Kanin

I sat on a boulder overlooking a cliff. The fall from the cliff to the crashing waves below was death defying. Before now, I might be afraid to be this close to certain death - but not now. I’d been closer. Lately, I’ve done nothing but look death in the face.

I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of salt water and pine trees. My hair whipped around my face and a slight chill was nipping at my skin. I fisted my hands in my t-shirt and let out an unsteady breath.

“We should get back.”

I’d almost convinced myself that I was alone.

I didn’t move. I wanted to stay here and let the crashing waves soothe me. I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t even want to turn around. Going back meant facing the truth. I had become comfortable with running away from that said truth. I wanted to hide and these woods were a perfect hiding place.

But they were also a perfect place to be hunted.

“He’ll be back, Kanin.”

I stood abruptly, facing Jax. He stood a few feet away, looking like he could pounce at any moment: his hands were fisted at his sides and his muscles were coiled tight. His beast’s eyes were showing, shinning a blood red that seemed to illuminate the night around us.

I wanted to scream, yell, curse - something. I wanted to run up to him and hit him, but at the same time I wanted to bury my face in his chest and sob. So many emotions ran through me that my body physically hurt. I was starting to feel the effects of my run through the woods. I was exhausted, but my mind was wide awake.

I was so angry.

“Let him come!” I yelled to the trees, my voice cracking. “I’m so tired of running, Jax. I’m so tired of hiding. I want this to be over.”

Jax took a quick step towards me, reaching out with strong hands to grab on to me. I couldn’t let him. Jax’s touch had a way of calming me down, but I didn’t need to be calmed down. My anger needed a way out, it was boiling over and I was ready to explode.

“Don’t touch me!” I stepped away from him, closer to the cliff’s edge, closer to the crashing waves below.

I turned away from Jax and looked over the cliff. What would happen if I jumped right now? Maybe I’d die. Maybe I’d hit the rocks below and never wake up, never be found again. It would all be over. It would be so easy. For a few seconds, it would feel like flying.

“Kanin, don’t even think about it!” Jax warned. I could tell he was inching closer towards me. “I didn’t bring you this far for you just to end it here!”

I didn’t listen to him. Instead, I took a step closer. My feet were just at the edge. One more step and it would all be over. I closed my eyes and let the ocean wind wash over me. Maybe I’d live. Maybe I’d make it to shore and I’d have a story to tell. Either way, for a few seconds I would feel free.

“Kanin!” Jax yelled from behind me. His voice was getting lost in the beat of my heart and the waves crashing below. “Don’t do this!” He took a step closer to me.

One step.

That’s it. It was that easy.

One step and I’d get my escape, if only for a few seconds.

“Please!” He cried.

That’s what made my last step falter. Jax was begging. I’d only heard him beg once. It was right before the meeting with Keera. He had begged me to do as he said. I’d listened to him because he had sounded so broken. Just like now. He sounded so broken and defeated that my heart mirrored his pain. His pain broke through the numbness that had creeped into my soul. I felt his pain as my own.

“Kanin, listen to me.” He pleaded. “This isn’t an option! This isn’t a way out. I know you hurt right now. I know you want out, but this isn’t the way!” He was stringing words together to try and stop me. The words were tumbling over each other and I heard the break in his voice. “You can’t do this to the people you love.” My father. “Think about all the people that would miss you!” Delilah. “What about me?” His last words were so silent that I wasn’t sure if I heard them at all.

I stared down at the crashing waves and sharp rocks one last time. I stumbled back from the edge, tears spilling down my face. “Are you happy now?” I yelled back at Jax.

“I’m never happy.” He answered, sounding completely breathless.

I turned and faced him then. His eyes were bloodshot and his skin looked pale. His hands were fisted at his sides, but I saw blood seeping from his palms. He shook out his hands and I saw that his claws had slipped out. His eyes flashed back and forth from their normal stormy color to the color of his inner beast’s.

“I wasn’t sure you knew how to feel fear, Jax.” I breathed out.

“Even monsters know fear, Kanin.”

Maybe so, but he wasn’t a monster. Not by any means.

I stared at him a moment longer before moving away from the cliff. I was about to brush past him when he grabbed my upper arm to stop me. For a moment, he just stared at me, his pupils dilated and his eyes not seeming to be able to stop on one spot.

“Next time you do that, I’ll let you jump.” He warned and then pushed away from me. He didn’t wait for me as he started back through the forest again.

I jogged after him, having a harder time then he was apparently. His wolf’s eyes could probably see in the dark, while mine couldn’t. I was tripping over everything I couldn’t see. It was pitch black around us. The only light came from the moon over our heads.

“Jax, slow down!” I called, gripping onto a tree trunk as my foot caught a fallen tree.

He stopped, but didn’t turn around to offer his help. His back was tense and his claws still hadn’t disappeared. “Hurry up. I don’t want to be out here much longer.”

“Yeah, well, some of us can’t see in the dark, you know?” I groaned and continued walking once again.

He made a sound that sounded somewhere between a grunt and a laugh, but continued walking.

“I think I’m getting whiplash from your mood swings.” I told him, but he kept quiet. He was ignoring me again. I don’t know why it made me so angry when he did, but I felt my blood boil even more. “Just say something!”

"Something.” He spun so fast that I tripped over my own feet to stop myself. He didn’t bother to reach out and catch me. I put my hands up and caught the tree closest to me.

If looks could kill, Jax would be dead.

“Let’s just get home and then you can yell at me all you want.” He said, wringing his fists together.

“That’s not my home! Don’t you get that?” I was yelling, but I didn’t care.

“Lower your voice!” He pleaded, his eyes skirting around the woods.

“Don’t tell me what to do.” I warned.

“Oh, we’re going to have this conversation again?” He crossed his wide arms over his broad chest in anger.

I didn’t answer. No, I didn’t want to have that conversation again. I didn’t want to hear him tell me how ignorant and stupid I was. I didn’t want to listen to him tell me that everyone knew what was best for me, but me.

“It might not be your home, Kanin, but it’s the safest place for you right now. You know that.” He was trying to control his anger, but his voice shook. “Besides, I don’t think you have a home anymore.”

His words stung. Not because they weren’t true, but because they were. He was right, I didn’t have a home anymore. I used to think my home was with my father, but now I wasn’t sure if I could ever go back there. I didn’t belong anywhere. I was caught between two different worlds and I wasn’t sure which one I belonged to.

I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry in front of Jax, not again. I watched him for one more second before pushing past him. I didn’t know where I was going and I could barely see anything, but that didn’t stop me. I could hear Jax following behind me, but he didn’t speak either.

When we finally made it back to the mansion, Cade was waiting for us. He sprung up from where he’d been sitting on the steps. His eyes wondered over me, like he was checking to see if I was hurt or not. He then looked to his alpha and his eyes instantly turned blood red. His face creased together and his shoulders hunched. He suddenly looked away from Jax and cleared his throat.

What was that?

Jax breezed past Cade and into the house. I stayed put on the lawn, staring up at Cade. He watched me for a moment and took the few steps to close the distance between us. “You okay?” He asked me, hands shoved into the pockets of his sweats.

I started to nod, but stopped. I wasn’t okay, and I wasn’t about to lie to Cade. He understood and didn’t push the subject anymore. “What was that just now? Between you and Jax?” I questioned.

“Remember when I told you we had a connection to each other?” He answered, shifting nervously from foot to foot. I nodded and let him continue. “We can speak to each other through that connection.”

“Like read each other’s minds?” I questioned.

He shook his head, “No. It’s different. I can’t just read another wolf’s thoughts. They have to let me in and direct the thought to me.” He groaned. “It’s hard to explain. It’s like talking, just not out loud.”

“All werewolves can do this?”

“Yes, but only with their own pack. I wouldn’t be able to communicate with Keera or her pack.” He explained.

“Was Jax yelling at you then?”

“In a sense, yes.” He sighed. “You can’t really hear the tone’s through the connection, but he was definitely yelling.”

I led Cade towards the house and we took a seat beside each other. I crossed my arms over my chest and stared up at the stars. For a moment, I just listened to the forest around me. It was so peaceful.

“I figured out the beef between you and Jax.” I whispered, still staring up at the sky. I didn’t want to meet Cade’s gaze.

I felt Cade tense beside me, “Oh?”

I gulped and continued on, “That girl, Bevin. You loved her.”

“Yeah, once.” He answered.

“She loved Jax.”

Cade was silent for the longest time that I thought he wouldn’t answer at all. “Yeah.”

I finally looked over at him, but he was studying the moon. He looked like he was in physical pain, like he had when Bevin had touched him. I wondered if the memory of her alone hurt him to think about.

“What happened?” I shouldn’t be prying, but for some reason I couldn’t stop.

Cade sighed, “We grew up together. Keera’s pack and ours weren’t always so tense with each other. There was a time, when Jax’s father was alpha, that we got along. Jax, Bevin, and me used to be inseparable. We went everywhere together. When we got older, I realized how I felt about her.” Cade paused and his eyes turned red for a moment. “I thought she felt the same way for a while, but I found out she had just been playing me like a fool. I’d been blinded by my feelings for her, I didn’t see who she became. She was using me to make Jax jealous. She loved him while I was busy loving her. I tried to ignore it, but after a while it just became obvious.” He shook his head and laughed. “But Jax never even realized. He never took the time to care that the girl I loved, loved him instead.”

“I’m sorry, Cade.” I said quietly, my heart breaking for him.

He shrugged, “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“You still love her, of course it matters.”

“No, it doesn’t.” He protested. “I’ll never be able to look at her the same again.”

“Why?”

He looked over at me for a moment, his eyes clouded over with memories, “Because Bevin always gets what she wants. I never realized how conniving and heartless she was until it was too late. She didn’t care who she hurt in the process of getting what she wanted. But she couldn’t have Jax so she went to the next best thing.”

I gulped, ”Jamison.”

“That’s right.” He nodded, his eyes swirling with the red blood. “She moved on to him thinking it would make Jax even more jealous.”

“But it didn’t work?”

“It could have.” He shrugged. “but Jamison was killed before Bevin could really try.”

“Bevin was seeing Jax’s brother when he was killed?” I questioned.

“Behind Keera’s back, yeah. She pretended she wanted to keep it a secret. That is, keep a secret from everyone but Jax and me. She didn’t care who she hurt if she got what she wanted. And she always wanted Jax.” He rubbed his palms over his sweat pants. “Still does.”