The Chrononauts

The captain stuck his head out. “There has just been another bombing.”

Brady stood up. “Is it at the court house?”

“No, it was down by the Vietnam memorial. Congressman Cain was having his picture taken down there.”

Grogan smiled. “It serves him right. He ran off to Canada to avoid the draft in the sixties. Maybe there is a God.”

Bomb Squad Dave was already on the scene of the bombing. He phoned the captain, who put the call on speaker: “They found his false teeth, his toupee, and a red, white, and blue thong. The rest of him would make a meatloaf dinner for four.”

Dave continued, “He had been in town for a ten-thousand-dollar-a-plate lunch for his pal Senator Howard, who was the front runner for the White House, especially since his chief rival Senator Abel was mysteriously blown up last week. Most people figured Howard had a hand in it. They were both crooks but they were also psychopaths and exceptional liars. It created a perfect storm for a presidential election.”

Brady and Grogan were in the “most” camp. The captain’s phone rang. “The trial is delayed two hours tomorrow, so the judge can finish his round of golf with Senator Howard, who was apparently establishing his alibi. Okay, Grogan, Brady: Go check out the bombing. I have to go to a meeting with the mayor.”

The detectives got there quickly since Grogan had four coffees and brought his Mustang, “Jenny”. The officer on the scene waved them over. “You’re in luck. The Channel Four ah... cameraman got the whole thing on film.” He pointed him out to the surprised detectives.

Grogan laughed. “That person is the cameraman?” The officer had pointed at a boy with bright orange hair, a lime-green polka-dot shirt with pink-striped shorts and, of course, the traditional SS boots with no shoelaces.

The on-the-scene babe reporter saw Grogan checking out the cameraman. “I can get his number for you, detective.”

Grogan laughed,, “I hate to disappoint him but I only date my own species. He does know hunting season for aliens starts tomorrow?”

She laughed, “His uncle is chairman of the board.”

Brady asked, “Did anyone see anything not on the film?”

The reporter was definitely checking out Brady. Grogan gave him the old “here we go again” look and smirked. She smiled and played with her hair. “Well, the store owner across the road saw an old guy tying his shoes.”

Grogan laughed. “So what about it? That isn’t unusual, is it?”

She was still looking at Brady and playing with her hair. “Well, it took him ten minutes to tie it... and, of course, we don’t get a lot of vampires out here as a rule.”

Brady tried to be witty. “Well, maybe he was a software engineer.”

She laughed way too hard. “I’ll have to put that in my memoirs.”

Grogan sighed, “I guess that eliminates Walter, since he was in the squad room busting Harvard’s balls.” They got a copy of the store owner’s statement about the event and “B” footage taken before the bombing.

The detectives watched the video on scene. Congressman Cain was getting his picture taken with babies and all the good-looking mothers, and shaking hands with other politicians. The blast occurred at the only time he was standing alone. Dave would do a frame-by-frame analysis, if they knew Dave.

They returned to the squad room and gave the footage to Dave. Two hours later, Dave had the preliminary results. He started his report. “There was one weird thing. There was a large bird in a nearby tree close to the explosion that didn’t fly away when the bomb exploded. Hey, maybe it was a fake bird.”

Brady asked, “What kind of bird was it?”

Dave looked exasperated. “What do I look like, the National Geographic Channel? It was just a big, goofy-looking white bird, maybe an owl or hawk. I will try to identify it for you, Brady. I should have a final report in twenty-four hours.”

Captain Brown came back from his meeting with the mayor. “Okay guys, give me the low-cal version,” he said as he bit into a doughnut.

Grogan looked at his notes. “Same M.O. as Senator Abel’s, except this time we have the whole thing on video.”

The captain almost dropped his doughnut but recovered nicely. “You say, we have it all on video?”

Grogan nodded. “Yes sir. We even have ‘B’ footage of the area taken ten minutes before the event. Dave is analyzing it as we speak. He said twenty-four hours, sooner if he finds some decent coffee. Walter is in the clear, since he was here with Harvard.”

Brady looked around. “Where is Harvard?”

The captain shrugged. “I haven’t seen him since this morning.”

Matt yawned. “He said something about an ear ache.”

The captain laughed. “He probably had to go buy a less than

five thousand dollar jacket for court in case he gets a blood stain.”

The next day, Dave started the meeting. “This murder is similar to Senator Abel’s case. The bomb was black powder that had no signature and was therefore hand-made. It was wrapped in waxed paper. It was set off by a digital timer and no, ladies, it wasn’t set off remotely.”

He droned on, “The sidewalk was made of fifty-year-old cement and the bomb was embedded in it. No pieces had weathering and therefore it was in a single piece of cement.”

Harvard laughed. “Are you an idiot? You’re saying the bomb was planted fifty years ago?”

Matt nodded. “No, that is possible. The real question is how someone knew it was there and how did they know the exact moment to set it off and, of course, that a boy would grow up to be a senator.”

Walter laughed from the doorway with crossed legs. “Yes, that is the million dollar question, Matt.”

The captain chuckled at Walter and turned to Grogan. “What did we get from the film?”

Grogan cleared his throat and plugged in the CD. “We got a great view of the park and the surrounding buildings. Everything and everyone seemed normal: the Vietnam statue, the garden, the trees, and the birds. There are white roses and purple iris in the garden and a blooming cherry tree.”

Brady chuckled, “Thank you, Martha Stewart. Hold it a minute there, Grogs, back up the CD to the tree. There. See the white owl in the tree? It looks the same as the one that followed Walter to the station,” Brady blushed, “and the one that told me where to find Dave the Dork, I’m afraid.” Grogan cackled at him.

The captain laughed. “It’s just a stupid bird in a tree. You’re not going to tell me a bird killed him...are you, detective?”

Matt nodded. “At the murder of Senator Abel, all the witnesses could talk about was the large white owl.”

Brady looked over at Walter. “You have a pet white owl.” Walter chuckled, “Yes, I do. And I also have an alibi, but I can’t speak for Snowflake’s whereabouts.”

The captain was getting frustrated. “This is getting nowhere. I want theories about how it was done by tomorrow. He looked over at Dave and sighed. “Yes Dave, no matter how ridiculous it is.” Dave smiled with excitement.

Harvard butted in. “What about me, Captain? This is all a waste of time, if you ask me.”

The captain laughed. “Fine. Harvard, you check the owl’s alibi.” Everyone but Harvard laughed. He was busy writing in his notebook.

The next day, everyone had their theories. The alien one of Dave’s was thrown out immediately. Dave sat sulking with his head down, kicking a piece of doughnut on the floor. The captain asked, “Are there any more bright ideas?”

Walter bobbed up and down waving his hand.

The captain sighed. “You aren’t even a cop.”

Brady whispered to Matt, “This ought to be interesting.”

The captain relented. “Okay! Okay! Let it not be said that we left a stone unturned.”

Walter cleared his throat. “Well, I am a believer in that Sherlock Holmes saying that if every logical premise is eliminated and the only one left is absurd, then that is your answer. Well, the quote goes something like that. But first, I would like to compliment Harvard on making the front page of the Tribune again.” Walter held up the paper.

Harvard looked at it. He was standing in front of the Pink Asparagus with all their dancers and he was wearing just a pink thong. Harvard sputtered. “Where did you get that? The paper doesn’t come out for two hours.”

The captain laughed. “Okay, ladies, calm down. Walter, let’s hear your theory before Harvard shoots you.”

Walter chuckled. “It is simple. You are dealing with a time traveler.” Dave nodded enthusiastically and Walter chuckled at him. “He goes to the future to see who started World War Three. He finds where the people are that cause it and plants the bombs early enough so that electronics won’t detect them.”

He continued, “He appears in the present because events are less fluid near their actual event time and he can set an accurate time. It seems perfectly logical to me. And if these two politicians were killed for that reason, it is logical to assume that Senator Howard is on his plate...In fact, I can guarantee it.” Walter sipped his Coke.

Matt pointed out, “I notice you said he.”

Walter laughed. “Well, actually it is they.”

Harvard scoffed. “Are you telling us you are a time traveler?” Walter smiled icily at Harvard. “Well, Snowflake and I are, correct.”

Brady asked, “But you have alibis for the murders?”

Walter laughed. “You idiots can’t make up rules for the universe and set them in stone. Take time, for instance. It doesn’t exist here. The one you created for yourselves, you don’t even understand. It is actually nonlinear and you don’t even know it.”

Matt chuckled. “Okay, if that is true, then theoretically why would you tell us?”

Walter nodded. “Good question. First, there is nothing you can do about it. Second, Snowflake and I want to amuse ourselves by seeing what you think you can do. There is a third reason. We like you. We want you to survive so we can visit your dimension and create more zany entertaining events for us to enjoy. That is our fee for saving your world.”

Flustered, Harvard spoke up. “I think you are out of your mind and they will throw your testimony out of court.”

Walter looked at the captain and chuckled. “If you’re going to give me a sanity hearing, do it quickly. Snowflake says Senator Howard has three days to live. And if I were you, Harvard, I would keep my distance from him.”

He smiled. “Schedule it for tomorrow if you wish. I have a date with the Bradys at the Red Lobster tonight. I will be back at eight a.m. for the free doughnuts. I figure locking up your star witness wouldn’t sit well with the mayor.” Brady gave him a subtle thumb up. Walter chuckled.

The FBI’s shrink sat in the captain’s office the next morning. He found the color annoying and flickering light was intolerable. There was a large walnut desk with pictures of the captain’s family and of his football days at West Point. He figured the captain would make a very effective serial killer.

The shrink looked like a flower child from the sixties. He could have been Bomb Squad Dave’s father. He gave the captain his evaluation. “The subject has a six-nine IQ.” The captain just stared at him. The doctor laughed. “Sorry. That means he is in the ninety-ninth percentile followed by point 999999. Or, in simplistic terms, he has a 180-plus IQ.”

He chuckled. “He toyed with me like a boy would poke a beetle with a twig. He wanted me to think he is a lunatic. He got his wish. I think he is a lunatic. To prove he is a time traveler, he picked all ten races at the track for this afternoon including the trifecta.”

The captain laughed, but made a copy of the picks. The shrink left and whistled as he walked toward the bus stand. He chuckled, sighed and then made a call on the way. “Hello Bennie, I want to bet a hundred on every race at the track for this afternoon including the triple. Yes, I am sober.” He decided he would have a chocolate milkshake and sit in the park and watch for Martians.

The captain stared at the wall for ten minutes after the shrink left. “Grogan, get Sergeant Smith for me.” He put his feet up on his desk and his hands behind his head.

He heard Smithy, “It was Dave’s idea.”

The captain laughed. “Whatever it is I don’t know about it yet. You go to the races occasionally, Smithy?” He tossed the paper to him. “What do you think of these picks?”

Smithy looked at them. “Well, a couple of them are chalks or what you would call the favorites. The other eight are long shots. You would be lucky to hit one of them, sir.”

The captain smiled. “Smithy, how would you like to go to the track this afternoon?” Smithy grinned.

The captain spent the afternoon in several meetings. He told the mayor that Senator Howard might be next. The mayor tried not to smile but it made his day.

The captain got back to his locked office at seven. He unlocked it and found a paper bag on his desk. It contained fifteen thousand dollars. There was a note: “We won every race and the trifecta with single bets. It was the first time in the history of horse racing. Some other asshole won them all too. There will be an investigation but they let me go because I’m a cop.”

The captain chuckled. “Yeah sure, you didn’t believe him, Doc.”

Brady had explained to his wife about Walter. She listened to him with her legs crossed in a tight blue dress. She told him that she believed Walter. Brady would need more convincing. That fact didn’t stop him from asking Walter a lot of history questions.

They had been at the Red Lobster for an hour when Walter looked out the window. “Ah...I am afraid that tonight I am going to have to prove to you that I am indeed a time traveler. See that big tree outside the window?”

Mrs. B. pointed her finger out the window. “That tree with the beautiful white owl in it?”

Walter chuckled. “Yes Mrs. B. that one. The owl is warning me that we have company. People are going to come through that door and kill us all. Don’t worry about it, but try to look scared.”

The door burst open. Brady squeaked, “Try to look scared?”

Four men with automatic weapons ran through the door.

The leader smiled. “Papa Doc says bye!” Everyone was killed in ten seconds. The killers took a picture and jumped in their Beemer and slowly left the parking lot.

Walter sat leisurely pouring an expensive wine for the Bradys and commenting absently that ’64 was a good year. Brady murmured, “It ought to be good; it’s fifty years old.”

Walter laughed. “No dear boy, the date is 1864.” They sipped their wine very slowly.

Mrs. B. looked at her dress in her mirror. “I had the weirdest dream that I got shot.”

Brady looked surprised. “I did, too.”

They both looked over at a guilty-looking Walter. “Okay. Okay. Maybe we were all shot, but Snowflake fixed everyone.” Walter lifted his glass to Snowflake, who was still outside in the tree. Walter then looked at the Bradys with lifted eye brows. They quickly lifted their glasses to Snowflake, who flew off. Brady could swear the bird nodded to him.

Walter looked out the window at the sky. “Let’s go outside and see what Snowflake has in store for our little friends.” The cool night air slapped their faces. The last crimson rays of the setting sun dribbled into the horizon. A faint blue light in the western sky got brighter and they realized it was an approaching meteor. It went right over their heads hissing loudly and ozone filled the air. It exploded a few miles away.

Walter sighed. “Too bad they were riding in a Beemer. I like Beemers.”

The next morning Smithy went in and saw the captain. He gushed, “I couldn’t believe it! I won every bet!” He scurried to leave.

The captain asked, “So, how much did you win, Smithy?” He looked guilty. The captain chuckled. “I’m just kidding.”

Relieved, Smithy changed the subject. “By the way, did you hear about that car hit by a meteor, Captain? They found multiple recently-used automatic weapons and four bodies in the car of known hit men that worked for Papa Doc. Hey, maybe there is a God.”

Grogan sat at his desk, watching Brady. “You are awfully quiet today, Tommy.”

Brady was in deep thought. “What do you think of Walter?”

Grogan shrugged. “He’s a little strange, but I like him. Why?”

Brady sighed. “I was just wondering.”

The captain called a jittery Brady in. “So, how was the lobster last night?”

Brady sighed, “It was a little too exciting for my taste. Captain, he is the real deal.”

The captain looked guilty. “Yes, I know. He picked all ten races at the racetrack yesterday.”

Brady looked the captain in the eye. “What are we going to do, sir?”

The captain stared out the window. “We are going to trust him. What else can we do? Who would believe us besides Dave? Maybe Matt would believe it after a couple of beers.”

Brady told Matt and Grogan but no one else. Curious, Matt asked Walter if he could go to the Red Lobster with the Bradys. Walter laughed, “Sure. I’m curious what kind of questions you’re going to ask.”

Court was going to start soon. The captain took two aspirins and prepared for a nap. He figured he was going to need it. The D.A. came in. He stared at Brady. “I don’t want a damn circus in there again. The judge reamed me out.” Walter was suspiciously quiet. The D.A. kept looking at him, but Walter looked totally innocent. That scared the D.A. He got a phone call and left.

Walter smiled. “Okay guys, Snowflake is going to screw with the bad guys a little. Don’t interfere; even if you think someone will be shot. Sit back and enjoy the show. I’m afraid Snowflake is somewhat zany at times.” Walter looked sincere, but Brady had his doubts.

The court was crowded with people that expected bloodshed at the very least and on the top side maybe a murder or two. They figured Walter would be intimidated and have a memory lapse.

Papa Doc looked scary in a white linen power suit with a black shirt and white tie. Sammy the Snake was his usual dapper self. There were many of Papa Doc’s acquaintances to intimidate Walter. Walter was out in the hall. “Who is checking weapons?” Brady laughed. “Harvard, as you requested.”

Walter nodded. “Snowflake will be pleased with your selection. Well, ladies, it’s show time.” Walter walked into court and squeezed himself between two of Papa Doc’s known hit men. They both looked at him with shocked expressions.

The D.A. almost fainted when he saw where Walter was sitting. Walter wore a dark blue Armani suit with a Harvard crimson tie, apparently just to piss off Harvard. Brady and Matt tried not to laugh when they saw how angry Harvard looked with his arms folded across his chest.

Walter put his arms around the two known hit men and let out a loud wet fart. The two men looked disgusted. One leaned in and whispered, “Enjoy yourself, asshole; you are a dead man. God, that is awful.”

Walter giggled at him. “Sorry about that—pepperoni pizza. You gay guys have really sensitive noses.”

The other hit man said, “We are not gay, dick weed.”

Walter looked surprised. “Well Papa is gay. Why would he hire straight guys? Well, you know what they say: any port in a storm.” The second guy got pissed and reached for his gun.

Walter laughed as the man squirmed to get his weapon out. “Oh, you got a thong rash.”

The first man shook his head at his friend. He turned to Walter. “I’m telling you for the last time, Papa Doc is not gay nor are we, ass wipe.”

The D.A. saw the commotion. He gave Brady a “help” look and pointed with his jaw at Walter. Brady just gave him a nod and held a thumb up. The D.A. looked back at Walter, who was squeezing the two men’s butt cheeks. He almost fainted on the spot.

The three detectives tried gallantly not to laugh. Sammy stood up and started his opening remarks, but was startled by a loud wet fart that came from where Papa Doc was sitting. Doc turned around and saw everyone chuckling at him. He scowled and turned back to the front. There was a visible pink mist drifting in the air with an odor was unbearable.

Sammy got out two more sentences when it happened again. Papa Doc leaped up and yelled. “It ain’t me, suckers!”

The judge started to bang his gavel but stopped in midair and stared at the defendant, who was standing in pink silk panties with his pants down by his knees. The two men on either side of Walter looked at each other.

Walter stood up. “I knew it. You’re all gay.” Sammy was staring at Papa’s pink panties. The court erupted in laughter. Sammy finally mouthed a request for a thirty-minute recess.

Thirty minutes later, court resumed. Walter soon stood up to go use the bathroom. The two men stood up with him and Walter stopped. “Look, I don’t need help in the men’s room, ladies.”

The leader poked Walter in the chest. “We told you we’re not gay. Walter looked down. They were both standing in panties. The two red-faced men ran out of court.

Two other huge men got up and followed Walter into the bathroom. Harvard smiled at Sammy. The D.A. looked alarmed. Matt started to get up. Brady put his arm on Matt’s shoulder and smiled. Matt sat back and relaxed. The two huge men came back alone and sat down smiling at Sammy.

Harvard edged to the entrance to be ready when someone found Walter’s mangled body. The D.A. looked back at the door with relief on his face. Walter walked back in and sat with the two now-terrified men. A shocked Harvard saw Walter, who smiled at him with an icy stare.

The clerk stood. “The court calls Walter Wonderful to the stand.” There was muted laughter. Walter casually walked down and sat in the witness chair. Sammy stood to start the interrogation. Walter raised his hand meekly to say something.

The judge looked at him curiously. “Um…Your Honor, could you please tell the defendant to take his hand out of his lawyer’s pants? I know he has to pay his lawyer’s fee, but it is very distracting.” Sammy looked down and was shocked to see Papa’s hand in his pants.

The whole court erupted in loud laughter with whistles with multiple camera flashes. Mrs. B. was in tears. The judge kept banging his gavel and finally got order. He was angry. “We will break for lunch. I expect your client to control his urges when we get back at two o’clock, counselor.”

Papa whispered to Sammy on the way out to stay away from Walter. Brady came out first and saw a metallic flash from the roof of the building across the road. Before he could speak, Walter stepped in front of a surprised Papa Doc. Walter clumsily dropped his pen and quickly bent to pick it up. A shot rang out and Papa hit the ground, writhing in pain.

Walter started yelling, “Someone shot the defendant!” He pointed to the roof. “Up there!” He pointed to the tenth-story roof. Cameras flashed as Walter applied pressure to the bleeding wound.

Mrs. B. laughed. “Now that is something you don’t see every day.”

Walter yelled again, “I think he stopped breathing. Does anyone know CPR? A huge, butt-ugly woman in a miniskirt waddled forward. She clamped her mouth on Papa, whose eyes were popping out of his head.

Matt was laughing hard. “That is the ugliest woman I have ever seen.”

Mrs. B. waved them over. “Oh boys, come over here.” They walked back and saw the dress pulled up, exposing the guy who was giving the mouth-to-mouth. Brady instinctively fired a couple shots at the figure on the roof and the shooting instantly stopped.

A couple minutes later, an officer yelled down from the roof, “Brady got him right between the eyes.” Brady glanced at Walter, who chuckled and shrugged.

Mrs. B. laughed. “Red Lobster, guys, and Brady is buying.” The other detectives were like hungry piranha with blood in the water. The mob covered the block and a half to the Red Lobster in record time. The brisk fall breeze helped.

They squeezed inside and were shocked to see Walter already there with a lobster bib on. A surprised Mrs. B. walked right over and sat next to him. She laughed. “How did you beat everyone here?”

He chuckled. “I’m a time traveler, remember? When I heard Brady was buying, I wanted a good seat near the window. But when I got here, the owner said he won big at the track and our meal was free.” He chuckled again. “Sorry, Brady.”

Brady’s face brightened immediately. “Well, I can pay the tip.”

Matt grinned. “Do you need change for a dollar?” Brady blushed and everyone laughed.

Grogan’s phone vibrated and he listened to a recorded message. “No afternoon court. We resume tomorrow at ten. Oh no. The paper is doing an article on Brady’s miracle shot.”

Brady looked at Walter again. He smiled. “Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut.”

Brady glanced at his wife. “He means it was a lucky shot, dear.” Everyone laughed as Brady turned beet-red.

Matt kept bombarding Walter with science questions. “Is there life in the universe?”

Walter laughed. “Of course there is. You expect life to be like you. Trust me, nature learns from her mistakes. And by the way, life is measured by awareness, not moving or breathing. The Earth is alive: rocks, wind and volcanoes are all alive...Hell, Earth itself is alive. It cracks me up when scientists say Earth was perfect for life. If it was 200 degrees with 100 percent xenon gas, life would still exist, just not for you turkeys.”

Finally everyone left except for the Bradys, Grogan, and Matt, who was still peppering Walter with questions. “Well then, what about dinosaurs? Were they killed by a meteor strike?”

Walter spoke, without looking up, but with a sinister smile. “Yes, they did. Would you like to see it for yourselves?”

Brady turned white and squeaked, “Um...You can do that?”

Walter chuckled. “Well, actually it is Snowflake’s idea. She thinks it could be fun. You should be flattered; she has never done this for anyone before.”

Brady laughed. “Yes, but fun for whom?”

Walter laughed loudly. “That was the first decent question today.”

Mrs. B. nodded. “I’m in.” Brady looked at her like she was crazy. She laughed. “How many times do you get a chance like this?” Brady nodded reluctantly. Everybody was soon in.

Matt laughed. “Too bad Dave isn’t here. It is right up his alley. He would want to be in.”

Walter laughed. “Oh he is in. In fact he is the pre-event entertainment.” He saw their concerned faces. “Don’t worry, he won’t be injured. We will meet back here in two hours on the sidewalk. I suggest you bring bug spray, cameras, a gun, and a baseball bat.”

Brady squeaked, “Ah, what do we need a baseball bat for? Are they to ah, kill the dinosaurs?”

Walter laughed. “No. The bats are to kill the mosquitoes.”

Two hours later, they stood in front of the Red Lobster. Walter looked at his pocket watch. “We will be gone an hour... unless something unexpected occurs.” Walter paused and smiled at Brady who felt his neck hair stand up.

Walter continued. “Okay, a few rules: 1. Talk quietly. 2. Don’t stare at meat-eating dinosaurs, especially T-Rex. 3. No flash cameras at carnivores in general. 4. Put on lots of bug spray. 5. Lastly, no stragglers. T-Rexes love stragglers. Okay, people, cover your eyes; there will be blowing sand.”

They all held hands tightly.

There was a gust of extremely humid air and a blast of hot sand. It was night but the sky was considerably bright. Walter looked around. He looked on the moist ground and chuckled. “Ah, we should probably move away from the dead dinosaur.”

Brady whispered, “Couldn’t we have come in the daytime?”

Walter laughed and shook his head. “Well, yes, Brady, but then your chances of being eaten alive would triple.”

Brady stared at him for a second and shuddered. “Good call, Walter.” He laughed loudly.

Mrs. B. looked up at the sky. “The moon seems larger. And there aren’t as many craters on it.”

Walter nodded. “It is a lot closer to Earth at this time period. There used to be two moons, well, briefly in geologic time. The culprit for the end of the dinosaurs is that. He pointed to a bright blue light in the sky.

Walter saw Snowflake land in a tree and smiled. “Let’s get behind those large rocks. Snowflake says the evening’s early entertainment is arriving.” There was a blue flash and Dave appeared, asleep on a flat rock. Mrs. B. started her movie camera. Grogan giggled but Brady elbowed him.

Dave felt something and yawned. “Man, who turned off the freaking A/C?” He tried to scratch his belly, but felt something. He looked down and saw a one-foot tall mosquito on it. “Holy shit! Get off me!” He brushed it away and it flew off, making a low humming sound.

He stepped off the rock and looked around. “Where the hell am I?” He took a step and slipped in mud. He fell into a slow-moving stream. He crawled out quickly and stood up, “Boy, they were right about the drug flashbacks.”

He stood up and got hit in the chest by a young pterodactyl. It squawked loudly and they both of them fell back into the brackish water. The bird panicked and thrashed around. It was immediately pulled under the water by something below.

Dave scrambled out of the water and started waving his arms and swearing. Walter shook his head. “Be quiet, Dave...oops, too late.” The ground noises all stopped immediately. Dave noticed and stopped swearing. He slowly looked around. He saw a huge T-Rex staring at him from a hundred yards away. Snowflake hooted once softly.

Walter chuckled. “Don’t worry. If Dave doesn’t move, she will lose interest.”

Brady looked at Walter. “This is Dave we’re talking about.” The T-Rex took one step forward. That was enough for Dave. He started screaming and ran towards a distant large tree.

Walter shook his head. “Bad idea, Dave. T-Rex can run thirty-five miles an hour.” The T-Rex caught up quickly and grabbed him by his pant leg, swinging him upside-down in the air. Mrs. B. gasped loudly.

Dave unbuckled his pants and fell to the ground, wearing a powder blue thong. The T-Rex just stared at him with his pants dangling out her open mouth as he ran to the safety of a huge ginkgo tree. He scrambled up thirty feet.

He was attacked there by another even larger mosquito. He broke off a branch and swatted at it. “Get away from me, asshole.” Matt and Mrs. B. got some great pictures.

The T-Rex spotted a young pterodactyl with a broken wing beside the tree Dave was in. It was terrified and tried to fly away. Brady shot it to spare it the horror of being eaten alive. Walter nodded. “Good for you Brady. Okay, the ELE is coming in two minutes. You might want to take some pictures.”

It got large and loud quickly and the searing heat made them all scream. They opened their eyes and they were back on the sidewalk covered in sand and silvery dust. A large group of people started clapping. Walter raised his hands. “Thank you. Okay, first hundred customers eat free today at the Red Lobster.” The screaming mob headed in. Walter whispered, “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

They headed to the police station. A Hazmat alarm in the parking garage entrance went off. A technician arrived and put them in a quarantined room. “Huh. First Dave and then you all waltz in, covered with iridium dust.”

Matt adlibbed, “Well, ah, we saw a meteor go over.”

“Yeah, that’s what Dave said too...a lot of that going around today. Okay guys, you’re cleared to leave.” He trudged back to the lab.

Dave came down the hall. “Hey, your faces are red too.”

Grogan said, “We were on a stakeout facing the sun. What happened to you?”

A jittery Dave said, “I fell asleep at the tanning spa.”

Mrs. B. asked him. “How come you are all wet, Dave?”

He lied. “I got caught in a downpour earlier.” She nodded and let him wiggle off the hook.

Mrs. B. put her videos on YouTube from the squad room using Brady’s laptop. Meanwhile, Matt broke Harvard’s lame ‘Crimson1’ password and mailed Dave a picture of himself in the blue thong from Harvard’s computer IP address. He photoshopped in a gay bar scene behind the picture. Walter watched from behind him and chuckled. “Good one, Matt.”

Matt sent a picture of the sky with the moon and meteor to his astrophysicist pal Triggva at MIT. He added, “Tell me the year, usual bet. Matt99.” He chuckled as he hit ‘send’.

Triggva checked his e-mails and saw the one titled, “Usual bet” from his fellow Beaver, Matt. He laughed and opened the pictures. The moon was large and there was a glowing object in the sky.

There were panorama shots of the rest of the horizon. “Huh.” Triggva laughed to himself. There was a message at the bottom.

Matt had typed, “I think I will stump you with this one. The usual case of beer and not that light beer crap. Matt99.” Matt went home to get a good night’s sleep for the trial the next day. He laughed as he thought of Triggva pulling his hair out.

The next morning, Grogan turned on his computer and was pleasantly surprised to see a movie of Harvard having sex with a blow-up doll that looked suspiciously like a female Bigfoot. The video lasted thirty seconds and was posted to Facebook.

A few minutes later, a dapper Harvard arrived, all ready for court and he logged onto his account to check e-mails. He screamed, “What the hell is this and which one of you assholes made it? I’ll find out and you’ll be sorry.”

Matt laughed. “You mean you will find someone to find out for you. Look Harvard, you lasted thirty whole seconds. All your old girlfriends will know the video is a fake.”

Harvard sarcastically replied, “That is very funny, Matt.”

Grogan had to put in his two cents. “Yeah, everybody knows a Bigfoot has too much class to have sex with a Harvard graduate.”

Walter came in and spotted Harvard. “I saw your video on Facebook; it is going viral.”

Harvard screamed, “It’s on Facebook?”

Matt felt sorry for him. “Look Harvard, I’ll take it down for a hundred dollars.”

A suspicious Harvard asked, “Why so cheap?”

Matt chuckled. “I figure you’re a little short of cash after that chess debacle.”

The captain soon had Dave in his office. “Take it down, Dave. Harvard can hardly send an e-mail.”

Dave came out of the captain’s office. “You all look guilty.” Brady walked in the door. “You look guilty too, Brady.” He stomped back to his lab.

The D.A. walked in the door and wondered why everyone looked so innocent. “I don’t know what was going on in court yesterday, but you all had a hand in it.”

He stared at Brady, as he strummed his fingers on Grogan’s desk. “In case you didn’t notice, this is a murder trial in which, through no fault of yours, the witness is still alive. And, while we’re at it, why did you let Walter walk out with those two killers, Brady?”

Brady stammered, “Well, I didn’t think Walter would kill them, sir.” The other detectives tried not to laugh.

The D.A.’s face turned red. “That is the dumbest statement I have ever heard in twenty years of being the D.A.”

Brady gulped. “That’s gratifying, sir.”

The D.A. chuckled and looked at an innocent-looking Walter. “I am beginning to think you are the sanest person in this room.”

Walter looked over at Brady with disgust. “I know what you mean, sir.” Brady tried not to smirk. He looked up at the ceiling and shook his head. The D.A. got a phone call. He turned and waved his hand over his shoulder on his the way out. The captain had been standing in the doorway, eating a doughnut. He just chuckled and went back in his office.

Court resumed at ten in the morning. Papa Doc had his arm in a sling. He wore a turtleneck to hide the three hickeys he received from his nasty CPR event.

There were a lot more reporters crowding in with the expectations of naughty things to come. The judge entered and sternly stared out at the court. “Try to remember this is court of law, counselors.” But it was an election year, so he hoped his statement fell on deaf ears.

Sammy stood and apologized to the court. “The stress of the trial apparently has overwhelmed my poor humble client.” That got a lot of laughter from the courtroom. Papa turned around and glared at the court. The noise stopped immediately.

Brady chuckled loudly and got a nasty glare from the judge. The clerk stood. “Mr. Wonderful will return to the stand.” The D.A. and Walter continued their testimony. “Yes sir. I saw Mr. Sensitive there...”

Sammy jumped up. “Your Honor, Mr. Wonderful is ridiculing the defendant.”

Walter shook his head. “On the contrary Your Honor, it is obvious the defendant is extremely sensitive...look at the body count.” The court exploded in laughter. The judge banged his gavel. Walter blushed. “Sorry, Your Honor. Well, the defendant pulled out a pepper-pot pistol and shot Big Red right between the eyes. An impressive shot, Your Honor.”

Sammy was up and admonished, “Your Honor...”

The judge chirped, “The witness will refrain from expressing unsubstantiated opinions.”

Walter pulled a gun out of his blue suit’s jacket pocket. “Here, judge, see how awkwardly it fits in your hand.”

The bailiff screamed, “He has a gun!” Three guards grabbed Walter, who looked surprised.

Walter laughed. “It is just a damn lighter, Your Honor.” The judge took it and pulled the trigger. A little flame came out. The whole court laughed heartily.

The judge rapped his gavel several times. The angry judge chastised Walter. “Mr. Wonderful, it is poor judgment on your part to bring a fake gun into my court.”

Walter laughed, “Well, Your Honor, it seems like a trivial complaint, considering how many real guns are in this court.”

The irate judge said, “Sir, there are exactly two guns in my court.”

Walter laughed, “Are you kidding me, Your Honor? Those four men directly behind the defendant all have guns and the men in the row behind them have five guns, let’s see and oh yeah...”

The judge fumed. “Hold it! What do you think we are, a bunch of idiots in here?”

Walter blushed. “Well, not everybody. But with all due respect, you are if you think there are only two guns in here, Your Honor.”

The red-faced judge looked down at Walter. “I hope you brought your checkbook, Mr. Wonderful. Bailiff, you and the two guards check the gentlemen mentioned and then come back. After his apology to the court, lock up Mr. Wonderful for a month for contempt.”

The bailiff was shocked to find weapons on all the men. They were all escorted out and arrested. The judge asked, “Why didn’t you say anything before court?”

Brady chuckled. “This ought to be good.”

Walter played the stupid card. “Well, I watched Detective Harvard find all the guns, but he let the men keep them. I naturally thought they were undercover policemen. By the way, Your Honor, there is one more gun taped under the defendant’s table.”

Papa jumped up with the gun. Brady, Grogan, and Matt immediately reacted; each fired one shot and Papa Doc fell down dead. The judge glared at them and they sheepishly put their guns away.

The judge banged his gavel and the court got quiet. “The witness may leave the stand.”

Walter stood up to leave, “There is one more thing, Your Honor. His lawyer, Sammy, grabbed Big Red so the defendant could shoot him.”

Sammy ran up the aisle, but Mrs. B. tripped him with her beautifully curved leg. The papers got the idea that the D.A. had set up the whole thing. The D.A. was not an idiot and gave the old “aw, shucks it was nothing” speech.

He went to the Red Lobster with the detectives and Mrs. B. After several glasses of wine, the D.A. looked at Walter. “Okay, tell me: who are you, really?”

Walter laughed. “I am just a visitor who saw a crime being committed.”

“Sure you are. By the way, Senator Howard’s office called and they want us all down by the Vietnam statue for a photo-op.” He smiled. The table got quiet.

The D.A. laughed. “Okay, I hate the S.O.B. also. If he got struck by lightning tomorrow, it wouldn’t break my heart.”

Walter chuckled. “Be careful what you wish for, sir. Personally, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” The others muttered they would be there.

Grogan perked up. “I heard it might rain.”

Walter shook his head. “Nah, the storm is going south of us.”

The D.A. laughed. “Well, you can be sure Harvard will be there. He wouldn’t miss getting his picture in the paper.”

Walter chuckled. “Hey, it’s his funeral. Mrs. B., could you hand me a crab leg, please?” His icy blue eyes answered her question and she shuddered.

The next morning was bright and sunny. Mrs. B. wore a light green sun dress. The captain smiled at her. “You look almost as pretty as your husband.”

She laughed and replied, “I might surpass him if I could get him away from the bathroom mirror.” Brady blushed slightly and everyone laughed.

The D.A. said, “I am afraid you will find the event kind of boring.”

She laughed. “I don’t know, sir, trouble seems to follow Walter around like a shadow.” Walter gave her a guilty chuckle. He looked at his gold pocket watch.

He scanned the cloudless sky and casually walked past Mrs. B. He spoke in a whisper,, “I am afraid Snowflake will have a Plan B and she usually is dramatic. Keep on your toes.”

The senator arrived with Harvard. Walter tried to get Harvard away from his uncle but got shoved out of the way.

He snarled, “Get out of my way. I don’t have to put up with you anymore.”

Walter said softly, “I’m afraid you are going to be right about that.” Snowflake appeared in the tree. She hooted at Brady. He pointed the owl out to Matt. Matt saw a bright light in the sky.

Matt yelled, “My God, it’s a fireball!” Mrs. B. felt someone tug her back a few steps.

The senator started his speech; it was an “if I am a crook, may God strike me down” kind of speech. He got his wish.

Matt got to his feet and saw the telltale cloud trail in the sky and the smell of ozone. “We just had a meteor strike.” He helped Mrs. B. to her feet. She looked suspiciously at Walter, who shrugged and shook his head “no.”

She chuckled, “Well, thanks for pulling me back.”

“I didn’t. Thank Snowflake.” Mrs. B. saw her in the tree. She whispered, “Thank you, Snowflake.”

Snowflake hooted once.

Walter laughed, “She says you’re welcome and she likes your shoes.”

They all went quietly to the Red Lobster. Walter smiled, “I’m buying.” The D.A. took long looks at Walter through lunch.

Mrs. B. spoke first. “I saw you try to save Harvard. What would have happened if his uncle had survived?”

Walter chuckled, “He would have been elected president and started World War Three.”

The D.A. scoffed, “How would he know? He is just a murder witness.”

Matt laughed, “Walter is a lot more than that, sir.”

Walter smiled sheepishly. “You’re making me blush, Matt.” Mrs. B. smiled at him. “Actually, sir, he is a time traveler.” The D.A. laughed. “Are you all crazy?” They all just stared at the D.A. “You all believe this gibberish?” They all nodded.

Walter sighed, “Okay, okay. I’ll prove it to you, sir. Check your jacket pocket for me, the top one.”

He laughed. “Okay, I’ll play along. It is empty.”

Walter spoke without looking up. “Now think of something you have always wanted.”

The D.A. smiled. “Okay, I always...”

Walter raised his hand. “No, don’t tell me, sir.”

The D.A. laughed, “Now what do I do? Close my eyes or something?”

Walter smiled, “No. I was going to say check your pocket again.” The D.A. felt in his pocket and pulled out a picture. It was an autographed picture of the Red Baron with a younger Walter at his side.

He looked at the picture with shock and mumbled, “I always wanted this.”

Walter smiled, “Ta Da!” Everyone clapped loudly. Walter put up his hands. “I am tired. I am going to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be my last day here. I have a chess tournament to attend. Red Lobster, seven o’clock?” They nodded. He walked out with his cane over his shoulder. The owl in the tree swooped down and followed him down the road.

Matt arrived to work early the next morning. He poured a coffee and sifted through his mail. He chuckled when he saw one from Triggva. The e-mail read:

“Holy shit, Batman! Where were these pictures taken? Please tell me Mexico! They can’t be real. How did you make them?”

Matt chuckled and mailed the picture of Mrs. B. and him with the giant T-Rex in the background. Ten seconds later, he got an answer:

“Holy shit again, Batman; do they taste like chicken? We noticed the moon was a lot closer with fewer impacts. We calculate roughly seventy million years ago. The star grid calculates to sixty-seven million years. That means that bright light could be the ELE that killed the dinosaurs. Tell me you invented a time machine, dude. Trig.”

Matt laughed as he wrote an e-mail back:

“I have a movie of the ELE event if you would like a copy. Matt99.”

That evening, the group showed up at the Red Lobster. The D.A. started the conversation. “So let me get this straight, you and your hit owl killed all these people to prevent World War Three?”

Walter looked at him curiously. “Yes, sir. That is correct.” The D.A. continued, “And we only have your word for it, correct?”

Walter chuckled, “Yes.” He stopped, his fork in the air, “Are you trying to tell me you want everything back the way it was?”

The D.A. was surprised. “You can do that?”

Walter shrugged, “I can. Do the rest of you feel that way?”

Brady shook his head. “No. We all trust you.”

Walter sighed, “Unfortunately, it only takes one idiot to put everything back to the way it was. It is the rule of the universe. Theoretically, we could try to fix everything again, but it would be up to Snowflake and she never has tried a second time, so you are likely doomed. When you wake up tomorrow, all will be back the way it was.”

He got up to leave, shook hands, kissed Mrs. B. on the cheek, and walked out into the night.

Matt was upset. “You have made a grave mistake, sir.”

The D.A. laughed. “You people don’t really believe any of this garbage?” Nobody talked to him. They all just walked out.