Chasing River

The Thorns That Bind Us

We must let go of the rope no matter how strenuous, if not we are the ones who’ll end up getting burned. Our minds are prisons and we are the only ones with the key to set ourselves free.

RIVER AND I were cuddled up next to each other on my dorm room bed watching the Blair witch project, I was doing my best at acting like I wasn’t terrified. We had a fluffy white blanket draped over us and my laptop was in front of us.

“Remind me why I let you suggest a horror film again?” I asked jumping slightly at a really scary part.

“Because it was my turn to choose.” He told me then wrapped his arm around me pulling me closer. “And you’re really cute when you’re scared.”

“I’m cute?” I huffed folding my arms in disapproval.

“Adorable even.” He insisted. “If you’re bored we could do something else.”

“Yeah?” I wondered tracing a gentle finger along his jawline and he grinned wickedly. “Like what?”

“I can think of a thing or two…” He alluded to, leaning in to kiss me and suddenly the movie faded into the distance. “That starts with this.” He spoke lifting my leg over his waist so I was hovering over him, “And ends with this…” His fingers then neared my lips slipping past them.

“Hmmm, I can get behind that idea.” I giggled and just as I was about to lean in to kiss him once more, the doorknob turned with a click and I gasped.

“Woah!” Keomi choked standing awkwardly in the doorway and then covered her eyes with her hands.

“Keomi!” I yelped climbing off of him. “We aren’t naked relax.”

“Yet,” River smirked and I swatted his shoulder.

“My fragile innocent eyes,” Keomi whined closing the door behind her and tossing her bag on her bed. “Oh, how ever will I recover from this?”

“You’re insufferable.” River teased her.

“Is that so?” Keomi leered.

“Whatever we know you want to, come watch the film with us!” I suggested as River and I separated to make room for her in between us.

“You mean it?” Keomi smiled.

“Yes.” River nodded and she cheered clapping her hands before jumping onto the bed, and shifting to get comfortable.

“I have the best friends ever.” Keomi hummed.

I sighed and realized that perhaps this little bed no longer had room for us, and maybe we’d need our own space eventually, one that we could make our own. Maybe someday.

I laid in bed beside him, my lover, my friend, my companion. The sun began to rise and seeped through the skylight in a warm glow, I could see now, as he traced patterns in the palm of my hand and I was draped bare over his body that there was no place I’d rather be.

‘Say you’ll stay,’ River asked, his voice soft and ridden with slumber,

‘Tonight?’ I replied looking up at him,

‘Forever.’ He clarified and reached over to his nightstand and pulled out a key with a pretty blue keychain, I took it from him and read the engraving on the side, ce qui est à moi est à toi, what’s mine is yours.

‘Only if you’ll have me.’ I retorted with a sheepish grin and he smiled,

River always had such a pretty smile; like the first rain after an unfruitful drought, the first blossom of spring- rare and worth the wait.

Just then my phone chimed and it was an email, I clicked on the icon and read it.

TO: Armani Nnandi <[email protected]>

FROM: Clarke Benson

SUBJECT: Your admission has been accepted

Good morning,

Miss A Nnandi, it is our greatest honour to inform you as the Amelie Art Gallery that your November submission “The Gemini Concept” for our new year’s display has been accepted and you have been chosen as our winner.

Congratulations!

Your cash prize is €200,000

We look forward to seeing more from you in the future, see the attachment below for further details and ticket sales.

Sincerely,

Clarke Benson

My heart stopped and I nearly tossed my phone across the room at that, River sat up in bed and gave me a confused glare.

‘What is it?’ He asked and I showed him my phone screen,

‘This has to be some mistake, I never submitted anything- Monsieur said I didn’t qualify!’ I exclaimed and River simply watched me as I went on a seemingly endless rant, ‘Something or someone somewhere is messing with me, right? Because this is quite literally impossible, this is an elite organisation and they know my name?’

‘Armani,’ River said but I kept talking,

‘I thought you were supposed to enter this competition with your painting of the La Tour Eiffel? I’m going to email them this can’t be right!’ I suggested grabbing my phone from him but he pulled it away,

‘Armani listen to me.’ He said with a slight laugh, his gaze alone told me everything I needed to know.

‘You did not-‘ I warned but he gave me a guilty smile,

‘I didn’t what?’ He teased and I placed myself onto his lap to look him in the eye,

‘You couldn’t have-‘ I spoke but he grinned knowingly,

‘Oh but I did.’ He stated and my eyes filled with tears,

‘River you’re so fucking dumb this was your opportunity!’ I gasped in realisation shoving him by the shoulder,

‘I’ve had and will have many other opportunities, you deserved it more than I did Armani. I hate to tell you but I overheard Monsieur talking about how he wouldn’t consider your piece because he knew you would win and that the student face of the art academy needed to be more…approachable. I knew it was racially driven so I submitted your piece under my name and changed the credits later, maybe it wasn’t my place to do so and if that’s the case I apologise. But I couldn’t accept a prize I didn’t deserve. You’re an amazing artist, better than me even and you deserve a fair chance to show the world your gift.’ River proclaimed and I wrapped my arms around him,

‘Thank you, I should’ve known that was why I was never good enough for him,’ I recalled,

‘You are always enough my love.’ He hushed running his fingers down my spine soothingly,

‘You have to come!’ I recalled sitting up and holding his hand joyfully,

‘Well um yeah that was kinda the idea.’ He stated blankly, ‘I’m so proud of you.’

‘I’m so grateful to have you in my life,’ I assured him leaning in to kiss him gently on the lips, my love. My River.

River and I spent the rest of the afternoon going back to campus to collect my things from my dorm room, we got a few boxes from storage and took them up to my room as we packed everything away.

‘Of course, you go straight to my underwear drawer.’ I taunted and he winked at me folding them neatly into the box.

‘Keomi is going to lose her shit.’ River reminded me as if I didn’t already know, maybe it was a shitty thing to just leave without telling her but I was going to sit down and talk to her afterwards and I had to hope that she’d somehow understand.

‘Do you want me to move in with your ass or not Kennedy?’ I quipped and he zipped his mouth.

‘Is there anything else you’ll need aside from clothes?’ He asked, ‘I mean my apartment isn’t exactly built for two, you can decorate it however you want to you know.’

‘I can’t do that,’ I replied trying my best to be modest,

‘It’s literally yours too, we just signed your name on the deed.’ He reminded me and he was actually right, I would be paying a quarter of the rent for now and half later when I could afford it.

‘Well, I guess I wouldn’t mind…’ I smiled stuffing the last of my novels into a box.

Once everything was packed up we stuffed the boxes into the back seat and drove our way to the Carrousel du Louvre shopping centre, and at least five different girls tried to flirt with River right in front of me. A perky blonde waitress at the coffee stand was getting on my last nerves.

‘Tu es très beau, tu devrais revenir?’ You are very handsome, you should come back sometime, ‘I’ll be waiting.’

‘Tu vas attendre très longtemps,’ I replied in place of him, You’ll be waiting a very long time.

‘I was not talking to you.’ She scoffed and winked at him,

‘Je ne suis pas intéressé et tu es impoli envers ma copine en ma présence.’ River replied, taking away the tip we were about to give her, I’m not interested and you’re being rude to my girlfriend in my presence.

‘Tu peux faire tellement mieux que ça.’ You can do so much better than that, she scoffed bitterly,

‘There’s no one better than her.’ He said spitefully and she rolled her eyes.

Once we left the coffee shop I sighed, ‘Do I literally have to hide you away in a basement at this point, because it looks like everybody either wants to be you or be under you.’

‘Good luck to them on that.’ River stated taking a sip from my iced coffee after he literally said he didn’t want one, ‘That’s your position.’

‘Um yeah let’s go to the grocery store,’ I cleared my throat and if I could blush I would’ve been.

I made River push the shopping cart along as I picked out new plates and glasses as well as blankets and fluffy pillows. I also bought a bunch of fruits and vegetables and of course chocolate. By the time we were done River complained that I wouldn’t even eat half the stuff I picked out and that the trolley was full. It was already the afternoon. Just when we were about to go back to the car we passed by a Victoria’s Secret outlet and I paused.

‘Suddenly I really like shopping,’ River spoke with a smirk and I smiled, dragging him along with me.

We made our way to the pyjamas section and I couldn’t even picture myself in half of the garments on the models but apparently, River could because he handed me this purple set with silver linings, it was a little more revealing than I was used to & it was really expensive and I sure as hell wasn’t going to pay for that.

‘No fucking way-‘ I protested but he gave me a wicked grin,

‘I dare you.’ He challenged and suddenly it was all I wanted to do, and I was going to make him pay for it, which is the only reason that I said,

‘Only because I think it’s a pretty colour.’ I made my way into one of the changing rooms, I slipped into it because I knew I’m going to buy it anyway and it looked amazing on me, even I could admit that.

It fits so well and I turned around and admired myself in the mirror, I pulled River in through the door and he lowered his eyes and he practically stripped bare with his gaze alone.

‘This Is the closest to heaven a man like me will ever get.’ River declared looking down and planting a kiss on my neck, “I might just start my own religion because of how often I find myself on my knees for you.’

‘You flatter me, Kennedy.’ I gasped like I was in an episode of Downton Abbey, ‘Do you speak to your mother with that mouth?’

‘No, my love, as you may well know I prefer to use my mouth for other leisurely activities.’ He whispered and I rolled my eyes playfully before kicking him out of the room.

‘You wish.’ I laughed.

Back at home.

‘Welcome home Armani.’ River said once we were done unloading all my boxes, ‘I hope you like it here.’

‘I’ll love it here so long as I’m with you,’ I assured him and he leaned in to kiss me.

He spread a blanket on the floor and I dropped a few pillows as well as he lay down with me and we talked about our future here for hours upon hours, visualising the life we were going to have.

‘I love you,’ I said as we lay next to each other amongst the pillows with the moonlight seeping through the balcony.

‘I know.’ He assured me, caressing my cheek, ‘Know that I love you more if that’s even possible.’

‘I never thought I’d ever hear you say those words, I remember a time when I thought you hated me.’ I expressed,

‘I did, I hated how you made me feel again after I’d gotten so used to being numb from everything. I hated how you awakened this love in me that would never know rest again. I couldn’t put it back to sleep no matter how much I tried. I hated the way that when you looked at me, I didn’t feel so invisible anymore.’ He admitted, ‘I guess a part of me liked the feeling of being so sad, I found comfort in the darkness because it held me when nothing else did.’ He said shaking his head,

‘I know what it’s like you know, to find comfort in the darkness, but I always promised that I’d never feel that way again and that I’d learn to see the light in everything- even when it seemed impossible,’ I told him just as he turned over to check the time on his phone, 23:58 PM and he paused,

‘What day is it?’ River asked me,

‘Why’re you asking, didn’t you just check?’ I asked, sitting up and leaning on the side,

‘Armani, what’s the date?’ He asked again, his eyes serious and panicked,

‘I- it’s December 24th.’ I told him and reached my hand out to stroke his cheek, ‘What’s wrong?’

‘No no no.’ He cursed to himself getting up and putting on his coat in a hurry, ‘I can’t believe I forgot!’

I rushed to put on my sweater as well as he grabbed the keys off of the counter and headed into the elevator. I followed him as he was pressing the down floor button frantically.

‘River what’s going on?’ I asked but he didn’t answer me he was just racking his hands through his hair,

‘Where’re you going?’ He asked angrily ‘Just stay home okay?’

‘No, I’m not going to leave you like this.’ I refused, just as the elevator opened and he stormed out into the lobby and I followed after.

It was raining heavily outside when he unlocked his car and I took a seat next to him in the front seat. I had no idea what was going on at all.

‘River, why won’t you just talk to me?’ I asked but he didn’t even look in my direction,

‘I’m so fucking selfish how could I forget, how could I let myself get distracted?’ He questioned and I had no idea if he was talking to me or himself when he started the car and started driving really fast.

The car moved rapidly down the street and he even ran a red light while not bothering to put on a seat belt. I reached over and put on his belt for him, before I even did so for myself, his safety was my priority. His eyes were frantic and I didn’t know what the hell is going on.

‘River you’re going too fast!’ I warned him just as he slowed down and parked the car near the Père Lachaise Cemetery.

‘I’m sorry Armani, I just I— I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t make it.’ He apologized and opened up the car door, heading out into the pouring rain and I followed him.

I’d follow him anywhere actually.

Until he kneeled down at a gravestone that had freshly placed bouquets of flowers and letters on it soaked by the rain, I simply stood by and watched.

JACE CLAUDE MONET

‘I’m sorry that I forgot your birthday, I know you’d never have done the same for me. I think I’m slowly starting to forget and it scares me how easily it’s happening.’ He said and my heart breaks for him, ‘But I have to, I have to let go, I have to let us go, I have to let you go Jace. Forgive me, please for choosing myself just this once. Let me be selfish just this once.’

I stepped forward and knelt down next to him and tried to pull him away from Jace’s grave but he didn’t move. ‘I’m sorry.’ He cried, “But I can’t hold on anymore.”

‘You’re allowed to love again River,’ I assured him, ‘I’m sure he would say the same.’

‘It’s easier to think so isn’t it?’ He laughed sadly, ‘I have nothing more to give, nothing more to feed the memory of what could’ve been. I can’t hold on to him anymore, no more.’

‘Are you sure?’ I asked not knowing exactly what he was talking about,

‘I’m sure, I have you now, I have me, I have all I need.’ He said and I kissed his forehead as the rain soaked my clothes as it trickled down on us.

We drove back home in silence and he held my hand in a way that said I need you. And I squeezed his hand back even tighter in a way that said I’m here.

I held his hand when he took out the box from the art room and turned on the fireplace. I held his hand when he threw the paintings into the flames and we watched them burn to a crisp until they were unrecognisable. I held his hand when he tried not to cry and I promised him it was okay to do so and I held him in my arms through every sob that wracked his body as he did once with me, I held him when he cried so hard he couldn’t even speak a word after, I held him as he fell into a peaceful sleep.

‘Merry Christmas my love.’ I hummed, my eyes drifting to the clock as his eyelids fluttered closed.

And alas River freed himself from the thorns that bound him.