Chasing River

Consume Me

RIVER AND I hadn’t spoken in two days, two days. And all I could think about was how we’d left each other in tears and how in the span of our relationship we hadn’t ever gone that long without talking to each other. I liked to believe that we were relatively good at communicating, but it was like finding out about him and Jace had left us lost in translation. The academy had closed for the winter holidays and I had to admit it hurt to feel so alone during that time. I couldn’t go home without risking my mother not allowing me back and I couldn’t even talk to the one person I truly wanted to because he was angry with me.

I had to admit that perhaps I went about things the wrong way, which was why I was once again sitting on the floor of Victoria’s house with her trying to give me some advice. She and Fabian had been getting really close lately and I must say I never saw that one coming. They had such different personalities and I guess I just never thought I’d see the day Victoria King ever let a man wander around her house in fluffy pink slippers while she made him scones. Fabian wasn’t there though, thank God, I couldn’t risk him hearing what we were talking about.

‘This is a delicate situation you see, because neither of you were wrong for the way you reacted. You were wrong for going through his things and invading his privacy and he was wrong for keeping his true relationship with Jace a secret from you. But I feel like I must ask Armani, why does it matter that he and Jace were intimate to you?’ Victoria asked,

‘If I’m being honest, it doesn’t at all. I guess a part of me was just jealous and felt like I was just his distraction.’ I admitted and she lifted an eyebrow in response,

‘Has River ever given you a reason to feel like you were just a distraction?’ She asked, ‘Or are you just letting your insecurities get the best of you? I hate to be blunt in this case because he was my friend but the matter of the fact is that Jace Monet is dead. Long gone from our lives no matter how painful that may be to come to accept. You needn’t be envious of someone who’s not here anymore and hasn’t been for a year.’

‘I just wish he could’ve been honest with me, I wouldn’t have judged him for it, I just wish he trusted me.’ I sighed,

‘That’s what you’re not understanding Armani, River’s sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with his relationship with you. He was right in what he said, it was his story to tell and you kinda took that away from him. I think that you guys need to sit down and just have a heart-to-heart and lay all your uncertainties out on the table. And if you can’t do that then your relationship won’t work.’ Victoria concluded brutally and honestly as always and I knew that she was right.

But I couldn’t bring myself to call, or text, or anything.

And so I spent the day before Christmas Eve all on my own, watching the first snow of winter cascade down my window cill as Keomi left for Osaka for the holidays.

‘Are you sure you have to leave?’ I asked showing her my best puppy dog eyes,

‘Unfortunately my mother isn’t the easiest woman to argue with, so I’m pretty sure.’ She laughed apologetically,

‘Oh okay,’ I replied trying my best not to sound too disappointed,

‘I’d hate to have you spend the holidays alone, what about River hm?’ She asked and the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to even remotely explain hurt me,

‘We’re going through a bit of a rough patch,’ I explained and she zipped up her suitcase,

‘How so?’ She asked and I could tell that she was just trying to be a good friend as usual but I couldn’t tell her,

‘Just a minor misunderstanding that’s all, but he’s really angry at me and I don’t really think he ever wants to talk to me again.’ I expressed and she sighed just as her phone chimed and she groaned,

‘I’d love to stay and chat but she’s already waiting down campus,’ Keomi told me and kissed me on the cheek, ‘Don’t give up on each other, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him as expressive and well- alive as he is with you.’

And then she disappeared out the door, and I was all on my own. Every single one of my friends had gone home for the holidays, even Fabian who was spending the holidays with his parents in Greece. I spent the rest of the day completing my art project and turning it into Monsieur who surprisingly was still on campus.

‘Your piece is late,’ Monsieur said simply, not even bothering to take a proper look at my painting before handing it back to me and I paused. ‘Regardless of what I think of it.’

‘Not that I expect you to take this as a reasonable excuse but my grandmother passed away recently and I wasn’t able to focus enough to complete it on time.’ I explained and he shot me a condescending glare, ‘I was hoping it wasn’t too late?’

‘Miss Nnandi, are you aware of the saying that latecomers always eat bones?’ He questioned bitterly,

‘Forgive me Monsieur but are you saying that I can’t turn in my work even if it’s only a day late?’ I asked and he took a step closer towards me,

‘That is exactly what I’m saying.’ He told me, ‘Rules are the rules.’

‘Why do you do this, push your students to their absolute limit and never give them a chance to breathe? You do it to River all the time and you don’t even realize that you’re hurting the best you’ve got, if you’re going to deny my submission because it’s twenty-four hours late fine then so be it- but you will not look me in the eye and tell me it’s not good enough.’

‘You are young, you are lost.’ Monsieur scoffed suddenly getting defensive,

‘That is where you are wrong, perhaps at first- but not anymore, I am found.’ I declared, grabbed my artwork and stormed off.

I meant what I said despite saying so, and in a fit of rage, I was anything but lost anymore. I knew exactly what I wanted and for the first time I knew I deserved it, and I wasn’t going to let some seventy-something-year-old bitter has-been tell me that I’m not good enough. As I went back to my dorm that day I couldn’t help but feel so alone for the first time. For the first time in my life, my heart longed for another so intently that I found myself feeling lonely without him. And when I looked at all the sweaters River had purposefully left for me in my closet I couldn’t help but cry, because I fucked up this time and I didn’t think that he’d ever forgive me for it.

It was then that I knew that you could be homesick for people too.

I was wrong to invade his privacy and go through his things, aside from this one secret River had never given me a reason to mistrust him. He had always been clear with his intentions and when he told me he cared for me he showed it. He showed it in the littlest things; when he helped me take out my braids once they’d started coming undone, when he stood by me when I lost my grandmother more than my own family did, when he saw me for who I was- flaws and all and accepted me as I was, unapologetically, irrefutably for who I am.

I regretted taking away this important moment from him by letting my own curiosity get the best of me, it was his story to share in his own time and I’d messed that up. He was probably sitting there thinking that the reason I was upset was because he’d loved a man, he probably thought I didn’t accept him for his sexuality and the very thought of that made me want to cry even more because it couldn’t be any less untrue.

The truth is that I was mad because I loved him and I hated the thought of competing with anyone for his affection, even the dead. I loved him as purely as one would nurture a secret yet as furiously as a burning fire craved gasoline. He was both the light of my daydreams and the darkness of my nightmares, I found myself dreaming of him even when I was wide awake. It was a shame that it took me this long to realise it, but I did, I loved him, with every breath, every beat of my heart- with everything I possibly had within me, I loved him.

And I wished he knew.

It was just after midnight and I had been tossing and turning in my sheets because I couldn’t sleep. I stared up at the ceiling into the darkness and tried my very best to unscramble my thoughts. Just then my phone chimed, it was really late so I wondered who in their right mind would text me at this hour.

RIVER: Armani. Are you awake?

ME: Yeah, you?

RIVER: ….well yes. Let’s talk.

ME: Right now?

RIVER: Meet me at Parc Monceau & don’t come without a sweater on, it’s very cold.

My heart leapt at his message and I grabbed my navy blue winter coat and headed outside, surprisingly the streets were fairly empty and quiet which was odd for a Friday night. I held my coat close to me as the strength of the cold blew past me, I walked all the way to the park and when I saw River’s car parked near an elderly oak tree, whose leaves were bent down and the evergreen leaves brushed the roof of his car. I felt the light raindrops fall from the sky and I looked up, it was then or never.

I made my way over to the car and opened the door, the warmth of the heater engulfed me and River didn’t even turn to look at me when I sat down in the passenger’s seat. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a while and yet his hair tussled with the aftermath only slumber could bring.

‘River,’ I said simply, my voice merely a plea, I didn’t know what to say.

‘Armani.’ He replied, his voice almost as distant as mine.

‘I’m sorry, forgive me.’ I apologised but he paused in the moonlight seeping through the window,

‘What for?’ He asked,

‘For if I ever made you feel like I didn’t accept you as you are, as you have always done with me.’ I clarified and he shut his eyes for a moment,

‘I’m sorry for asking you to come here so late and for….’ He apologized too and then I was on the verge of tears, I reached for his hand but he pulled it away from my grasp.

‘What on earth for?’ I asked him as well,

‘For not being who you deserve, for everything that happened.’ He muttered, his voice quiet before he pulled at the cross around his neck and it snapped in half as the silver fell to the floor. ‘I hate myself for it.’

‘Look at me.’ I insisted, moving closer, but he didn’t even open his eyes, ‘Please look at me.’

‘I can’t. I’m so sorry I fucked this up, I can’t help but feel like I fuck everything up, like everyone ends up regretting me in the end. I don’t want you to regret me too,’ He pleaded and my eyes began to well with tears, did he really think that any part of me could ever regret him?

‘Sometimes I feel like I’m second place to someone I’ve never even met, so I don’t even know who I’m comparing myself to. I feel like I’m fighting the ghost of your past with him for you, I can’t compete with a memory anymore.’ I admitted still not making eye contact with him,

‘You can’t compete with him because there is no competition, it was never my intention to make you feel like I ever compared you to him it’s just that I-‘ He paused and took a quivering breath looking up at the ceiling, ‘I thought you’d see me differently if you knew I was intimate with him, I thought you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore and I- I couldn’t lose you again.’

‘And I’m sorry I took away your chance to tell me when you were ready, I hate that I did that to you. I feel horrible for putting you on the spot the way I did.’ I apologized.

‘No no no don’t apologize. All of this is me, it’s all on me. Je comprends si tu ne veux plus être avec moi.’ I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore,

‘Look at me.’ I insisted once more turning to face him, his deep blue eyes rimming with red as he tried to blink away the tears, ‘Please look at me.’

“I can’t…” he breathed raggedly.

‘River, my love, look at me.’ I plead and at that he opened his eyes and turned to me, his eyes glistening with unshed tears in the moonlight. ‘In the middle of all my chaos, there was you, my light, there is nothing in the world you could do that I haven’t already forgiven you for subconsciously. You need not be sorry or even apologise. Because I have loved you in silence so allow me to voice it now, Je t’aime, I love you.’

And at that River leaned his head back. He was crying now as I held his hand against my own, I pulled him into an embrace and I could feel his tears soaking my coat, I never thought I’d see the day River Kennedy let himself break; River with his walls of stone that I never thought I’d ever be able to see past is letting himself break before me nonetheless. As he cried my heart shattered with him and I cried too, I cried because I loved him and he knew it, there was no going back.

‘I have known all the deadliest things; grief, bloodshed, and yet none are even half as all-consuming as what I feel for you.’ He admitted and my heart wrenched at his words,

‘Are you saying-‘ I began but he cut me off as he looked up at me with teary eyes from his generous pair of dark eyelashes,

‘That I love you? Of course, I do Armani, can’t you tell?’ He replied almost in disbelief that I ever questioned it, ‘I only knew it was love when you were back in America and I knew what it was like to yearn for someone with as much longing as I did you. I spent sleepless nights worrying about you and your well-being, I was already planning on a way to bring you back to Paris. And if you didn’t I was willing to come and find you. So please know this; that I know what it means to have loved in silence once before but I didn’t have to with you, I love you openly and irrefutably with everything I am.’ He told me and I leaned into the palm of his hand against my cheek, ‘And I don’t think I ever really thanked you, you brought me out of the darkest place I had ever been in my entire life. You taught me to see the good in all things. Before you, I didn’t look forward to waking up every day or watching the sun go down at dawn. It tired me and I felt like I was trapped in this infinite abyss. Actually, I believe that it’s you that is my light, you helped me find the one thing I’d struggled with since I saw the world for what it was- hope. Armani Nnandi, you gave me hope and I love you for it.’ He said and I leaned in to kiss him and I could taste the faint salt of our tears on his lips.

‘You never have to explain anything about Jace if you don’t want to to me, your past with him doesn’t define our present or our future. And never let anyone- even me ever make you feel like it’s wrong to love who you love do you understand me?’ I declared and his eyes filled with tears once more,

‘Perhaps he didn’t love me, perhaps it was all in my head.’ River spoke softly, ‘I hate that I’ll never know for sure.’

‘Perhaps it’s better that way, no? That way you get to decide your own ending.’ I expressed and he pressed his forehead against mine,

‘Perhaps.’ He replied and leaned his head into my neck. ‘I never meant to hurt you with the truth.’

‘That’s where you’re wrong, you healed me with it,’ I assured him.

I ran my hands through his dark hair and he sighed trailing kisses down my neck, slow hot, and passionate. I turned away and he moved his kiss to my lips and I was molten honey under his touch. He’d done so much already, it was my turn to show him how much I loved him.

‘Let me show you how much I love you,’ I whispered and his pupils dilated at my words, a sigh fell past his lips as he dug his nails into my side and pulled me onto him.