Chasing River

Dancing On Thin Ice

BY THE TIME we’d arrived back at the cabin everybody was fussing over my ankle more than I was. I was seated on the couch and River was beside me. I placed my injured foot onto his lap as he examined it.

‘I’m fine River I swear It’s probably nothing- OW!’ I yelped as he attempted to turn my foot, he lifted a condescending eyebrow and I rolled my eyes at him.

‘It’s just a sprain, keep it elevated, put some ice on it and you’ll be fine.’ He told me and I wondered how the hell he knew any of this,

‘How do you know?’ I asked, attempting to sit back up but he placed a hand on my shoulder to force me back down.

‘I take health and physiology class.’ He explained,

‘Is there anything you don’t know?’ I questioned sarcastically,

‘You’d be surprised just how little I do know.’ He said just as Fabian appeared beside me with a pack of frozen peas.

‘I’m really sorry about your ankle Armani.’ Fabian apologised and he scratched the nape of his neck,

‘It’s okay, death by shopping cart isn’t exactly a thing,’ I assured him taking the frozen peas and placing them on my foot wincing in pain,

‘I was going to make a shepherd’s pie with those, but let’s just ignore that,’ Gene scorned from the kitchen and Keomi shot her a disapproving glare.

‘I feel like I keep fucking everything up with you,’ Fabian shrugged.

‘Everything is fine, I’m fine it was an accident, we’re still friends Fabes!’ I didn’t know what else to say, “Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

“Please beat yourself up about it more,” River said and Merilla snorted a not-so-discrete laugh, and I swatted his shoulder.

“Could you not?” I warned. “He feels bad enough as it is.”

‘It could’ve been worse.’ River mentioned getting up and placing a cushion beneath my foot,

‘Thanks, for um everything.’ I smiled and he didn’t say anything to that, he just wandered back to his room.

And then it felt like forever before Geneviève stopped whining about her ruined pack of peas.

The night came along much faster than I’d anticipated and we’d all gathered in the living room to watch a movie, I picked out an old French movie I loved to watch with mama as a girl, Jules And Jim. It was a drama that followed two friends as their 30 years of friendship developed into something more. In my opinion, it was a classic and a movie that once you watched you’d never forget.

Gene, River, and I were seated on the couch while Mer, Keomi, and Fabes were curled up in a blanket on the floor beneath us. The television was one of those old CRT ones from the nineties and the resolution wasn’t perfect but it gave the movie a perfect feel.

‘This was my favourite movie growing up, I can probably recite it word for word,’ I told them and Keomi looked at me like she just remembered something.

‘That’s crazy, that was Jace’s favourite movie too,’ Keomi exclaimed, her pretty brown eyes twinkling with a sense of melancholy.

‘Keomi, not now,’ Mer warned in a whisper and Keomi sighed, turning to face the front.

I couldn’t imagine how exhausting it must be not to talk about someone who meant so much to you, didn’t they ever get tired of pretending like nothing happened? This wasn’t a healthy way of coping with loss. I turned to look at River to see if he had anything to say on the matter but he kept this unreadable expression, his unwavering feline blue eyes remained on the screen. Geneviève leaned in and whispered something to him inaudible to me, she gazed up at him waiting for a reply and he simply shook his head.

‘Hey, why don’t we watch a different movie, there’s a James Bond film showing on Channel 5,’ Fabian suggested,

‘Yeah, that sounds good,’ Mer added, as Fabian tuned in to a different channel.

After about ten minutes into The Spy Who Loved Me, I shifted my gaze to River once more, and even though it was dark and I could only really see his eyes I could tell that he may be looking directly at the TV but his mind was far from where we were. I looked down at my hand that lay beside his and I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if I could just graze my fingers against his, maybe then I could see what he saw, feel whatever he felt. If I could only feel the tenderness of his palm then maybe I could understand. River shut his eyes a moment too long and I wondered if he somehow heard my thoughts.

Hear me, I thought to myself, this silence slaughters me.

But before I could even think of reaching for the touch he got up from the couch and left for his room. I wanted to get up and ask him if he was okay but Gene stopped me with a hand,

‘Sit down.’ She directed, not spitefully for once,

‘Just give him some space.’ Keomi smiled sympathetically placing a hand on mine.

‘I don’t understand…’ I muttered to myself trying to unscramble my thoughts,

‘It’s not for you to understand, you do realise that not everything revolves around you right?’ Gene leaned in and whispered to me,

‘Of course I do, but do you?’ I retorted and drew my attention back to the television.

I didn’t even realise I’d fallen asleep on the couch, I woke up and I was covered in a thick woollen blanket I didn’t remember throwing over myself. I was tossed out of my sleep by the sound of the oven timer going off. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and got a clear image of the scene in front of me.

I took notice of River cooking something up in the kitchen, I sat up and his gaze caught mine, I looked at the clock on the wall, it was 3 AM. I couldn’t wrap my head around why he was awake and cooking in the middle of the night.

‘I didn’t mean to wake you.’ River said, his voice soft,

‘It’s okay.’ I yawned, tossing the blanket off me, ‘Why are you awake?’

‘I am trying to get off of the pills, et ce n’est pas facile.’

It’s not easy, he told me and I wondered how long he’d been up for, or if he ever really went to bed.

I decided then that I wanted to cheer him up in any way that I could.

I made my way into the kitchen and poured myself a steaming mug of coffee before plopping myself down on the countertop and taking a long sip.

‘What’re you doing?’ River asked taking what I assumed was grilled mushrooms out of the oven,

‘Staying up with you.’ I clarified and his eyes lit up almost at my reply and he gave me a smile that suggested he wasn’t opposed to my offer.

‘You don’t have to.’ River countered plating his food and I sighed,

‘Oh, but I will and I am.’ I grinned while scooting closer so I could see what was on his plate. ‘What’s cooking Chef Kennedy?’

‘Roasted portobello mushrooms.’ He disclosed grabbing a fork and knife,

‘And what’s the cheese-looking food in the salad?’ I asked and he got a mischievous look in his perfect blue eyes,

‘It’s like cheese.’ He told me and I grabbed his fork from him,

‘So then it’s cheese right?’ I concluded picking at his plate and taking a bite out of it, it was safe to say that it was not cheese, ‘Not cheese.’

‘Vegans don’t eat cheese, it has milk in it, therefore, it’s an animal-based product.’ River laughed at my shocked expression,

‘Then what is it?’ I asked handing him his fork back,

‘Tofu, I hope you’ve learned your lesson about eating other people’s food without their permission,’ River commented taking a knife and fork and digging into his food.

I grabbed another fork from the cabinet and stole one of the mushrooms before taking it into my mouth, It was actually really good.

‘Who knew rabbit food wasn’t that bad?’ I joked and he rolled his eyes,

‘Anyone who’s ever tried it.’ He replied running a hand through his silky dark hair, which was getting longer and he needed a haircut.

‘You’re not so bad when you’re not being a total pain, River Kennedy.’ I sighed,

‘I know.’ He simply replied, and then there was this beat of silence that said more than enough, it was a silence that said ‘what now?’

It was a silence that said, I feel it and I know you do too so what are you going to do about it? It was a silence that said I could feel the undeniable magnetic field of chemistry between us, I was scared he would leave or turn his gaze away from me like he always did when things got too intense but he didn’t.

River moved like a phantom in the dead of night to the space between my legs, I took my bottom lip between my teeth to satisfy the need growing inside of me. At that moment River was fire and I was merely paper thin and I wanted him— no I was daring him to light me aflame. Something was different about the way he looked at me that night like he was battling with something deep inside of himself like he was about to commit the most unforgivable sin.

To give in to me.

He reached for the ponytail of my braids and pulled them back slightly so my lips were tilted up to his, he leaned down and brushed his lips against mine, ever so slightly. He was teasing me, and two of us could play at that game. I trailed my fingertips down the arch of his back and he shivered under my touch, he swiped his tongue over my bottom lip and I let out a soft sigh.

‘Armani.’ River mouthed silently at the sound that escaped my lips.

I dragged my nails down his back with one hand and ran my fingers through his hair with the other, remembering how he liked it when I did that the last time, I pulled at his hair and he shut his eyes letting out a low groan. This was a power struggle, he wanted to come out on top, but so did I, so I hesitated and that was my mistake. Because the second I did he opened his eyes, dark with desire and he pressed his lips back onto mine with full force and I gasped his name into his mouth, River.

His hands roamed my back and wandered beneath my t-shirt and he held my hips in place. I opened my mouth and he took full advantage of this, slipping his tongue into my mouth and exploring it intently. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he groaned in frustration slamming us both onto the kitchen counter, our kiss was fast, desperate and hungry. I wanted him and it was the best feeling in the world to know he wanted me too and just as bad. I reached beneath his shirt to explore the softness of his skin.

Just then he stopped taking his lips off of mine and I whimpered in frustration at the parting, he lowered my shirt again so it fell back over my belly. I sat up and I couldn’t help but think that maybe he regretted it, maybe he regretted me again?

But then he immediately saw the panic in my eyes and paused, placing a tentative kiss onto my forehead this time and stroking the back of my hair. I hadn’t quite realised before just how emotionally intelligent River was, maybe he hadn’t let anyone notice at all.

He turned away and made his way over to his room,

‘Goodnight, Armani.’ He said and disappeared into his room.

I awoke to the sound of the autumn leaves being led astray by the wind, I turned beside me to see if Gene was awake but she wasn’t there. I assumed that perhaps she was downstairs with the others until I saw the note she’d left on her pillow.

Gone hiking with the others, you were sleeping. Didn’t want to disturb you. Be back at 6PM.

-G

I sighed and looked at the time on my cell phone, it was twelve in the afternoon and I’d overslept staying up with River last night. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and Knowing I was home alone for the rest of the day, I threw on an oversized t-shirt and nothing else before heading downstairs to make breakfast.

The noon sun shone through the thin curtains and I opened them to let the light in, I had begun to play teenage dream by Katy Perry on my phone as I made some waffles; dancing on my own and singing along while beating the batter and pouring it into the waffle maker. I turned around to set the messy bowl in the kitchen sink just as my gaze met River’s and I dropped the bowl in shock, had he really seen all of that?

‘River,’ I spoke awkwardly, incredibly flustered,

‘Armani,’ River replied with a slight smirk that confirmed my earlier theory,

‘Do you um— want breakfast?’ I asked with a shy smile, and River raised a condescending eyebrow at the eggs I’d cracked earlier.

‘Relax.’ I laughed opening the fridge and grabbing the carton of almond milk and an apple, ‘I can make the rabbit-safe version.’

‘Seems fair considering what you did last night.’ He commented and his eyes twinkled with amusement, ‘Those mushrooms took forever to make.’

I turned around and took a bite out of my Granny Smith apple before he could see the flush begin to spread in my cheeks. Just then he got up and stared me down, his gaze shifting over my body and I suddenly remembered that I’m only wearing a shirt and underwear. I pulled down my shirt even though I knew he could barely see anything regardless. River bent his head down and took a bite out of my apple.

‘I like your outfit.’ He smirked playfully before laughing at my embarrassment. ‘I’m going to take a shower.’

I went online and looked for a vegan waffle recipe and I found the one that looked the least complicated and began to mix all the ingredients together, but for some reason, it was much harder to make. I spent half an hour trying to make the waffles. I groaned in frustration and nearly lost my shit. if only I could just get it right.

‘Hey, calm down.’ River interrupted looking at me from the corner of the room, ‘I’ll make them.’ He offered gently taking the bowl away from my grip.

‘It’s just really complicated okay!’ I condemned,

‘Sure,’ River said sceptically, deciding to make the waffles on his own, and I realised that he was actually a really good cook.

We sat down at the kitchen counter and begun to eat our breakfast and all the while I couldn’t help but think about how just last night he’d had me splayed on this very counter with his tongue down my throat. I banished the thought from my mind before it wandered any further.

‘Who’s your favourite artist?’ I asked trivially taking a sip from my coffee mug,

‘I don’t think I have one.’ River shrugged,

‘Oh come on, every artist has their own art god that they kinda turn to for inspiration.’ I clarified, ‘For example mine is Loïs Mailou Jones, she’s such an underrated black female artist and she reminds me that even when the whole world is against you that you can still prevail.’

“If I wanted inspiration I would look in the mirror.” He stated plainly.

“You mean look within?” I countered.

“No.” He clarified, “The mirror.”

“Okay…”

‘If I wanted inspiration I would look to things and not people, things that aren’t man-made like the Seine,’ River told me,

‘You’re such a weirdo River, honestly.’ I laughed,

‘It’s hot, let’s go for a swim in the lake,’

‘No,’ River refused just as I expected him to,

‘Come on, why not?’ I asked and he doesn’t even look up at me when he says,

‘I’m not interested.’ He shrugged,

‘No one will know the deep dark secret that you had fun for once in your life.’ I encouraged, but it was no use.

‘Suit yourself, I’m going anyway,’ I assured him, venturing to my room to change into my swimsuit before grabbing a towel and heading back outside.

In recent days, the weather had been so warm, the air was so velvety on your skin. From the moment the sun filtered over the peaks, it was so soothing until it took its rest. On the most comfortable of breezes, clouds floated by, inspiring our eyes to embrace the bluebird sky all the more. When it fell, the autumn breeze alit as gently as a ballet dancer’s shoes, embellishing and rejuvenating the only stage that counted.

I made my way into the cool water, diving beneath the marine into my own little underwater world. I swam fast and far into the lake before I heard River calling out to me.

‘Don’t swim out too far, it’s dangerous,’ River called out and I rolled my eyes at him,

‘I can’t hear you, I’m in the water!’ I taunted and to my surprise, he began to strip his clothes off, first his jeans and then his shirt until he was in all but a pair of briefs as he dove into the lake.

He swam up towards me, his arms flexing above the clear blue water as he made his way over to me. He lifted his head above the water and ran a hand through the dark wet hair on his head.

‘I thought you said you weren’t interested.’ I teased swimming closer towards him so my chest Is pressed against his,

‘That was dangerous, you mustn’t do that again.’ River asserted and his hooded eyes darkened with desire and I swam away from him, denying him what I knew he wanted.

‘And who’s going to stop me?’ I challenged with a pout and mischief gleaming in my eyes,

Just then I feel River’s hand grip my neck and pull me closer towards him, I gasped at first but it didn’t hurt because he wasn’t trying to hurt me, and strangely enough I liked this side of him. And I liked the way his hands felt around my neck, daring me, claiming me. The side of him that was willing to go for what he wanted, which in this case was me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

River’s lips were merely an inch away from mine, and I bit my bottom lip slightly and he tensed before pressing his full lips against mine yet again and I wrapped my arms around his torso so we were as close as we could possibly be. It felt so good to have him so close and have him like no one else could. I slipped my tongue into his mouth and he moaned softly as it met his sending me over the edge as I dug my nails into his back, not enough to leave a mark, sadly.

‘I was waiting for you to do that again.’ I expressed breathlessly,

‘So was I.’ He confessed and I smiled.

I wrapped my legs around River’s waist and wrapped my arms around his neck for support,

‘Come on I wanna show you a place,’ I told him and he swam us both towards the shallow end of the lake.

I grabbed his hand and he took mine as I led him into the attic of the cabin that I earlier discovered had an entire library. The old library had a few tall walls of old volumes, though mostly they were now a sort of decoration to set the scene. There wasn’t much light down there and the only light source was the tiny window. I ran my fingers across the shelves and realised that none of the titles were in English.

I pulled out a French copy of The Outsiders and my eyes met River’s cold blues on the other side, and a wave of nostalgia overcame me. This was how we met the first time, at least I was still certain it was him, eyes, you couldn’t miss those eyes. They bewitched every fibre of your being and stripped you bare before you could even register their influence.

And in a blink he was gone and he appeared in front of me, I wrapped my arms around his neck and It was then I realised that I wasn’t going to deny myself these things anymore. I wasn’t going to deny myself him anymore.

‘I want you.’ River said, his voice low and deep and declaring, ‘All the time.’

“I know.” I hushed, pressing my forehead against his, “I know.

I closed my eyes as he tilted his head and he let his lips brush mine, just once. I wanted to scream at him to just kiss me, but I refrained not wanting to break the trance.

This time when his mouth touched mine, it stayed longer, like it never wished to part from me again.

And that was all it took for my lips to be on his once more, and this time our kiss was no longer gentle and passionate but hot, hungry, and desperate. He was not holding back and neither was I, his tongue teased mine as he pushed me into the shelf and a few books were knocked down but I couldn’t care less. I stumbled backwards and knocked over even more books and we both couldn’t help but laugh at the scene.

I put his hands on my waist and slid my shirt up just enough so that his cold fingertips were barely touching my bare skin. This wasn’t usually something he allowed. The feeling of his fingertips on my skin, combined with the torture of his body pressed against mine, was intoxicating.

Kissing River was like your first breath after being underwater for a long time, like the first rains of spring, he tasted like all the good and all the bad and I was somewhere in between. His mouth was hot as it shifted from my lips to my jawline nipping at the skin and I moaned running a free hand through his wet hair gripping at his roots because it felt good.

So good.

‘What’re you thinking about?’ River asked between kisses, his hot breath trailing down to my neck,

‘I’m thinking about a lot of things,’ I told him kissing his neck, and he let out a groan and I knew he liked it,

‘Like?’ He asked and I hooked my legs around his waist and he smiled against my skin,

‘That we’re being reckless,’ I admitted,

I kissed him roughly and only realised once he pulled away that I’d bitten his lip.

‘I’m sorry.’ I apologised and he swiped a finger over his bottom lip and smirked playfully,

‘Don’t be.’ He said mesmerised and I crashed my lips onto his once more. “Just give me more.”

Just then I heard footsteps making their way into the attic and almost immediately I untangled myself from River.

‘Is anyone down here we’re back!’ Merilla’s voice called just as she stumbled upon us a little too close, this was a very compromising situation.

‘Hi!’ I exclaimed, fluffing my hair back into position, I probably looked like I’d ran a marathon.

And maybe in a way I did, just didn’t burn as many calories.

‘Hey, what are you guys doing alone in this dark creepy secluded attic?’ Mer asked suspiciously still in her hiking gear.

‘Uh, nothing just checking out the books,’ I replied and she gave me a condescending glare,

‘Checking out the books….in the dark?’ She retorted,

‘Sure,’ River replied and I narrowed my eyes at him,

‘Look, you guys are so lucky that I walked down here and not one of the others.’ Mer stated placing a hand on her hip, ‘If you’re going to keep whatever’s going on between you two a secret— then you need to get better at suppressing your little cravings.’ She warned before making her way back upstairs.

It really was getting harder and harder to curb my newly awakened appetite for all things River Kennedy.

And something told me that old habits really do die hard.