The Chrononauts

The red-faced guidance counselor saw them coming up the red brick walk. “Okay, what has she done now and to whom?”

Matt smiled at Brady. “She is a witness to vandalism, madam.”

The woman looked relieved. “Boy, that’s a first.”

Brady asked, “Can you tell us a little about her?”

The woman chuckled and shook her head. “Where should I start? Her grandfather is her guardian. Her parents jumped or fell into a volcano on Hawaii. She is the most gifted child in the school and has one of the highest IQs in the country. She tends to get bored easily and is ah... a little ah... eccentric. She has a standing full boat to MIT; her grandfather went there.”

“She is a real handful, Detectives. She can come and go as she pleases. She is not exactly a shrinking violet. Her name is Victoria Snowflake. She also has a pet owl that comes and goes. We pulled her out of her advanced physics class to talk to you; she could probably teach it.”

Victoria was leaning in the doorway with crossed legs. “Well, well. My two favorite detectives came for a visit?”

Matt gave her a Star Trek “live long and prosper” sign. “Our lieutenant seems to think you’re a witness to a vandalism case.” Brady laughed. “We would like to bring you down to the station for an interview, if you don’t mind.”

She chuckled to Matt. “Nice ‘Spock’ reference. My dance card’s free, gentlemen, but I want to be taken out in handcuffs.” Brady sighed and put cuffs on her. She walked out in front of her friends, proudly displaying the restraints.

She told her friends she was a heroin drug mule. She was wearing her school uniform. She had brushed her hair in her face to look “roughed up” by the police. A girl took her smiling picture in cuffs for the school yearbook.

Brady tried not to laugh. “Ah, that is quite the imagination you have there.”

She looked surprised. “Oh? This arrest is for something else? Oh. Can I see your badges, please?” She looked at them, carefully rubbed the material, and was apparently satisfied they were genuine. She laughed and shook her head. “Who took the pictures, the Registry of Motor Vehicles?”

Matt glanced down and saw her hands were free. “Hey, where are your handcuffs?”

She tossed them to him. “You know this is the twenty-first century, right? I suppose shotgun is out of the question?” Brady gave her the look.

She laughed. “Fine, I’ll settle for the siren then.” Matt chuckled and turned it on. The fifteen-minute ride took ten minutes. “Nice driving, Brady. You two guys can call me Victoria. So, who am I going to talk to?” Brady and Matt looked at each other.

She laughed. “Oh, really? I hope you don’t mind bloodshed...” They looked at each other again. She laughed again. “Cool.” They walked up the stairs to the squad room. Harvard was looking out the window. Brady coughed and raised his eyebrows to her.

Matt tried not to smile when Harvard met them at the doorway. She dropped a quarter in Harvard’s hand and strode in. “I didn’t know police had doormen. Cool.”

The captain chuckled from the doorway. Harvard looked suspiciously at Brady and Matt. “Sorry, miss, I am not the doorman. I am Lieutenant Harvard.”

She grabbed her quarter back and laughed. “You’re a lieutenant? What do you people do, draw straws for promotions?”

She didn’t let up. “What kind of idiot police force are you? One of your men gets killed and you’re investigating a vandalism case? Who is the moron who decided that?”

She noticed everyone was smiling at Harvard. She nodded. “Of course...it’s always the short guy. I bet you own a crappy red sports car.”

Harvard was getting mad. “Look Victoria...”

She spoke as she looked around. “You call me Miss Snowflake, Corporal.”

Harvard cringed. “I told you, I am a lieutenant!” She looked surprised and impressed. Harvard smiled with pride.

She shook her head. “Boy, you must have a very powerful relative to make someone promote you to a lieutenant.”

He walked her to the interview room. “Let’s get the interview over with, Miss Snowflake.” Brady brought everyone Cokes. Matt set up chairs on the other side of the one-way mirror.

Grogan chuckled. “I hope he is wearing a cup.”

The captain shook his head. “We better tape this for the Christmas party.” The detectives looked at him curiously. He laughed. “Okay, okay, for YouTube.”

Harvard started, sarcastically saying, “Have a seat, Miss Snowflake...if that is your real name.”

Brady saw her expression. “Captain, I think I want to adopt her.”

Matt smiled broadly. “I think this could get really gory in a hurry.”

Harvard was still clueless. “Do you really expect me to believe that your name is Victoria Snowflake?”

Brady laughed. “Boy, Harvard is really asking for it.”

Victoria looked at the mirror. “You guys are recording this, right? I want to put this interview on YouTube.”

She got three taps on the window. She fumbled through her backpack. “I think I have identification in here. Yes, here it is.”

She handed it to Harvard. He opened the flap and smirked. “It looks genuine to me.”

She gushed, “I can drive trucks and I am an organ donor.” He chuckled, “You don’t really expect me to believe this?”

She yawned. “Hey, it gets me into clubs. Why don’t you go find someone to show you how to check it out? I am going to get a Coke.” Harvard came back in ten minutes later.

She stared at him. “Well it took ten minutes instead of thirty seconds so I take it you checked it yourself. Good for you. I told you it was real.”

She sighed. “Here is my passport; maybe you think that’s fake, too.” Harvard looked at the frayed passport.

Harvard laughed. “You really expect me to believe you went to sixteen countries in three years?”

She chuckled. “Actually, from your track record, no I do not. It would be out of character for you to think. After all, it’s only a legal document admitted in any court in America.”

She sighed. “Look you moron, I have a calculus test to take tomorrow. Can you ask me about your stupid car and the bumper sticker already?”

Harvard was getting frustrated. “How do you know what I want to ask you about?”

She laughed hard. “Please. I can read you like a book. If this interview was about a murder, someone competent would be talking to me.”

Harvard lost it. “Oh really, Miss Know-it-all? How do you know about the murders, you little smart ass?”

She stared at him. “I could read since I was two, in six languages, actually. You are obviously still working on English. Now I suppose you want me to read you like a book.”

Harvard looked at her with distain. “Okay, you little smart ass; go ahead, I’m all ears.”

“If I were a midget like you, I would stay away from the ‘little’ references. Okay, you asked for it.” She stared at him as she took a sip of her Coke.

“You are an only child and you were spoiled rotten. You have family money but you didn’t earn it. If you had siblings, they would have beaten the crap out of you and gotten rid of the arrogance.”

She continued, “In school, nobody beat the crap out of you, so your family’s money must have protected you. You’re a total jerk, so you probably went to an Ivy League school. You went to Harvard or Yale since they will take anyone who can pay for it, plus they are used to handling self-important jerks.”

She sipped her Coke again. “You managed to graduate, so that leaves just Harvard. You were probably too lazy or stupid to get good grades in school, so one of your relatives is an alumnus and got you in.” She chuckled. “He probably doesn’t get Christmas cards from them anymore.”

She shook her head. “The fact that you are a detective boggles the mind, considering you are a total moron. The fact that you’re a lieutenant is a conundrum. This relative of yours must be president or close to it. He probably is a politician, since he obviously does not care about the public’s safety. He is probably also a closet psychopath.” She yawned. “Now the red sports car compensates for a tiny…well, you know. So...how did I do, boys?” There was loud tapping on the window.

Harvard ended the interview with his tail between his legs. “We are done here, Miss Snowflake.” Harvard headed for the police bar down the road, swearing up a storm as he left.

She sat waving her feet in the interrogation chair. “Well, are you boys going to buy a girl lunch?”

Matt laughed and replied, “Anywhere you want, honey.”

The rest of the detectives walked out, still laughing. She picked the Red Lobster, which for some unknown reason made Matt laugh.

When they got there, Matt was greeted like a long-lost son by Antonio. “Everything is free. Mr. Wonderful is paying for you to thank you for entertaining his granddaughter.”

She looked up at Antonio. “You know my grandfather?”

“Yes, he is a good friend of mine. Is he coming today?”

She shook her head and laughed. “No. He is offsite playing in a stupid chess tournament. All I know he is way out of phone range.” They ordered crab legs. Matt studied her as she dipped a piece of crab leg in melted butter.

She spoke without looking up. “Is something bothering you, Mr. MIT?”

Shocked, Matt asked, “How did you know that?”

She laughed. “That is elementary, my dear fellow. Harvard is afraid of you intellectually. He went to Harvard so he fears only Yale, Princeton, and MIT grads on the East Coast. You’re not a jerk so that eliminates Harvard and Yale. When you came to my school and you heard I had a full boat to MIT, you micro-smiled. That clinched it.”

Matt laughed. “Wow. I think I will start calling you Sherlock.”

She curtseyed and smiled. “I really do have a calc test tomorrow. I don’t have to study but I have to take the stupid test so let’s go back and complete the interview. Maybe I can have a little chit-chat with that hottie, Brady?” Matt chuckled.

They arrived back at the precinct and Victoria was brought back in the interview room where three detectives waited. She laughed. “All of you detectives, to talk with little old me? It doesn’t seem fair.”

Brady smiled. “To whom?”

She laughed loudly and stared deep into his blue eyes, “So you aren’t just a pretty face, Brady. Okay, boys, here we go: It was early in the morning and I was walking my pet owl, when she unexpectedly flew into the police garage. I was curious and followed her in. A little sleazy-looking guy shuffled up behind me and asked me if I wanted to make twenty bucks. I said, ‘Get lost, you freaking little pervert.’ He reminded me a little of Dave the Dork. A large black gentleman who was apparently with him said, ‘All we want you to do, honey, is to stand in front of the garage camera while we screw with a little twerp’s car. He needs a reality lesson.’”

She chuckled. “I said for grand theft auto I wanted fifty bucks. The big guy laughed and gave me fifty bucks. I said, ‘I ought to have a prop to make it look like a coincidence that I was standing there.’ He told the little guy to buy me an ice cream. I yelled, ‘It better be chocolate.’ The big spender got me the smallest one he could buy. And then the cheapskate argued about the price with the vendor for a full five minutes. I couldn’t believe it.”

She continued, “I could see my owl watching, so I knew I was safe. So I just stood there and ate my ice cream. My owl ah... did her thing. Afterwards, the big guy said, ‘That will show the little prick and his pervert uncle what I think about them giving me orders!’ He left in a black babe Mustang with license number PD6969.”

She laughed. “Now I have to go back to school for my test. It is so boring. There are three pages of what we actually have to know and three hundred pages of idiotic examples.”

Matt drove her back to school. She gave him a hug. “I’ll come in tomorrow for lunch and to see if you’re having a lineup. I have three weeks off so if you want to put me in jail or something cool, I will be available.” She skipped inside the school.

The director came out. “You detectives must be very entertaining. She is usually bored. Victoria has a 200 IQ and isn’t stimulated by her classmates. Her grandfather is pleased and hopes you continue to keep her entertained. He says all your meals at the Red Lobster are on him.”

Matt shook his head and laughed. “Look out, world.”

Brady saw Matt come back in. “So, what was the reference to Antonio?”

Matt laughed. “After the dismantling of Harvard, I would have taken her to Paris for lunch. Well, she picked the Red Lobster. We walked in the place and Antonio, the owner, greeted me like a long-lost son. He even knew her grandfather and apparently she can speak fluent Italian. She even figured out I went to MIT.”

He continued, “The school’s director says she has a 200 IQ. Her grandfather is pleased that we are entertaining her and is paying for all our meals at the Red Lobster. She begins a three-week vacation starting tomorrow, and we are apparently buying her lunch.”

Victoria arrived at eleven sharp and wore a light blue dress “that matched Brady’s eyes.”

Matt asked, “How did the test go?”

She laughed. “It hasn’t been scored yet but I aced it. She looked around, “By the way, where is my pal Harvard?”

Brady smiled. “He had to go get reamed out by his uncle, Senator Howard.”

She nodded. “He is only a senator? I figured it would take a president to get him through Harvard.” The detectives laughed heartily at that one. She looked surprised. “Hey, I was serious.” Brady chuckled. “We know, that is what makes it so funny.” She smiled and shook her head. “Men!”

Brady drove them to the Red Lobster. The owner greeted them like long-lost friends. He asked if her grandfather was back yet in Italian. He looked disappointed. “The meal is, of course, on Mr. Wonderful. He pays for everything, just like old times.”

Brady asked, “What do you mean, ‘just like old times’?”

Antonio nodded. “You know, like last year, when Mr. Wonderful would tell all his stories about history like he was really there. Mrs. B. loved all the stories. You bring her with you tomorrow?”

Matt, Brady, and Victoria returned to the station. Harvard was there and was his usual miserable self.

Brady jabbed him. “So Lieutenant Harvard, any good news on the home front? Did you get reamed out by your dear uncle again?” Harvard cringed but remained silent. Brady chuckled and checked his e-mails. “Matt, come here a second. There is a message from our friends.” He whispered, “Apparently there is another witness to the murders besides Dave the Dork.”

He whispered, “Papa Doc and his friends are searching for someone. The FBI learned about it from a drug wiretap. They won’t give us any information, because we have a leak.” He and Matt looked over at Victoria and then at Harvard with his gray suit and crimson tie. He was staring at them intently.

Brady deleted the message and shredded his trash box in case Harvard had an unlikely bright idea. Victoria looked at her watch. “Looks like it’s time for some ice cream...you want to buy me one, Uncle Harvard?”

He cringed slightly. “Sorry, I have an earache.”

She laughed with glee. “Fine, too bad for you; you had time to stop them and I was buying. I’ll go with Matt or Brady.” Harvard’s face showed alarm but remained seated. He phoned down to the garage to check on his Corvette.

Matt smiled. “Did someone screw with his car again?”

She giggled, “Well, not exactly. Apparently, someone painted a handicap zone around his car and called a tow truck.” She grabbed both their hands and they walked down to the ice cream vendor’s spot.

The man smiled at her. “Good morning Victoria.”

She curtsied. “Good morning, Bill. A double chocolate cone please.” They all sat on the park bench, licking their cones.

She smiled and dumped a bomb on them. “By the way, boys, the two gentlemen screwing with Harvard’s car are your killers.”

A shocked Brady asked, “How do you know that?”

She laughed. “My owl, Snowflake told me.” The two detectives looked at each other. She giggled at their expressions. “I was there, of course. By the way, Brady, your two friends are back. They are...”

He laughed. “I see him, dressed as a woman...” He snuck off. Matt realized it was a mistake and stood to tell Brady.

Victoria laughed and grabbed Matt’s arm. “This ought to be good.” Brady pinched “his” butt and promptly got slapped by a young woman. She took a good look and thought better of it and gave him a big kiss. Victoria ran over. “Sorry Miss, but my gay uncle thought you were a guy.”

She sighed. “You’re right. Look at him; he is too good-looking to be straight.” She walked off.

Abel’s two men were laughing hard at a bright-red Brady. The leader said, “She believed that pretty easily, huh Brady.” Tommy glared at him. He continued, “The witness is a girl with mousey brown...” he looked at a mad Victoria with her arms on her hips.

She stared him down. “You were saying?”

He chuckled. “Ah... I gather she is the witness.”

Matt nodded. “Yes, but don’t tell Abel.”

The leader laughed. “Don’t worry. We wouldn’t dare tell him. He would grab the young lady and ransom her to Papa Doc. He is a real sweetheart.”

Matt laughed and replied, “How can you work for a man like that?”

The second man chuckled. “We used to be CIA, and everything is uphill from there.”

The detectives brought Victoria back and filled in Captain Brown. Harvard had gone to the impound lot to pay the fine and get his car back.

The captain blushed and admonished her. “Try and play nice with Harvard, honey.”

She gave him a sinister smile. “Do you mean nice my way or nice your way?”

Captain Brown glanced at Matt and Brady. They were both smiling at him. “Better make it nice my way.”

She laughed, “You made an excellent choice, Captain Brown.”

Matt spoke to Brady. “We’ll meet at the Red Lobster to discuss what to do at, say, seven?”

Brady laughed. “That’s fine. That will give my wife two hours to get ready.”

Victoria just smiled at him, which made Brady nervous. “So, you like my dress, Brady?”

He stammered, “Um yes, I like it a lot.”

She smiled at him. “It matches your eyes.” Brady turned beet red. Victoria laughed with glee.

That evening Matt walked in to the Red Lobster with Victoria. Mrs. B. was speaking to Antonio in French. Victoria listened and laughed. “You told your wife I would say it was a pleasure to meet your mother?”

Victoria laughed. “No, I was going to ask her if Napoleon was good in bed.”

An old woman at the next table talked to her friend in Russian. It made Matt blush. Victoria said something to her in Russian. Matt tried not to laugh and showed the ladies his gun. Victoria said something else to them and they left immediately.

Matt laughed. “She commented on Victoria’s, um, upbringing to her friend.

Victoria told her, “My father is a Russian mobster that would be arriving for supper in about ten minutes and that I was her bodyguard.”

Brady laughed. “We are going to keep Victoria at our house. Matt is going to use the guest room with the excuse another girlfriend dumped him. Harvard will like that. It happens all the time.” Victoria looked at Matt and laughed softly. He saw her and gave her an embarrassed smile that make Victoria laugh louder.

Mrs. B. smiled, “You will be safe with us, honey.” I won a silver medal for shooting in the Olympics.”

Victoria smiled. “Well, I don’t know how much help a flintlock will really be against automatic weapons.”

Mrs. B. laughed. “I see what you mean.” She gave her husband the old “I dare you” look.