The Chrononauts

“This is Dan Edwards. For you Twilight Zone junkies out there, we have a report from Yellowstone National Park of twenty-five dead bodies found near a famous old ghost mine called ‘The Devils Sandbox.’ In the 1880s, it was famous for its ninety-eight percent pure gold. The owners kept disappearing and locals say it is still haunted by several Civil War Confederate soldiers.”

Senator Feltz watched the broadcast. “Aren’t you afraid the ladies will get hurt?”

Barry laughed loudly. “If you only knew about them, Senator, you would laugh.”

Marissa continued her report. “We removed the balls of death from the bombs Frosty found behind a mine offshoot. They are going to come back with more men to try to kill us. Goody.”

Feltz looked surprised. “They know how to disarm nukes?”

Victoria snorted. “Sure. Doesn’t everyone?”

Snowflake the owl was on the East Coast, preparing to screw with the vice president. Dan Edwards had gotten an anonymous tip to attend a dedication and bring a camera crew. Dan sat in a seat and yawned. He thought to himself. “Well this is going to suck.”

Vantrix was giving a speech at a prestigious East Coast women’s college. He walked to the podium to a smattering of applause. He put on his glasses and took out his speech.

He cleared his throat, “There is no reason at all why young ladies, like you, cannot succeed in business if you don’t mind a little sack time with the head of your company.”

Dan shot up in his seat and looked quickly at his grinning camera man, who was giving him a thumb up. The VP droned, “Just look over there at your president. Let’s face it: she is no rocket scientist, but with some enthusiastic sack time and who knows what else, she has become a respected president. In my humble opinion, she is the best lay I ever had.”

The speech writer almost had a heart attack. There was dead silence and then lusty booing. The vice president put up his hand. “Okay you win...but she is definitely in the top twenty.”

One of the security men grabbed his arm. “Get your hands off me, you pervert. The only protection I need is one of these,” he said as he held out a strip of eleven Trojans. He smiled. “Notice one is missing.”

He waved at the humiliated woman president, who was banging her head on the table. His aides dragged him away and his pants fell to his knees. He had on a red, white, and blue thong.

The president was not happy. He spoke to himself as he watched Dan Edward’s video. “Are you insane or just the stupid moron I always thought you were?” He had the Secret Service lock him up in a high security loony bin, since Alcatraz was now unfortunately closed.

Meanwhile, in Yellowstone, the second assault was now underway. Fifty men were hiking towards the mine but were stopped by a park ranger. He put up his hand and said, “This section of the park is closed, gentlemen. We have a radiation leak from an abandoned old gold mine.”

The leader chuckled. “So there is no way we can get you to let us pass?”

The ranger had a devious smile. “I can guarantee that if you go past this point, you will all be dead in an hour.” The leader laughed and raised his weapon. He cut down the ranger with an automatic weapon.

His men laughed loudly and they all headed towards the mine. Behind them, Clarissa sat up and licked the blood off her hand. She laughed. “Boy, these guys are naughty.”

The leader got to within two hundred yards. “Okay, let’s kill these clowns and get our ordnance.” There was a loud bang and the leader grabbed his bleeding ear.

Marissa chuckled to herself and yelled to his men, “This is our legal claim. That was a warning shot. Leave now or die.”

The leader growled. “Which one of you idiots put our ordnance in the mine?”

A man spoke. “I did, sir. It has been deserted for forty years, according to the park rangers.”

The leader smiled, “Okay hot shot, you take point.” The relieved man chuckled and took two steps. He was dead in five seconds. A man with a beard stood up cackling and got shot in the chest.

The leader chuckled until he stood back up and continued shooting with his clothes covered in blood. A shot from behind hit him in the other ear. He looked back and saw the park ranger shooting and moving up. He hissed, “I thought I killed that asshole.”

The president reluctantly let the vice president appear at a prearranged ribbon-cutting ceremony at the police station on Main Street. His drunk driver drove up the ass of the commissioner’s BMW, crushing the rear end. The driver for the VP fell out of the limo, unconscious.

A policeman opened the rear door and pot smoke was everywhere. The VP tumbled on the ground with four under aged cheerleaders. All he was wearing was his thong. Two of the laughing cheerleaders had no tops on. The commissioner threw them all in jail. The president wondered if a firing squad by executive order was legal.

Back at the mine, the leader ducked behind a rock. He snarled, “Well, those old farts don’t seem to think the mine is haunted. The old guys kept inching closer and closer to their assailants. The terrorist leader called in their chopper.

He screamed, “Enough of this shit. Take them out!”

The pilot flew straight at the front miner with guns blazing. The miner stood his ground with his musket trained on the pilot. The pilot’s head blew up. A man was screaming, “The pilot is shot in the head. We’re going down.”

There was a loud explosion and black smoke. The leader started running for his life. His men followed him. They were all killed by the smiling park ranger.

The next morning, the Bradys arrived at Yellowstone and set up their campsite. It was next to the MIT and Princeton scientists.

The vice president was irate. “What do you mean our ordnance is still in the mine? Seventy-five mercenaries couldn’t pry three or four old men out of there?”

He sighed, “Maybe I should hire them. Damn it, now we’ve got to get all the nosy scientists and the detectives out of there, too. Our friends say the event must be completed before Veteran’s Day.”

He shrugged, “Brainstorm a way to get them out, and while you’re at it, develop a scenario to kill the FBI’s new pal Senator Feltz, his buddies, the Bradys, and the rest of those assholes. Wiltrex, Feltz is your problem. I will get rid of all the others myself.”

His second-in-command said, “I read the MIT scientists found three bodies outside the mine. It is probably the old men. Did you know they were Boxer Rebellion veterans?”

The VP chuckled sarcastically, “That’s fascinating.”

Clarissa took Larry to trace the recently dead mercenaries back to their camp into Idaho. It was very impressive in size. She noticed a definite influx of new men. She took some pictures for the FBI, who was getting excited about the possible terrorist plot. They heard radio crosstalk that Wiltrex had hired two former military snipers to take out Feltz. The two men went out on recon for a couple days to examine Feltz’s routine. They also charted paths, location, and the general size of the Brady camp.

The ladies told Matt and Brady that they were being watched. They also said they were going to screw with the two men a little. The two snipers were six-foot-five and 220 pounds. They returned to their camp after two days with severe poison ivy. It was on their crotches, mouths, and butts. One man had half a pack of Trojans in his backpack. The other man had a gay porn magazine in his.

They swore they didn’t know where the condoms and magazine came from and were the laughingstock of the camp. The angry men gave their report to the camp leader. “There are thirty scientists who are no threat. There are twelve people in the Brady camp and they know their weapons.”

The leader read his notes, “There is a little girl, the senator, and a dog that appear harmless enough. The senator and the little girl like to go fishing every afternoon at a small lake two clicks to the north of their camp. We will take him and the girl out tomorrow. Then you can spring your little surprise on the Brady camp.”

The two snipers got to their blind they had made at about 3:30. Victoria told Feltz in a matter-of-fact manner that two snipers were going to try to kill them. He turned white and a laughing Matt had to hold him up.

Victoria looked at him and chuckled. “Oh don’t be such a baby. You’re a politician; people must try to kill you all the time.”

Feltz stuttered, “Yes, but I usually don’t find out about it ahead of time.”

Victoria chuckled. “Don’t worry. The ladies get killed all the time and they are still here, right? We leave in five minutes…in case you want to write a will.”

Feltz looked at her. “That’s not that funny.” Snowflake landed on his shoulder.

Victoria smiled. “She says, ‘Don’t worry, you will probably survive.’ That is owl humor, Senator...you’re supposed to laugh.” They finally hiked to the spot they always fished. Feltz was antsy.

Victoria put her hand in front of her mouth. “Relax, Senator Put your feet in the water.”

He put a newspaper in front of his face. “That is easy for you to say. They aren’t going to kill you.”

She laughed. “Of course, they are going to kill me.” She looked up and saw Frosty the falcon circling. “Okay, try to make an effort not to notice we are being shot at.” He finally sighed and something inside him relaxed.

He dangled his feet in the cool water and picked up his fishing rod. He saw the two birds in a tree beside them and relaxed even more. There was a bullet ping about a foot to his left. He immediately held his palm out, feeling for rain and looking up. Victoria chuckled. “Good improv, Senator.”

The second sniper laughed at his friend. “I told you no espresso at lunch. Watch a real expert.” He fired and the branch Frosty the falcon was perched on disintegrated. The falcon squawked and looked accusingly at Snowflake.

The men continued to miss. They got down to two shots. “The little girl is closer; I will shoot her,” one sniper, named Luis, said to the other. “The senator is a coward. He will stand up and run. Then you take him out.”

Luis shot the little girl and hit her arm. She squealed slightly. The senator stood up and covered her with his body. The second man aimed at the senator’s heart. “Good for you, senator.” He pulled the trigger.

The snipers heard a noise and saw the two huge grizzly bears but it was too late. The senator opened his eyes and immediately felt for the bullet hole.

Victoria laughed. “Bravo, Senator. You gave your life for little old me.”

He looked totally embarrassed. He sputtered, “Actually, I tried to run and hide but tripped on my fishing rod. I assure you, I am a lily-livered coward.”

Victoria chuckled. “Possibly, the two snipers were killed by bears.”

The senator asked, “Why didn’t you kill the men before they shot us?”

Marissa said, “Fate sometimes has to let things play out. If you face what you must, it is over. If you don’t face your destiny, fate will keep injecting the event in your life until you get it right.”

Matt smiled and looked at the distant trees. “I wonder what the bad guys have planned to get us off this site.”

Bob said, “The VP has a lot of friends in the military. He could use them to move us.”