Kanin

I stood there, still paralyzed to that spot, for another few minutes. I could hear some of the other pack members talking behind me, but their words didn’t make sense. I heard the shuffle of feet as they disappeared back into the forest. The meeting was over which meant we could go back to our houses, but I couldn’t get my feet to obey.

Keera wanted to kill me.

Keera was going to kill me.

Her words echoed in my head. She was going to make sure I didn’t see another full moon. I wondered if she would have Ean kill me. He wouldn’t have any problem doing that. He even asked Keera if he could. My skin crawled at the thought. He’d have fun making me bleed.

Then something else snapped into my head. Keera had known my mother. Something swirled at the back of my mind, but I didn’t want to think about it. I was being buried. Buried under all these secrets and lies. I was going to drown under the weight of them. Where was the surface? What was the truth?

Tears brimmed at my eyes, threatening to spill over. I reached down and removed the heels from my feet. In a fit of anger, I sent them flying into the trees. The sound of them crashing into the bark and leaves sent birds flying into the night sky.

“Kanin.” It was Jax’s voice behind me, but he didn’t dare touch me.

I spun around in a flash, “Tell me what’s happening!”

Jax had his hands shoved into his front pockets. His broad shoulders were hunched in defeat. His wolf’s eyes still swirled at the surface. He kept his lips pressed in one thin line, not opening his mouth to answer me.

That night at the club came flashing back into my mind. That was first time I’d seen Jax. I hadn’t known who he was back then, or maybe some part of me had. I had felt the uneasy fire in my stomach even then.

“How long have you been watching me? Even before that night in the club?” I asked, my voice merely a whisper on the wind, but he heard me loud and clear.

Something flashed in his eyes. Shock? I wasn’t sure. “How did you know I’d been there?”

“I saw you at the bar.” I answered, keeping my distance from him, “Was that the first time that you’d followed me?” I knew it wasn’t, but I had to hear it from him. “How long, Jax?”

“Since your mother was killed.” The words tumbled out of his mouth. His eyes searched mine quickly, waiting for a reaction.

I sucked in a breath and stumbled back a few steps. He’d been in the shadows watching me for twelve years now? Some part of me wasn’t at all surprised by this. A part of me clicked into place knowing it was true. Images flashed across my mind. All the times I thought I was being followed, every time I thought I saw a dark figure in the shadows, every time I thought I dreamt the red eyes - It’d been Jax. A part of my subconscious had been trying to tell me that Jax had been there all along.

“Jamison. He was the wolf my father killed, wasn’t he?” I asked, tears spilling down my face.

Jax’s jaw tensed when I said the name, but he nodded.

“You could’ve killed me a long time ago, but you didn’t. But you want to kill me now because my father killed Jamison? Why were you watching me all this time?” I was tumbling over my words, but I hoped Jax understood.

He looked me over once before opening his mouth, “I was eight years old when I stumbled across this little girl, alone and helpless. She was standing next to a body. I could smell the blood and it took all my self-control not to shift right then and there. I saw the look in that little girl’s eyes and knew exactly what she felt.” He took a tentative step towards me. “I knew that she would carry that night with her for the rest of her life. I knew it would change her, destroy her. I knew because I’d only been six years old when the same thing happened to my mother.” Another step. “I wanted to protect her. I wanted to make sure that nothing like that would ever happen to her again.” One more step. He was so close, too close. “So, I watched her, I followed her. I made sure she was safe.

“And while I was watching her, I was also watching her father. I saw what the anger did to him. I saw it consume him. I saw it turn him into something that he should have never become. It blinded him. He vowed to kill everything and everyone that he thought was responsible for his wife’s murder. He was blinded.

“I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop him. Because that little girl had already lost so much. She couldn’t lose any more. I made sure that the father never caught on to my trail, or any of my pack’s. I made sure that my family and friends were safe from him. I told no one. I didn’t say a word to anyone about what that man was doing. Because I knew if I did, another werewolf would get rid of him. I couldn’t do that to that little girl. So, I kept quiet, knowing that every time that father left for the weekend he was killing another werewolf.” He paused, sucking in a deep breath. I felt his chest heave against mine. His wolf’s red eyes swirled in his normal grey ones. “But then Jamison followed me. He found out what I’d been doing all those nights when I disappeared.

“Jamison was so good. He promised not to tell anyone, because he knew what would happen if anyone found out. He trusted me. He trusted me that I could keep our pack safe. He trusted me that the man would never find anyone we cared about. He trusted me.” Jax let out another shaky breath and closed his eyes tight. “But I was careless. I didn’t notice that the man had picked up on our trail, on Jamison’s trail. I hadn’t accounted for Jamison, only for myself. Jamison ordered me to run. He told me he’d lead that man away. He said he’d meet me back at the house. I listened to him. I always listened to him.”

My father. That had been my father. Tears were spilling faster down my face now. That man had been my father and that little girl had been me. My heart was breaking.

“Your father ruined my life, Kanin.” Jax said to me, I could hear the pain in his voice. “In return, I wanted to ruin yours.” He reached up, as if he wanted to touch me, but he let his hand drop back to his side. “I let the rage consume me, just as your father had. I let it turn me into a monster. I let it blind me. Because it was easier to live like that, it was easier not to feel anything.

“Your father took everything from me. I wanted to take everything from him. I thought it was only fitting. I knew it wouldn’t be hard. I had spent so many years watching you, watching him. I knew exactly how I could do it. He had already lost his wife. He thought his actions were justified, he thought he’d been doing it all for you. I knew that if I took you, killed you, that he would feel just like I did.

“I could do it. Even though I spent all those years protecting you and making sure you were safe. I hated you. I hated you because you were so oblivious. You didn’t know anything. You were so blind to what was going on around you. Your father had killed Jamison and you knew nothing! I blamed you, Kanin. I blamed you for everything. If I hadn’t been so obsessed with following you around like a lost puppy, Jamison would still be alive. Things would have been so much easier if I’d never met you. I hated you for it!” Jax shook his head. “That night on the road, I meant to kill you. I was going to get it over with. But then I saw you.

“You looked at me for the first time and something snapped in me. It was like I was that little eight-year-old boy again. I was that little boy that wanted to protect that little girl. So, I took you. I told myself I’d kill you later, because I knew you should be dead. I wanted your father to pay. I wanted you to pay. But every day, every second, was harder than the last. All this time I’ve been fighting against this larger part of me that keeps telling me to kill you. But I can’t. I can’t and I want to so bad. And I hate you for it.” His chest was heaving rapidly as he finished. He had just bared his soul for me.

“Jamison was your brother, wasn’t he?” I asked in a shaky voice. I thought I could physically feel my heart breaking in my chest.

Jax nodded lightly, “My older brother. He was supposed to be alpha not me.”

“Your father was alpha, right? What happened to him?” I questioned.

“Dead. Buried six feet deep next to my brother.” There was no emotion in his voice as he said this and I didn’t push him. It wasn’t my business why he sounded as if he didn’t care that his he was dead.

Jax had been through so much. My father had done something horrible to him. I would never be able to forgive him for it.

“I’m sorry.” I said in one rushed breath. “I am so sorry, Jax.” There was so much more I wanted to say, wanted to tell him. There was so much I wanted to thank him for, but I couldn’t find the words to do so. Maybe he could see it in my eyes, hear it in my heart beat. Maybe he already knew. “Jax, I-”

“Don’t, okay, just don’t.” He stepped away from me, creating a distance between us that broke my heart even more. “I tried to convince myself that I was protecting you. I tried telling myself that you were safer with me then with your father. I didn’t want you turning out like him. Even if you didn’t know you were. He was training you to do exactly what he does and I didn’t want that for you. But look what I’ve done.” Jax looked so broken before me. I could see that little eight-year-old boy in his eyes, that little boy that just wanted nothing more than to protect. He was so broken and I wanted nothing more than to fix him. “Keera is going to kill you because of me. Ean is hunting you because of me. They know what you are to me so they won’t stop until you are dead.”

“They would have found me either way, Jax. Keera said herself that she wanted me to be punished for Jamison’s death. She would have just come looking for me anyway. At least I’m safer here then I would be if I was back at home with my father.” I paused at the mention of home. “Besides, right now I don’t want to be anywhere near my father for what he’s done.”

“He thought he was protecting you.” Jax said to me.

I looked him over for a moment. Suddenly, remembering something he’d said. “Go back, go way back. You said my father was killing everyone he thought was responsible for my mother’s death?” Everything clicked into place. My knees threatened to buckle underneath me. “No.” I shook my head. New, angry tears spilled down my cheeks. “Jax, no.”

Jax said nothing as everything started to become clearer: my father’s intentions, his actions, that night my mother was killed.

“Say it.” I begged. Jax started shaking his head “Say it!” I needed him to say the words to make it true.

“It was a werewolf that killed your mother.”

The words hit me like a ton of bricks. The breath was knocked clean out of my lungs. I stood there gasping for air like a first out of water. My head was spinning. Werewolves killed my mother. I wanted so bad for it to be a lie, just like everything else in my life had been. I wanted this to be the one lie that I was okay with. I had wanted answers, I wanted the truth, but now I wish I could take them back. These truths were too real, too harsh. My father killed werewolves because they had killed my mother. Revenge.

I placed my hand to my chest, feeling my erratic heartbeat to make sure I was still alive. I was numb. I couldn’t feel my toes digging into the muddy forest floor. I couldn’t feel the cool summer breeze nipping at my bare back and shoulders. I couldn’t feel the tears spilling down my face. I couldn’t feel my knees buckling.

I saw Jax reach for me. I jumped away from him, “Don’t touch me!”

I looked at him for a moment. I studied the pain in his, pain the now mirrored my own. My eyes jumped to Cade. He was standing at the edge of clearing, staring at me with concern filled eyes. He’d heard everything. Trent was beside him, concern in his eyes as well.

Oh, no.

“Kanin, it’s okay.” Jax whispered, reaching for me one more time.

"Okay?!” I was screaming and I didn’t care who heard. “How is any of this okay?”

“Kanin, calm down.” Jax warned. His wolf’s eyes rose to the surface for a moment. He still had his hand outstretched towards me, like at any moment he would grab onto me.

I couldn’t let him. I didn’t want him to. My eye snapped to Cade, then Trent, and Jax one last time. I spun around and in a flash, bolted for the woods. Away from the clearing, away from the wolf’s, away from Jax. If I stayed any longer, I would drown. I heard someone call my name as I crashed into the lining of the trees, but I wasn’t paying attention. I only cared about putting as much distance between the clearing and me as I could.

I kept running despite my feet being bare. I moved faster with each pounding of my heart. I swerved through the trees, jumping over the obstacles in my path. The forest was just one blur around me as I ran. I kept running even when my lungs protested.

Suddenly and all at once, my body gave out. I hit the forest floor with a thud. I gripped the leaves and mud under me in shaky fists. My tears mixed with the earth that caked my face. My hair was matted down my back from running so fast and for so long. I could barely feel my legs that were curled to my chest. My eyes were open, but it was so dark that I was staring at only the enveloping darkness. I wasn’t afraid. I was only numb.

I was so tired. I was so numb. I let my mind drift away, along with it everything else around me, until I was aware of nothing else.