Chasing River

A Betrayal Of The Heart

Flashback 3 years ago, River, Jace, Keomi, Merilla, Geneviève & Fabian, ages 16

THE SUMMER had only just begun, and it was the middle of the school holiday. The six friends were at a camping retreat somewhere in the mountains, it was a rather luxurious one at that, their private school had invested a lot into bringing their 11th-grade class there for the week.

Merilla and Keomi were camp counsellors that year and in charge of organizing all the events, they’d gotten a little bossy but understandably so because it was a difficult task.

Fabian was helping his current crush Elle catch up on her holiday assignments that’d piled up, and it was quite the struggle because it was no secret that the girl wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. But he liked her well enough, she was pretty, with big brown eyes and curly bowed pigtails she was the object of all his fascination. He hoped that by the end of their camping trip, he’d finally get the courage to ask her to be his girlfriend, he’d planned it out many times in his mind. Keomi watched idly from her place beside Merilla, chewing at the tip of her pen anxiously.

“Hey, you two!” Merilla called out to River and Geneviève who were seated by the fireplace having their morning coffee and having an in-depth conversation about how bored they were. “Aren’t you going to help?”

“Need I remind you all that I was practically dragged here against my will?” Geneviève groaned.

“And you’ll Thank us later, trust me you wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on all this,” Keomi assured her.

“On mosquitoes, hiking and cheap coffee?” River scorned. “Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“You’re such a city boy Kennedy, what’s wrong can’t handle the outdoors for a few days?” Merilla teased.

“No, actually I cannot,” River stated, blankly staring at the awful-tasting coffee in his mug.

“Then why did you come?” Geneviève wondered.

Just then River felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked up and smiled, Jace’s skin was golden and tanned from the midday sun, his hair Sandy and wet. He had just returned from the lake, a towel thrown over his shoulder.

That’s why. River thought to himself. He is why.

“Oh come on leave him alone will you, you brought a hair straightener with you!” Jace argued and Merilla’s cheeks flushed in frustration.

“Hey! In my defence, you have no idea how hard curly hair is to manage Monet.” Merilla scolded and Jace threw his hands up in defeat.

“Sure. Anyways, what activities are you guys signed up for today?” Jace asked curiously, his hand gently stroking River’s shoulder.

“I’m going sailing with Gene in a few hours,” Keomi answered and Geneviève blocked her ears in disapproval.

“I can’t hear you, I’m taking a nap!” Gene yelped in response.

“I’m teaching chess to a few of the others,” Merilla told him.

“Since when do you know how to play chess?” Jace wondered.

“Jace, darling you’re always so caught up in your own little world.” Merilla laughed with a deep sigh. “I’ve always known.”

“You just never noticed.” River looked up and told him, he never quite noticed it but whenever he spoke to Jace his voice was always a little softer, a little gentler.

“And here I was thinking I noticed everything.” Jace sighed leaning against the wall seeming rather wistful.

“Anyways we’ll catch up with you boys later, we’re off to paint our nails and gossip about you behind closed doors,” Keomi stated grabbing hold of Geneviève’s hand.

“And here I was thinking we were friends.” River hummed. “Don’t speak too ill on my name.”

“They love us don’t worry.” Jace laughed.

The very instant the girls were gone Jace sat down beside River, leaning on his hand and staring at him with his father’s enchanting eyes. He smiled at River.

“What is it?” River asked knowingly.

“Can’t I just stare at you because you’re beautiful?” Jace flirted effortlessly and River rolled his eyes at him playfully. “There’s that attitude I know and love.”

“I don’t have an attitude,” River grumbled.

“Yes, you do,” Jace argued.

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, beautiful you do.” Jace finalised sneaking his hand onto River’s knee.

“You’re killing me.” River retorted.

“Maybe we should participate in an activity,” Jace suggested and River was immediately dreading the idea.

“Please, nothing to do with hiking.” River scorned.

“Hmm, I was thinking that maybe we could do our own thing, just the two of us.” Jace suggested, “We could go up to the peak and watch the view, I heard it’s great up there.”

“Just the two of us?” River thought out loud,

“As it always has been, always will be,” Jace affirmed standing up, he reached his hand out to River and he timidly latched onto it, threading his fingers through his.

“Okay.” River nodded, “Let’s meet up there at sunset.”

Keomi, Geneviève and Merilla waited patiently in their cabin for their activities to commence, painting each other’s nails and giggling about trivial things. As Merilla painted Keomi’s nails a bright shade of yellow she looked up at the girl, a heavy question weighing on her chest.

“Hey Ke you wouldn’t mind if I asked you something would you?” Merilla lingered, catching her attention.

“Of course, you know you can talk to me about anything!” Keomi assured her, taken aback by her formality.

“Well, this isn’t about me this time it’s about you,” Merilla explained and Genevièveimmediately perked up.

“Well now I’m interested, do air your grievances.” Gene encouraged me.

“When are we going to discuss the Fabian thing?” Merilla deadpanned and Keomi’s eyes widened in shock.

“I—I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Keomi lied.

“Come on Keomi, I see how you look at him and how sad you get when he’s with other girls. I’ve been watching you silently pining over him for months.” Merilla expressed.

“I mean, it is true. It’s kind of obvious that you have feelings for him.” Genevièvestated and Keomi swallowed hard.

“Whatever I feel doesn’t matter, he’s obviously into Elle right now. And then after her it’ll be someone else, there’s never enough room for me in his heart as more than a friend so just…drop it okay?” Keomi asked, looking down and fidgeting with her fingers.

“Okay I’ll drop it but, sometimes it’s better to just be honest and hope for the best.” Merilla comforted her, placing a hand on hers.

“Yeah and if he doesn’t like you back then, then it’s him who’s the problem because you’re an amazing person and no stupid boy is ever worth making you feel so uncertain,” Geneviève spoke rather directly.

“Maybe someday.” Keomi sighed glancing out the window, watching as Fabian made his way up to the peak with Elle and her friends, looking at everyone who wasn’t her as always.

River and Jace lay beside each other on the soft blanket watching the sunset in the east, the weather was perfect and so was the view. Jace gently placed his hand over River’s and at that moment longing was enough, for him, it was enough. Jace didn’t have to know how much it pained him to have to only hold hands with him behind closed doors, to always have to remain hushed about his affection. But he was willing to have his attention in any way that he could, any way that Jace was willing to share it.

For having him in pieces was better than having none of him at all.

“Do you think, that maybe someday we could go on a real date in Paris, and at least be honest with our friends about us?” River asked nervously, his blue eyes glinting in the sunlight.

“No.” Jace refuted, “I like it this way.”

Well, I don’t. River longed to say. I hate it this way.

“Well… we always do what you want to,” River spoke like a double-edged sword, aiming to hurt and be hurt.

“Don’t be too upset now.” Jace sighed, placing a hand on River’s thigh. “You’re so much more fun when you’re not all caught up in trivialities.”

“My love for you, is no triviality,” River argued.

“I know.” Jace smiled leaning in to kiss him, tangling his fingers through the other boy’s dark hair. Almost as if he were kissing him to wash away the doubt, to drown away his own insecurities. He leaned over him and River wrapped his arms around his waist, looking up at him in a way that said I’ve already forgotten. And when his lips met his once more they heard a voice from the clearing in the woods behind them.

“Oh my God…” Fabian spoke, his eyes wide with surprise.

“Fabian.” Jace gasped crawling off of River.

“What is…oh.” Fabian slowly realised stepping back, placing a hand over his mouth. “Ah, I see.”

“I promise that it’s not what you think—” Jace began.

“You don’t have to explain anything,” Fabian assured him shaking his head with a mischievous grin. “I get it, it’s the Kennedy effect, everyone falls eventually.”

“I’m right here,” River stated blankly.

“Wait, I’m going to go talk to him I’ll fix this.” Jace panicked, getting up and making his way over to Fabian in the woods away from River.

“How long has this been going on?” Fabian asked out of mere curiosity.

“That doesn’t matter, it just happened I swear,” Jace argued, remembering how much trouble he’d be in at home if anyone were to ever find out.

“You know, we’d never judge you guys or anything. I mean it’s your business of course but we are your friends for a reason.” Fabian commented.

“I need you to promise me that you’re not going to tell anyone.” Jace pleaded, “Please.”

“But—”

“Please Fabian I’ll do anything just don’t tell!” Jace asked frantically.

“I was going to say that I had no intention of telling anyone, really it’s just…none of my business. I can wish you’d have opened up to me all you want but if that’s not what you wanted there’s nothing I can do. It’s okay man, chill.” Fabian reassured him, but it was evident that Jace was still on edge.

“Okay…thanks.” Jace sighed in relief.

“Anytime.” Fabian nodded before catching up with the girls by the peak, ready to make his move with Elle.

And yet to Fabian’s surprise when he began to approach, he overheard the girls talking about how Elle was so smart, as to have strung Fabian along that whole time, and her ploy to get with River. That getting close to Fabien would mean getting closer to her original goal of hooking up with Kennedy. Fabian’s heart immediately sunk at the realization that she had never really liked him, and he had never stood a chance. He was frustrated and hurt, maybe even angry. He was swimming in a cesspool of his own emotions, toxic and overwhelming. He was so sick of always being second place to his own friend, despite the fact that he and River had never really been that close. But just as Fabian was about to approach and confront her, he noticed the group of girls, poking fun at Claudia, the least popular girl in the group who was fairly new at their school. They were daring her to do something that she didn’t want to, and she was getting nervous, he watched them from behind the tree as they gasped, and then he heard an ear piercing scream, and immediately knew that something had gone horribly wrong.

“Let’s get out of here!” Elle called out.

“We can’t just leave her here she’s hurt?” One of the girls argued in a burst of tears.

“We were never here Vera,” Elle spoke sternly before they ran.

Just then Jace ran up behind him, “What the hell happened I heard a scream?”

“I—I uh I didn’t hear anything.” Fabian lied.

The two boys watched as the medic and police showed up and took Claudia away, she had broken her leg and Fabian had seen it all. He knew it was no accident, he knew she had been pushed, she had been bullied.

“Fabian, you have to tell the police what you saw.” Jace insisted.

“I have nothing to say, I don’t know anything.” Fabian refused, and Jace was perplexed.

“What do you mean you don’t know anything, you were there, you saw everything that happened and you can help the police know what really happened to that girl,” Jace explained.

“I have a lot on the line, my scholarship— everything. I can’t risk being under suspicion of anything by the police.” Fabian scoffed.

“Are you serious?” Jace wondered taken aback.

“There’s more than one story going on here, and I can’t risk mine ending the wrong way.” Fabian dismissed.

“Listen if you won’t tell the police then I will, this isn’t right—” Jace prompted about to make his way over to the cops but Fabian grabbed hold of his arm.

“If you speak a word to the police, then I will tell everyone about what I saw between you and Kennedy earlier.” Fabian threatened and Jace’s stomach dropped.

“Y-you’ll what?” He muttered.

“You heard me, an eye for an eye,” Fabian warned.

“Makes the whole world blind.” Jace clarified shaking his head in disappointment before walking away.

A year ago, a day before the crash

KEOMI’S POV

I lay bare beside Fabien between my sheets in the summer heat, I had waited for this for a long time, for him to make love to me. But I knew that what he felt during our little spontaneous moment of passion was not love, but desperation and a need to take the company of a body other than his own. I watched him watching me, as he gazed up at the ceiling of my little dorm room. He was beautiful to me, I wish all the girls he chased after could see that.

‘This,’ Fabien said, trailing his finger along my side, ‘Cannot happen again, do you understand me?’

‘It’s not like I forced you inside of me Fabes.’ I shrugged gathering the sheets so he could not see my body, I was starting to feel like he didn’t deserve to.

‘Indeed,’ he figured with that boyish grin that could melt me into honey, ‘But it was careless on both our parts and it can’t afford to ever happen again. It won’t end well, we have to prioritise our friendship over everything,’

‘Fine.’ I spat bitterly sitting up in bed, ‘If I was just your rebound you can leave now, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.’

‘I wouldn’t just leave you Keomi, you’re my best friend and I do love you.’ Fabien soothed running his free hand through my hair, love he called it, but not the kind I felt, ‘I don’t plan on making this a big deal.’

‘And at what cost, best friend?’ I asked and he smiled, undressing me once more with his gaze alone, ‘you taught me better than anyone that there is nothing free in this world, so name your price?’

‘Une simple faveur.’ He purred looking at me in a way that made it nearly impossible to say no, but I kept my wits about me.

“Depends on what this simple faveur is, do clarify.’ I requested,

‘I need to talk to Jace and tell him that I didn’t mean what I said before about snitching about him and Kennedy, I was just mad.’ Fabien confessed, ‘Then again he must’ve known Elle was only using me to get to him and he let it happen,& I’m so sick of him always getting his way.’

“River didn’t know, come on,” I told him. “Jace has been off lately, he’s being flakey and seems panicky all the time too.”

“Exactly…I think it’s because of what I said before.” Fabian expressed.

“I don’t know why you won’t just tell me what you saw happen between him and River.” I groaned. “It can’t be that big of a secret.”

“Oh, you have no idea…” Fabian sighed. “Just promise me you’ll talk to him.”

This was typical of Fabien Lyon, he just never knew how to accept defeat, he didn’t know that when it comes to affairs of the heart there isn’t much one can do to change the fates. I hated that he drooled over girls like Elle who will never even see how amazing he is, and will never appreciate it. Why couldn’t he see that I’d been here all along and that I was the only one for him? Perhaps this simple favour of his, if I agreed to do it, would finally make him realise that I was willing to do anything for him and that I’m the girl he needs to set his eyes on. I was right in front of him and he didn’t see me, even after he was just inside me, he didn’t fucking see me.

It would be in everyone’s best interest to remember that I’d choose Fabien Lyon over anything.

“I don’t know if Jace will listen to me though, maybe you should talk to him. I’m worried about what will happen if we don’t.” I expressed.

‘I thought you said you wanted to help me?’ Fabian scoffed and I took a deep breath.

‘Fabien is this really what you want, I mean he is your friend isn’t he?’ I questioned and his eyes darken, “you should be able to apologize.”

‘Not right now.’ Fabien deadpanned, his gaze then softened and he leaned in to kiss me, his kiss that I craved like it was the elixir to life itself. ‘Say you’ll help me?’

‘Say I’m the best you’ve ever had,’ I retorted rolling on top of him, ‘Say I’m everything you’ve ever wanted,’

‘Keomi I-‘ he began but I cut him off,

‘Just for one night.’ I pleaded and he took his bottom lip between his teeth,

Fabien grinned, gripping my hips and propping me on top of him and he attached his lips to my feverish neck, his kiss was hot and slow and I melted into his touch.

‘You’re the best I’ve ever had, Keomi Nakamura,’ he hummed, slipping his hand up my thigh, ‘No one does it for me like you do, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted.’

‘That’s all I’ve ever wanted.’ I sighed and I let him inside me, not just my body, but my heart too once more.

Oh, how a fool in love is the most dangerous thing.

The day of Jace’s Funeral

The Père Lachaise Cemetery was a sea of black and emptiness as the pastor read from the Bible words I didn’t understand, he told promises of this good place where all the pure souls that have long left the earth went and I wanted to believe him. Because Jace Monet was indeed all things good and pure, he was cut from the same cloth of the white doves that soared the skies, the glimmer of seawater pearls, and the sheathed fur of the lambs. He was light incarnate and I’d watched as Fabien’s cruel words took that away.

I turned my gaze to his mother and father, he held her as she cried and asked her God ‘why him’ and got nothing but the pitter-patter of the rains as a reply. I held onto my black umbrella, my knuckles whitening at the guilt and disgust of knowing what was on his mind the day he crashed the car. I knew that he felt trapped and I couldn’t help him.

I turned my gaze to River who I’d assumed would be the most devastated, but he hadn’t said a word since the accident, let alone shed a single tear. He appeared pale, numb almost and ghost-like, as though it was him in that casket instead of Jace. I watched Merilla and Geneviève speak their last words to him and I cried as they said goodbye to our friend. I could’ve stopped this, I could’ve.

I could’ve talked to him and said something. Fabien strode up behind me and placed a hand on my shoulder, one that I assumed was supposed to bring me comfort.

‘It’s okay Keomi, it wasn’t our fault.’ Fabien cooed and I shrugged away from his touch,

‘Are you out of your mind?’ I cried, ‘Yes, yes it was Fabien.’

‘Don’t you ever talk like that again, no one can hear you speak like that, do you understand me? This is my burden to carry not yours. I was the one who said words I didn’t mean.’ He said brushing my hair away from my face, his words were bitter but his expression remained eerily calm, ‘You will never have to face the consequences of my mistake.’

‘No it will be both of us, we will feel it every day perhaps not physically but here,’ I gestured tapping at the side of his forehead, ‘we will never erase the guilt, we will never erase the fact that we could’ve been there for him.’

‘Oh Keomi, you can’t say anything to anyone about this,’ Fabien said.

‘Or what?’ I spat bitterly, ‘You’re the worst thing that ever happened to me.’ I hissed, I didn’t mean it of course but perhaps in the moment I did.

‘Oh but Keomi you’re the best I’ve ever had,’ he recited, ‘You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.’

I knew I lost him when I looked into his eyes and everything I ever loved and cherished about him was gone