okay, here is some money for ice cream.” She frowned. “Are you kidding me? I was thinking more in the line of ten bucks.”

Brady looked at a smiling Matt and sighed. He handed the girl ten bucks. She stuck it in her sock, along with a huge roll of bills and skipped off. The detectives watched her disappear around the corner.

Matt chuckled and shook his head. “Well, let’s go get our ten-bucks’ worth of bad guys.” The two tails did not know they had been compromised until Brady stuck a gun in the surprised leader’s back.

Matt smiled, “Gentlemen, meet Detective Brady, and I am Detective Meagher.”

The leader was impressed. “How did you make us? We were really careful.”

Brady frowned at him. “What do you think we are, rookies?”

Matt smiled at him and went through their pockets. “They have permits.”

Brady put his weapon away. “Okay, let’s hear it.”

The tan coated leader started talking. “We work for Senator Abel. He is looking for dirt on Senator Howard and he thinks his nephew is dirty. He thinks it is fishy that every witness Lieutenant Harvard was supposed to protect got killed.”

He continued, “Abel is an asshole, but he is usually correct about people and Howard is a psychopath.”

Matt tried not to smile. “We noticed a little girl put you on to us...how much money did she get out of you?”

The two men looked at each other. “Boy, you two guys are good! We gave her twenty bucks.”

Brady smiled. “If you find out anything, give us a call.” The leader chuckled at Brady. “Hey...you guys think he is dirty, too!”

Matt just smiled. “Have a nice day, gentlemen.”

As they walked away, Brady whispered. “She liked us better. She only charged us ten dollars.”

Matt cackled. “No, she looked at your nineties-era suit and figured that was all you could afford.”

Brady chuckled. “Hey, my wife bought me that jacket. She thinks the powder blue matches my eyes.” He blinked them at a chuckling Matt. They got back to the squad room and were pleased to see the captain reaming out Harvard again.

They were even more pleased to get the e-mails from Grogan with the bumper sticker pictures. Harvard came out of the office red-faced with his tail between his legs. Matt and Brady were laughing at the bumper sticker e-mails.

Angrily, Harvard yelled at them, “Don’t you two detectives have any work to do?”

Brady laughed at him, “Like what? We are waiting for the warrants on the people who knew where Dave was going to be.” Matt said, “Maybe the phone traffic could give us a lead.” Harvard looked surprised. “Oh yes, the traffic. You can’t get that without more evidence than you have. My uncle is a lawyer. I will ask him.”

Matt looked at him with raised eyebrows. “Don’t bother, it was sent to Judge Cambridge and he loves us.” A worried Harvard nodded. He knew the judge hated Senator Howard and he would give Brady and Matt a lot of room.

Harvard laughed, “Well, let’s make sure. It is no problem at all to check.”

That evening, Brady walked into the Red Lobster with his wife, who was wearing a lime green dress with her blonde hair up.

The owner came running over to greet them. “Mr. and Mrs. Brady, I haven’t seen you for such a long time.”

He gushed, “How are you? Your meal is free, of course. Is your friend coming?” The Bradys both looked confused. “I see you are wearing the gold doubloon Mr. Wonderful gave you.”

Brady looked at his wife. “I thought I was Mr. Wonderful, dear?”

She smiled at him. “Well, there are just so many of you.” She looked at the owner for help.

The owner looked hurt. “You don’t remember Antonio?” He pulled out his doubloon. “See, he gave me one, too. Mrs. B. looked at them side by side. They were both dated 1657. “He is very rich, yes?”

Brady smirked. “Apparently, he is very rich.”

Mrs. B. fluttered her eyelashes at her husband. “So dear, have you been taking bribes again?”

Meanwhile, Harvard had been busy quashing the warrant with the help of his dear uncle Senator Howard. He then trudged downstairs and started going through the garage video feed to see who put the bumper sticker on his Corvette.

He watched it with the guard. They saw a flash of white. He yelled. “Stop the tape. What the hell is that?”

The guard laughed. “It’s just a bird, Lieutenant. We get a lot of hawks and owls in here looking for rats.”

A red-faced Harvard screamed. “Look. The stupid bird is sitting right in front of the camera eating a dead rat.” Five minutes later, the owl flew off and the bumper sticker was on the car. The bird took a dump over Harvard’s car on the way out of the garage. Harvard yelled in disgust. “Shit!”

The guard tried not to laugh. “Yes, I think so, Lieutenant. Ah, too bad your top was down.”

Harvard was seething. “I don’t believe it. Some asshole put the damn sticker on my car exactly when that stupid peacock was in front of the damn camera.”

The guard smiled. “I think it was an owl, Lieutenant.”

Mrs. B. sipped her drink. “The jeweler told me that the necklace cost twenty thousand dollars. Are you sure you haven’t gone over to the dark side, dear?”

Brady sighed. “When you phoned me, I didn’t know what you were talking about. I then realized I had forgotten your birthday again. I still have no clue what is going on or who my new favorite person in the world, Mr. Wonderful, is.”

She laughed, “I married you for your face and pretty butt dear, not your memory. Now eat up. You have major nappy time coming in a couple hours.” Brady smiled and blushed.

The next morning, Harvard arrived early and parked directly in front of the camera. He walked completely around his car and made sure it was locked four times. He confidently went upstairs.

An irate captain was waiting for him. “I got a call from Judge Cambridge. He said he approved our warrant but you and your uncle quashed it. I told you to stay out of it, but, you arrogant little prick, you went around me.”

Harvard yelled back, “Well, it was illegal.”

The captain raged, “If you can’t do your job correctly...I can’t fire you quite yet.”

Harvard looked smug. “Well, you better hurry; my uncle is opening a competency hearing on you.”

The captain laughed. “They will drop it when they find it was not me that hired you.” All the detectives stared at Harvard when he came out. He just gave them a sarcastic smile.

Grogan chuckled at him. “You will get yours, Harvard.” Brady let him have it next. “How do you sleep at night with your nose up your uncle’s ass...snorkel?”

Harvard sighed, “Keep it up, boys; when I am captain, you’ll all be gone.”

Matt laughed, “Can we have that in writing, Lieutenant Harvard? Matt laughed at his computer screen. “Well, maybe not if your uncle shoots you first. Congrats on making the front page again.”

The other detectives heard their e-mails ding and opened them up. They all laughed at the same time. Harvard looked confused and then heard his e-mail ding and opened it.

Harvard went nuts. “One of you detectives did this to me!

I know it is one of you non-Ivy League losers.” The detectives looked at each other and knew at once it was not one of them.

Harvard whined, “My uncle is going to kill me.” He looked down at the screen. The Golden Banana is behind Senator Howard. There is a picture under the banner of Harvard and his uncle wearing just thongs and smiling.

It even had the senator’s inner leg birthmark shaped like Texas. There was also a picture of the senator with two young boys in thongs with New York Jets jerseys, sitting on his lap. The captain came out. “So Harvard, can I get this autographed by your uncle for my wall?”

Harvard got a call from the parking garage. “What?” A red-faced Harvard raced down to the guard station. Someone had put another bumper sticker on his car. The guard and Harvard started looking through the video footage.

Harvard saw something. “Stop the video. What the...” There was a little brown-haired girl in a blue-checkered school uniform erotically licking a chocolate ice cream cone in front of the camera.

The guard laughed. “Look, she is talking to someone behind her. Wow, she is pissed. Okay, she is finally leaving. Damn. They did it to you again, Lieutenant Harvard.”

Harvard sighed and shook his head, “If you can stop laughing for a minute, can you burn me a copy?” He went back upstairs to the squad room. Grogan was alone with a doughnut in one hand scrolling down his computer screen. “Grogan, stop whatever you are doing. I need you to find this girl.”

Grogan whined at him, “But the captain said to look through phone records.”

Harvard spouted, “This is more important.” He plugged in the CD.

Grogan chuckled, “She is a little young, even for your uncle.”

Harvard scowled, “Just find the little bitch, Grogan. She is a witness to whoever is putting the bumper stickers on my car. That means now, detective.”

Grogan sighed and watched the CD. Matt and Brady came back from lunch. Brady walked over. “What? More stuff about Harvard?”

“Naw, he wants me to find the witness who knows who is screwing with his car.” Grogan sighed. The two detectives watched the video over his shoulder.

Matt laughed, “Her? You’re looking for her? We talked to her outside Macy’s this morning. Brady gave her ten bucks.” Brady chuckled. “Print us a picture and we’ll find her for you.”

Matt stared at her picture. “She is wearing some kind of uniform. That should help.” They found her at the ultra-exclusive Einstein Technical School for the Highly Gifted.

Brady chuckled. “That figures.”