Chasing River

Little Truths

KEOMI FOUND a half-used jar of hot chocolate in one of the kitchen cabinets and put a kettle on the stove, everyone else was playing some old Swiss board game Geneviève claimed she used to play as a kid with her cousins when their parents weren’t around. The objective of the game was to get your partner to tell the truth, it was called l’interrogatoire, or interrogation in English. If you managed to break your partner you got a point and the person with the most points at the end was the winner.

‘I’ll go first, River you’re with me,’ Geneviève announced and Merilla nudged my shoulder knowingly,

‘Armani you’re my partner in crime,’ Fabian suggested and I gave him a high five,

Just then Keomi came into the living room with a tray with that held white mugs of steaming hot chocolate. Placing it at the centre of the coffee table for everyone to get some, River hesitated.

‘It’s vegan, I think,’ Keomi assured him and he took the mug sceptically, but he could tell Keomi wouldn’t sit down unless he at least took a sip.

‘Come on Kennedy it won’t kill you.’ Fabian chided and River took a small sip of it and Keomi smiled, it warmed my heart to know that he did that just to make her happy.

River took a card from the deck and read it out to Geneviève,

‘When was the last time you could say you were truly happy?’ River asked, his voice clear and unwavering like silver.

‘Every day, I find joy in absolutely everything.’ Geneviève replied and Fabian squinted,

‘Bullshit, I’m not buying it.’ Fabian interrupted,

‘Yeah to be honest neither am I,’ I added and she glared at me,

‘The truth will set you free.’ River insisted sarcastically,

‘Yeah but first it’ll piss you off.’ Geneviève retorted,

‘When I was last here,’ Geneviève admitted tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, and to the trained eye she looked almost vulnerable.

‘Elaborate.’ River persisted, ‘When were you last here?’

‘When I was fourteen okay!’ Geneviève rambled and Fabian checked the timer on his phone,

‘Fifty-four seconds.’ Fabian called out, ‘Damn I would’ve thought you’d last longer than that.’

‘Shut up Fabian.’ Geneviève condemned, ‘My parents don’t come to Geneva anymore, I used to spend summers here with my family all the time and those are probably the best memories I have. But my dad’s side of the family doesn’t get along like they once used to, petty disputes over money and properties got in the way and it separated me and my cousins from each other. We became strangers almost overnight, they say blood is thicker than water, but if it was it wouldn’t have spilt so easily. However, the days of my childhood are long gone now and I learned to be okay with that.’ Geneviève explicated and even I could sense the undeniable rawness in her tone,

‘Thanks for sharing that with us Geneviève .’ I appreciated, I felt like someone should’ve said it because it clearly wasn’t easy for her to open up like that in front of everyone.

‘Yeah, ten points to River.’ Merilla declared handing him a marshmallow, did I mention we were counting points in marshmallows?

“Okay, Keomi we’re up next.” Merilla prompted, “Are you ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” Keomi took a deep breath.

“What’s the worst thing anyone’s ever done to you?” Merilla questioned holding her gaze.

“The worst?” Keomi contemplated for a brief moment, her gaze drifting away to the window. “Well, I don’t usually let anyone get close enough to have that much of an impact on my life.”

“So you’ve never slipped up, not even once?” Merilla insisted,

“You have to kill the spider on the wall before it lays its eggs.” Keomi quoted with a sigh leaning back, “Never let them get close enough to inflict any damage, and know that for every secret you tell someone, you have to get back two of theirs in return.”

“Woah.” I breathed taking note of that.

“Damn, fine you take the crown this time Nakamura.” Merilla congratulated.

“Yay!” Keomi cheered, her eyes smiling.

‘I’ll go next!’ I volunteered in an attempt to lighten the mood, I grabbed a card from the deck.

‘Go easy on me.’ Fabian pleaded, his pretty brown eyes twinkling with mischief,

‘I’m a good cop I swear.’ I winked and read what the card wrote, ‘What’s your biggest fear, Fabian dear?’

‘I fear nothing.’ Fabian declared wontonlly,

‘Everyone fears something.’ I pressed moving closer towards him on the carpet,

‘Fear is nothing more than a state of mind, a state of mind I relinquished long ago.’ Fabian rebutted, and oh God I almost believed him.

‘Not even death?’ I asked,

‘Contrary to common misconception, death is not the greatest loss in one’s life.’ Fabian challenged,

‘Then what is Fabian?’ I asked and a knowing smile played on his lips,

‘To be forgotten,’ Fabian told me and there was a beat of silence before I threw my hands up in the air in defeat.

‘I don’t know how I’m supposed to win, he’s guarded like Fort Knox!’ I confessed and everyone laughed, I tossed a marshmallow into Fabian’s mouth and everyone cheered.

‘I was going to warn you about the dangers of choosing Fabian Lyon as a partner in a game like this.’ Merilla jeered, wincing, ‘But then I figured it’d been funny to watch you try and get the truth out of him.’

‘You’re the embodiment of evil Mer!’ I laughed,

“We’re next Kennedy eyes on me.” Gene prompted,

“Do I have to?” He sighed leaning back and folding his arms, God he was so gorgeous it was almost criminal.

“Uh yes!” I reminded him.

“Fine.” He nodded, rolling his eyes in defeat.

“What’s the last lie you told?” Gene asked.

“That I would drink that thousand-year-old non-vegan hot chocolate.” He admitted and Fabian snorted a laugh.

“Hey!” Keomi gasped in offence, then appeared disappointed, “I thought you liked my hot chocolate….”

“No.” He responded plainly.

“So what I’m hearing is that I won?” Gene concluded, “Pass me a marshmallow.”

‘Okay, Keomi it’s us again, ready?’ Mer asked picking out a card,

‘Yes.’ Keomi shrugged sneaking a marshmallow from the packet,

‘Out of all the people in this room, who would you rather hook up with?’ Merilla asked and Keomi grabbed the card from her to make sure she was reading the question right, Geneviève laughed at her panic,

‘Like have sex with?’ Keomi asked and I could see the flush in her cheeks,

‘No Keomi cuddle and read bedtime stories with, yeah have sex with!’ Geneviève laughed,

‘Why did I have to get the hardest question!’ Keomi groaned,

‘Oh come on it’s not that bad,’ I assured her,

‘Then swap with me, Armani!’ Keomi pleaded,

‘Oh never, but I mean don’t think too much about it just say it,’ I said clearing my throat,

‘Fine, I choose Armani.’ Keomi declared and I could tell she was just using my name as a get-out-of-jail-free card.

‘What, you’d rather sleep with Armani than me, come on I have more charisma and I know if you played for the other team you’d be into that right?’ Geneviève insisted playfully,

‘Nah come on I think we’d all wanna see what Armani’s got going on.’ Mer winked jokingly and I wanted to crawl under the floorboards,

‘It’s the fact that they’d rather hook up with each other than us, the only men in the room.’ Fabian scoffed,

‘See the difference between you and I Fabian is that I’m a firm believer in minding my own business,’ River assured him, his captivating marine blue eyes twinkling with amusement.

‘Okay okay!’ Keomi exclaimed, ‘Time to spread out into our rooms.’

“Wait, I have one more question.” I interpreted suddenly getting an idea, my gaze drifting to meet River’s. “For you.”

“Oh?” Gene puzzled quirking an eyebrow in curiosity.

“Suddenly I’m no longer sleepy,” Merilla added.

“Me too, go ahead Armani we can wait!” Keomi told me.

“How many people have you kissed?” I asked him, since he was adamant on being too cocky, I wanted to see if he’d have the courage to tell his truth.

“Kissed?” He repeated almost as if it were a ridiculous question. “That’s cute.”

“Cute?” I wondered furrowing my eyebrows.

“It is cute actually.” Gene chuckled, “Very middle school, what’s next, how many people have you held hands with?”

“If it’s so easy then why don’t you just tell me…” I teased and I could tell he was apprehensive by the way he was mimicking my body language. “Hm?”

“I will never and I mean, never give up parts of myself that easily.” He promised me.

I knew it. I knew he’d never confess.

“Even to me?” I mocked.

“Especially to tiny pretty things like you.” He mused.

“Okay, now I’m sleepy again.” Keomi yawned. “I’ll sort rooms.”

‘Isn’t this my uncle’s cabin?’ Geneviève asked but keomi interrupted her,

‘Doesn’t matter, okay so the cabin has three rooms so we’ll be in two’s. So Mer will be with me, Fabian and River obviously and Geneviève and Armani.’ Keomi sorted just as everyone began to disperse.

To my surprise, Geneviève didn’t seem to protest the idea of sharing a room with me and I was flattered by her maturity. Even though I knew better than anyone that she couldn’t stand me for whatever reason, It was nice to know that she was willing to try for at least one weekend.

Or so I thought.

I managed to sneak away from my room for a while to finish some homework, I pulled a bar stool up to the kitchen island and spread out my work there. It was going quite well for the most part, having little to no distractions made everything easier. And yet just when I thought I was finally getting some peace and quiet I saw Fabian carrying a blanket and pillow and Geneviève chasing after him.

‘What the hell is going on Fabes?’ Geneviève asked just as he threw the blanket onto the living room couch,

‘Kennedy kicked me out.’ He told her and she choked back a laugh clearing her throat,

‘Was this about Armani again, because we’re all getting tired of your new hero complex-‘ Geneviève speculated and Fabian rushed to defend himself,

‘Of course not I’m over that shit!’ Fabian assured her but she obviously was not convinced because she raised a condescending eyebrow,

‘Sure whatever.’ She teased, turning on her heel to make her way around the corner to the room he and River were supposed to share.

‘Oh for Christ’s sake.’ I groaned closing my book and following her,

River opened the door and he was not wearing a shirt and I looked away before I even had the chance to begin to stare. His body was perfect in every sense of the word, it was as though his body had been carefully sculpted by the gods themselves, he was art and sometimes I wondered if he knew it. If he saw what I saw every time I looked at him, if he knew he could probably have any girl in all of Paris on their knees for him whenever he wanted. I also wondered why he ever lay his eyes on me.

‘Three words; Fabian, couch, why?’ Geneviève asked impatiently,

‘He talks too much.’ River shrugged,

‘Whatever, it’s fine I guess Fabes can bunk with us,’ I suggested and there was a flicker of displeasure in River’s eyes,

‘I have no problem with that!’ Fabian called from the living room,

‘He’d love that wouldn’t he?’ River contemplated then opened the door a little further so Fabian could go inside.

‘Fabes!’ Geneviève called and he came around the corner, groaning when he saw the problem had been solved.

‘Get in,’ River demanded and Fabian grabbed his blanket and pillow and went back into their room.

‘If you don’t hear from me in a few hours call the police,’ Fabian whispered,

‘You’re so dramatic.’ I laughed,

‘Am I?’ He questioned before closing the door, as Geneviève made her way back down the hall. And then it was just River and me, he leaned against the doorframe, his dark hair a little messy.

“Two.” He leaned down to whisper to me, sending a shiver cascading down my spine.

“What?” I wondered in complete confusion,

“You asked how many people I’ve kissed.” He explained, “The answer is two, there was another but now there is only you.”

He didn’t give me enough time to respond before he glanced down, ran a hand through his hair and closed to door.

“Only me…” I whispered to myself shaking my head in disbelief.

“Yes.” River admitted, glancing away from me, and for a brief moment I thought I saw his cheeks tint red.

It didn’t matter regardless, because he shut the door before I could make out what exactly he was feeling. I leaned my back against the wooden frame and sighed incredulously.

A part of me wished it could stay that way forever. A part of me was admittedly getting a little too ahead of herself.

I flipped through pages of an old French pirate novel I found on my bedside table while Geneviève got ready for bed. Each of the rooms had two twin-sized beds, the cabin was solar powered and at night we used oil lamps found in the kitchen cabinets. I heard the water in the bathroom sink turn off before Geneviève made her way back into the room. She’d tied her long strawberry-blonde hair in a messy bun and wore a dainty white nightgown.

Geneviève’s beauty was undeniable and completely possessing, she had this almost timeless exterior. And when she wasn’t talking her sharp juniper eyes appeared timid almost and virtuous.

‘What do you see in River?’ She asked pausing in the light of the lamp,

‘What does everyone see in him, what do you see in him?’ I retorted flipping through the pages,

‘He deserves better than to simply be lusted over by you, he deserves to be seen.’ Geneviève provoked,

‘I agree but what does any of that have to do with me?’ I asked,

‘You barely know him and if you’re just using him you need to stop now,’ Geneviève defended and to my surprise, she was actually being sincere,

‘I would never do that-‘ I argued sitting up in bed,

‘That’s what they always say and they end up doing quite the opposite.’ Geneviève insisted, ‘I know he talks a big game, but he is not like most guys you’re probably used to. He’ll never tell you he cares if that’s what you’re waiting for.’

‘Where’re you going with this?’ I asked,

‘Nowhere, I just want you to know that I can’t watch him get hurt again and if you hurt him— You’ll rue the day. And if you think you hate me now, you’re going to despise me. And I won’t hit you then, or even the day after that or maybe even month after. I’ll hit you when you’re at your weakest and I’ll make sure it hurts’ Geneviève sneered,

‘Is that supposed to be a threat?’ I scoffed,

‘It’s a fucking promise.’ She stated matter of factly,

‘Do you realize people merely tolerate you at this point?’ I laughed, ‘Your words mean nothing to me.’

I blew out the lamp at my bedside table and I couldn’t help but wonder what she meant by ‘they always end up doing the opposite.’ Who were they? Was there someone else I didn’t know about?

Looking back at myself in present time I wish I would have known sooner, the truth was transparent and right in front of my eyes and yet I chose to see right through it.

There exists a familiar analogy that I had found myself contemplating over time, and it was that of how long it would take a person to decide to save you, if you were drowning? At what point exactly would it register in their mind that this person was in need of help, how long would it take the swimmer to get the courage to call out for help? And perhaps it would be too late if their saviour thought that they were waving and not drowning.

Peut-être que je ne saurais jamais.

We all decided to spend the morning down at the Lake to get some fresh air and admire the scenery. Lake Geneva was beautiful and glistened beneath the early morning sun, Morillon ducks swam and ruffled their feathers in the water. Merilla brought a record with her and played some reggae music her mom sent her to remind her of home. Everyone was in their swimsuits and taking a dip in the water, all except River of course who for whatever reason had decided it was too early to be having fun. He wore jeans and a plain black t-shirt with a tiny yellow umbrella on it.

He was always a stickler for little details like that, he always made sure that even if his outfit was plain to add a little splash of colour. It was cute, and I always noticed.

I wore a pretty lilac-blue bikini I’d bought at a little boutique with Keomi a few weeks after I’d arrived in Paris. I begun to pick up a few seashells along the shore, the most enchanting I’d ever seen, I accidentally picked up a shell that still had a little critter squirming inside and I decided it was best to simply toss it back into the water.

Just then Keomi came out with a trey and a jug of lemonade, I wondered how she could be so creative when we barely had anything in the fridge. We all thanked her and poured a glass.

‘It’s my mom’s recipe, I learned it from my sister,’ Keomi told me and I couldn’t help but wonder,

‘If it’s your mom’s recipe, why’d you have to learn it from your sister?’ I asked and her eyes softened,

‘Ma mère avec moi used to be very close when I was a girl, but inevitably we drifted apart when our ideas of what my life should look like began to differ.’ Keomi reminisced, ‘Are you close with your mother?’

‘No,’ I realized and I had to admit it hurt, ‘Not at all and quite frankly I don’t think we’ve ever been, my mother knows the version of me that I want her to know.’

‘I completely understand, sometimes I just feel like I can’t live up to the perfect daughter image of me she made up in her head.’ Keomi sighed and I placed my hand on hers,

‘I see you,’ I assured her,

‘And I you.’ She smiled, and I knew I could always be myself around her.

‘There’s no fucking way you’re seriously wearing pants at the beach!’ Merilla exclaimed and River shrugged, humouring her with a slight smile.

I carried as many seashells as I could in my hands and made my way over to where River was seated with a sketchbook on a bench. I sat down next to him and placed them all in a pile next to him,

‘Look what I found!’ I beamed, feeling incredibly proud of myself,

River let out what I assumed was a slight laugh before turning back to his sketch which for some reason he wouldn’t let me see.

‘Open up your hand,’ I asked of him, hiding the surprise behind my back. There was sand in my hair and I had no idea how I was going to wash it out.

‘I’m busy, Armani.’ River dismissed and I pouted,

‘Come on no you’re not just do it.’ I encouraged and his eyes held a slight irritation but he opened up his palm to me anyway and maybe I overthought the gesture as I happened to most of the time, but it meant a lot to me.

I placed a pretty sepia and white shell in his hand, it was the best one I’d managed to find and I didn’t really have anyone else to give it to, so I figured that I wanted him to have it.

‘This one is for you.’ I told him and for a second, he didn’t seem so wistful and guarded.

“A seashell, for me?” He wondered, his eyes glistened a little, or maybe it was just a sunny day.

‘Just for you,’ I mused with a gentle smile.

‘Oh.’ He realized almost as if he was unable to comprehend my kindness.

‘Relax for once, River, we’re on vacation.’ I reminded him.

I got up to take my shells inside and grab a few towels for everyone. I made my way to the laundry room where all the clean towels were. And yet in that moment when I was completely happy, for the first time in a while actually I couldn’t help but think about how I had lied to my mom. And how I’d broken nearly all the promises I’d made to her and papa before I came here.

I knew my parents had always been firm with me and whether or not that was with good reason and intention I’m not sure I know anymore. The very second I set off for Paris on my own I began to doubt everything I’d ever known, I was playing a game of chance and something told me there was certainly no in between, I would either come out victorious or I would lose.

Just then I felt the presence of someone standing behind me, I got the feeling that it wasn’t Keomi or Merilla or even Geneviève. It was a presence I’d grown to be familiar with, a comforting silence of sorts. I felt a hand slip through the hip of my bikini, a gentle finger against my skin that spun me around and pulled me closer.

‘What’s on your mind?’ River asked his voice deep like melting honey pouring down my back and all-consuming,

‘Nothing, it’s fine,’ I muttered not wanting to talk about it,

‘You can do a lot of things to me but lying isn’t one of them.’ He remarked tilting my chin up so I could look him in the eye, it’s so hard for me to do that without my mind wandering to the darkest places.

“You’re so…” I marvelled shaking my head in disbelief.

“Consumed by you? Yes.” He concluded, tracing his fingers towards the side of my head. “I want to know everything that you’re thinking, all the time.”

“I’m as transparent as they come, Kennedy, I can assure you,” I told him not buying this attention he was giving me for a damn minute.

“Oh really? Because I’ve been dying to see right through you.” He taunted pulling me closer by the string of my bikini, I couldn’t help but yelp at the suddenness if it all.

“You’re annoying,” I grumbled.

“Tell me.” He responded simply, returning to his usual monotonous state.

‘I feel bad for lying to my mom, I feel like I’m letting her down,’ I admitted, “I didn’t tell her where I was going.”

‘You think too much.’ River simply replied and I turned away from his touch slowly,

‘So do you,’ I commented brushing past him.

I get back to our friends with the towels and I overheard Mer complaining about how there was literally no food in the house.

‘We’re going to starve to death if we don’t find a grocery store!’ Mer whined, dramatically collapsing into Fabian’s arms.

‘I saw a little grocery store on our way here, I could go buy some food.’ I volunteered and Mer wrapped her arms around me,

‘Armani you God-send!’ She thanked me, “Everyone else was willing to let me starve.”

‘No need to thank me, I’ll call for a cab,’ I assured her, and just as I was about to reach for my phone River stood in my way.

‘You’re not going into town alone.’ He dictated and I scoffed at the audacity,

‘Of course she’s not,’ Fabian interrupted grabbing his clothes, ‘Because I’m going with her.’

‘Okay you’ve both clearly inhaled too much sea salt or you’re out of your fucking minds!’ I argued.

But Fabian and River simply gave each other a knowing look and I knew I couldn’t argue with them on this,

‘I’ll call a taxi.’ Fabian declared and he did just that.

There was a quaint little grocery shop a couple blocks down and I’d realised once we’d arrived that there wasn’t really much need for a car. I made River go fetch a shopping cart and had Fabian go to the ATM because we were using his money since he’d insisted on accompanying me. I had no clue why grocery stores were always cold, but I held close to my jacket.

Once River appeared with the shopping cart I hopped onto the end of it like I used to do when I was a kid,

‘What the fuck are you doing?’ River asked and I groaned in frustration, he was impossible.

‘Having fun, come on now you’ve got to push me!’ I laughed but he refused, I rolled my eyes, ‘You’re no fun, River Kennedy.’

‘It’s dangerous.’ He scorned, ‘You’re going to get hurt.’

‘Come on Kennedy, the girl just wants to have some fun lighten up.’ Fabian encouraged and River backed away from the shopping cart so Fabian could hold onto it.

“I take no part in this.” River denied. “I refuse to be near the scene of the crime.”

‘Thanks, Fabes.’ I smiled and he smiled back,

‘Pick your speed racer?’ He asked like one of those announcers on one of the racing channels,

‘Fast.’ I insisted and he begun to push me around the fruits and veggies section.

I threw my hands up in the air as Fabian pushed me around, one of the shopkeepers gave me a dirty look and I stuck my tongue out at her when she turned her back, what a killjoy am I right?

Fabian was actually a really good friend to me, he’d always been a really good friend to me. He never made me feel like any less than I was and he always knew just what to do and say, he was perfect and maybe he was the kind of guy I needed to set my sights on.

One who wanted to have fun and wasn’t always so gloomy all the time, I liked hanging out with Fabes and he always treated me well. And any girl would be blind not to see how amazing he was, not to mention he was actually really handsome. But in the way that movie stars, childhood crushes, and the jungle gyms at the park were…unreachable.

I didn’t even notice that River had already picked out almost everything on the list Keomi had given us. I guess time really does fly by when you’re having fun. The cart came to a stop and River handed me a pack of cheese. And I wondered why he didn’t just place it in the cart until I read the label; Parmesan. I smiled at him and he smiled at me and I remembered that night.

River, his beauty was that of a thunderstorm. Tragic yes, but could also prevent a drought. It was that of all the celestial and heavenly things, the stars, the moon, and the sun that burned. It was visible in everything he did, everything he said, it was always there and sometimes I wondered if he saw it. Or if he was too consumed by the crackling lightning and brewing thunders within him that he couldn’t see the pouring rain, couldn’t see that he too was a light.

I stepped off of the cart but Fabian accidentally let go and it pushed forward hitting my ankle. I gasped at the contact and it was incredibly painful.

‘Oh God-‘ I nearly screamed, and I took a seat at the confectionery stand.

‘Armani I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to–‘ Fabian apologized but River cut him off immediately,

‘Enough.’ River warned ‘Go pay for the groceries,’

Fabian swallowed hard, took the shopping cart away and disappeared to the front of the store.

‘I’m fine, I swear.’ I lied feeling my ankle throbbing in pain,

‘No, you are not.’ River then cursed, kneeling down to take a look at my ankle, it was already red and swollen, ‘You never listen to me, this is what happens when you make careless decisions.’

‘I just wanted to have some fun…’ I began and I could tell he was mad at me, so I kept my voice quiet,

And yet just when I thought he was going to yell at me or run Fabian over with a shopping cart, he simply took off my shoe and stood up taking a deep breath. He offered me his hand and I took it, wrapping it around his shoulder so I can use him for support while I walked.

‘What am I going to do with you?’ River mumbled under his breath.