The Chrononauts

The real Dan Edwards was now safe and sound at the Bradys’ house after the assassination attempt. The president, in the meantime, had called in the Russians to kill him. They were happy to do it. Edwards had called them “hygiene-challenged”. The ten thousand dollars apiece they would earn could buy a lot of soap.

The fake Dan Edwards went on vacation to unwind for a few days at a casino with his blonde bimbo, Bambi. He stayed at a casino controlled by the president’s friends. The president thought that was hilarious. He talked to the Russians. “Be careful, he is a famous person, but make sure to entertain him properly.”

The FBI agents, Barry and Bob, were there to video the events. They watched Dan check in with Bambi. Clarissa was Bambi. Narissa played Dan since she had lost the coin flip.

Frosty the falcon was there to cause trouble. He was going to have some fun with the straight-laced FBI guys. Grogan was there just in case. Matt broke into the casino video system feed to copy it just in case something naughty happened in Dan’s room.

Meanwhile back at the South Pole, Dr. Scott was checking his data on the dancing ritual the male emperor penguins used to keep warm. He was fifty, six feet two, and in good shape. His white hair was in a ponytail, draping down his neck to the collar bottom. The penguins grouped together in a large circle. They moved from outer rows to inner rows to share their body heat.

He was halfheartedly watching the live feed on his computer screen. He walked over to get a cup of coffee when he heard a loud voice saying, “No one will know, right, Dr. Scott?” A topless, well-endowed young woman walked in front of the live feed. The penguins could be seen in the background.

The doctor stood holding his coffee and staring at the screen with his mouth open. A woman’s voice screamed, “Yes, Yes, Yes, Dr. Scott!” Don’t stop!” There was loud groaning. The feed seemed to be in a loop. He tried to turn down the volume but it only grew louder with his efforts.

The doctor kept trying to turn the knob to lower the volume. He soon had a group of curious female scientists in his lab. Several of them were smiling seductively at the fifty-year-old doctor. He stuttered, “What the hell is this? Which one of you geeks made this video?”

A smiling female lab rat doctoral candidate checked his computer. “This is a real-time feed from the penguin cam, doctor.”

He blushed. “Really? Get a couple people down there to check it out. If the girl is there, she is mine.” The Condition Two light was on so they could take the tractor most of the way. They would take a rope for the last hundred yards so they wouldn’t alarm the penguins.

Twenty minutes later, an excited male voice came on the screen. “You won’t believe this, doctor. We found a guy wrapped in a torn parachute out here and he is still alive. We are bringing him in. There is no woman here.”

The doctor chuckled. “Well, that is certainly a bummer.”

Back at the casino, Dan was playing blackjack. Bambi sat there bored out of her mind, swinging her feet and checking out cute guys that walked by. Meanwhile, two hookers eyed the two FBI agents. They sauntered up to the two men and grabbed the shocked agents between their legs. The redhead gushed, “Hey, do you guys want to party?”

A blushing Bob said, “No thanks, ladies; we’ll sit this one out.”

The blonde punched the redhead. “See Lori? Look how they are dressed. I told you they were gay.”

Dan Edwards was winning at blackjack and his fans were cheering him on. His girlfriend had her head in his lap, doing who knows what. His drinks were being spiked to slow him down. The FBI agents were busy watching him and didn’t see the two giants dressed in drag saunter up to the bar.

They wanted to party. Barry told them to get lost. They didn’t like rejection and were not going anywhere. Bob flashed his FBI badge at them. They were unimpressed. The taller one spoke. “Look ladies, you don’t understand, we aren’t asking you to party, we’re telling you we’re going to party. He jabbed his soon-to-be broken finger in Bob’s chest. Bob broke it and the man went to his knees.

He cried out, “All you had to do was ask.” He unzipped Bob’s pants and reached in. The bartender had had enough. He had them all thrown out. Bob got mad. “God damn it, we are FBI agents. We are here on a case, watching Dan Edwards and Bambi the Butcher Brockovitch. They are involved in eight assassinations on the East Coast.”

Bob glanced at Barry, who was checking out for wildlife flying over. “Look, call up the FBI hot line and check our freaking badge numbers. Bambi graduated from Harvard when she was nineteen.” The badges were verified and returned.

The bartender chuckled, “I knew she couldn’t be that stupid even for a blonde.”

Back at the South Pole, Wyman was checked by a doctor who laughed. “Well, considering he seemed to have jumped out of a plane in a Condition One storm, he is remarkably not dead. Get his core temperature back up and call me if or when he wakes up.”

The man who brought Wyman back was laughing to his buddies. “Apparently, he tied his cell phone to our camera to get our attention. That was pretty smart. It must have been a coincidence that the video had a stud named Dr. Scott.”

Dr. Scott chuckled. “Now that I see the whole video, I do notice one similarity.”

A little while later, Wyman was awake. The surprised doctor asked, “So how are you alive?”

Wyman chuckled, “Well, once it was clear the men were going to shoot me, I got lucky. I talked them into letting me jump out. When I jumped, there must have been a lucky lull in the storm. I had slit the chute to decrease drag. I luckily got tangled on your penguin’s video camera pole.”

The doctor chuckled. “There were sure a lot of luckys in that story.”

Wyman smiled. “Two people came in here on the last flight of the year: a Wendy White and a Senator Feltz. The plane that threw me off it contained a hit team the illicit president sent to kill the pair. The girl is the only witness to an assassination.”

Wyman sighed. “The team couldn’t land yesterday because of the Condition One weather. I came down here to warn and protect them. The bad guys will probably try to land again tomorrow. They will make up some story to get you to give them up.” Wyman looked around. “I take it we are not in the American sector?”

The doctor laughed. “No mate, you’re not. There isn’t an American sector. You are in the Davis sector. We are the ones with the pretty green and red buildings and the only twenty-four hour open bar for three thousand kilometers.”

At the casino, Bob was staring at Barry. “That is quite the imagination you got there, Barry.”

Barry laughed. “That’s what your wife says, too.” They watched Dan continue to win and wondered how high “Bambi” was going to let her dress ride.

The pit boss whispered to the manager, “The little bastard is up fifty thousand.”

The manager laughed. “Don’t worry, his eyes are fluttering; he’s toast.”

Dan yawned and stood up. “You take over, Bambi; I need a nap.” The pit boss looked at the pile of chips, then at Bambi’s breasts, and smiled.

Bambi yawned, “I want to play roulette for a while.” She bet on numbers only. Dan stumbled down an hour later. There was a big crowd around Bambi.

Dan chuckled, “She probably has her dress up to her chin by now.” He was surprised to see a huge pile of chips in front of her.

She squealed, “I think I am winning.”

He laughed. “That’s not likely, babe. So how much is each chip worth, a dollar?”

The security man standing next to her laughed. “They are worth ten thousand dollars a chip, sir.”

Dan laughed. “You got to be shitting me.” He cashed her out and had the money put in the casino safe. They headed out for a complimentary lobster and prime rib supper. His room was upgraded to a luxury suite. Life was good.

Back at the South Pole, an A-380 found a window of weather good enough to make a risky landing at Pegasus Field. The occupants were driven to McMurdo. The normally forty-five minute drive took ninety minutes due to weather. The vehicle carried emergency medical supplies and four CIA assassins. The Katabatic winds were at a gentle one hundred knots in spots.

The men clipped on to a secure green lifeline and headed for the Australian sector. The well-armed men introduced themselves as CIA and demanded Wendy White and Senator Feltz. The doctor played stupid. “This was an emergency medical flight, not some bloody CIA operation.”

The leader bluffed, “They need to be quarantined.”

“Are you a doctor?”

“Well, no, but...”

“Look mate, we don’t recognize your fake president. You ought to go visit with the butt-kissing Brits.” If the CIA expected the Aussies to jump through hoops for them, they were sadly mistaken. They went to see the Brits.

They were dragging their feet also. “We have to verify that you are who you say you are. We won’t have satellite coverage for several hours. We have rooms for you and a sandwich machine down the hall. If you follow the red line on the floor, you’ll find a bar.”

Three hours later the Brits were told to help. The leading scientist talked to the CIA. “They are not here. They went with Dr. Williams to fix the weather instruments at Dome A. They had stopped working due to either extremely low temperatures or the earthquake; take your pick. They will be gone until spring, I am afraid.”

The leader looked startled. “You do not mean Dr. Wyman Williams?”

The man laughed. “He tried to tell us he fell out of a plane during a Condition One event.”

The CIA leader showed relief on his face. “We will need passage to Dome A.”

The scientist laughed. “That is impossible until spring. We don’t even know if your two people made it there. Nobody in their right mind would go now. It is sure death.”

The CIA leader chuckled. “We will pay a lot of money.”

The man laughed. “Weren’t you listening? What good is money if you’re dead? There is an old man who drinks over in the Aussie’s bar. He is suicidal. You can go talk to him.”

The men left. The Brit called the Aussies. “The CIA bloke almost had a heart attack when he heard Williams wasn’t dead. He was relieved when I told him Williams said he fell out of a plane. These guys are bad news. I hope this Williams character knows what he is doing.”

The men went back to the Aussies. The doctor talked to them again. “I advise you to wait until spring, mate. The homing device doesn’t work at Dome A. Magnetic compasses are useless. GPS doesn’t work either; there are no differential corrections with handhelds. Your only hope is crazy Old Jim.”

Back at the casino, the FBI were alarmed that Dan and Bambi had not come down in the morning to gamble. The desk clerk told them, “Oh, his party checked out last night at three a.m.”

Bob got mad. “Really? Then show us the video of him leaving, so we can call off the FBI team on their way here to search for them.”

A defensive clerk said, “Well, I’m sorry, but there was a glitch in the system last night.”

Bob got on the phone. “Fine, we’re shutting you down.”

Dan and Bambi stepped out of the elevator to the obvious shock of the desk clerk. “We want a new suite. The next room woke us up with their partying and guns shooting at three a.m.”

The FBI looked at the clerk with raised eyebrows. He didn’t lose a beat. “We will put you up in the penthouse suite on the top floor; free of charge, of course.”

At Yellowstone, Wiltrex got a chopper ride to the execution site. He could see the crashed chopper. They did a loop, saw nothing, and landed. He and three men entered the facility with drawn weapons. They saw their dead execution team on the floor. Outside, they found the three ground marks left by a saucer.

Wiltrex opened his phone and called the president. “How should I know? Our assassins are dead and their chopper is blown to shit.” He heard a click and an AK-47 cut him and his men in half. The president heard it all.

A voice said, “You’re next, asshole.”

Brady and the scientists returned to Yellowstone, much to the chagrin of the president.

Vantrix called the terrorist group at their camp in Idaho. “We have to get them out quickly. The mine is almost cleared out and you have to get your ordnance. It must look like they left on their own. The press is watching us like a hawk. The assholes even brought some press with them.”

Back at the South Pole, the CIA got modest help from the Australians. The doctor talked to them. “Look, we were told to feed you, get you drunk, but in no way risk any of our people on a flimsy story like the one you tried to pawn on us.”

The CIA tried to hire a ride to the Dome, but got laughed at and told, “No way.”

One man said, “Look mate, the spot is at four thousand feet and has an average temperature of minus a hundred. Nobody in their right mind will take you there. What you need is someone suicidal. You need Old Jim.”

The CIA leader looked at a solitary man sitting alone with a beer. Dr. Scott told his story. “His wife died in his arms two years ago when they were caught in a Condition One event. Her tether broke and he managed to find her, but she was frozen solid. Since then, he wants to die. He went to MIT and has a tractor that he can program to go anywhere. Once he goes somewhere, he can record the route and retrace it step by step. It is cutting edge technology. He will take you because he wants to die.”

The leader slipped the doctor a hundred bucks. The doctor chuckled, “I am not giving it back if he tells you to get lost.”

The CIA leader chuckled and walked over to Jim’s table. “We have to get to Dome A.” The old man ignored him. Mr. CIA got mad. “Hey, asshole, I am talking to you.”

The man looked up at him. “Get lost, dickhead.”

Mr. CIA was persistent. “I want to buy a ride to Dome A.” The old man probed him with intelligent eyes. “Why?”

“We want to rescue two people.”

“Why?”

“That’s none of your business.”

The old man laughed. “Oh, you want to kill them.” The CIA leader was shocked. The old man chuckled. “Five million dollars and put it in the bar beverage account here so they can get some decent booze for a change.”

The leader cringed. “That is a lot of money.”

Jim laughed. “I have a rather large bar tab and you are going to murder two people.” The money was deposited in the account.

Jim chuckled. “If you want to make peace with God, you better hurry. I’ll be ready in two hours. I just have to fuel up and pack supplies.

The leader called the president. The president’s voice cracked on the scrambled ESS satellite feed. “Kill the old man when you find them.”

The doctor talked to “Old Jim.” “Blimey Wyman, I hope you know what you’re doing. Oh, and thanks for the beverage donation. We are hanging your picture on our wall of fame.”

The men stumbled their way into the tractor panting loudly. Old Jim laughed at them, “Now you know what all the green flags are for. The Vaseline is needed to protect your skin from the dry air. I programmed in the route on this thumb drive memory. The green light will mean the route we are on matches the distance from the Ross Beacon.”

Jim continued, “The red means you are off course and I will have to use a debug thumb drive to correct the vector error. The red light can also cause an audio alarm after ten minutes of remaining lit. The monotony hypnotizes people after a couple days and they tend to fall asleep.”

He added, “If the audio alarm comes on, stop the tractor immediately and wake me. We will do six-hour shifts and check fuel levels. The vehicle will steer itself. Basically, all you have to do is make sure we don’t run into abandoned vehicles.”

Jim chuckled. “Once we get your two people, replace the thumb drive with the one on the chain on my neck.” Old Jim smiled, “I’m telling you this, in case I have an unforeseen accident.”

Five days later, the alarm went off. Jim looked at the mileage. “That just means we are within five miles.” Jim pulled out the thumb drive and put in another. The red light went out and the green came back on. He laughed, “It was in case you killed me. It would have driven you off the cliff.”

Jim turned toward the CIA agent. He saw the gun and smiled. He tossed the leader the original thumb drive from around his neck. There was a tremendous storm outside. Jim chuckled. “I take it I am going for a walk?”

The leader smiled. “You knew this was a one-way trip.”

Jim took a drink. “That fact doesn’t scare you?” The leader laughed at him. Jim exited the tractor. He watched the tractor light disappear fifty yards in front of him. He took out a small homemade direction finder. He turned thirty degrees to the east and started trotting. The CIA guys watched his silhouette disappear in the blowing ice grains.

Ten minutes later, the alarm went off. The leader glanced down at the lit green light. “Hey, wasn’t the red light the right hand light? The asshole unscrewed the green and red lens covers on us and switched them. Shit! It is really the red light on.” The tractor groaned and fell off the ice shelf into the frigid churning ocean.

Back at Yellowstone, the bad guys had their bombs but no plutonium. They figured it was still in the mine. They would have to persuade the Bradys to move out.

Brady sat in a hammock with a beer when he saw a stranger approach. He grabbed his rifle and loaded the chamber. Larry lifted his head and growled. The man smiled, but his eyes didn’t. The man stopped walking. “Hello sir, we will be blasting this afternoon about a mile away for a new access road. We are encouraging everyone to move south for a couple days.”

Brady chuckled, “The army made us move once. We are not going anywhere.” The man took one step forward and Larry sat up and growled louder. Brady aimed the rifle at his chest and smiled. “Sorry, dude. My dog is an excellent judge of character.”

The man backed up and chuckled nervously. “Well, suit yourself.”

Two hours later, there were loud explosions every few seconds. Marissa was awakened by them. “Well, we can’t have that,” she decided. The noise stopped instantly.

An hour passed and a different man appeared. “You’re still here?”

An armed Brady smiled. “Why would we leave?”

The surprised man asked, “Doesn’t the blasting bother you?”

Brady played dumb. “What noise?”

The man raised his hands and walked up by Brady. He was shocked to hear and feel nothing. He looked confused. “That is the weirdest thing I have ever seen.” He walked away, looking back and up at the sky several times. After he left, Brady laughed hysterically.

The bad guys next started a fire. The huge amount of smoke had scared the scientists into packing up.

Marissa stood next to a Princeton scientist and looked up at the sky. “Wow, that’s a big thunderstorm coming.”

The Princeton scientist laughed. “No my dear, nothing is coming. I just looked at the radar.” He looked up at the sky and did a double take. “Where did that come from?”

Marissa laughed. “They must spawn quickly up here.”

The scientist laughed. “Madam, that is an understatement.” The deluge soaked everything and put out the fire completely.

Wyman made his way to Dome A. He was caked in sticky ice particles. A warning beep from inside the dome told the people inside that there was a moving object outside. Wendy and Feltz were armed to the teeth.

The scientist there laughed. “Don’t worry guys; the South Pole doesn’t have polar bears.” They were shocked to see Wyman come strolling in the pre-entrance.

Feltz laughed. “What are you doing here?”

Wyman chuckled. “Our dear president sent a hit team to kill you. They went for a swim a few miles back.” The scientist looked like he was going to faint. Wyman was shivering badly. Wendy would warm him up.

Back at the White House, the president was getting ready to give a reassurance speech to the American people. It would deal with elections and the end of martial law. While he was talking to the people, his man would be buying food stuff options. He had a program that would buy a lot of small orders and not be noticed. After the speech, his limo was brought around to the front gate. The driver got out and the door locked by itself behind him. He ran to open the president’s door but it was locked. The door remote didn’t work.

The president whispered, “Try all the doors, you idiot.” The president watched the driver try to kick out the bulletproof glass side window. The car started rolling and gained speed as it hit Pennsylvania Avenue. It got creamed by several trucks and burst into flames. The other car was in the shop getting the hood damage repaired from the Edwards incident.

The irate president told him to call a cab and then walked back inside for a nap. A pink beam of light hit him while he was asleep. Thirty minutes later, the taxicab driver looked nervously in his mirror. Yup, that is the president, asleep in my back seat, he realized. He thought he looked feminine in person. The taxi pulled into the speech site at 1:30.

The press recorded his arrival in a taxi with a smattering of laughter. The president got out and asked, “How much do I owe you sir?”

The cabbie smiled for the press, “Thirty-eight dollars, Mr. President.”

The president smiled. “Here you go.”

The press noticed the driver was pissed. “I don’t want your damn autograph. I want my money.”

The president chuckled. “That was very funny.”

The cab driver wasn’t laughing. “I want my money, you crook.”

The president got angry. “I paid you, you green card-carrying little snot.”

The driver countered, “You didn’t pay me, you freaking murderer.”

The president’s body guards pushed the man back into his taxi. The president noticed the excited press. “I paid you in cash, sir. Are you calling the President of the United States a liar?”

The man got out. “I am not talking to the president. You killed the real president. I am talking to the crook that didn’t pay me.” The press watched the video.

Dan spoke. “You didn’t pay him, sir. We checked.” The press collected money and paid the driver. After his speech, the president took a couple questions.

“Sir, why are you wearing nail polish?”

The president looked down and was shocked to see the red nails. He stuttered, “I um...have a nail fungus infection.”

Dan chuckled. “Fine, Mr. President, and you are wearing earrings because you have tinnitus?”

The president felt his ear and turned bright red. “Some smart ass aide must have put them on while I was napping. No more questions.” He walked towards the cab and the cab driver gave him the finger out the window as it drove away. All the cameras caught it on film.

The president heard that his assassins were missing and presumed dead and that his two targets were alive and to top it off Wyman Williams was also in Antarctica.

The president had an unregistered plane go in and abduct the three people. The alarmed Australians called the FBI. Bob and Barry went crazy and started making phone calls. Bob called the director. “They will drug them and crash the plane, sir.”

Victoria put her hand on Bob’s arm and shook her head. Bob relaxed immediately. “Sir, Victoria says we have nothing to worry about. Yes sir, it works for me also.” Victoria walked to the cooler and brought each of the boys a beer.

Wendy, Wyman, and Feltz were handcuffed to the seats. The leader spoke, “The president made me promise to torture you before I kill you. I am not a psychopath. You will be given sleeping pills and the plane set on autopilot. We are going to be picked up by a sub the president is sending.”

Wyman laughed. “I wouldn’t trust the president if I were you. Well, could you marry us before you go? You are the captain right?” Wendy smiled weakly at Wyman.

The leader laughed. “Sure, why the hell don’t I?”

Four hours later, the pilot and his men bailed out. They soon realized there was not a submarine coming any time soon. Wyman chuckled and undid his cuffs. He took the plane off autopilot. He looped back around and buzzed the shocked men in the water.

He pushed out a life raft for them. They waved and he did the same with the wings. He called the Australians and told them he saw a life raft and gave them the coordinates.

Back at Yellowstone, Larry’s nose found the plutonium for the ladies. Victoria pouted and said she could have found it with a heat sensor. Larry was given his usual reward of a raw four-pound T-bone steak. It lasted thirty seconds, a new record.

The terrorists were pissed when they checked their bombs and found the plutonium missing again. They decided to take a team of men into the Bradys’ camp to kill everyone. They marched towards it for an hour.

They noticed it seemed to get darker and a lot more humid. They were shocked to see no camp or sign of people. The leader looked around. “We must be in the wrong freaking area. Check the GPS again.”

The man looked down. “Huh. It isn’t working. It might need batteries.”

There was a loud scream and a voice yelled, “Run for your life.” The saucer watched the slaughter and slowly left.

The CIA agents were fished out of the Tasman Sea by the Australian Navy. The captain chuckled, “The people who you tried to kill are not pressing charges. They said they figured you had some friends you were going to thank.”

The CIA leader smiled. “You got that right.”

The president looked out the White House window and saw the white owl sitting in a tree. “I’m going to shoot that damn owl.”

Just then, a bullet came through the window and stuck in the wall. The president cowered on the floor. A mile away an army sniper chuckled.