Chasing River

Samesies & Other Phrases

IT WAS a chilly winter morning and I was curled up next to River on the living room couch by the fireplace, skin to skin, I could feel his heartbeat under my fingers. The snow had just begun to melt and it wasn’t as chilly as it once was, the temperature wasn’t in the negatives but there was still a briskness to the air.

“Do you really have to go?” I sighed questioning him.

“Yes, I do.” He nodded, stroking his fingers down the length of my back.

“But why?” I whined pouting, “You can miss it.”

“I want to go to this vegan protest, there’s a food market afterwards that I’ve been looking forward to. It’s not every day that you go to a place where the food being prepared and served is catered solely towards you.” He expressed sitting up, his hair a little messy.

“Protests are so tiresome though.” I discouraged.

“It’s a small peaceful protest full of vegans, we don’t have the energy to cause any trouble for anyone, believe me.” He assured me with a slight laugh, but my eyebrows remained furrowed in disappointment. He then pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me, placing a hand on my chin and tilting it up so I could meet his eyes.

“Si seulement tu n’étais pas si jolie quand tu te plains.” River hummed, looking down at me through his long dark eyelashes. If only you weren’t so pretty when you complain. “Why don’t you come with me, my love?”

“Well….since you asked so nicely and are practically begging me to accompany you, why not?” I smiled and he rolled his eyes playfully, I kissed his cheek.

“I love you a lot.” River expressed slipping away from my grip and standing in the doorway of the living room, lingering for just a little while. “I hope you know that.”

“Samesies,” I responded with a giddy smile.

“Samesies?” He wondered in confusion.

“It just means me too, c’mon Kennedy catch up with the times.” I joked, tossing a pillow from the couch at him.

“Because of you, I learn something new every day.” He laughed, shaking his head.

Afterwards, we took a shower and put on warmer clothes; I wore a fluffy pink sweater with white bows and a floral dress, River always seemed so fascinated by my closet and the various arrays of colours that oriented it, he always watched with such fascination as I did the most mundane things, almost as if he couldn’t believe that I wasn’t just a figment of his imagination. Sometimes I felt as though he were merely a figment of mine too. Afterwards, we made our way to the train station, we’d be spending the day in the countryside where the protest and food market were taking place.

Once we arrived at a place called the Gallow, which was a farm with lots of land and blossoming flowers we took out our supplies and started making signs on the table alongside everyone else. If I’m being honest I wasn’t expecting so many people to show up or care about the consumption of meat in France so much. We were surrounded by hippies but they were very nice people, very passionate. I tried my best not to feel like I was in the film midsommer and that any minute I’d be required into a suspicious cult.

River and I had paint and markers staining our hands, I glanced over at his sign that read; animal agriculture is the leading cause of global warming, deforestation, species extinction, water depletion and ocean dead zones. Go green, go vegan. I smiled at how focused he appeared to be, just then he glanced over at my poster and my cheeks flushed.

“Really?” He laughed reading my sign, “Vegan from my head TO-MA-TOES? you’re not even vegan love.”

“I’m here for moral support!” I beamed holding a thumbs up. “And aren’t the little tomato drawings cute?”

“Very.” He agreed. “I appreciate you being here and always wanting to hang out with me…I’m not really used to having that.”

“Of course my beautiful boy,” I told him, grabbing hold of his hand. “We’re two peas in a pod, where you go I go.”

“Did you really just slip another vegan joke in there?” He frowned, “Armani, whoever told you that you’re a comedian lied. Enough, can we rest?”

“You’re such a meanie,” I grumbled.

“Hey, guys it’s time to start off!” A chipper brunette with extravagant face paint called out to us. “Cool posters!”

And at that we embarked on a three-hour long walk around the small town, focusing on places near popular butcheries, chanting phrases and attempting to talk to people and start a conversation about the planet and its limited resources. It became pretty clear that River knew far more about the topic than I did though, so I willingly let him do most of the talking.

Soon enough my feet began to get tired and I tugged at River’s sleeve asking if we could stop at the nearby comic book store that was having an event where people dressed up as their favourite characters.

“Please can we just look around?” I asked hopefully,

“We might lose the group…” He responded, looking back hesitantly.

“Oh come on everyone’s going to the food market anyways after, we’ll meet everyone there,” I told him.

“Okay, but only fifteen minutes then we can go get something to eat, I don’t want you not eating because of comic books.” He reckoned and I excitedly pulled him inside with me.

We made our way to the DC section and I gushed over all the collectable comics and River did his very best to pretend he knew anything about superheroes. It was kind of him to just accompany me and listen to me ranting on and on about something I was passionate about.

Just then I noticed a tall red-haired boy with curly hair and a face full of freckles staring at River from the opposite side of the shelf, every time River looked up, he glanced away with a flush on his cheeks. I overheard his sister telling him to not be a coward and just shoot his shot and I smiled at the realisation that he was totally crushing on my boyfriend.

“Don’t look now but you saw the redhead over by the Marvel shelves right?” I whispered to River,

“Yeah, why?” He wondered.

“Well, he’s totally checking you out,” I confessed.

“I— no he’s not,” River muttered, suddenly seeming shy.

“He is, I heard his sister asking him to be confident and just ask you out.” I disclosed.

“Oh.” River shrugged. “What a shame we’re basically engaged.”

“Ha ha very funny.” I rolled my eyes, “Wait engaged!”

“Ignore that, look at this cool Batman shirt.” River showed me, it was plain black with a very tiny Batman logo in the corner, it was almost unnoticeable.

“Well, it’s very you,” I assured him and he smiled.

“You think so?” He wondered propping it up.

“I know so.” I nodded, wrapping my arm around his waist and leaning onto his shoulder. I looked back and saw that the red-haired boy seemed disappointed, I mouthed the words sorry to him.

But I wasn’t sorry, River was mine and I was very happy about that.

Afterwards, we made our way back to the food market at the farm, we spread out a picnic blanket by a tree and sat down underneath the shade. River brought along Spice-Roasted Cauliflower with Green Beans and a bowl of rice for us to share. I brought back two cups of lemonade and River cringed when his was too sweet so I swapped ours out. I leaned against the bark of the tree watching the families, couples and friends having a fun time as we transitioned into the new year. It was a very eventful and happy day for me, one that perhaps I’d never forget.

I thought back to that moment in the bookstore and how that other boy was obviously checking River out but when I’d brought it up to him he almost seemed avoidant and uncomfortable, which was exactly what had led me to ask.

“Hey River?” I spoke, taking a sip from my glass as he turned to face me.

“Yes, my love?” He responded plainly.

“You like boys too, right?” I opened and I could’ve sworn he was almost blushing.

“Well…yes, I do.” He acknowledged. “But right now I like you.”

“And I never doubt that, don’t worry,” I assured him, placing my hand on his knee, the bright sun peeking through the clouds despite the winter chill. “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to conceal that part of you for my sake.”

“I know I just, I think I got used to hiding it for so long that I don’t quite realise that it doesn’t have to be a secret anymore.” He reminded himself with a weak smile.

“It really doesn’t, especially not with me. But it’s okay if you’re uncomfy talking about it all right now—”

“Actually.” He paused looking up at me, “I think I want to now.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Ask me…whatever you want to know.” He suggested and a wicked grin played across my face and I saw the instant regret in his eyes.

“Relax, I’m not going to ask anything too crazy,” I assured him.

“Oh thank God, because there are some things I don’t think you’d want to know all the details about.” He warned.

“Well…tell me, did you always know you liked boys too?”

“Actually I liked boys first.” He clarified, and I nodded listening in. “You are the first girl that I ever liked.”

“Wait really?” I gasped nearly choking on my lemonade. “And Jace?”

“Was my first crush, first kiss, first everything.” He explained, “I used to write all my valentines letters to him, I sent them all anonymously. He probably thought it was some girl from his class, he was very popular. But it was always me.”

“That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard!” I swooned and he laughed. “Tell me your first kiss story right now, I’ll tell you mine too?”

“Okay. Well, I was fifteen, we were camping on a field trip for school and we had to share a tent. We spent the whole night looking up at the stars, at that point we’d already confessed our feelings for each other but it hadn’t gone past that. He told me he wanted to try something different and told me to close my eyes, I thought he was going to prank me or something but then…well, then he just kissed me.” River spoke, tracing a finger over his lips reminiscently. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, taking him by surprise. There was a sharp intake of breath before he kissed me back slowly.

“Like that?” I wondered.

“No.” He refused, then kissed me again, this time he slid his tongue into my mouth and hit my bottom lip teasingly. “Like that.”

“You’re so pretty,” I told him and he rolled his eyes.

“Now you tell me about yours, you promised, a memory for a memory.” He reminded me.

“Well it was when I was fourteen at a sleepover during truth or dare, nothing special honestly I barely remember it.” I blathered and he seemed rather smug.

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Yes, good because from now onwards you’re only allowed to remember my kisses. All the others, don’t count.” He stated, his expression was completely serious and I laughed shoving his shoulder playfully.

“Deal, Kennedy.” I offered shaking his hand formally. “So then…what’s your type?”

“You.” He answered leaning in to kiss me once more.

“Correct answer.” I giggled.

“I don’t have one, I just like people sometimes. That’s it.” He answered.

“I like boys with pretty blue eyes,” I told him and he lifted an eyebrow.

“Finish your food, love it’s getting dark.” He reminded me, scooping a spoonful of rice and placing it in my mouth.

I could stay here with him, like this, in a field of grass talking about whatever happened to be on our hearts perhaps forever.

“I love you, River,” I said.

“Samesies.” He responded and I laughed.

Three days later

Everyone had returned home from holidays by then and I heard that Keomi’s flight had come in yesterday night. I made River drive me back to campus so I could explain my sudden move out to her because she was the sweetest souls and deserved an explanation more than anything. I felt horrible for just leaving her like that all of a sudden but I didn’t regret my decision. Living with River and spending time with his family had been so amazing and healing for me.

We’d been parked in the campus driveway rehearsing what I was going to say for at least fifteen minutes now.

‘Okay okay how about, hey Keomi I’m sorry I just got up and left all of a sudden but I like making out with my boyfriend on a balcony without having to worry about someone sleeping next to me?’ I explained and River laughed.

‘Yeah, she’s going to murder you.’ He said blankly, ‘Just be open and honest I’m sure things will work out yeah?’

‘Yeah, okay.’ I sighed leaning in to kiss him, he tasted like procrastination and I needed to go,

‘Stay.’ He insisted,

‘No.’ I retorted, giving my best River impression of being blunt and straightforward,

‘I’ll wait for you in the car.’ He told me, and I got up and left.

The second I was in the hallway to the dorms I made my way to my old dorm room and opened the door, but it was locked. I could hear hushed voices on the other side, and I knew it’d be wrong to eavesdrop but I was curious so I leaned in closer.

‘You can’t ask me to keep quiet about this any longer.’ Keomi’s voice spoke, it was more serious and intense than I’d ever heard it before, ‘You need to stop playing the fucking victim and own up to your shit.’

‘Don’t suddenly go all Hail Mary and gain a moral compass now Keomi, you’re just as guilty as I am, because you were there too. And you know what really happened.’ The other voice spoke mockingly,

‘It was all fun and games until it wasn’t and I won’t be going down with you,’ Keomi said.

And what I heard after that made me wish I learned to mind my business every once in a while. This was the second secret, the one that would change everything I thought I knew about everyone.

This was the match that lit the fire to where we are now, burning alive.