Chasing River

The Beginning Of The End

‘And it was exactly as I feared, the inevitable beginning of the end.’

IT WAS Christmas morning and it was already snowing outside, the buildings and pavement were coated in a thick blanket of white. Not to mention it was like 3° outside and as someone who was used to the hot weather in Jacksonville and Nairobi, this was torturous. I walked around the house in fluffy socks, two layers of clothing, and a blanket I wrapped myself in. River was baking a carrot cake to take to his parent’s house today for Christmas, we’d be spending the day there. Just then my phone started ringing, it was papa, so I picked it up.

‘Merry Christmas Oyana.’ Papa greeted joyfully and I could hear Jaadi’s voice asking for the phone on the other side,

‘Thank you for calling, Merry Christmas papa.’ I replied, ‘I hate that this is my first Christmas without you guys.’

‘The house feels empty without you, but knowing that your heart is full in Paris brings me comfort.’ Papa said warmly, ‘I hope that River is treating you well nne?’

I turned my gaze to River, who was covered in flour and mixing away at the bowl, a serious expression on his face that made me giggle. He then turned to the kettle and poured me a mug of hot cocoa, just as he was about to hand it to me he pressed it against his cheek to check the temperature, he did that often- he knew I didn’t like it when it was too hot. I loved that he paid attention to the things many would overlook, I loved that he cared enough to do so.

‘He does, I hope you can visit soon and get to know each other better, he’s almost as hard-headed as you are so you would take an easy liking to him,’ I assured him and he laughed,

‘Your brother wishes to speak to you, let me hand him the phone,’ Papa said as he handed the phone to Jaadi,

‘How could you just leave without telling me?’ He asked running upstairs with the phone, ‘You never even said goodbye, I woke up and I was all alone again.’

‘I’m sorry Jaadi, I really am but I had to leave in a hurry. It was an unexpected flight.’ I apologized,

‘You could’ve woken me up.’ He retorted and I sighed,

‘Yes I could’ve and I’m sorry I didn’t. Merry Christmas, I hope you have the best day Jaadi.’ I said in one last attempt to change the topic,

‘Merry Christmas.’ He said then the line went silent for a moment before he spoke, ‘Mama says merry Christmas too.’ And the call disconnected.

River walked over to me from behind the counter and lifted me onto it so I was seated on the edge as he walked to the space between my legs and pressed his forehead against mine.

‘What’s wrong ma lumière?’ He asked softly, ‘Talk to me.’

‘I feel bad for leaving Jaadi alone this Christmas, I hate that he has to be caught in the middle of this,’ I admitted and he caressed my cheek,

‘I know, I’m sorry it has to be this way.’ He apologized and I paused,

‘I’m not.’ I realized, ‘I regret nothing, I know mama will come around eventually. She’s warming up to us slowly.’ I assured him,

‘Can I ask you something?’ He asked leaning down and his hair brushed my forehead,

‘Anything,’ I replied,

‘Do you really think your papa would like me?’ He asked looking me in the eye and I gave him a little laugh,

‘Of course, he would, papa would probably even like you for the sole reason that I like you.’ I remarked, ‘You’ll know him better someday, hopefully, if you plan on sticking around long enough.’

‘You’re wearing my clothes, sitting on our counter, you convinced me to bake an entire cake, you spent €300 yesterday on a designer hello kitty blanket and you have your hand halfway up my shirt right now.’ River stated and I moved my hand away spitefully, ‘Need I say more?’

‘Okay fine I get it,’ I laughed wrapping my arms around his neck to hold him closer before planting a kiss on his lips, ‘now let’s get going before we’re too late, it’s a bit of a lengthy drive.’

‘We still have time.’ He insisted pressing his lips to my neck tortuously, ‘How would you like to spend it?’

‘Just like this..’ I whispered.

‘You know that I love you right?’ He whispered back into my ear,

‘Of course I do.’ I acknowledged, and his eyes darkened with lust,

‘Because I’m about to fuck you like I hate you.’ He declared and I swallowed hard as he kissed me hungrily and we practically ripped each other’s clothes off.

‘I will never get tired of this,’ I assured him breathlessly.

And I never did.

We drove all the way to his parent’s house, the roads were almost impossible to get through because of the snow but luckily a few sweepers were clearing them. There was nothing better than Christmas in Paris, and I didn’t think there was anywhere else I’d rather have been during the holidays. All the houses were so beautifully decorated in this part of the city and we drove by a church choir singing Christmas carols and River decided to tip them €100 each to get into what he called ‘the spirit of giving back’. It was nice of him, really nice of him.

We parked the car in the driveway and made our way inside, I almost forgot how massive the place was. River’s mom opened the door and greeted us joyfully with welcoming hugs, she was wearing one of those cheesy reindeer Christmas sweaters and she had this warm energy about her that I couldn’t quite explain. Watching the way she cared for River; offering to tie his shoelaces even though he was 6’4, wiping away little eyelashes away from his cheek so they didn’t fall into his eye, brushing his hair away from his face, correcting him when he mispronounced something and making sure he got it right, made me realise that this is what a mother’s love is supposed to look like.

A mother’s love is meant to be the purest thing, no strings attached, free and unconditional, you needn’t have to earn it. Violette told me that nineteen years later she still saw River as an extension of herself, of her heart and It made me wonder if my own mother ever saw me that way. It took me long enough to realize that you’re not supposed to work to earn your parent’s affection, you’re not supposed to sacrifice your happiness just so that they can deem you worthy, you’re just supposed to do the best you can. I wanted her to get the chance to know me as a person and not just as her trophy.

We settled into the living room which was elegantly decorated with an evergreen Christmas tree in the middle with a bunch of presents underneath. I wondered who on earth they were all for as it was only the two of them in the house. I once thought that River looked more like his mom than anything but now that I’d seen his father I realized that he looked like a younger version of him. Except for the fact that River’s dad had darker green eyes and was shorter than him by a few noticeable inches.

‘Thank you for dragging this one home to spend Christmas with us, Armani, I’ve heard a lot about you.’ He spoke, with a heavy French accent like River, and said my name the exact way he did which made me giggle.

‘All good things I hope.’ I prattled, ‘Nothing too bad.’

‘Not as yet.’ He replied with a low chuckle, ‘What brings you to spending Christmas at the Blackwoods?’

‘I’m sorry, Blackwoods?’ I asked and River turned to me sheepishly,

‘Kennedy is my middle name,’ he shrugged as though it was only a minor detail I overlooked, ‘Blackwood is my last, I just rarely use it on paper.’

‘River, how many times do I have to tell you to start using your father’s name!’ Violette exclaimed swatting him on the arm,

‘If I did, everyone would know who I am.’ He proclaimed defensively, ‘and they’ll think it’s an excuse as to how far I’ve come with my art.’

‘Hope that’s the last skeleton in your little closet,’ I whispered to him playfully and he laughed,

‘Maybe, maybe not.’ He shrugged and then I swatted him on the arm,

‘Ow!’ He groaned, ‘Why is everyone on my case today?’

‘Because you’re insufferable.’ I grinned, ‘But I love you for it.’

‘Sebastiàn, did you hear that she said she loves him you owe me a trip to the Maldives this April!’ Violette squealed clapping her hands,

‘Your first relationship is already costing me so much.’ His dad groaned, kissing her on the cheek, the way he looked at her alone made me want to melt, and he placed his hand over her belly, ‘Hopefully you won’t fall in love for a very long time my girl.’

‘So what brings you here today Armani, how come you didn’t go home for the holidays?’ Violette asked,

‘My mother isn’t very fond of my relationship with River, and we just need some space apart right now.’ I explained trying my best not to go into detail about it ‘I hope it’s not a bother that I’m here unexpectedly.’

‘Of course not sweetheart, know that you’re most welcome here whenever you want. If you ever need a family, we’re more than happy to be there for you.’ Violette beamed, placing her hand on mine, ‘I know what it’s like to have tough parents, they gave me everything but their love which I so desperately needed. It’s also why I ran away to Paris and married this amazing man right here and he gave me the second love of my life which you now call your own.’

‘Thank you for having me, really.’ I thanked her and I turned my gaze to River who appeared to be lost in thought as he stared out the window. ‘Hey, what’s on your mind?’

‘Nothing.’ He dismissed but I threaded my hand through his own,

‘You can lie to anyone but me.’ I reminded him and he got up and pulled me along with him,

‘Maman I’m just going to show Armani the garden,’ He announced, ‘Aurez-vous besoin de quelque chose?’ Will you need anything?

‘No thank you, I won’t, and what have I told you about speaking formally in French with me, you know I’m no good at it even after all these years!’ She scolded him and I laughed.

We took a walk to the garden outside and all the flowers were coated with thick blankets of snow on their petals, it was beautiful, undeniably consuming. I hugged myself from the cold and turned my gaze back to River who was pacing back and forth amongst the dandelions and running his hands through his hair.

‘I think I’m ready.’ He said stopping in front of me,

‘To do what exactly?’ I asked, ‘I’m confused.’

‘I think I’m ready to tell my parents about Jace and me, I was thinking that maybe they deserve to know and they’re nice people I guess they wouldn’t care right?’ He ranted and I took a step closer looking up at him,

‘I will support you no matter what you choose to do, and yes I do think that your parents would be very kind and accepting about it,’ I told him,

‘My mother is very religious and follows the church with her whole heart, I- I don’t want to disappoint her, she doesn’t deserve that.’ River sighed sitting down on a grey stone bench by the fountain, I took a seat next to him,

‘You wouldn’t be disappointing her, you’d simply be living your truth and if she can’t accept that then it doesn’t matter. I accept you, you accept you and that’s enough.’ I assured him and he reached out to intertwine his pinky with my own,

‘J’ai peur qu’elle me déteste pour ça.’ He expressed, I fear that she will hate me for it,

‘Elle ne pourra jamais te détester, mon amour.’ She could never hate you, my love, I assured him lovingly and he leaned his head onto my shoulder intimately.

‘I hope.’ He replied.

We made our way back inside and he didn’t let go of my hand, not until we sat back down in the living room and he told his parents that he had something important to tell them and they sat down opposite us.

‘Please don’t tell me you guys are having a baby too-‘ His dad started and Violette punched his arm,

‘Sebastiàn!’ She warned,

‘River I thought I gave you the talk like five years ago what happened?’ He groaned, ‘Come on Violette we were both thinking it and I happened to think he would make a um….decent parent.’

‘She’s not pregnant, papa.’ River retorted, ‘But I won’t speak for her, I don’t know are you?’

‘Oh God no I’m not!’ I laughed flusteredly, ‘Thank you so much for your concern!’

‘I wanted to talk to you about Jace.’ River said breaking the ice, and turning the attention away from me thankfully, “More specifically about Jace and I.’

‘Aww honey are you still having a tough time dealing with his passing, we’re here for you, always you know that,’ Violette said warmly,

‘Let the boy finish.’ His dad refuted,

‘I- um- I- well he-‘ River muttered and I held his hand in support and he shut his eyes and took a deep breath before attempting to speak again, ‘He and I were closer than you think.’

‘What are you trying to say?’ Violette asked, her expression turning serious,

‘I’m trying to say that we were together.’ River clarified but it was still clear that his parents were beyond clueless,

‘Together as in….’ Violette asked once more,

‘Together in all the ways, people that love each other are maman,’ River concluded and her eyes filled with tears and she took a deep breath,

‘I’m sorry maman I-‘ he began but she stood up and pulled him into her arms lovingly,

‘Don’t be sorry mijo, don’t you ever be sorry. I love you so much and I love that you found love with him.’ She cried and she was standing on her tiptoes to reach his height, ‘You’re so brave for being able to tell us this, it couldn’t have been easy for you.’

‘It wasn’t, believe me.’ He stated looking at me over her shoulder and mouthing the words thank you.

‘Sebastiàn get up right now and congratulate your son on having the courage to come out to us today!’ she gestured with a frown then proceeded to go back and hug him anyways, ‘this is the best Christmas present I could’ve ever gotten.’

‘Would it be wrong if I said that I already knew?’ His dad commented and Violette shot him a warning glare, ‘But congratulations, I’m so proud of you River.’

So this is what unconditional love and acceptance looked like, this is what fifteen-year-old me needed more than anything and she never got it. I wondered how different my life would’ve been if I grew up with parents like Violette and Sebastiàn, how different I would be. But then I realized that I wouldn’t know the things I know now, I wouldn’t treasure the love I have for him the way I did, and I wouldn’t know what it means to struggle.

So maybe I didn’t want it easy.

We spent the rest of the evening eating a lovely dinner prepared by his parents because they insisted that the chefs go home for Christmas and that it was tradition to cook for themselves for the holidays. I hated to admit it but I never felt so welcome and so at home, even back in Jacksonville with my own family.

I hated that it was starting to feel like home.

Once dinner was over we made our way back to the living room to open all the gifts, I watched them open all their gifts for each other and I thought about how my family never did this either. River and I had picked up a bunch of baby clothes from the mall yesterday and gift-wrapped them for his mom and she was currently fangirling over them.

‘Thank you so much for the clothes.’ She smiled, ‘We would’ve gotten you a thing or two too if we knew you were tagging along.’

‘No problem, and it’s okay really,’ I assured her, ‘Just being able to spend time with a kind family during the holidays is a gift within itself.’

They got River a fair number of gifts, paint pots, and blank canvases, and Violette impulsively handed him the keys to his dad’s new neon green and black Ford mustang as what she called a ‘coming out present’, which he thanked them for but assured them he didn’t need.

‘Did you really think I forgot about you?’ River whispered in my ear handing me a gift as well, wrapped in silver paper, ‘Merry Christmas, Armani, I’m so grateful to have you in my life too.’

I unwrapped the gift and there it was, I couldn’t believe it, the first edition copy of treasure island by Robert Louis Stevenson. I only ever held it once but I remembered the texture of the dark green hardcover and old pages, I also remembered how expensive it was.

‘I can’t possibly accept this-‘ I flustered,

‘Please, Accept it.’ He insisted and I wrapped my arms around him lovingly, and he placed a kiss on my cheek. ‘Dead men don’t bite,’

He remembered.

‘Thank you so much, I got you something too,’ I recalled reaching into my handbag and handing him a little box.

It was a necklace with the cross charm he broke the other night, I’d taken it to the local jeweller and gotten it fixed and put it on a brand new chain. His eyes lit up when he saw it.

‘This is the best gift I’ve ever gotten,’ River said softly, and I reached around him to put it around his neck.

‘And you say this with the keys to my new car in your hand?’ His dad asked sarcastically and I laughed,

‘It’s the thought that counts.’ I retorted playfully.

‘Thank you,’ River acknowledged, ‘For the thought, for thinking of me, always.’