Would You Rather: A Novel

After three days in the ICU, Mia was finally moved to a room on the regular floor. There was no telling how long she’d be in the hospital, as it all depended on the new kidney and when it started working.

If it did at all.

She’d always thought of herself as a patient person. But the waiting was unbearable. Every day she gave blood and kept one eye on the door until the doctor came in with the results.

Every day she wondered: How were the numbers? Were they improving? Was the kidney functioning?

Did her body seem to be accepting it, or were there signs of rejection?

So far there were no signs of that, which was good. But no sign of resumed function either, which wasn’t.

The pain was quite a bit better, but without the need for medications that kept her in a state of drowsy comfort, her anxiety steadily increased.

She was rarely alone. Aside from nurses that cycled in and out every few hours to take her vitals or give her one of the fifteen medications she now had to take, the chair in the corner was always occupied. Sometimes it was Claire or one of her parents, and for about half an hour yesterday Graham had stopped by.

But mostly, it was Noah. He got grumpy when anyone suggested it was their turn and asked him to step out, and it seemed they’d all decided it wasn’t worth the fight. Only when he needed food or a shower did he leave willingly.

One day she’d gently reminded him he had a job, but the death glare he’d directed at her had her cowering in the bed.

Today was the first day she felt back to normal, or close to it. She had energy and an appetite, and after walking the halls for a while was feisty enough to complain about the special menu offerings for “immunocompromised patients.” She vaguely remembered learning about dietary restrictions during the patient education seminar she’d had to attend to get on the transplant list, but that had been years ago.

“I can’t believe I forgot I can’t have fresh fruit,” she whined.

“I can’t, either. You’re the one who wants to be a dietician. Even I remembered that,” Noah quipped.

“How?”

“You talked about it for like a week after.” His cheeks went pink when he added, “And I did a little reading recently about life post-transplant. After you said they moved you higher on the list.”

“Oh.”

She didn’t deserve this man.

It slowly sank in how intense things would be for a while. She’d come into the hospital on three medications for her kidney disease, but would leave with four times that many.

Drugs to suppress her immune system so her body didn’t reject the new kidney.

With a weakened immune system, she also needed drugs to protect her from infection.

She had to be careful where she went, and what she exposed herself to. Travel and being around crowds wouldn’t be possible for a while.

There would be frequent blood draws and doctor visits, especially at the beginning.

It would be a never-ending cycle for months. Maybe even years.

Thinking about it with Noah beside her, looking at her as if he was ready to handle anything and demonstrating his willingness to do just that over the last few days, was enough to send a wave of panic coursing through her. It was insistent and familiar, the same thing she’d feared ever since she said I do.

And yet it was different because this time, she hated it. She thought about everything they’d been through, the fact that he’d faced his fears and gone to Banff and still come back for her. She thought about what Barb had said about letting people love her, and allowed gratitude to wash over her. This time, she rejected that fear out of hand.

She was so tired of pushing him away. If he hadn’t been scared off yet, it didn’t seem like anything would change that.

Thank God for that.

He watched her, brows together and lips flattened into a straight line, probably wondering why she was being so quiet.

She smiled. “Will you tell me about the trip now?”

He ran a hand through his hair and gave a little nod before scooting his chair closer to the bed.

“Ice climbing is…” A slight smile tipped his lips and he exhaled. “It’s like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. It’s a whole different side of nature. The terrain was completely different. Rocks are sturdy and constant, while the ice is like this ever-changing wall of uncertainty. The risks were more evident, and it was definitely more physical. I don’t really climb for the thrill, but I see why people do. It really felt like man versus nature, and like we were defying what the human body was meant to do.”

“If anyone can challenge a mountain, it’s you.”

He dropped his eyes to his knees. “Nathan was the one who liked to challenge nature. I just want to be in it and enjoy it.”

Mia leaned forward to gently brush his hair back, any excuse to touch him in that moment.

His blue eyes met hers. “I realized some things while I was gone.”

She sat up a little more and waited for him to continue.

“Did you know Graham and I never talked about the accident after it happened?”

She frowned. “Never?”

“Not really. We’re both good at avoiding things when we want to.”

She hummed. “That I believe.”

“But this trip was all Nathan, through and through. He was bound to come up. We finally talked about it, and Graham filled in some gaps my memory hadn’t held on to.”

“What kind of gaps?”

He flattened his palms on the white blanket, flexing his fingers. “I thought I was the one who forced Nathan and Graham to pack up and leave the campsite that night. But that was just an assumption, because I was drunk, knew I couldn’t drive, and it seems like something I’d do if I was worried about you.”

“Did Graham remember it another way?”

Noah’s throat worked and he curled his hands into fists. “When I got the call, I was completely out of my head. All I wanted was to get back to town, but you know us. When we go to a good camping spot, it’s in the middle of nowhere. No Ubers, taxis, nothing. Graham said I started calling fraternity brothers to see if anyone was familiar enough with the area to come get me. But Nathan took my phone away and insisted he wanted to go. You were like family to him, too. He wanted to come and wouldn’t hear otherwise, and he’s the one who packed up and pushed me in the car. He kept saying, ‘She’ll be okay, man. She’ll be okay.’ I hadn’t remembered it until Graham said that. And then, when you called me and told me about the transplant and I was in a car heading down the mountain, I could hear his voice clear as day, saying ‘she’ll be okay.’ He knew back then I had to be with you.” His voice broke. “He still does.”

His face crumpled, and he dropped his forehead to his hands. Mia reached forward to tug at him, pulling him up so he was half draped across her chest, wishing she could climb out of bed and wrap herself around him.

“Noah,” she murmured, warm tears spilling over. “I want that, too. I love you. I missed you so much.”

He anchored one hand at her side and cupped her cheek with the other, kissing her fiercely. She covered his hand with hers, squeezing her eyes shut as she pressed closer.

When he pulled back his lashes were wet.

Her heart thrashed against her ribs. “What have I ever done to deserve you?” she asked hoarsely. “All I’ve done is push you away.”

“No,” he said. “You didn’t.”

“I did.”

“You tried to pretend you did, but I knew better. I knew you didn’t really want me to move on, even if you didn’t.” He traced her cheek with his thumb. “Besides, I had my own shit to work through. We just needed time.”

Her throat tightened with uncertainty. “This is too one-sided,” she said. “You’ve always been there for me. Watching out for me and taking care of me. You’ve loved me despite my illness and stubborn attitude. Other than loving you, what could I possibly offer you that can compare?”

“Your love is all I need. But you take care of me too, you know. You always have.”

She forced a swallow. “How?”

“I always felt like I was in Nathan’s shadow, but you saw me. You were the first person to choose me as I was, and never made me feel like I had to be different, or more than.” His lips tipped up in the most adorable grin. “When Brittany broke up with me in eighth grade because I was too shy and wouldn’t kiss her in the cafeteria, you pushed her lunch tray on the floor.”

A laugh slipped past her lips. “I hated her for that.”

“When I didn’t make the football team sophomore year, you suggested I join the rock climbing club instead. You turned me on to one of the biggest passions of my life.”

Tears were falling freely now. She didn’t even try to stop them.

“When I had the flu a few years ago I couldn’t get rid of you. You bring me my favorite chicken wings every week. But…” He leaned in conspiratorially. “I need to let you in on a little secret. It’s not the wings I want so much as an excuse to see you for dinner every week.”

“Same,” she managed to get out.

“And you’ve always encouraged me to date other women because you thought it was best for me. I can’t believe that’s what you really wanted.”

“Never,” she admitted, blinking through her tears. “I had myself convinced there for a while, but deep down, the idea of you with anyone else ripped my heart out.”

“See? Even then, you were trying to protect me. The funny part is, it was from the only thing I’ve ever wanted.”

She pulled him closer and kissed him again. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Me too.” He kissed her once more.

“I love you.”

“Yeah?” He smiled. “Well. I loved you first.”