Kanin

I’m not sure how long I was laying on that forest floor. Time didn’t seem to pass. The only thing I was aware of was the darkness and the beat of my heart. I opened my eyes, not really seeing, and fisted the earth in my hands. I couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything but lay there.

The truths of my life swirled around in my brain, truths I hadn’t even realized until only minutes ago. The truth about my mother and what really killed her. The truth about why my father really killed werewolves. The truth about Jax.

So many things were swirling in my mind, dragging me down. I was drowning. I wasn’t even sure I was breathing. I was only numb.

I was faintly aware of a howl in the distance, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I closed my eyes, letting the forest drift away once again. I wasn’t sure how long it was until I opened my eyes again. I stared straight at a pair of glowing red eyes now. I heard the crunch of leaves under big paws as the wolf stepped closer to me.

I was numb.

I let my eyes close again.

When I opened them, the wolf was gone. Before me was a dark figure crouching in the mud. I saw a hand reach for me. A warm palm pressed against my cheek. I let my eyes wander over the figure before me once.

Blood mixed in a stormy sky.

“Kanin.” It was a voice that reminded me of a swaying sea.

I couldn’t move.

“I’m sorry, Kanin.” Came that soothing voice once again.

I was pulled close to a warm chest. I could hear a strong heart beat and I knew it wasn’t my own. I could feel someone’s chest rising and falling against my body. I stared up at his face. His eyes were focused on mine. His forehead was creased together.

“Will you ever get tired of saving my life, hero?” My voice didn’t sound like my own.

“I’m not a hero, quite the opposite really.” He shook his head and his voice was merely a whisper.

“I can see the good in you.” I told him.

“Not everyone is a good person, Kanin. Some people are just bad and there’s nothing you can do to change that.” He sounded defeated.

“You’re not one of those people, Jax.” I pleaded with him.

“You’re right.” He looked away from me and to the impenetrable darkness before us, like he could see something. “I’m worse.”

I didn’t say anything else. I closed my eyes tight and fell asleep to the beating of his heart against my ear.

<><><><><><>

I woke up to soft sheets under me and knew I was back in Jax’s mansion. I left my eyes closed for a moment longer as my senses awoke. I suddenly heard the shuffle of feet beside my bed, “Kanin, you awake?”

Cade.

I groaned in answer, rolling over onto my back in the bed. I peeled my heavy lids open, the ceiling blurred before me. It took my vision a moment to adjust. When it did, I turned my head towards Cade. He was towered over the bed, his forehead creased and his eyes locked on me.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

I looked away from him, letting the memories wash over me like a tidal wave. I didn’t know how I should feel. My life had just been flipped upside down - again. All I knew was that I was completely overwhelmed. Finding out what really happened to my mother should make me feel happy - or something. Instead, I felt crushed. I feel like I should understand my father better, because he was avenging my mother’s murder, but I didn’t. Nothing made sense.

“Where’s Jax?” I avoided Cade’s question and asked one of my own.

Cade turned away from me for a moment, his eyes flashing the color of his wolf’s. I wondered if he was tracking his alpha or not. When he looked back at me, his eyes were back to normal. “He took off not long after he dropped you off.” He paused, sucking in a breath. “He’s not happy.”

“When is he ever happy?” I sighed, throwing my arms behind my head and looking up at the ceiling.

“Good question.” Cade chuckled lightly.

“What happens now?”

"Now?” Cade asked curiously.

“Now that Keera and her cronies are after me. Now that they want to kill me.”

“Oh yeah, that.” His shoulders slumped as if he had forgotten that I was to be killed any day now, like he could forget. “I’m not really sure, but Jax will do something about it. He’ll make sure you’re safe.”

Safe.

I couldn’t help but to cringe at that word. It reminded me of my old life, my old house, my father. It reminded me that even I had once been completely oblivious to Cade’s world. I’d been completely oblivious to what really happened to my mother. I’d been absolutely oblivious of Jax.

I didn’t want to go back to that.

As much as I didn’t want to be chased and hunted, I don’t think I could ever go back to my old life. How could I? Knowing what was out there in the darkness. How could I go back when everyone else around me didn’t know what was really happening around them, around me? It wasn’t possible.

Did I want to stay here though?

Could I stay with Cade and Trent? Could I stay here now that I knew what my father had done to Jax?

What could I do?

I didn’t have many choices. I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t go back to my father and that house of lies, knowing what lied in the basement. But I couldn’t stay here either. I had nowhere to go. I didn’t belong anywhere.

I pulled my tired body in a seated position, dragging my hands over my face. Cade rose to his feet to give me space. He must have heard something in my heart beat that gave me away. “Kanin.” I heard the warning in his tone, but I ignored it.

I placed my feet on the carpeting, turning my back to him. I didn’t want to see his face, hear his voice, listen to him as he tried to stop me. I couldn’t let him stop me. I stood to my feet, my eyes wondering out the window. It was still dark.

“I just want to take a shower, Cade.” I said, my voice sounding broken and weak.

“Okay. I’ll just be outside.” It was a warning. He was making sure I knew that he would be there to catch me if I tried anything. “Call if you need anything.”

I stood staring out the window still as he disappeared from my room. I waited for a minute before making my way into the bathroom. I started the shower, but had no intention of stepping under the stream of water. I was hoping the sound of the water would mask my movements. I stopped dead in front of the mirror, hanging from my neck was Jax’s alpha ring. For a moment, I was tempted to get back and bed and sleep until I felt better. I reached up to rip the necklace off, but somehow, I my fingers wouldn’t obey. I groaned and willed myself to ignore it.

I hurriedly changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, pulled my feet into my boots, and stepped towards the window. There was a tree that sat just inches outside of the window. I opened the glass, looked over my shoulder one last time, and reached for the branches. It sucked in a deep breath as I pulled myself out of my room.

I tried not to think of Cade, who stood just outside my door. All I knew was that I couldn’t stay here. I had to leave, for everyone’s safety. If I wasn’t around, maybe Keera wouldn’t could after Jax and his pack. Maybe she’d leave us all alone.

I made sure to watch my footing and keep my grip tight as I scaled down the tree. In no time, my feet touched the ground. I looked back up at my room one last time before sprinting into the lining of the trees.

I made sure to go in the opposite direction of where the meeting had been - just in case. I picked up my speed as I crashed into the trees. I tried to keep my footstep as light as I could, knowing that any wolf could hear me if I wasn’t careful. I just needed to get distance between the house and me before Cade came to check on me.

I slowed my speed to a walk. I hadn’t noticed I’d been crying until I felt the tears hit my collar bone. I reached up and wiped them away. Was I crying because I was relieved? Or crying because I knew I’d never see Cade or Trent or even Jax again? Or was it knowing that I could never go home again?

“I thought you were smart, Little Red.” Came a voice from the shadows.

I jumped, spinning around to face them. I said nothing as I stared into the blood red eyes of the man before me.

Ean.

“See, I knew you’d run.” He chuckled, inching closer with each beat of my frantic heart. “So I waited for you. I knew you weren’t wise enough to stay in that house. You have to think that you know what’s best for yourself. You don’t know anything though” He reached up and ran a finger down the side of my face. “If only you’d stayed inside that house, Little Red. You would have been safe there. The treaty states we can’t attack there.”

I was so stupid.

I thought I’d be safe if I escaped, thought that they wouldn’t find me. I thought that I wasn’t safe inside Jax’s house. I’d been wrong, so wrong. Truth was, I was safe there. Safer then I was anywhere else. I’d just walked into Ean’s trap. I’d come right to him. I’d done exactly what he wanted me to do.

Ean noticed the necklace at my neck. His fingers ran over the ring. He growled. “Where’s lover boy now, huh?” Ean let out a vicious laugh that vibrated through my bones. He looked around the small clearing that we stood in, teasing me. “He’s not here to save you now, Little Red.” He leaned forward, sticking his nose in my hair and sucking in a deep breath. “If I were him, I would have never let you leave my sight.” His fingers trailed up my bare arm. “I did tell him to keep a tight leash on you, didn’t I?”

“What do you want from me, Ean?” I whimpered.

“Say my name again.” He purred in my ear.

“What do you want?” I spat, trying to pry myself from his grip.

“I thought it was clear, Little Red. I just want you.”

“I’m not a possession.” I snapped. I pushed my palms against his chest. He stumbled back a step, laughing. “Get away from me!”

“You’ve got fire in your soul. I like that about you.” His eyes roamed my body, slowly. “Come on. Don’t act like you don’t want me, too.”

“You make me physically sick! I literally feel like vomiting. You’re disgusting and repulsive. I don’t want anything to do with you.” I take a step back, causing him to follow after me.

“Oh, don’t be like that, Little Red.” He stalked after me, looking like the beast that crawled under his skin. He was enjoying this too much. My stomach rolled at the sight of him. He caught me by the arm, pulling me roughly against his chest.

I pushed against him, “Don’t touch me!” One of my hands got lose. I swung out blindly, somehow it connected with Ean’s jaw. I saw his head whip to the side. He went as still as a statue, his muscles tight. He was suddenly breathing fast, his chest rising and falling against me. When he turned to look back at me, his eyes were blood red. His grip tightened on my arms. I looked down at his hands and saw his claws slip out.

He was angry.

He roared, an inhuman sound that caused the hair on the back of my neck to rise. He pushed me away from him, sending me flying on my backside. I couldn’t move. I was left staring up at him as his bones cracked in to place. The man that had stood before me seconds ago, was replaced with a wolf that could give Jax a run for his money.

He was big, probably had over a hundred pounds on me. His fur was brown with patches of black on his shoulders and chest. His wolf’s jaws snapped at me, foam running down his mouth. His blood red eyes pierced through me. His paws dug into the earth. He growled at me, taking a step forward. I crawled back in the mud, trying to get away from him. My legs numb. I wanted to scream, cry, run but my body wouldn’t obey. I was paralyzed in fear.

In a split second, the wolf before me lunged. I watched him leap through the air. In a flash, the wolf landed on top of me, pinning me to the ground. His front paws were dangerously close to my face, digging into the earth on either side. I could smell his canine breath as he let out a huff, it smelt like death.

I had to get away. I had to get up. I had to do something, because if I didn’t, Ean’s red eyes would be the last thing would see. I took my eyes off him for a second to take in my surroundings. There was nothing but darkness.

Scream.

Werewolves had heightened senses, Cade had once told me that. If I screamed now, someone might hear me. I hadn’t made it that far from Jax’s house. If I screamed as loud as I could I had a chance. So, I did. I screamed so loud that even my ears started screaming.

Ean howled and stumbled off me. His wolf whined, paws digging in the mud and head thrashing. I took off running. I wasn’t sure if I was going back in the direction of Jax’s house or not, but I ran. I didn’t look back. I didn’t care how loud I was being, maybe Jax would hear me. My lungs cramped in my chest, wanting a break, but I kept moving.

Suddenly, a howl ripped through the woods. I stopped dead, using a tree to keep me from falling over. I listened closer. That’s when I heard the crashing from behind me, someone was after me. My heart exploded in my chest. I picked up my speed once again. Whatever was after me sounded loud, no doubt a wolf.

My heart was hammering so loud that I was sure someone would hear it. I could hardly feel my legs as they kept me moving. I crashed into trees and branches as I ran, but barely felt the scrape of them. I was numb with adrenaline.

“Kanin!” Someone was yelling my name, but my blood was rushing in my ears so loud I couldn’t make out who it was. I kept running, kept my legs moving, kept my lungs working. It could be a trick. Ean could have shifted back into his human form and was trying to trick me.

“Kanin, stop!”

I didn’t stop, couldn’t stop. My legs were working on their own now. All I could do was run. I kept moving way past what my body could handle. With each beat of my frantic heart, I moved faster.

Suddenly, I crashed into something hard. Hands came around to grip my arms tightly. My head pressed against a solid chest and a strong heartbeat. Adrenaline was still pumping wild in my veins. Everything was dark around me. I was blinded by the exhaustion that I now felt in my lungs and body. I couldn’t breathe. I punched blindly at the person that held me firm, but it was useless. It was like trying to move a brick wall.

“Kanin.” A voice soothed me. “It’s alright.”

So here I was again. Back where I started. How many times could I trick myself into believing that I could get away? How many times could I try and escape and just end up back where I’d started? Fate was a cruel, cruel thing.

“Just breathe.” The voice tried to calm me.

I felt that calm start to work its way over my body; from my arms, to my legs, and into my veins. Once it did, my body felt weighted. I could barely lift my arms to hold onto to the person that gripped me tight.

"Ean.” I breathed out, trying to get him to understand what just happened.

“You’re safe, Kanin, you’re safe.” He promised, he tightened his grip on my arms as my legs gave out from underneath me.

“He’s chasing me.” I pleaded.

“Not anymore.” Came that voice that sounded like swaying tides. ”You’re safe.”

Safe.

I wondered if he knew how much I hated that word. I wondered if he knew how much I wanted to run away every time I heard it. I cringed, closing my eyes tight against the swirling world around me.

“Don’t say that.” I shook my head, “I’m never safe.”

I felt him take a deep breath, his chest rising and falling against me, “Maybe so. But at this moment, nothing’s chasing you.”

I listened to his words and let them sink in. At this moment, I was safe. Nothing was chasing me. So, what happened to the wolf that was?

“Where’s Ean?” I questioned.

“Long gone for now, I promise.”

I sunk further into his arms, tears falling down my face harder now. I buried my face into his stomach, listening to his strong heartbeat. “I’m sorry.” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”

Jax sighed, “I know.”

“I should’ve listened, but I never do.”

“You’re right.” He didn’t bother to deny it, “You think you always know what’s best for you, but you don’t, Kanin. I’m sorry, but you don’t. You don’t understand what is happening around you, the magnitude of it. I’m trying to protect you, but you swear that everything around you is trying to hurt you. I know what’s best for you, Kanin. In this moment and what’s happening around us, I know what’s best. But you think I have this elaborate plan to kill you off or something. I promise you, I don’t.”

I let his words sink in. All this time I thought that Jax was the enemy. I thought that he was trying to kill me, wanted to kill me. Maybe I was wrong. “All those times you said you would kill me?” I questioned.

“Just to scare you.” He sighed. “I’m used to people being afraid of me. When they’re afraid of me, they do exactly what I say. They listen to me. But you-” He shook his head. “You’re different. You’re not afraid of me like the others are. When I said I wanted to kill you, you did everything you could to get out. You crossed me. I’m not used to that.” He moved his hands up and down my arms. “I’m sorry, Kanin. I really am.”

I nodded, unable to form any words. I didn’t know what to say. Here he was, bearing his soul to me, telling me he was sorry, and I wasn’t sure what to say to him. All those times I’d been afraid of him. All those times he said he was going to kill me, all those times he’d been angry, he’d just been putting on a front to scare me into behaving, into doing exactly what he wanted. But that’s not how I worked. Fear didn’t make me numb. I didn’t fall at someone’s feet just because I was afraid of them. I didn’t obey just because I didn’t want them to hurt me. Being afraid just made me stronger.

But it also made me stupid.

But I wasn’t afraid anymore. Not of Jax or any of his wolves. Not even Ean. I was just mad. Angry that they all thought they could control me. Angry that they all thought I was just some little, helpless girl.

I wasn’t.

And I never would be again.