Kanin

We sat in silence as Cade’s words settled around us. I wasn’t sure what to say. Bevin had broken his heart, but she hadn’t just stopped there. She loved Jax, but he didn’t love her. I remember how she had tried to latch herself onto him at the meeting. Jax barely blinked before he pushed her off. I wondered if Jax had felt anything when Bevin hooked up with Jamison.

I could barely think the name without flinching: Jamison. My father had ended his life, destroying countless others in the process. I wondered if my father had thought of anyone else when he killed him. I wondered if my father had given Jamison a chance to beg for mercy. Had my father felt anything when he watched the light drain from the wolf’s eyes?

A chill racked my body just thinking about it. Cade noticed, “You cold?”

“A little.” I answered. Although, I wasn’t sure if that was true. I didn’t know what I felt.

“Want to go inside? It’s late.” Cade stood to his feet, offering his hand to me.

I stared up at him for a moment before letting him haul me to my feet. My eyes scanned over the mansion looming over me. I hugged my arms around my chest and stood still for a moment. I didn’t want to go inside. Not yet.

Cade stopped at the top of the stairs and turned around to look down at me. “Kanin, it’ll be okay.”

Would it? It didn’t feel okay. Nothing felt okay.

I only nodded, unsure what to say to him. There was nothing I could say to make me feel better, nothing he could say.

“I think I’ll sit out here for a bit, you can go ahead and go inside.” I told him, hoping he would. I needed a moment alone. A moment to sit amongst the stars and just be by myself. I needed to feel the wind in my hair and against my skin. I just needed time.

He studied me for a moment, nervously shifting from one foot to the other. His brow creased together and I could see his mind working. He wanted to give me my space, but he had Jax’s orders first. He’d one told me he couldn’t disobey his alpha’s orders.

I sighed, “On second thought, I am a little cold.” I saw his tense shoulders physically relax. He hated saying no to me. I knew that if Cade could, he’d give me anything I asked for. The problem was that he couldn’t. Not with Jax giving him orders to watch my every move. Now that I’ve just tried to escape again, I wouldn’t be getting any freedom.

I really needed to start following the rules.

Cade waited until I was beside him to lead me into the house. Once we stepped over the threshold, the air changed. Outside, the air had washed over me and soothed my restless body. Now, I felt like it was stifling. The air was so thick with tension and fear, that I physically felt like it was weighing me down.

“We need to open some windows.” I grumbled, shaking out my hands to try and relieve some of the pressure.

Cade didn’t hear me. He continued to lead me up the stairs towards my bedroom. My eyes skirted around the house trying to locate Jax, but he wasn’t anywhere to be found. He was probably hiding in his office again.

We stopped in front of my bedroom, but I couldn’t get my feet to bring me to my bed. Maybe I could stand here all night. Maybe Cade wouldn’t force me to go to sleep. Sleeping meant dreaming, and my dreams were usually filled with nightmares lately.

Cade rested a soothing hand on my back and guided me forward. “I know you’re struggling with everything you’ve found out, Kanin, but you can’t let it bring you down. You can’t let it consume you.”

Too late.

It had already consumed me. It was consuming me like fire. It was weighing me down, crushing me. It was drowning me. I felt like I was swimming in the dark, with no way up or down. I couldn’t find my way out. I couldn’t see the light.

I couldn’t escape.

“I wish Keera would just get it over with.” My voice didn’t sound like my own. It sounded void of any emotion, flat and lifeless.

Cade spun me around quickly, his hands at my shoulders. He shook me lightly, his eyes flashing red and boring into mine. “Don’t say that. Don’t you ever say that.”

I didn’t have the strength to push away from him, “We know it’s coming, Cade. Right now, I’m not good for anyone. I’m pretty sure I’d be less of a burden if she just killed me.”

“You are not a burden, Kanin!”

“Oh, really?” I looked him straight in the eye. “Tell me that you don’t think of Jamison when I’m around. Tell me that you aren’t reminded of how my father killed him. Thinking of Jamison leads to thinking about Bevin. And whatever the heck happened to Jax’s dad. I’m a walking reminder of everything that went bad in your life. Especially Jax’s.”

“That’s not your fault though.” Cade shook his head. “You didn’t kill Jamison. You didn’t make Bevin do what she did. You didn’t cause any of that. Sure, we all have a hard time ignoring the bad things when you’re around, but we know that it’s not your fault.”

“Does Jax?” I questioned. “I’m pretty sure he blames it all on me. Jamison wouldn’t be dead if Jax hadn’t saw me with my mom that day.”

“But how could you have stopped that? You were just a little kid. Besides, you didn’t know that Jax had even been there.”

I knew he was right, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe him. It was easier to blame everything on myself. I thought I deserved it.

“Jax has blamed himself for years, and look what he’s become. You don’t want to end up like him.”

Jax had buried his feelings deep inside. He made sure he felt nothing, because the pain was too great. He threw up walls and guarded his heart so no one could get close to him. He made sure everyone thought he was a monster and that he was heartless, because it was easier than feeling the pain. It was easier than remembering how it felt. He’d rather be heartless than ever let someone have the power to heart him again.

What a lonely, miserable existence.

“Maybe it’s easier that way.” I mumbled, half-heartedly believing it. “Maybe it’s easier to get answers when they can’t hurt me.”

There were still so many answers I needed. There were still so many things that didn’t make sense.

I could see the pain in Cade’s eyes, “I just hope that you don’t look so hard for answers that it kills you.”

Then so be it.

“Just get some sleep, okay?” Cade scratched the back of his neck, his eyes averting from mine. He didn’t want to look at me.

I only nodded and watched him retreat from my room. He didn’t have to warn me to stay inside this time. I didn’t have the energy to escape. Besides, I was done trying to do that. Every time I’d escaped, it just resulted in more danger. Next time it would very likely get me killed.

I stood in place well after Cade closed my bedroom door. I couldn’t bring myself to move. I couldn’t get my feet to carry my tired body to the bed. My fist absentmindedly grasped the ring that hung from the chain around my neck. I could feel the outline of the dead tree as my fingers roamed over the band. Wylder. It was the sign of Jax’s pack. It was an alpha ring, which meant that Jamison would have worn it.

There it was again, the physical pain in my chest that formed every time that I even thought of Jax’s brother. A life so brutally stolen. A life that my very own father had stolen. What had my father become? How had I missed it? How had I missed the darkness forming in his very soul? How hadn’t I seen the signs that something was very wrong? How had my father managed to hide it so well?

I closed my eyes tight against the tears that threatened to spill over. I wasn’t sure how my body managed to produce more tears, but they were still coming. I thought I was too numb to cry, but here I was.

I was so weak.

I reached up and wiped away the tears, quietly cursing myself. I didn’t want to be that weak girl anymore. I wanted to be strong. I didn’t want to let the truth affect me like it was. There was nothing I could do to change it. It was happening and I just had to embrace it and move on.

I was suddenly moving before I had even thought about it. I stepped into the dark hallway and quietly made my way to Jax’s office. I wanted to turn around. I told myself that he was the very last person I wanted to see, but instead my hand was knocking on the door before I could stop it.

I heard nothing from the other side, but a part of me knew he was in there. I knocked again, but still there was no answer. Jax had to know I was standing here, he always knew where I was. He could hear my heart beat where ever I was in the house. He just didn’t want to see me.

I didn’t care. I pushed open the door and let myself inside. It was dark and it took a minute for my eyes to adjust. When they did, I could make out a figure sitting at the desk. His long legs were propped on top of the oak. He had a bottle of scotch in his hands, a glass was sitting empty before him. As I stepped into the room more, I watched Jax take a long swig from the bottle of alcohol.

“That’s poison you know.” I said to him, stopping in the middle of the room.

He didn’t look up at me, but he nodded. He spun the bottle in his fingers, the contents inside swirling. “There’s things inside of me that I want to kill.”

I took a step forward. I could feel my body shaking, but I wasn’t afraid of him. My hand gripped the back of the chair before me so hard that my knuckles were pale white. I watched him take another swig of the drink straight from the bottle.

These were the moments that reminded me that Jax was just as damaged as I was. He didn’t look like the heartless monster that he portrayed himself to be. He wasn’t the ruthless alpha that wouldn’t think twice to rip your throat out. Here, right now, he was just a broken man.

And I was responsible for his brokenness.

I hadn’t meant to break him, but I had.

I wanted to apologize, but that wasn’t enough. It wouldn’t help. I’m sorry was just a couple of words. There was nothing I could say to him, nothing I could do. I couldn’t bring back his brother. I couldn’t go back in time and stop my father. There was nothing I could do.

But there was one thing I could do.

“I’m going to give myself up to Keera.” As soon as I said the words, the broken man before me was replaced with that ruthless beast. His blood red eyes pierced into me. I heard glass shatter and my eyes took in the claws that he’d let slip from his fingertips.

“What?” His voice sounded more beast than human.

“You heard me.” I didn’t move. He didn’t move. Nothing moved. For a moment, everything was utterly quiet except for the sound of the dripping alcohol from the broken bottle.

"No, I don’t think I did.” His body was very still as he tried to keep control of his beast that itched at his skin.

“I’m going to let Keera kill me, Jax.” I said again.

Suddenly, he was on his feet. He moved so fast that my eyes barely caught it. The remaining pieces of the bottle went flying and crashed against the wall. He rounded the desk and stalked towards me. I didn’t move. He placed his hands on the arms of the chair on either side of me and leaned down close to me.

“You will do no such thing.” His alcohol filled breath fanned across my face as he growled.

I put my hands flat against his chest and pushed him away from me. He stumbled back, eyes still glowing bright red. “I’ve told you before, Jax, you don’t control me!”

I rose from the chair and made my way towards the door. He prowled after me. I had my hand on the door knob when he ripped me away from it. He spun me around and pushed my back against the wall. He placed his hands on either side of my head, trapping me in place.

“I’ve sacrificed everything to protect you.” His face was so close to me. “Everything! So, don’t you dare think that you can go and get yourself killed! You will not let my brother die in vain!”

“Why won’t you let her kill me?” I questioned him, my eyes searching his.

“I just can’t.” He said in a whisper, keeping me trapped in place.

“It would be easy, you know.” I told him. “All your troubles would be over. You’d get your revenge.”

He said nothing.

“That’s what you wanted right? To kill me. You said it yourself.” I was basically pleading with him now. I wanted it to end: the pain, the guilt, the suffering inside of me. I wanted it to be over and this was the only way.

He leaned in closer to me, his nose almost brushing against mine, “You want to die so badly?”

I said nothing, but I knew he saw the answer in my eyes.

He moved one of his hands from the wall and put it against my throat. I felt the tips of his claws in my skin. Tears streamed down my cheeks, but I wasn’t afraid. I was ready. He leaned in close and his lips tickled against my ears, “You’d let me kill you right now?”

I reached forward and fisted my hands in his shirt, pulling him closer.

He applied a little pressure to my neck, I felt the sharp prick of his claws. There was nothing but the hammer of our heart beats. He stared into my eyes and I saw the blood in them melt away. I felt his claws retreat into his skin. “And that’s exactly why I won’t.”

He pushed away from the wall, but I kept him close. I pulled him back to me with my hands still gripped tight in his t-shirt. “You coward!” I growled. “It’s going to happen anyway.”

He shook his head, “No, Kanin, I will never let that happen.”

“Why?” My voice shook.

“I used to blame you for Jamison’s death and what happened to me. I know now that it wasn’t your fault. You had nothing to do with it. You were just an accessary. But you’d do anything to take the blame. You’d do anything to make it right, to change it.”

“But I can’t change it! Nothing can change it! It happened and I’m partly to blame for it! You should hate me, Jax. You should want to kill me.” I was so angry, but not at him.

“I’m tired of hating you, Kanin.”

“It’d be easier.” I wasn’t sure what I was fighting for anymore. The words were bleeding out of me and I couldn’t stop them. The guilt and the suffering was tumbling out of my mouth, and I couldn’t get it to stop.

“It’s not. Trust me, it’s not. I’ve gone so long hating the world and it’s not easier. Hate was this gnawing darkness that started consuming me and soon it was all I knew. But the longer I let it consume me, the worse pain I felt. The more I tried to shut off my emotions and let the darkness control me, the worse the pain got. It was so dark, that I thought I’d never see the light again, Kanin.” His body trembled as he let out a heaving breath. “Don’t let it consume you like it consumed me. I don’t want that for you.”

“Then what do you want for me?”

“None of this.” He closed the distance between us, his body tight against mine. I kept my hands fisted at my sides, afraid to even move. He reached up and pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear. “I don’t want you to feel this way. I don’t you to be in danger. I don’t want Keera to kill you, despite what you may think. If I did, you’d already be dead.”

I closed my eyes tight, unable to meet his heavy stare. I felt his finger run down the length of my face, leaving goosebumps in their wake. When I opened my eyes again, his face was closer than before. He was getting closer with each beat of my frantic heart. His eyes jumped from mine down to my lips.

“For what it’s worth,” I saw the blood swell in his eyes and knew it wasn’t because his wolf was angry. “I’m glad you ruined my life.”

In a split second, I reached up and gripped the back of his neck tight in my shaking fingers. I pulled him the rest of the way to me in a flash. Our lips crashed together, matching our frantic hearts. I felt his hands roam across the small of my back. He pushed me tighter against the wall. Our kiss was frantic and wild, filled with tears and pain.

And I loved every single second of it.