The Chrononauts

The Bradys were enjoying the lull in the action. The sunset was going to be beautiful. The four ladies seemed restless and were just standing around. Victoria looked at them curiously. Marissa shuffled her feet, “Um...we thought you um...might like to meet our UFO friend.”

Victoria squealed. “Wow. That would be wicked cool!” Victoria ran over to the short greenish man. “Hi! I’m Victoria, but my friends call me Victoria.”

He chuckled. “So much for the shock and awe factor, call me Gort.” Everybody laughed at that. He shook hands with everyone and they took pictures. Victoria made him shoot a rock with his ray gun.

Matt, of course, had a lot of questions. “Is light the fastest thing in the universe?”

Gort chuckled. “You measure what you call speed using distance and what you call time. What you call time is just a bookmark. When your people go back and try to change events you fail. All you really do is form a branch of a new reality. The original event goes on undisturbed.”

Matt persisted, “How can a saucer move and turn abruptly without killing the pilot?”

Gort chuckled. “To kill the pilot, you would have the existence of inertia. With no gravity, vector inertia doesn’t exist. We can defeat gravitational waves.”

The president learned about the cab driver’s “accident” and laughed. The president’s personal assassin had the real Dan Edwards in his cross hairs. The assassin’s head exploded and an Army Ranger chuckled.

The president was having trouble sleeping. A lot of his men were disappearing from the face of the earth. The terrorists were complaining about losing their plutonium for the third time.

The president mumbled, “What the hell are they doing? Eating it? Send a scientist down with it. Once it has been installed, they can’t bitch about losing it again. By the way, is Dan Edwards dead?”

The aide shrugged. “We haven’t heard, sir.”

The president shrugged. “Well, the way things are going, assume he is alive and car bomb him.”

The next day, a man slid under Dan’s Audi to plant his bomb and was surprised to see one already there. It took a few seconds for it to register. He sighed, “Oh shit.”

A Ranger sitting inside a BMW laughed. “You’re so predictable, Mr. President.” He pushed the button.

Larissa was starting to like being Dan Edwards. “There is never a dull moment with this dude.”

The alien had to go. He showed them his ship. “It runs on a substance not found on your planet. It is excited and morphs into another substance with a few nanoseconds half-life. It is a sort of a controlled power avalanche.” He hopped in the saucer and said, “Check this out.” He and his ship were out of sight in a split second. His amazing disappearance got a “Whoa!” out of Matt.

The president’s man arrived to install the plutonium. He refused to let them install the triggers themselves. They cut his head off. The leader spoke. “We have to get those people away from the mine to plant the explosives. Kidnap someone and we will force them out that way.”

Victoria had taken Larry for a walk. Larry caught a scent and ran after it. Larry came back to the camp alone and limping.

Snowflake was back from the East Coast. She flew down to Larry. Mrs. B. talked to her. “Is Victoria lost?” She got two hoots.

“Is she okay?”

One hoot.

“Does someone have her?”

One hoot.

“Does Larry know where she is?”

Two hoots.

A terrorist posing as a hiker approached the camp. “You will be out of here by sunrise or we will kill the little girl.”

Brady got in his face. “We will be out of here. If you harm one hair on her head, you will die slowly and painfully. If you return her now, it will be quick.”

The man laughed. “Sure it will, sport.” The smile from Brady made him back away quickly. The hair on his neck rose as he swiftly left.

Victoria smiled at the terrorist and sipped her Coke. He became alarmed by it. “Why are you smiling at me?”

She laughed. “You are in jeopardy. Boy, you picked the wrong person to kidnap.”

He laughed. “Is that so?”

She laughed again. “Yes, that is so. You think you are dealing with only humans, but you’re not. Well, it has been fun. I have to leave now; my ride is here.”

The alarmed man jumped up with his rifle pointing forward. He looked around quickly and saw no one. “There is no ride.” Victoria pointed up in the air. The UFO floated a hundred feet above them.

The leader saw a white light hit her. She giggled and disappeared. The saucer appeared above the Brady camp and did a series of outlandish tricks.

Mrs. B. laughed. “Well, I guess Gort found Victoria.”

It landed in camp and the door popped open. Victoria popped out. “Wow! What a wicked cool ride!” Gort got out, shaking his head and laughing.

She looked around. “Is Larry all right?”

Mrs. B. smiled. “He is fine, sweetheart. Snowflake fixed him up.”

Victoria hugged him. “He tried to help me, but there were too many of them.” She giggled. “Larry, I am not a piece of steak.”

The second-in-command found his leader staring up in the air. He asked, “What are you doing? Where is the little girl?”

The leader mumbled, “Her ride picked her up. We have to get out of here now.” The second man shot him.

Back at camp, Brady was irate. “I’ve had enough of these assholes. We are going to take them out.” Everyone armed themselves.

Mrs. B. loaded a rifle. Brady stared at her. “She is my daughter too, and besides, I am a better shot.” They decided on a plan to have the FBI agents approach from the south. The Bradys would attack from the north and the four ladies up the middle.

Victoria wanted a gun. “Hey, I’m the injured party here. Don’t I get a gun?” She got a ‘’NO” look from her mother.

All the action seemed to be from the middle. The ladies appeared to the terrorists as zombies. The men died a terrifying death. As a joke, the ladies left giant T-Rex footprints all over the kill area.

The Enquirer headline would read “American T-Rex Kills 25 Terrorists in Yellowstone.”

The president was irate. “The freaking Enquirer is killing us. Get some people out there to see what really happened.”

The vacation ended and the Bradys returned home. They weren’t surprised to find Wendy and Wyman had been married.

School started and Victoria had to write a paper on “What I Did Last Summer.” She was a little too psyched for Mrs. B. “I want to proofread it before you hand it in,” Mrs. B. warned.

The various news teams were allowed to view the terrorist site. The president had a picture of himself taken standing with the captured nuclear bombs. The camp in Idaho had computers full of gay porn and drug gear all over the place. Several of their phones had numbers of the president’s staff in them.

Dan Edwards did a report on that fact and also that he had a source that said the president was undergoing sex change surgery. The president was not happy. “Well, I guess the asshole is still alive.” He sent two men to go to Dan’s apartment. They were told to “kill him or we will kill you.”

The terrorists called the president’s private cell phone. “We see you have our bombs. We paid you. We want our bombs back or we will go to the Enquirer.”

The Bradys had their cookout. The FBI told Dan there was another hit out on him. A happy Larissa would be taking his place. She jumped up and down, clapping with glee in a skin-tight pink mini. “Dan” left the cookout at eleven and headed back to his apartment. His “girlfriend” arrived back earlier. She unlocked the door and was surprised to find two men hiding inside.

She laughed as she kicked off her black high heels. “Who are you two turkeys?”

The two men looked at each other. They looked pissed. “We are the two turkeys holding guns on you.”

She laughed. “Wow, two Arab cowards have to hold guns on the little unarmed woman? Now I know why you make laws in your country to keep the women suppressed.” That had the desired effect. The two men put their guns down and walked towards her with knives.

She lifted her eyebrows. “I am not afraid of two thirty-year-old virgins.”

The door clicked open and Dan Edwards walked in. “Well, that explains the stench in the hallway. Who are these two turkeys, dear?”

She laughed. “They are just two thirty-year-old virgins that came here to kill you, sweet cheeks.”

He chuckled. “Okay, can you entertain them while I take a shower—but don’t kill them this time? They did come here to kill me.” Dan walked into the living room after his shower.

The two men were huddled together in the corner in their underwear. Dan shook his head at his girlfriend and looked back at the two men, “Okay, I’ll ask once: who sent you?” The two men just looked defiant.

Bambi, the girlfriend, spoke up. “I bet if we threw them off the balcony from the...”

Dan finished, “Fifty-second floor, dear.”

She continued, “Fifty-second floor, I bet the taller man will hit the ground first.

Dan laughed. “Okay, it’s a bet.” They each grabbed a screaming man and threw the two over the side. After a few seconds, Dan held out his hand. Bambi laid a dollar bill in it. He chuckled, “You make a very convincing blonde, Marissa.” She scowled.

Dan called the police. “Yes, they tried again, sergeant.” The next morning, Dan was accosted by five men on his way to the hotel garage. They all poured into a car as Dan chuckled.

The leader pushed a gun into his ear. “You drive, Edwards. Get us on Route Two. You’re going to have an accident.”

Dan fastened his seatbelt and adjusted the mirror. “I’d put your seatbelts on. I am a nervous driver. It’s a mistake to let me drive. I love speed.” They turned onto Route Two and Dan decked it. “I wonder if we can make the next sharp turn at 120 miles per hour.”

The alarmed leader screamed, “Slow down, you idiot!” The leader grabbed the steering wheel and pulled the trigger of his gun. It just clicked. The car hit a twenty-foot high rock outcropping.

Dan crawled out through the now-glassless back passenger window. “I told you turkeys to wear seatbelts,” he remarked, shaking his head. Dan waited for the police and his film crew. He tossed his cigarette on the ground and checked his face in the totaled car’s mirror.

He left the blood on his face as he commented on the incident. “This is Dan Edwards, reporting from the scene of a horrific car accident. I was abducted by five men at gun point, who told me the president sent them to kill me. I managed to fight them for the gun and the car went off the road and hit a pegmatite rock outcrop at what police tell me was 120 miles an hour. I told them to wear seatbelts but...” He tossed his mic to the camera man. He felt blood dripping from his nose. “Nancy, makeup, please!”

The terrorists made arrangements to meet the president and his aides at an abandoned factory. A presidential aide protested, “But sir, we have no more functional nukes to give them.”

The president laughed. “No shit, Dick Tracy. We are going to ambush them and kill them all.”

The terror group leader had checked out several potential places the president might pick. There was one particularly bad place where naughty things might occur. The president had picked it. The terrorist chuckled, “Get all our snipers in place. The president plans on a double cross. That’s good; now we don’t have to go out looking for him. It saves us a lot of work. I must thank him.”

The aide had a light go on. “Don’t you think they will know it is a trap?”

The president laughed. “Of course, but you will be there as my stand-in.” The aide swallowed hard.

The FBI intercepted all the communications and would be waiting and watching. Snowflake would make sure all the bullets would miss. Barry told the men to take no action until all the bullets were gone. The men thought he was crazy. Barry told them, “MIT has invented a beam that bends light. They are trying it out today, and gentlemen, it is top secret.”

Bob would be waiting with a video camera. He couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. Bob whispered to Barry, “That is the best you could come up with?”

Barry looked at the men. “Well, they bought it.”

The stand-in president asked, “You don’t trust us?”

The terrorist had brought a scientist and a Geiger counter. He chuckled and shook his head. “Well, considering one of my men has the real president in his crosshairs as we speak, you can see my doubt.” Luckily the president was behind safety glass.

The terrorist at the site walked slowly behind some bullet-proof machinery. The fake president took his queue and dove behind the nuclear weapon crates.

The terrorist laughed. “Well, that answers that question. He spoke on a radio. “Blow all the escape tunnels.” After the tunnels blew up, all hell broke loose. The FBI agents watched all the shooting and quickly realized nobody was getting killed.

There was a lot of swearing from the trees, windows, and behind rocks as bullets bounced wide of their targets. The FBI started murmuring and gradually began laughing loudly. Five minutes later, all the shooting stopped.

The FBI announced their presence. “Are all you ladies out of ammo? Throw your weapons on the ground and come out with your hands up.” The FBI wounded one man in the butt who tried to run. The rest of the men gave up without incident. Everything that could have gone wrong for the president did.

The president ranted, “The FBI has our men and the terrorists?” He realized he had to get them away from the FBI. He called the CIA.

The FBI had the acting leader of the terrorist group. He was an educated man. The radical leader had gotten killed by the ladies during the last showdown at Yellowstone. Bob smiled at him. “The president wants you bad. He doesn’t like his loose ends...alive. The CIA has been sent to take your men from us. They threatened our boss, the FBI director. He told them to kiss his hairy ass.”

The man looked at him. “How do I know you’re not working for the president?”

Barry laughed. “Well, for starters, you’re still alive.”

The scientist leader chuckled. “I see your point.”

Bob had an idea. “How would you like to meet our top assets at a cookout?

The scientist looked shocked. “We’re going to a cookout? Aren’t you afraid I will escape?”

Bob chuckled as they pulled onto Brady’s road. “Not really.” They arrived at the Bradys. “Here, let’s get those cuffs off so you can roam around.”

The man reluctantly got out of the car. “You are not going to shoot me?” Bob showed him he didn’t have a gun.

The leader, Amir, looked stunned. He whispered to himself, “This must be a hell of a cookout.”

Bob led him to the back of the house. His eyes bulged out when he saw Larry. He said something to himself in Arabic.

Victoria laughed. “Yeah, Larry is a pretty big dog all right.”

He looked at Bob, who explained, “Oh, Victoria speaks eight languages.”

A white owl flew down to Victoria’s shoulder. “This is Snowflake.” The bird hooted once.

Victoria smiled deviously at him, “She made all your guns miss.” He got one hoot.

He laughed. “She is just an owl.” He got two hoots that sounded nasty.

Victoria laughed. “Ah, you must be a scientist. You need proof. So ask her something. One hoot is a yes and two hoots is a no. She likes science questions.”

He laughed. “You’re kidding, right?”

He got two hoots. The owl was definitely pissed.

Victoria chuckled. “Let’s skip the questions; you would think we signaled her.” Victoria took an empty roll basket and put it face down on the table. “Okay, I want you to think of something and look under the basket.”

He saw no one was near the table and he could see under it. Snowflake landed on a chair and looked at the basket. Victoria asked, “Are we all set, Snowflake?”

She hooted once.

Victoria laughed, “That was “Abracadabra” in owl lingo. Go get your prize.” He was shocked to find a pistol. He picked it up with two fingers and handed it to Barry. Barry showed him that it was loaded.

He looked at the owl and clapped slowly. The owl looked at him and hooted loudly. “That means “you’re damn right” in owl talk.” A blushing Victoria covered her mouth and giggled.

Bob laughed. “You have only seen the tip of the iceberg, Amir. Let’s get some food before the movies.”

Amir laughed. “I get to watch movies, too?” He watched the video of the clash with the vice president where nobody got killed. “How could you do that?”

Victoria laughed. “That’s nothing. Wait until the president’s assassin kills you in a couple minutes. Well, you and Senator Feltz.”

He laughed. “You are kidding, right?”

A man tapped him on the shoulder. “Hi, I’m Senator Feltz.” Amir stuttered. “Wait? You’re the one they are going to kill.” Feltz laughed. “Yes, shot dead.”

There were four ladies that Amir was introduced to. He was in a state of shock but mumbled a ‘nice to meet you’.

He looked at Feltz. “You don’t seem too worried about it.” Feltz laughed, “Well, I was the first time I got killed.” Victoria explained to Amir in Arabic, “We have to let the president think you and Senator Feltz are dead, otherwise he will keep hunting you down. You don’t want my aunts to think you’re afraid, do you? Snowflake will take care of everything.”

The owl hooted once.

Amir looked shocked. “Your owl understands Arabic?”

The owl hooted once. That seemed to calm him down. The senator took his arm and walked over by the cooker. “Trust the owl, Amir.”

The senator stepped casually in front of Amir. He realized too late what was about to happen. The bullet went through both men’s chests. They both fell dead on the spot. The sniper smiled and left the area quickly. He called in the successful kill.

Amir felt his chest and quickly sat up, panting. The ladies all kept tickling him until he was back to normal.

Victoria laughed. “They had to distract you so you wouldn’t die of fright.”

He thought a second. “Wait. That means all those videos really occurred.”

Marissa laughed. “I’m afraid so.”

Bob smiled. “We are letting you go. You are a scientist, not a killer. They won’t be looking for you anymore. You can fly out of Logan. Try and make a difference in the world. Larissa will take you to the airport. It is safe now that they think you are dead.”

Amir looked around. “Where is your car?”

Larissa laughed. “Please. The roads are all jammed with cars.” She reached out for his hand and pulled him sharply around the corner of the house. He realized he was at Logan Airport.

Marissa laughed. “Nobody will believe any of his stories now.” The sniper was paid his money and tried to relax on his flight to France on a private jet. He put his blindfold on to take a long nap.

The president was in his limo as the driver turned onto Pennsylvania Avenue. A few seconds later, the assassin’s body smashed through the windshield of his car. The police were on it in a New York minute. The driver gave them the story and the police checked the dead man’s pockets. He had a check for fifty thousand dollars from the president’s reelection fund. They found he had been on a flight to France.

The president saw Dan Edwards on the sidewalk doing a live feed. He was seething. “How did that little asshole get here so fast? Arrest the little prick for treason.” The Secret Service grabbed him roughly on live TV. The president yelled at him. “How did you get here so fast, asshole?”

Dan grimaced in pain. “I saw him falling on Doppler radar on my station’s weather report, asshole.” His cameraman was still transmitting the live feed.

The agent spoke in monotone. “Sir, you’re under arrest for an assassination attempt.”

Dan laughed. “Who do you think you are—Football Commissioner Goodell? I’m under arrest for what exactly? Throwing your man off the plane he was on that was heading to France?”

The man smiled. “You’re under arrest for not warning the president about an assassination attempt. We can do anything we want now, thanks to 9/11. The Patriot Act would never have passed before it. It is funny our own Saudi allies did it.”

Dan chuckled. “The president must feel safe with sharp guys like you on his payroll.”

The agent whispered, “Laugh all you want; you’re a dead man.” Dan sat in a sealed room, sweating bullets.

Larissa appeared out of nowhere. “They are about to kill you. I am your replacement. Clarissa is here to bring you to safety.” The Secret Service agent entered the room a moment later.

He smiled. “It is time for you to try to assassinate the president.”

Dan smiled. “Do I get real bullets? Seven men have died trying to kill me and eight is my lucky number. That does not bother you?”

The man said, “Shut the hell up or I’ll kill you right now.”

Dan laughed. “Go ahead, tough guy, and by the way, here are your cuffs. He walked out the door and the agent shot him in the back three times.

The real Edwards got to the studio and tossed “his” escape recording to his editor. “Paste it in the live feed on the eleven o’clock news.”

The happy editor watched the news with glee. “That will finish the little SOB.”

The president watched the news. “Well, we have no choice now. I’ll kill that prick Edwards myself. Set up an emergency address to the nation for tomorrow. Have all our friends there, fully armed, and put my pal Edwards in the front row.”

The real Edwards would be attending the emergency press conference the next day. Bob had told him, “They will be up to no good, so watch your butt.”

Marissa and her friends would have something up their sleeves for the next day. Dan was alarmed when a smiling aide put him in the middle of the front row. He was more alarmed when nobody was permitted to have live feeds.

The crowd got quiet as the president and the VP took the stage together, an obvious break in protocol. The president gave Dan a sinister smile. “You can all thank this little prick Dan Edwards for what is about to happen to you. No more elections, no more free speech and no more press.” He and the VP pulled out automatic weapons as did all the Secret Service agents that surrounded the seated press.

A blue beam from above surrounded the press. The president and his friends opened fire. The Army Rangers saved from Yellowstone picked off all the Secret Service agents. The last two shots were from the general and they killed the president and his VP.

He nodded and tossed the sniper rifle he had borrowed back to the captain. There was dead silence. The reporters looked up at the saucer that was producing the blue beam. It shut off. The saucer wavered in the air to them and slowly trundled away to attend a cookout.