The Chrononauts

They didn’t have long to wait. There was a loud explosion at two in the morning. The military was there in a suspiciously short time. They forced the scientists, FBI, and the Bradys into trucks and evacuated them from the area.

The released story was that the presidential plane, Air Force One, was shot down by a UFO. They moved people out of the Yellowstone area because they were afraid of alien biological contamination. Barry said the FBI heard nothing about it and he would be calling the director.

The military basically said, “It will do you no good.” The White House released a statement that the president’s plane was shot down by the UFO over Yellowstone and he was killed.

Vantrix wasted no time in getting sworn in as president and declared martial law. The FBI director threatened to go to the press unless his men were released. The press didn’t believe any of it and tried to get in to see the downed UFO.

The military refused to let them near it. The Bradys were at home with the ladies and the two FBI agents. Marissa laughed. “We didn’t see that one coming.”

Bob sighed. “I’m afraid we are going to be on the president’s to-do list. He will have the CIA watching us closely. There is no way the FBI can get anywhere near that crash site. If we try to re-task a satellite they will be on our doorstep before we finish our coffee.”

Marissa smiled at him. “We can get in no problem but it might get a little messy. She gave Bob a devious smile that made him swallow hard.

Matt laughed. “That will be a good distraction to let us get the senator and Wendy out of Dodge.”

Marissa got right to work. She first got in and out as Dan Edwards. The president was sitting with a drink watching the evening news. His nemesis Dan Edwards came on. Dan Edwards was at home when he saw his face come on for a special report.

He didn’t remember doing one recently and turned up the volume. “...Edwards at the secret crash site of the supposed UFO. As you can see, it is all made of wood. He pulled sections apart and exposed wood sections. So Mr. President, what really happened to the real president?”

A scared Dan Edwards started packing a bag. The president sent men to pay him a little visit. He ranted, “What the hell happened to the real UFO we got from Area 51?”

While the president was distracted, Wendy and Feltz caught a ride to Canada, thanks to Bob and the FBI. They got a flight out to Auckland, New Zealand. From there some of Matt’s MIT friends got them on the last flight to the South Pole until spring.

Vantrix couldn’t find Dan Edwards or Wendy and Feltz. He had people at all the airports looking for them. Bob was laughing at the phone traffic from the president. “We ought to leak they are in Quebec. He would probably nuke them. The only trouble with that is the world would probably nominate him for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

Marissa said, “I think we should resurrect the old miners to distract the new president. They might make a bit of a mess I’m afraid.”

Barry laughed. “You’re scaring me and I’m on your side.” Matt updated them on Wendy and Feltz. “They made it to Antarctica and they are in the Australian sector so the president can’t push them around. All flights in and out have ended until spring.”

Brady looked around, “I haven’t seen Snowflake around for a while.”

Victoria laughed. “I’m afraid she went to congratulate the new president in her own little way.”

The next day, the ladies were back in Yellowstone near the UFO site. Three of them were there to cause havoc. The other lady would go to the saucer site. They knew the president had put another real UFO at the crash site.

He planned on calling in the press to show them the “genuine” crashed saucer. They drew straws to see who would have to go. A pouting Larissa lost. The other three cheerfully started their assault.

The ladies yelled at the newly installed gate guard from some rocks. “Hey, we told you carpetbaggers before to get off our land. Get out now or die.” Marissa planted a musket ball in his arm.

He called the officer of the day. “Sir, I have been shot by some old geezers who are demanding that we get off their land.” Another bullet zipped by his head.

The officer said, “You have permission to shoot their asses. We are on the way. Tell them we have fifty men on the way down there.” The guard told the old men help was coming.

The old man cackled, “I heard him, sonny. Tell him he will need a lot more men than that.” Ten minutes later, fifty men lay dead.

The OD received a call. “All your Yankee men are dead. We are coming inside to kill all of you.”

The officer of the day pulled reinforcements from the men guarding the saucer area. Marissa and her men killed all hundred in the second wave. The miners called a last time, “We are going for lunch. If you and your men are still here when we get back, you are all dead.”

The officer called Vantrix directly. “Those old miners are back and they killed 150 of our men.”

Larissa was surprised to see a real UFO. It was obviously staged for the press. It is probably one of the saucers from the Papoose Lake area in Nevada. She chuckled. “I think I will have to go back to our world and tell my friends how they are being exploited by these turkeys.”

The president reinstalled martial law and made his pal Wiltrex the new VP. The new day brought him many problems. There was the all-out war in Yellowstone. There was the press demanding proof that the aliens killed the president. He still had not found Wendy White or Senator Feltz. Dan Edwards had resurfaced and was stirring up public opinion, and lastly, his sexy secretary quit due to the crappy sex.

He sighed. “Set up an interview with that prick Dan Edwards and put out a picture of the dead president to keep the press happy. Oh, and get me a new secretary. Did we get our nukes out of the mine?”

The aide shook his head. “No, the staged explosion we set off to fake the saucer crash caused a major cave in. I am told it will take a week to get them out.”

The president grumbled. “Well work twenty-four hours a day then. And offer a reward for them getting it done in a week. Oh, and release a statement that Feltz and Wendy White were involved with the aliens in the president’s assassination.”

Late in the day, Dan Edwards sat in the White House cooling his heels nervously and waited for his interview of the new president. He had his video guy always keep his camera running. Loud voices could be heard in the Oval Office. Dan glanced at his camera man and he nodded.

An aide scurried into the office. “Sir, we have your new secretary in the next room.”

The president smiled, “Fine, I’ll interview ‘the candidate’ in the Blue Room.” He walked in and was shocked to see a gay thirty-year-old man wave at him. He grunted and walked quickly out of the room near Dan Edwards’ doorway.

He screamed at the aide, “Are you kidding me? It’s the wrong sex and ten years too old.”

The aide stuttered. “But Mr. President, your assistant told me what you liked.”

He yelled, “Remove that...that thing and get me a new secretary.” A knockout twenty-year-old woman ran out the door right by Dan and his shocked cameraman.

Dan whispered to him, “Tell me you got all that.” He smiled and patted the camera.

The president was pleased. Dan Edwards asked him harmless questions. In fact, Dan acted like he couldn’t wait to leave. The president smiled to himself. “At least that went well.” Snowflake sat outside in a tree and hooted loudly.

Another aide came in. “Sir, we found Wendy White and Senator Feltz were driven to Canada and flew out of Montreal to New Zealand with the help of the FBI.” We have people there looking for them.”

The president sighed. “I should have nuked Quebec. Find out if they have any relatives down there.” The next morning, the president had a scheduled meeting with the press.

His aide spoke. “There seems to be a lot of buzz in the press room, sir.”

Vantrix smiled and said, “A lot has happened. I have to go out there and reassure the little sheep that my presidency will look after them. These morons will believe anything I tell them. It is too easy. Well, let’s get it over with.”

The first question was about the dead president’s body. “Sir, you say the president was killed by aliens but won’t release the body for an independent autopsy. Why is that, sir?”

Vantrix looked at him with a cold stare. “Don’t you mean ‘Mr. President’?”

The reporter stood his ground. “With all due respect, sir, you have not followed the legal process to become president. To the outside world, with the real president supposedly murdered by a supposed alien that our government says don’t exist...well...”

Vantrix looked angry. “We are at war and certain steps have to be taken.”

The reporter laughed loudly. “Well, Mr. President, could you at least tell us who we are at war with?”

He yelled, “We are at war with aliens, obviously, you moron!”

A reporter laughed at him. “Yes, we can see all the people running for their lives.”

Vantrix sighed. “Okay, does anyone have a question not about aliens?”

A reporter stood up. “I do, sir. We heard you had to get a new sexy secretary.”

The president looked surprised. “Why is that of interest to you?”

The reporter continued, “Well, we hear a lot about your fascination with underage boys and wonder if your new secretary is of legal age?”

The whole press core laughed loudly. Vantrix yelled, “Interview over.” He stomped out. “What the hell was that all about?” The president watched the news while he had lunch. Dan Edwards came on. Vantrix smiled. “Well, at least you don’t hate me.”

The piece started with Dan sitting in a room waiting to talk to him. His aide could be heard telling him his new secretary was in the next room. The president could be heard screaming, “Wrong sex and ten years too old!”

A beautiful young woman, about twenty with a figure to kill for, came running by a surprised Dan Edwards and his camera man. Dan could be heard saying, “Tell me you got that?”

Vantrix asked, “Who was that woman?”

“That was the secretary I brought you sir.”

Vantrix looked pissed. “Bullshit! I went in that room and there was a thirty-year-old gay man. That explains the weird question about my secretary. There is something strange going on here.”

The president found Wendy and Feltz had a twelve-hour layover in New Zealand and flew into the South Pole on the last flight of the year.

The world was very uneasy about the new president. Wiltrex’s acceptance speech didn’t help. “First, I want you all to know that just because I am now vice president does not mean I am a complete idiot. After all, the president used to be vice president himself.

The president has been under a lot of pressure this week. It is perfectly reasonable that he might forget in which room he was going to have sex with his new thirteen-year-old secretary. It could happen to anyone, even if they weren’t psychotic or perverted.”

The president looked at the ceiling and shook his head. “Well, at least nobody will shoot me with good old Wiltrex standing on the doorstep of the presidency. Keep the idiot away from the press and sharp objects...well, away from the press anyway.”

In Yellowstone, the old farts were still shooting the military to pieces. There were also a lot more UFO sightings. The government put out false reports of killings by them.”

The president flew in the press to see the new saucer he had put there. They examined the UFO and found it was not real and made out of wood. They were shocked to see a real saucer suddenly appear above them. The six-man military escort opened fire on it.

The reporters were terrified. A blue beam of light hit the troops shooting at the saucer and suddenly they had no weapons and were all standing naked. The press went from sheer terror to uncontrollable laughter.

Dan looked at his camera man. “We got that, right?” The laughing camera man nodded. “I can’t wait to hear the president tell us about the bloodthirsty aliens after he sees this.”

Meanwhile, back near the mine, the military was shooting at the old miners. They saw the saucer appear overhead and started shooting at it. Clarissa laughed. “Boy, they shouldn’t have done that.” A strange pink beam hit all the soldiers.

The firing continued for another thirty seconds and stopped abruptly. The saucer wobbled a goodbye to the ladies and ambled off. The military was irate and screaming at each other.

The president got a surprise call from the general at Yellowstone. The president spoke to him. “You got a cold, General? You sound nasally. A real flying saucer hit you and your men with a pink beam and turned you into what? I’ll talk to my advisors and get back to you. Hang in there, General. Oops, that was probably a bad choice of words.”

He hung up. “The general says they got hit by a pink beam from a saucer and it turned them into women.”

An aide came in. “Sir, we found Wendy White and Senator Feltz. They were flown to the South Pole on the last flight until spring. Our man said winter conditions made it almost impossible to land a plane in the hundred mile an hour winds.”

The president thought a minute. “Schedule a humanitarian aid emergency flight and say it is to remove an injured American citizen that will die if they are not extracted.” The aide looked confused. The president sighed. “It is just an excuse to get us in there to kill Wendy White and Senator Feltz, you moron.”

He thought about the general. “Have him move all his men to that deserted hangar right above Yellowstone and tell him we are sending help.” The aide looked at him curiously. The president gave him a sinister smile. “And make sure the message is scrambled.”

He also had not forgotten about his pal, Dan Edwards. Dan was a happy man. He was getting national exposure. He sat on his patio with a Bloody Mary, watching himself. He didn’t know two men were in his apartment and about to throw him off the fifty-second floor. He saw the two men too late. They grabbed him before he could get away.

One laughed, “You, my friend, pissed off the President of the United States. He wants you dead. We are here to make him happy.” A saucer was floating high above his patio. They threw a terrified Dan Edwards off the fifty-second floor. He fell, screaming, and waited for the impact.

A yellow beam appeared to lock on the two terrorists. It slowly pulled the men towards the patio. They tried to pull away but the beam was too strong. It pulled them over the side and they fell.

Dan suddenly stopped falling five feet above the ground and landed softly on the sidewalk. He looked down at his wet crotch. He looked up in time to see the two men splatter on the hood of the president’s backup limo.

The alien in the saucer laughed loudly to himself. The saucer wobbled a goodbye to Dan. He didn’t know what to do. He gave it Spock’s Vulcan “Live Long and Prosper” salute. He swore he heard someone inside the saucer laughing. It instantly disappeared. He quickly returned to his apartment and looked down over the rail. He saw traffic was stopped on the road fifty-two floors below and he could see police pointing up at him.

He soon got a knock on the door from the police. He made up a story. “Yes, two guys broke into my apartment. I was standing outside looking at the moon. I heard them charging me and ducked. I am afraid they went over the side.”

Meanwhile, the general was in the secure area north of Yellowstone. A government chopper landed and six men in quarantine garb walked up and took out automatic weapons. The leader spoke to the soldiers in the hangar, “The president sent us to tie up loose ends.”

The six men all screamed, “God is great.”

A black beam from above hit them and they fell down dead. The general looked up and saw a saucer coming down in front of him. His soldiers couldn’t move. A slightly built greenish being got out of the saucer. “Relax guys. I am here to fix you.” He hit them with a blue beam and they were men again.

There was noise behind the alien as a chopper made a mad dash to escape. He chuckled and tossed a weapon to the general. “Here try this, General.”

He shot at the chopper and it exploded instantly. “Whoa.” He reluctantly walked over and handed the weapon back.

The alien smiled, “I think you guys need a new leader.” The general laughed. “We agree. We will take care of our dear president.” The saucer rose and wobbled at them. It was gone in a flash.

The emergency flight to the South Pole was on its way from New Zealand. It was about a three-hour flight. They had an MIT geophysicist going with them. He was an FBI plant. His name was Wyman. The plane approached land but lurched badly. It was clear with the “Condition One” turbulence that they couldn’t land.

The leader sighed and pulled a gun on Wyman. “Sorry Doctor, we can’t have a FBI spy witness us killing two people.”

Wyman chuckled, “Well, you will have to make it look good. People know I am on this plane. How about this: I’ll jump out with a torn chute. I will have no chance and I will be dragged into the ocean.”

The leader laughed. “Are you insane?”

Wyman smiled. “Well, I probably have a one in a million chance that way, which is better than none. If you shoot me, I have a zero chance and, of course, you will have some serious explaining to do.”

The leader chuckled and looked at his friends, who shrugged in approval. They tossed him a chute. Wyman said, “Toss me a knife.” The leader did but kept his gun on Wyman. He shredded sections of chute. He smiled and tossed the knife back to the leader.

They had to turn the plane so they could get the door open to let Wyman jump. He smiled and waved and was gone. The leader checked the wind and chuckled. “One hundred and forty knot breeze and the air temperature is a balmy minus-forty centigrade. You got to give it to the guy, what a way to bow out.”

The A-130 turned back toward New Zealand. They would try again the next day. Wyman’s chute caught on something as he was dragged along the ice. He pulled his way up the chute and saw a camera facing a large population of Emperor penguins. He tapped his phone and chuckled. He tied it onto the camera’s lens and rolled himself up in the chute to try to keep from freezing.

The plane landed and the leader contacted the president. He explained how Wyman had jumped. The president didn’t like the fact that he had smiled when he jumped. A few hours later, the president asked about the general and his men’s status in Yellowstone.

His aide said, “We haven’t heard a thing, sir.”

Vantrix nodded. “Check on it. I don’t want any surprises. What happened with Dan Edwards?”

The aide shrugged. “We don’t know, sir. The two men we sent fell to their deaths from the balcony, but there is nothing about Edwards in the paper.”