The Chrononauts

The next day, they got the envelope. Doctor Death was released and blown up in a rental car in Germany a week later. The list was impressive; it contained the names of four powerful politicians: Senator Feltz, Senator Wiltrex, Senator Hartek, and Vice President Vantrix.

Bob whistled to himself. “It sounds like a list of really expensive medications. These are very impressive men, several of whom are on important committees.”

Matt looked at his computer screen. “These guys will be tough to get. I wonder why they had Prescott killed?”

Barry chimed in. “The FBI’s resources are at your disposal and that comes straight from the director’s smiling lips. That is, of course, all unofficial, not that we think you will need any of our help.”

Marissa smiled. “You do know we plan on screwing with them...a bit.”

Bob laughed. “The director will be happy to hear that.”

Matt was handed a plate with potato salad and a burger drowned in peppers and onion by Victoria. Matt thanked her. “What would you do next honey?”

Victoria laughed. “The obvious, I am afraid.” She put her sneakers on a chair with her knees up in the air. “I would screw with them a little, or maybe a lot, to see who is sent all the e-mails.” Barry looked impressed.

Matt nodded. “Great minds think alike.” Victoria looked at him with suspicion. He laughed. “Okay, maybe one of us is not just a pretty face.”

Victoria gave him a devious smile. “I am sure the four ladies will think of something less gentle and much nastier.”

Matt looked at her. “I have an idea their idea and my idea of gentle vary slightly.”

Victoria laughed. “I wouldn’t be surprised.”

The ladies started off with an e-mail to each of the men that just said, “Your wife has proof.” They were on the East Coast so the e-mail traffic was minimal until noon.

Matt noticed some activity. “Someone is trying to trace the e-mails and our IP address. Let’s give them a little help.” Matt set some breadcrumbs that led to the Channel Four news room. Ten minutes later, three e-mails were sent to the vice president.

Harvard chuckled. “I can’t believe an idiot like the vice president is the top dog. You’re pretty good at laying false trails. Hey, you are the one that made Dave think I was the one sending out pictures of him in the thong last year.”

Matt chuckled sheepishly and looked over at Victoria. “So, what do the ladies have planned for these poor bastards?”

She laughed. “I am not sure, but if it were me, I would create an event that would embarrass them on a national level; the more outrageous the act, the better. I think they will do something like that.”

Marissa was standing behind her laughing. “We will come up with something, sweetie.”

Matt laughed. “I feel sorry for the men already.” The four ladies soon headed off to Washington and, due to their large donations, managed to get invited to a fund-raising gala.

The politicians had seen their pictures and made it a point to make sure they got VIP passes to try to get in their pants. The ladies had brought Snowflake and Frosty the falcon, in case things got out of hand. The ladies had bets on whose picture would be on the front page of the Washington Post.

Bob and Barry managed to get assigned to the protection detail and were ready to record anything naughty that might occur. The women were all in designer dresses and covered in expensive jewelry. The dresses left little to the imagination.

Barry got a look at them and gasped to Bob. “I smell blood in the water.” The men were all in black-tie mode. The four targets were sprinkled randomly throughout the crowd. There seemed to be an alarmingly high percentage of reporters at the fundraising event.

The four politicians had been forced to bring their wives with them. That would prove unfortunate. The highlight of the event was a full solar eclipse. It soon got very dark in the garden and everyone got quiet to enjoy the late afternoon event. The ladies were not going to allow that opportunity to pass them by.

At the exact moment of the full eclipse of the sun, there were four loud screams. The press was on them immediately. There was Senator Feltz, on top of Marissa, who still sort of had on her miniskirt. He was in his underwear and black tie, trying to get her bra off. His horrified wife was standing behind him, with her mouth agape, covering the eyes of their pet miniature dachshund, Hillary.

There were flashes from cameras everywhere. There was also a commotion to the left, where Clarissa, in a white miniskirt, was yelling, “Get off me, you fat, old pervert.” Senator Hartek, in his pink lace ladies underwear, ignored her pleas. His wife was kicking him, “No wonder my underwear doesn’t fit anymore. And I thought I was losing weight.”

Ten feet away was Senator Wiltrex, humping on a screaming Narissa, who had her red mini pushed up to her neckline. His underwear had “Sex Machine” stitched into it. His wife poured her wine on his head and screamed at him. “Now I don’t feel guilty for sleeping with your twin sisters.”

Last, but not least, was Vice President Vantrix on top of Larissa, who was in a blue miniskirt...sort of. He had her bra in his teeth. Larissa was covering her large breasts as best she could...sort of, with her arms. His secretary was screaming at him about cheating on her.

His wife just stood watching and calculating in her head just how much money she and the pool boy, Raul, were going to get from her piece-of-shit husband. Security was trying to take the cameras away from the press. There was a fat chance of that occurring.

A lot of newspapers had sold out in the first hour and issued special editions. Larissa got the front page nod. It seems her arms “accidentally” slid off her breasts the instant the Washington Post reporter was taking his picture. The other three ladies said she cheated.

Much to the chagrin of Victoria, the next evening the movies at the Bradys were rated “R”. Matt posted them to YouTube from the dead Senator Prescott’s account. He sent copies of the videos in e-mails to the four men with a note that said, “There is more to follow, gentlemen.”

He made the IP address traceable to MIT. By the end of the night the YouTube posts had gone viral. There was a lot of e-mail traffic between the four men. Senator Feltz was trying to find out who the women were.

The Secret Service noted that they came into the black tie event exactly sixty seconds apart. They talked to each other but only briefly. They did not talk to or approach any of the four politicians. They did have similarities in their appearances. The Secret Service told Feltz it was the strangest thing they had ever seen. All four men made a beeline for the women at exactly the same instant, at the height of the full eclipse.

Senator Feltz found they were all nurses in Massachusetts. He found out where they were staying and sent a couple of investigators, Mike and Mark, down there to find out all they could about them. He was determined find out who had the balls to screw with them.

He discovered they were at the scene of the plane crash and indirectly responsible for the closing of the casino. The investigators found their last name was Snowflake. The only other person named Snowflake was an orphaned girl named Victoria Snowflake. She was adopted by a detective named Brady who lived in Lancaster, Massachusetts on Hanging Hill Road.

Feltz told the men to go check them out but handle it with kid gloves. The FBI and ladies would make their visit memorable. His investigators rented a car at Logan Airport and headed to Lancaster. Several drivers smiled at them when the turned onto Hanging Hill Road.

Mike chuckled and asked, “Why is everyone smiling at us?” A large oak tree at the turnoff had, sitting in its branches, a white owl and a falcon that seemed to be staring at them. Mike laughed. “I could swear they were staring at us.” The birds followed them down the road, hopping from tree to tree.

They arrived at the end of the road and found a large, old, red farm house. A little girl in a Metallica ball cap and a MIT jersey sat on the porch reading a book on cosmology.

The two birds landed on the rail right in front of her. They stared at the two men. A huge German shepherd growling softly sat at her feet with his ears at alert.

They started to get out of their car until Larry started growling louder. Mike waved. “Can we get out of our car?”

She looked back down at her book. “Sure, if you have a death wish.”

They stayed in the car. “You’re not very friendly,” Mike observed.

She spoke without looking up. “You are strangers. My parents told me not to talk to strangers.”

Mike looked at her. “Well then, are your sisters at home?”

She sighed. “I don’t have any sisters, sorry.”

He asked, “Are your parents home then?”

Victoria was getting pissed. “No, just little old me, and I have a science test tomorrow, so please come back some other time.”

Mark got angry. “Look, you little smart ass, we came a long way.”

Victoria chuckled. “You’re lying. You came from Logan; I can see the sticker. That’s only twenty miles. Look guys, you are lucky my four aunts are not here, trust me on that. Go back to whoever you work for and tell them you quit.”

She stared at them with icy eyes. “If you come back and my aunts are here, you will never leave.” The two birds flew aggressively towards the car and landed in a tree branch right above them. Larry ran towards their open car window. They quickly rolled it up.

Mike yelled, “Go! God damn it!”! They got to their motel and called Feltz. Mike stuttered, “The four women are the little girl’s aunts. They are staying at the Brady home. We ah...got attacked by two birds and a giant German shepherd named Larry. The little girl scares the crap out of us. We’ve decided to go on vacation. We are sure you can find someone stupid enough to go down there. Don’t expect them to return.”

Feltz was surprised; Mike and Mark were former Marines. He called in some former black ops mercenaries who were afraid of nothing. He spoke softly. “Something funny is going on down there. A little persuasion is okay, but don’t hurt anyone, especially the little girl, Captain.”

The Bradys were having their nightly cookout. Tonight, they ate swordfish kabobs. The ladies made some fake sex tapes with

Dave’s and Matt’s help, which would be sent to the politicians. They were just illusions, but they looked real enough to Dave.

The videos were mailed to the politicians with no return addresses. They were sent with guaranteed overnight delivery.

Feltz got his first. He plugged in the CD and put his feet up on the hassock. His wife was in the other room, reading the paper. He smirked. He couldn’t believe his eyes.

He turned up the volume. His wife heard it and came in with rollers and face cream on.

“What are you watching, you sick...” Her jaw dropped. “I did not sleep with that idiot, Hartek.”

He laughed. “It sure looks like you and she sounds like you and dear, she has your birthmark on her ass. See you in court, dear.”

A bored Hartek plugged in his CD and smiled broadly. “Oh honey bun, could you come in here for a minute...pretty please?” She yelled, “I’ll honey bun you, you sick motherf...!” He turned up the volume as high as it could go.

She came back down stairs. “And will you turn the damn porn off?” She saw the screen; it was her. It even had the scar from her old boob job. The woman even bit shoulders like she did. She squinted. “Who is that? One of your bimbos?” She put on her glasses.

Hartek laughed. “It is Feltz, you bitch. Just how many men did you go through to get low enough to screw him, dear? See you in court.”

Wiltrex had the same reaction when he saw the vice president doing his wife doggie-style. It was her favorite position. She even howled like her. His wife just stood there, dumbfounded, staring at the screen with her mouth open.

Wiltrex chuckled. “Sweetheart, I thought you had more class than to have sex with a Democrat. See you in court, dearest.”

Vantrix watched the video of his wife doing Wiltrex. She was dressed in her college cheerleader uniform.

He laughed. “And I thought you were only doing Raul, the pool boy. I am really disappointed in your taste, dear.” He laughed as his wife just stared at the screen. “See you in court, honey.”

The videos “somehow” got posted on YouTube. The wives were irate. They were the laughingstock of Washington, much to the glee of their husbands. The men made speeches about how someone had spiked their drinks at the fundraiser.

Their wives were a different story. The men forgave them but it was time to move on. That meant dumping them for young twenty-year-old co-eds.

Matt read their speeches and laughed. “Enjoy it while you can, guys.”

Two days later, the wives received their CDs. They watched their husbands directing actors in how to imitate their wives. They smiled broadly and planned to take their husbands to the cleaners.

First up in court was Senator Feltz. Everything was going his way. The lawyer played his tape for the court that showed Feltz’s wife having sex with Hartek. His lawyer was surprised that his wife’s lawyer didn’t object and just sat there smiling, with his hands behind his head.

Feltz’s lawyer was alarmed by their reaction to the CD. He had good reason to be. It seemed his wife had a CD, too. It showed her husband coaching a woman who looked just like her about how she acts during sex.

Feltz jumped up screaming, “That is faked. I didn’t make that.” Her lawyer laughed. “I suppose that birthmark on your ah...well, is faked also?”

Senator Feltz was lucky to leave the court with his shorts. The other three politicians suffered the same fate. The men all got letters with Senator Prescott’s letterhead. Each one read: We hope you had fun in court.

Feltz talked to his friends. “Well, do we know anything?”

His aide spoke up. “We know Doctor Death told someone about us. He got paid a lot of money but got killed before we could find out the link to the little Snowflake girl in Lancaster.”

He continued, “There are close ties to MIT and the FBI for some reason and then we throw Wendy White into the mix. She is the only witness to the Senator Prescott assassination.

Wiltrex spoke, “I am going to handle this. You are too much of a pussy, Feltz. I’ll have our assets find out what is going on down there. We might have to get a little rough or take them out.”

Feltz grabbed his arm. “You better not harm the little girl, asshole.”

The next morning, two nasty men drove down the dusty Hanging Hill Road. The two birds flew into the tree right above Victoria, who was reading a book.

She looked up at them and then at Wendy. “The birds say we have guests. I told the birds to try to behave, unless of course these idiots ask for it. I hope they are braver than the last two. They were no fun at all.” She sipped her lemonade and stared at the parked car in the gravel driveway.

The driver tried to get out, but his door would not open. The men tried the passenger door but that was stuck, too. Victoria and Wendy sipped their drinks and watched the event play out.

Harry grunted, “What the hell? Nothing works.”

His partner swore. “My side is stuck, too. I hate these Japanese cars.” They turned around and hit a large rock, then finally headed out.

Harry yelled, “Shit! We only have first gear and the air conditioning crapped out.” It took them twenty minutes in the hot car to get to the main road. They were all covered with sweat. Cars going by them on the main road were pointing and laughing at them.

Johnny stared back at them. “Why are all these assholes laughing at us? Who are these people?”

Harry chuckled, “Who knows why they’re laughing. We are in Massachusetts, the Twilight Zone of America. They limped into a gas station.

The attendant, in a white Gulf uniform and chewing gum, trotted over and asked, “Fill her up?”

Harry yelled, “No, our windows and doors are both stuck.” The attendant leaned over. “Open your window; I can’t hear you.”

Harry rolled down his window, “Our windows and doors

won’t open.”

He looked down at the window and smiled sarcastically, “Really, gramps?” He opened the door with two fingers. A state police officer getting gas walked over after hearing the exchange.

He casually glanced at the men and inside. “So, where are you two boys from?”

Harry said, “Washington, DC, sir. I don’t know what to tell

you; our doors and windows wouldn’t open at all.”

The cop looked serious. “Where are you coming from?” Johnny said, “Hanging Hill Road, officer.” The state cop

started laughing hard and returned to his car and drove off. Johnny frowned chuckled. “. “What the hell was that about?”

Harry Who knows? Some stupid goose-stepping state cop with his baton stuck up his ass.” Harry watched him disappear over the hill. “Let’s leave our windows down and go teach those two, broads who were laughing at us, some manners.”

The attendant heard them and laughed. “You are going back there? Are you insane?” A car honked and he ran over to service them.

The two men turned down the road again. The two birds had returned and followed them, flying from tree to tree.

There was the loud clap of thunder and a gust of ice cold wind. The rain started coming down in torrents. It was frigid. A north wind started blowing sideways, soaking the two men. Johnny yelled, “My God, that rain is cold. Screw it. Close the damn windows.”

Harry yelled, “Mine is stuck open.”

Johnny squealed, “Mine too. Oh, no. Only first gear works again. These freaking Japanese cars! We should have nuked their whole damn country when we had the chance.” They got back to the motel after going ten miles an hour all the way. The windows suddenly worked fine.

Harry swore again. He told Johnny, “Tomorrow we get a damn Mustang and some automatic weapons.”

Snowflake had told Victoria about the two visitors. Wendy laughed. “You can really understand owls?”

She giggled, “Snowflake isn’t an owl. She just appears that way not to scare people.” She told Wendy about their thunderstorm event. Victoria gave Wendy a devious smile. “The morons will be back tomorrow with an American car. You can count on it. We will have to prepare an adequate welcome for the two little sweethearts.”

The two men showed up the next evening in a candy-apple red Ford Mustang. They were pleased to see there was a party going on in the backyard. They looked around and saw no one. They walked to the front door and knocked. Mrs. B. answered the door and did a double take. A snotty Johnny growled, “We want Wendy White.”

Mrs. B. asked, “Why?”

Sarcastically, Harry said, “That is none of your business, you nosy bitch.”

Mrs. B. chuckled, “Oh really? Maybe you would rather deal with Larry. Oh, Larry.” A huge German shepherd came to the door, growling loudly.

Johnny reached for his gun and realized he had no clothes on. Mrs. B. had seen him try to reach for a gun. That pissed her off. “Honey, could you call the police and tell us we have two nude perverts trying to see Wendy?”

Harry yelled, “Screw you, lady.” The men ran to their car but realized they had left the keys in the locked car. Larry chased them up on the roof of the Mustang. The crowd in the back of the house heard the barking and ran to the front of the house. There were a lot of people laughing and camera flashes.

The state cop from the day before arrived with his partner and arrested them. He laughed, “I see you found the Brady house.” The two men were thrown in a cell where they sat quietly. Harry tapped Johnny and pointed to a Trojan machine on the cell wall that offered protection for twenty-five cents.

Johnny laughed. “Freaking wonderful. I wonder if the police make change.” There was a loud ruckus in the lobby. Four giant bikers, covered with tattoos, were dragged into the cell by eight beat-up police officers.

The leader looked around and saw the two investigators. “Looky what we have here. Don’t be shy ladies, we’re gonna become real good friends.” He sauntered over to the Trojan machine and reached in his pocket. “Shit. No change.” The two investigators sighed with relief. “Anybody got change?” The other bikers all shook their heads. He yelled for a cop. “Hey, you got change?” The cop looked at the two nervous men, who were shaking their heads “no” and smiled. “Yeah, how much do you need?”

The leader looked at the two men and over at his smiling men. “You better make it only twenty bucks worth. We’ll make bail in the morning.”

The two men screamed for their phone call. Harry yelled, “You got to get us out of here now, Senator! They got a damn rubber machine in the cell along with four giant horny bikers. The one named Shorty is six-foot six.”

Wiltrex screamed at them, “You shouldn’t have called me. Now they can connect you to me.”

Johnny yelled, “You come down and sit in a cell with four horny bikers that just bought twenty dollars’ worth of rubbers and see who you want to connect to.”

The four bikers later showed up at Brady’s home. The leader smiled. “They did what you figured they would do. You should have seen their faces when I asked for twenty dollars’ worth of quarters.”

Brady laughed, “So we know Wiltrex sent them down to check us out.” He handed four ice-cold beers to the four men.

The sergeant laughed, “They quit and are on their way back to California as we speak.”

“This is Dan Edwards, reporting from the Brady residence in Lancaster, where a party was broken up by two nude individuals working for Senator Wiltrex, who tried to accost Miss Wendy White, heir to the Boston Patriot newspaper empire. The two men were chased by the family puppy to the roof of their rental car.”

Larry, the German shepherd walked in front of a terrified Dan Edwards, carrying basketball in his mouth. “He is a friendly little pup. They were arrested and booked by the police. They said they were hired by Senator Wiltrex to track down Wendy White, who was the only witness to the Senator Prescott assassination. It makes you wonder.”

Wiltrex called Hartek, who was down at his Cape Cod summer home. “Get a couple guys to go sniff around and see why the Bradys are interested in our group. We have to make sure that they know nothing about our planned event.”

Hartek laughed. “Hell, I don’t even know everything about it. I think you’re paranoid. I think their only interest is in protecting Wendy White.”

Wiltrex chuckled. “You know how Vantrix is. If you don’t clear them he will have them all killed. Have your friends find out the history of that area. Two of my men say the place is weird. They think it is haunted.”

The next day Hartek called Wiltrex. “My guys talked to a cop. He said thirteen women were hung there for witchcraft in the seventeenth century. He says a lot of strange things happen down there involving the Bradys and Hanging Hill Road.”

The man was talking on his phone. “It is the only house on that road. It belonged to Detective Brady’s grandfather. Huh. I am looking out my car window at the road and a white owl is staring at me. It is unsettling and weird, man.”