The Chrononauts

Matt was looking at his computer screen. “We cut off their money but their activity rate has not changed. Where are they getting their money?”

Victoria was looking over his shoulder. “Well, somebody must be paying them for doing something illegal.” Matt laughed at her. Victoria giggled. “Oh, come on. They are politicians; how honest could they be?”

Matt noticed something else. “These four politicians sure send a lot of family pictures to each other, yet they don’t meet socially. That is strange.”

Victoria noticed something too. “The pictures are exceptionally dense. Why don’t they use JPEG files? They are a lot smaller.” Bob was listening to them.

Victoria chuckled. “You guys at the FBI are familiar with steganography, correct?”

Bob looked shocked and glanced at Barry who smiled and shrugged. “Ah...well...I guess we hear of it occasionally.”

Victoria gave them a derisive laugh. “Well, maybe these guys communicate with each other with hidden messages using Hex LSBs.” Barry and Bob looked at each other and chuckled.

Narissa informed the group that Frosty the falcon said they were going to have some particularly nasty visitors.

She said, “They are former military so they will stick their toe in the water before they jump in, but they will jump in. They will do surveillance first.”

Marissa smiled. “Bon appetit.” That afternoon, four heavily armed men turned onto Hanging Hill Road. They were surprised to see people in the cars that passed were pointing at them and laughing.

The leader mumbled, “None of you clowns are waving guns around, right?” They drove down to the house without incident. A little girl and two birds were on the porch of the large red house. She was typing on a laptop as they got out of their car and walked up. The leader spoke. “Excuse me, little girl we are lost; could you tell us where we are?”

She looked up and laughed. “Good one. Just tell me what you boys really want.”

The men looked at each other and chuckled. “Fine, we are here to see Wendy White and Detective Brady.

She laughed. “Now that didn’t hurt, did it?”

One of the men pointed a pistol at her. “Listen, you little bitch, we want Wendy White and that hot shot Brady and we want them now.” Victoria slowly looked up at them with raised eye brows.

She chuckled. “You should really work on your people skills. I can’t help you. There is no one here but little old me. That gun is probably not even loaded.” It went off, shooting his friend in the foot. She smiled. “Well, my, my, my—I guess it was.”

The leader yelled, “You think that was funny? Laugh at this. ”He pointed his gun and shot at both birds. The gun just clicked.

The birds looked at each other and didn’t even move. They slowly turned their gaze at the two men.

She smiled, “Wow, now you have done it. Now it is their turn.”

All four men found themselves back on the main road naked except for some cool pink thongs. They were holding signs offering free gay sex. The Channel Four news team was on site filming them as they brawled with four huge bikers, who were taking them up on their generous offer.

The police arrived and arrested them all. They called Hartek, who was sitting out working on a tan, “I thought you guys were pros. A freaking little girl with two ‘hit birds’ scared four heavily armed former Rangers?”

The pissed-off leader replied angrily, “Listen Hartek, you get us out of here or when we do get out we will make you a new asshole. We are in jail wearing pink thongs with four giant horny bikers who keep calling us sweetheart. Oh, did I mention to you there is a God-damn rubber machine in the cell with us?”

The senator had his lawyer get them out on bail. Some more bad guys picked them up outside. They were given clothes and more weapons. A man laughed, “So, you’re sticking with ‘the big bad birds and a nine-year-old little girl scared the four big bad Rangers with body armor and automatic weapons’ story?” Another man chimed in, “So, where did you get the cool pink thongs? Kmart having a sale? Did the signs come with them or did you guys buy them separately?”

The leader from jail gave him a nasty stare. “You realize the weapons you just gave us have bullets in them, correct? We will see what you think when we go back there.”

The leader of the group muttered, “Screw Feltz. Hartek said kill everybody, including the birds, if there really are any. Hartek said if you gay boys screw up again to take you out, too.”

The Bradys and ladies were getting ready to greet their guests with a new look. Eight men in a black all-terrain vehicle turned onto Hanging Hill Road and were surprised to get bumped from behind. The driver looked in the mirror. “We seem to be in a line of cars, major.” In front of them in the middle of the road was Larissa with her flowing blonde hair, wearing a Nazi Gestapo uniform with leather boots directing the traffic.

She was giving the Nazi salute with one hand and an automatic weapon in the other sat against her hip. She had a Lugar in her belt. All the cars returned her salute. She gave their car the salute. They hesitated and the weapon on her hip started to lower. The men looked at each other and enthusiastically returned it.

The leader from jail laughed. “So...you think everything is normal so far?” They were boxed in and had to continue down the road. The farther down the road they went, the more impressive the armament and they could hear a band.

They got to the house and had to get out of the car. They were pushed into a line and around the corner of the house, They heard Hitler speaking with Himmler at his side. The leader asked, “This Brady character is really a detective?” The other leader chuckled and nodded.

The men looked at each other. Each person in line showed their Nazi tattoo to Hitler. The crowd cheered and Hitler would salute them. They would join a huge mob on the other side of a huge bonfire.

One person ahead of them had no tattoo. Himmler shot him in the head and he was tossed on the fire to loud cheers. The shocked leader whispered, “Time to go ladies.” They jumped out of line and dodged gunfire. They barely made it to their car. They forced several cars off the road and absorbed a lot of hits to their vehicle. Larissa pelted their car with automatic weapon fire. They ran her down on the way out. The driver was shocked to see her in his rear view mirror get up and fire her Lugar at them as they got to the main road.

A mile down the highway, they were pulled over by a state cop. It was the same one from the other day. “Well, well, hurrying to the half-price thong sale at Kmart? License and registration; you were doing fifty-seven in a fifty-five zone and switching lanes without using your blinker.”

The leader yelled at him, “You idiot, look at all the bullet holes!”

A second cop looked in the back seat. “Guns in

the back, sergeant, and they are still smoking.”

He pulled his gun and called for backup. “What’s in the bag?”

The leader looked surprised. “What bag?” He glanced in the back window which was partially blocked by a bag. “How the hell should I know?”

“Well, it is your rental.”

“It isn’t our damn bag.”

“Sergeant, the bag is full of money. There must be a million dollars in it.”

“It is not ours. It must belong to those Nazis on Hanging Hill Road.” The cops all started laughing.

The sergeant smirked, “The what? That is the lamest excuse I have ever heard.”

The leader sputtered, “It must belong to that neo-Nazi prick Brady. Oh I get it, you won’t check because he is a cop.”

The sergeant chuckled. “We will go check and then you’re off to visit your horny biker friends.”

They were driven down the road and got out at the house. The jittery men moved slowly and looked around. The leader

spoke. “Well, in back, there is a bonfire and dead people.” He spotted Larissa. “Hey, it’s her! She was wearing a Nazi uniform and carrying an automatic weapon and we...ah drove over her...”

The police took them away. Matt laughed, “When the leader saw Larissa, I thought he was going to faint. The rubber machine in the cell was a great idea.”

They were booked and arrested. The money was from the Englewood National Bank and had been reported as destroyed. The men called Wiltrex to get bailed out.

He called his lawyer again. “Get those idiots away from the damn cops.”

They were bailed out and brought to Hartek. He sighed. “Okay let’s hear it.”

The leader started talking. “We went early to check the place out. It was very peaceful there. A little girl was reading a MIT cosmology book on the porch with her two bird friends. We asked the young lady about Wendy White and she got very sarcastic with us. Harry called her a little bitch and if she didn’t help us we would shoot her birds.”

He continued, “He took out his gun and she gave him a really sinister smile. He shot at them both at point blank range, but the guns didn’t discharge. The birds didn’t even flinch. The birds looked at Harry with what was, I swear, a pissed look. The girl said, ‘I am afraid that it is now their turn.’ The next thing we know, we are on the main road in just pink thongs and gay liberation signs.”

Harry took over the story. “The cops arrested us. Some big, fat, female bull dyke gave us each a half-hour cavity search. We were then tossed in a cell that had a rubber machine on the wall. They dragged in four giant gay bikers who got twenty dollars in change for the rubber machine. Then ah...we eventually got bailed out.”

Hartek said, “Next time, don’t call us. We will find you.”

The leader laughed. “You get stuck in a cell with four giant horny bikers who just bought twenty dollars’ worth of rubbers from the machine and see what you do.”

Hartek chuckled. “We have a meeting with the vice president. Get a ride with Feltz; he is here with his limo.” The senators glanced into the tree outside his window and saw a white owl and a falcon staring intently at him. “That’s weird.”

They drove a mile and stopped at a light behind a dump truck. A red Ford truck plowed into the back of them. Johnny yelled, “What the hell was that?”

Two confused men got out of the truck. “Where did you come from? We were right behind the dump truck.”

Johnny said, “I was behind the truck.”

The red truck driver got mad. “Bullshit. We work together. I have been behind him for five miles.” The cops were two cars back. They said they saw the whole thing. They gave Johnny a driving to endanger ticket for trying to squeeze between the two trucks.

Ten minutes later, the limo continued limping down the road. After about a mile, they were hit from behind by a police car with a flashing light that was in a pursuit. A flabbergasted Johnny was given a ticket for interfering with a criminal pursuit. Johnny and Feltz argued to no avail.

Five minutes later, Johnny was relieved to find himself the front car at a red light. A Geek Squad car ran into their backend, pushing it into the intersection where it was creamed by another police car.

The limo was totaled and Johnny and Feltz were arrested and booked. The woman who was to do the cavity search smiled at them. A nervous Feltz asked a cop, “She will change gloves between searches, right?”

The desk sergeant laughed. “Gloves? Sorry boys, Millie is old school.”

The duo endured a very enjoyable cavity search. They sat

in jail. Feltz shook his head, “They should have given us cigarettes after that.” Johnny looked nervously at the rubber machine. A cop was refilling it.

Johnny couldn’t help himself. “So, how often do you ah, refill it?” The cop was drinking a Coke. He choked on it.

Feltz asked, “A couple times a year?”

The cop cackled, “Are you shitting me? It only holds a hundred, so usually twice a day.” He thought a moment. “That is unless we get in bikers. We raid their gay bar, The Golden Banana on Thursdays. They look forward to it. Then it really

ramps up around here.” There was a loud commotion and swearing.

The cop laughed. “Hey guys, it’s your lucky day; it’s Thursday.” A dozen cops dragged in six giant bikers.

The sergeant chuckled. “They were having sex with a dead priest. Well, technically, he was still alive when they started. You assholes will get no quarters from us.”

Hearing that made Johnny feel a little better until one of the men dropped two ten-dollar rolls on the bench. He noticed the two men in the corner. “Looky here, boys, and they are both alive.” Feltz said, “I’ll have you know I am a state senator.”

The biker smiled. “Really? How many of you want to have sex with a real live senator?” All the hands went up. Two men grabbed the senator as another undid his belt.

Feltz started to panic. “Ah...John?”

Johnny said, “Let him go...and he will pay your bail.”

The leader stopped in his tracks. “Really? All two million?” The senator yelled, “Two million?” The men jumped back in line behind the leader. Feltz relented, “Okay, sure, two million.”

The leader looked at the senator. “You better not change your mind, grandpa.”

Feltz sighed. “Look, I am not that stupid, brave, or horny.” That got a lot of laughs from the bikers.

Senator Hartek had to pay the bikers to keep Feltz in line. He didn’t tell Feltz that he was paying them an extra hundred thousand dollars each to take out all the people at the Bradys’ home. He knew a tree hugger like Feltz would try to stop him.

Vantrix got the money from his terrorist friends for some “burgers with cheese” also known as nuclear ordnance. Feltz would go ballistic if he knew. Down the road, Vantrix knew he would have to take him out.

Bob had started giving the detectives copies of all the e-mail traffic between the politicians.

Victoria talked to Bob and Matt. “I notice the traffic has picked up significantly and a lot of pictures are being exchanged. More importantly, they are GIFF. I analyzed some of them and they have similar LSB bit discrepancies.”

She smiled. “So they aren’t file transfer accidents. I managed to isolate a few words. They could be wrong. Does ‘eighty-five km by forty-five km’ ring a bell? There is also the mention of ’cheeseburger’ multiple times.”

Bob blushed and looked at Matt. “Um, we got nothing at the FBI.”

Matt chuckled. “We will look at the words for you. They are using STEG files for sure, Bob. I’ll have my MIT buddies try to find what the numbers are for you.”

Bob stared at Victoria. “You’re not just a pretty face, are you?” She giggled.

The bikers showed up at the Bradys’ house for some chow. The undercover officer spoke between bites. “Hartek paid us a hundred thousand dollars each to kill everybody at your house. I am pretty sure Feltz has no idea. He is also on their ‘to do’ list.” Marissa laughed. “Well, I guess you should earn your money. Maybe that will get them to quit this cloak-and-dagger crap.”

The biker leader, Sergeant Schultz, laughed. “You know, I think I am a little insulted that the senators decided to pay our bail.

I had showered and shaved for the occasion. The group set up the assassination of everyone at the Bradys for the bikers.

The next morning, Matt received an e-mail from his friend Triggva at MIT. He sounded edgy. “We assumed the ‘km’ was kilometers and restricted our search to the United States. Um, how sure are you of your source?”

Matt looked over at a smiling Victoria, who had her eye brows raised waiting for his answer. “Um, I am very sure.”

Victoria chuckled. “Tell him a Five Sigma sure.”

She gave Matt a high-five. “She thinks it is dimensions of a possible terrorist attack site.”

Triggva’s message was one word. “She?”

Matt typed. “Yes, she is a nine-year-old girl that starts at MIT in the fall.”

Triggva typed. “The Five Sigma works for me. I’ll have my friends start our computers and look for the foot for the glass slipper.

Over the next few days, the FBI tried to figure out how a nine-year-old girl could find out more than a bank of ten million dollar Cray computers.

Matt got an e-mail back from Triggva. “We might have found something but you’re not going to like it. There is an area in Wyoming that matches the numbers exactly.”

Victoria was reading over Matt’s shoulder. “They aren’t talking about the caldera in Yellowstone, are they?”

Matt typed, “The little girl, Victoria, wants to know if you’re talking about the caldera in Yellowstone.”

Triggva asked, “How old is she again? That is exactly what we are talking about. We worked up a doomsday scenario for you but the bomb tonnage needed to set off the super volcano would make it highly impractical.”

Matt thought about it, “How about if they had nuclear ordnance?”

Triggva typed, “Then all bets are off.”

Matt looked back at Victoria. “What if cheeseburger is a nuclear bomb?”

Triggva typed again, “I want to see her birth certificate.”