Chasing River

Death Is A Lover

A collection of memories

Two years ago, River; 17, Jace; 17

RIVER GAZED up at the ceiling of his room, 1 2 3 4 5, counting will help you focus they said, that it was all in his head. He had been having a bad week, school was stressing him out and he didn’t show up that day. He knew that his friends would probably bombard him with questions the second they saw him, but he was getting better at lying, you see. He lied when the therapist his mother was forcing him to see asked if the breathing practices were helping, he lied when he looked in the mirror and told himself that what he felt for Jace was just a phase and that it would pass, he lied when Keomi asked where he’d been all day just now over text.

KEOMI: Where have you been all day, we had a project due remember?? Shitty of you to leave me hanging RK.

RIVER: Sorry, sick.

Sometimes he wished that he could somehow explain to his friends that sometimes he just needed a break from everyone and everything for a while to prevent things from getting worse and letting the dark thoughts win. The ones that snuck up on him just when he thought things were just getting better, the ones that made him want to find other ways to end the pain, the ones so bad he couldn’t tell anyone about them- not even the one person in the world he felt understood him, Jace Monet.

River turned to look in the mirror of his room, he was still living with his parents and his maman insisted that he could only move out once he turned eighteen. When he looked in the mirror and saw his reflection, full bee-stung lips, pale marine blue eyes, straight dark- almost black hair that fell lightly over his eyes, his olive skin. He couldn’t understand what anyone ever saw in him, he’d gotten used to compliments sure, but it was one thing for someone to say they liked your body and another for them to like who you really are. He ran his fingers over his jawline, he thought this body is not who I am.

Just then his bedroom door fumbled open and it was none other than the one person who didn’t need to knock, ever, because it was almost as much his room as it was River’s at that point. Jace, with his dark brown doe eyes that could turn anyone to molten honey, his curly blonde hair that he sometimes let River brush and thread dandelions in at the crack of dawn at Parc Monceau, his face full of freckles and warm smile. It was odd to River how easily Jace could make him feel so seen and for the first time he didn’t feel like he was just another body he felt like River.

‘Don’t tell me you’re hiding from me, River?’ Jace greeted playfully, his voice like a finger to a lyre in spring.

‘Never you,’ River replied and Jace shut the door behind them like he’d done nearly every time they were alone together.

Jace’s lips brushed River’s ever so slightly, careful and still uncertain like the bare soles of one’s feet on hot sand, his mouth was warm and daring and slightly bolder this time. River thought that by now he would’ve gotten used to the feel of Jace’s lips against his own, but he still found himself feeling this guilt and mistrust. He knew it was wrong to mistrust Jace’s motives at the moment but that was merely because as much as Jace was by the far the most amazing person he’d ever encountered in his life, he was also the most indecisive.

Jace had what he and his friends often called âme éphémère, a fleeting soul. He would take interest in something and swear it was the best thing since sliced bread and yet a week later he would be onto the next fascinating thing. He did so with his intermediate Violin lessons, gymnastics and of course art. He had been accepted at St Katherine’s because of his art and he turned it down for River, no one had ever sacrificed anything for him and so one could only imagine what hidden feelings that stirred inside of him.

River only hoped that he would not end up on the list on one of Jace’s fleeting things.

‘Why didn’t you go to school today?’ Jace asked looking at River the way he did when he was expecting nothing but the truth,

‘Nothing, just a headache.’ River shrugged, and he knew that Jace knew he wasn’t telling the whole truth but whether or not he would act on those suspicions was uncertain.

‘You’ve been having a lot of those lately,’ Jace replied curiously, ‘Is there something you’re not telling me, mon amour?’ My love, Jace had taken a liking to calling him that lately, one could only hope he meant it.

‘Actually, I was wondering, this thing between us, what if people find out I mean- isn’t it better we just tell them?’ River suggested and Jace gave him the exact same low laugh he did whenever River brought this up, like he was some disobedient child.

‘People ruin everything, I don’t want them to ruin this- to ruin us. We waited so long to be together this way and I don’t want anything to jeopardise that. This…’ Jace gestured, his lips nearing River’s neck, ‘Is ours and only ours, don’t you want to keep it to ourselves just a little longer?’

River sighed, this was the exact same answer he got every time he asked if he wanted to authenticate their relationship. It’d been over a year, since his sixteenth birthday when he finally got the courage to tell Jace how he felt since the moment they met. To his surprise, Jace said he knew since the day down by the Seine when the sun peaked through the autumn Parisian sky and their lips were inches apart. He said he knew and that he too wanted to say something, but found himself tongue-tied.

River didn’t want to be the lie between his teeth, the lover found only in his sheets and his little secret anymore. River more than anyone knew it would be difficult to explain to all the people in their lives this love they felt for each other, this forbidden feeling he’d tried to suppress since he was old enough to know desire for another. For River love had never been about anyone’s physical traits, he himself hated more than anything when people would only want to be with him for his looks, which he didn’t see anyways. For him, it was always about the being, the way they thought, the way they connected with him, and the way they made others feel about themselves. Something as trivial as gender had never even occurred to him.

‘I don’t know how much longer,’ River muttered, then Jace gave him a knowing smile, proceeding to place both hands on the side of his face.

‘Just a little longer.’ Jace replied softly, and like a lullaby to a babe, he was hushed.

The Parisian summer was just in full swing and they all decided to head down to Parc Monceau for a picnic of sorts, Keomi’s idea of course. Everyone brought along their favourite foods to share, and Keomi brought along her speciality, seaweed sashimi. Geneviève and Merilla brought lemon buttercream cupcakes, Fabian a charcuterie board and lastly, Jace and River arrived later on with Jace’s special chocolate chip cookies and vodka lemonade. The scene was beautiful that day, as the girls spread out the chequered picnic blanket underneath a wide oak tree and they all perched themselves beneath it like little faeries.

‘It’s not that serious Keomi,’ Fabien spoke beside her,

‘I want nothing to do with it.’ She replied sternly.

‘I wish we could spend every day like this,’ Merilla said shielding her eyes from the relentless sun,

‘Don’t we all?’ Jace replied, ‘I can’t wait to tell my future children all about my time in Paris, and the friends I met that became family.’

‘Aww are you purposefully trying to make us cry J?’ Gene replied tying her hair up,

‘I’m not kidding, I do love you all. I hope you know that.’ Jace declared like he always did and everyone smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek as he laughed and playfully pushed them all away.

Future children, River thought, he wondered why every time Jace spoke of the future it was almost like he wasn’t in it and it hurt.

‘I hope those violin lessons have been paying off.’ Fabian commented handing Jace a white wood violin with delicate strings, ‘I found it while cleaning out the basement, I figured it was a waste to let it wither away unplayed.’

Jace’s eyes lit up when he held it and brushed his fingers over its body which resembled the curves of a woman. River felt oddly insecure, he was nothing of the sort.

‘I can’t ask you to gift this away, it’s vintage.’ Jace faltered in disbelief, ‘I- it’s too much Fabian but thank you.’

‘Not the time to be modest, Jace dear, just take the damn violin you know you love it.’ Gene encouraged and he rolled his eyes at her and River smiled.

That was the one thing River liked about Geneviève De La Fontaine, she was direct and always spoke her truth in a way he wished he too could someday. To most, it may come off as snobbish or even rude but he knew that she came from a family that expected a lot from their only daughter and often silenced her opinions. She’d once told him that the only time she ever got to voice her thoughts was when she was with her friends and sometimes she got carried away.

‘Thank you, Fabian, I promise to sign back up for lessons,’ Jace said treading carefully, and everyone sighed in response.

‘No fucking way you quit?’ Mer retorted, ‘Now I owe Fabian five euros.’

‘Our very own âme éphémère, you never cease to be predictable.’ Gene added, ‘Do play something for us.’

‘You should.’ River encouraged silently tapping his foot against Jace’s in silent approval.

He’d gotten used to it, these silent gestures of love.

The gazes that lasted a second longer than they were supposed to, the tucking of loose strands of hair behind his ear, the brushing of fingertips when he thought no one was watching. A way to say I have loved you in silence, hear me.

Jace played the violin, a beautiful take on when the saints go marching in, and everyone listened intently at his skill, Jace Monet was indeed a Jack of all trades. And even as Jace’s fingers moved agilely with a bow in hand, River couldn’t help but remember the first time they touched him.

Jace and River raced down the hallway in the dead of night, they were aware that they weren’t allowed on campus after dark but the rebellion was overpowering, thrilling even. They delved silently into the art room and shut the door, lit a few candles that gave the room a luminous glow. They were sprawled next to each other on the floor, with heavy breaths and racing hearts.

‘I love you,’ River finally got the courage to say, as he witnessed Jace’s expression change in the yellow light, something in his eyes changed that day. ‘Like the sun adores the moon so intently he gives him his own time to shine in the darkness. I do, I love you.’

‘I have always loved you, you are half of my heart,’ Jace said and traced his fingers over River’s face, his nose, his lips, his jaw.

‘If loving you is wrong then render me evil,’ River spoke softly,

‘If you’re to be rendered evil then I am the most wicked.’ Jace smiled and tears welled in his lover’s eyes, he had waited for it since the beginning of time.

And almost magnetically his lips were on his, tasting, exploring and devouring every last breath. River thought he tasted like milk and honey, the sweetest of nectars and purest of things. He remembered how his maman had brought him along to church when he was a boy and they spoke of how man shan’t ever lie with man, but he thought-

How could it be that this, the most natural and innocent of rituals between lovers, was declared ungodly that this was the only time he’d ever felt the most human and most pure? At that moment they had no ruling masters and were slaves to their hearts.

And as skin brushed skin, unwanted fabrics were discarded on the floor and paint was everywhere but a canvas, they made love into the night and as they found completion within each other it was certain that even if it was only for a night, or a fleeting moment, Jace had truly loved him.

They were fighting that day, they were always fighting those days. Ever since River had given him the ultimatum, accept me as your own by everyone or not at all. Jace was in the driver’s seat and River couldn’t- wouldn’t stop persisting.

‘I can’t be your secret anymore.’ River declared sternly,

‘You don’t understand what it’s like for me, I love you River I do but I’m not ready for that yet.’ Jace retorted pressing his foot on the peddle,

‘I think I am though, and I need you to-‘ River paused, he wasn’t sure of this but it had to be said, he didn’t know if he could bring himself to say it without breaking down completely, ‘let me go if you don’t really want me.’

‘I do want you, but not everything is about you alone River, I have a family that would disown me if they knew!’ Jace burst out, he never yelled at him before.

‘So do I, we go to the same church, we were taught the same ideologies but I’m ready to finally let those go, are you?’ River asked and Jace paused and picked up the speed on the car,

‘You can’t ask me to do that!’ He retorted,

‘Because you don’t love me like I do you, I know. I have always known it deep down. You want a wife, a family, and I can’t give you that, it’s okay just please let’s stop going in circles.’ River pleaded, and Jace’s eyes rimmed with tears at the realisation, of that truth that he didn’t want to see.

That they simply wanted for different things.

Were destined to lead different lives.

It was time to wake up, they weren’t fifteen anymore.

‘That’s not true I-‘ Jace began, tears spilling from his eyes, ‘I want to love.’

‘But not me.’ River choked, then realised that the car was moving at a dangerous speed. ‘Jace, stop the car.’

‘I’m trying but it’s like the breaks aren’t working,’ Jace said the windscreen wipers thwarted the rain away as the car began to lose control on the slippery road.

‘What do you mean the breaks aren’t working?’ River asked just as the car skidded off the road,

‘I’m sorry-‘ was the last thing River heard before the car hit the street light and the intense impact sent Jace’s head through the glass of the windscreen, he’d never forget the image. The impact knocked them both unconscious.

Only one of the prodigies would wake, and the other would never live to see the light of day. At least he loved him until his last breath, the very definition of eternal love.

The only thing River remembered was somehow finding himself at Geneviève’s apartment and her cleaning up his wounds, the police would not know that he was there that night- no one would. He remembered not being able to speak, or cry or eat or sleep, it was as though his very soul had been stripped from him and he was left bare.

‘We will never speak of this.’ Geneviève assured him, and they never did.

A year later

On one of his many restless nights where he couldn’t help but blame himself for the passing of his love, River walked all the way across town to one of his favourite bookstores, Le chat curieux, to distract himself you see. The academy would reopen the very next day and he’d be forced to see his friends again, he hadn’t seen them since the funeral. His parents had been concerned for him and took him to see a psychologist who’d prescribed him antidepressants. But that’s the thing they never tell you about them, they don’t make you feel better, they just make you numb so you don’t feel any overpowering emotions that might lead you to do something you’d regret.

The pristine shopkeeper looked at him as though she could see right through his clothes, he hated it but he was used to it. She smiled at him, but he didn’t smile back. He was in search of one of his favourite novels, Treasure Island and wandered into the back of the store. He heard the doorbell chime and knew someone had entered the store, he didn’t care who.

Once he located the book he attempted to pull it out but felt a tug on the other side, the stranger won and the book was in their possession. And once the book was out he could make out her eyes, round, curious and all-consuming.

They had to be the most enchanting thing he’d ever seen,

‘Dead men don’t bite.’ She said, her accent almost as diluted as his own, American but not completely. She knew her literature well, he liked that.

There was something about her that was unlike anything else he’d ever encountered, her presence was enough to leave him speechless. So he fled, the very thought of feeling anything again terrified him.

Little did he know, he would never escape her, the midnight girl who made him feel alive again.