Would You Rather: A Novel

There was something he wasn’t telling her, and it ate at Mia the entire time he was gone. She wrapped herself in his CU blanket and waited on the porch until his car turned down their street.

He parked in the driveway and despite giving her a small smile when he approached, his posture didn’t carry his usual confidence. He stopped at her feet, leaned down, and tipped her chin up to kiss her.

“Get everything figured out?” she asked, trying to read his expression.

Instead of taking the seat beside her on the swing, he settled into the chair a few feet away. She frowned at the space between them.

“Not really.”

“What? Why not?”

He slid his thumb and forefinger across his forehead, which sent a thread of unease through her. “Before I get into it, there are a few things I need to tell you.”

Her skin prickled. “Okay.”

“Do you remember that day in April when I put plastic wrap around your computer, and we talked about my marriage proposal in my office?”

“Yeah.” She’d tried to keep working despite his handiwork, but had ended up needing to take a pair of scissors to it to get it off.

“Apparently David was in his office that morning. He heard our conversation, and knew our marriage was fake.”

Noah kept careful eyes on her face as realization flooded her, and spoke again before she could respond.

“A few weeks later he came to my office and basically told me if I didn’t help him get the promotion, he’d report us.”

She stared at him, mouth open. “Wait.” She shook her head then tilted it to the side, trying to stay calm. “Let me get this straight. David knew what we were doing, blackmailed you with it, tried to sabotage your promotion, and you’ve known this since April? And didn’t tell me?”

A heavy exhale left him, and his shoulders seemed to sink even lower. “I’m sorry. I should have. But this was before we…before this was real. I wanted to protect you, and didn’t want you to back out of it like I knew you would.”

“I wouldn’t have—”

“Mia.”

Dammit. Why did he know her so well? “Okay, maybe I would have. I definitely would have.” But this wasn’t about that. “That’s not the point. I can’t believe you put your job at risk because of that asshole, and because I’m a selfish friend who put you in that position. You’ve worked hard and you deserve that promotion.” First her parents, and now this? Would she ever stop ruining people’s lives? “You didn’t get it, did you? That’s what this is about?”

Because of her.

“I didn’t, but that doesn’t matter. David got fired and he didn’t take it well.” He gripped the back of his neck. “Just like he threatened, he told James the truth about us.”

A wave of dizziness crashed over her. “Oh no.” Don’t pass out, don’t pass out. “Did you lose your job, too?”

“Not yet. James hasn’t decided how to handle it.”

She leaned forward and covered her face with her hands just in time to hide the tears filling her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Noah. We never should have done this. This is your family business…and everything you’ve worked for—” Her voice caught and suddenly his warm body was beside hers, pulling her hands from her face.

“It’s okay. I don’t care about the job, Mia. And if I get let go, I’ll find something else to make sure we still have insurance, I promise.”

A rude, humorless laugh escaped. She yanked her arm away and glared at him. “Don’t do that. Don’t make this about me and downplay how hard it would be for you to leave Agnew.”

Surprise flashed in his eyes for a beat. He didn’t try to touch her again, and finally, he sighed. “Okay. You’re right. I love that job and I love the company. Did I see myself there, someday taking on my dad’s role? Sure. Did it feel good to see the look of pride on my dad’s face every time I did something right? Yes. But everything will work out. None of that’s more important than you. You matter more to me than all that, surely you know that by now.”

Most people would love those words, but she wasn’t most people.

She dropped her eyes, unable to look at him. “This wasn’t how this was supposed to go,” she whispered. “I wasn’t supposed to drag you deeper into this.”

“Into what? Your life?” She heard the frown in his tone. “That’s exactly where I want to be.”

A car blaring music drove by, and her eyes followed as it drove down the street.

“Has it been so bad having me there?” he asked, quieter.

Her eyes flickered to his, and she offered him the truth. “No. I’ve never been happier than these last few months. Being around you is my happy place. It didn’t matter how awkward it was at first, it still felt right. And there’s a part of me that wants to try this for real. To cancel the end date on this marriage and just be with you even when I have a job and don’t need your insurance anymore. Because when I’m there it’s like, this is where I belong, you know?”

“I don’t know where you belong if it’s not with me.” The hope in his words was hard to hear, because she wasn’t finished.

“But,” she started, and he stiffened, gaze turning wary again. “There’s always been this other part that says no. It won’t work, it’s not fair to you, it’s not the right thing to do. I’ve tried to ignore that voice because I’m selfish and I’ve been so happy. But this, right here, is exactly why I know that’s the one I have to listen to. I come with too much baggage and too many unknowns. You can’t build a life around that. We can’t.”

“I knew you’d react this way.” He raked his fingers through his hair. She didn’t attempt to fix it. “Dammit, Mia, I love you. What can I do to convince you this is what I want? That my life without you is empty, and nothing about your health or your body changes that?”

She knew he meant what he was saying, but certain parts of his life were empty because of her, too. “I don’t think you can. You’re willing to give up too much for me. Maybe if I knew you wouldn’t limit yourself because of me, we could have tried. But come on, Noah. You might have just lost your job. You don’t travel with Graham like you used to. You won’t even go ice climbing, something you’ve wanted to do your entire life, because of me. You and Nathan never shut up about ice climbing. You stopped doing things you love just because you’re worried something will happen while you’re gone. That’s no way to live.”

He didn’t try to deny it. “Can’t you see why? I’ve spent too much of my life wondering what-if. What if I had done something different, what if he’d lived, what if what if what if? So yeah, I do worry what will happen to you. But what if I let you go and I miss out on everything I feel when we’re together? I don’t care if that means I get to feel it for fifty years or five more hours. I don’t care if I’m an architect at Agnew or working somewhere else while I do it. None of that matters.” He gestured between them. “You and me together? We’re perfect. Please, don’t take that from me. From us.”

She rubbed one hand down her thigh, frustrated. He’d been through so much, and she didn’t want to hurt him. “There are parts that have been perfect,” she agreed. “But you can’t throw yourself on the fire for everyone. There will be nothing of you left. Nathan wouldn’t want you to deny yourself because he’s gone, and I don’t want you to deny yourself because I’m here.”

He leaned forward and propped his elbows on his knees, rubbing his hands down his face. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

Her eyelids burned, a ball of frustration swirling beneath her rib cage. “Do you remember what you said to me months ago, when we first talked about getting married?” she asked. “When I asked what was in it for you, you said it was helping me achieve my dream. You made this sacrifice for me—”

“It was hardly a sacrifice,” he cut in.

She ignored the interruption. “You did that for me, and I want to do the same. I want to be with you, Noah. I love you. So much I’m tempted to be a selfish bitch and ask you to let me live in your house and sleep in your bed for as long as we both want to.”

“So, forever then.”

She looked down, a brief smile tipping the corners of her mouth before sorrow took over. “But I won’t, because I want us to still pursue our dreams. Both of us. I’m going after mine, but you stopped going after yours.”

“What if you’re my dream?”

“I can’t be your only one.”

Noah regarded her, his blue eyes weary. “Have you already forgotten what I told you about Nathan and Rachel? For almost ten years, I’ve wished for you. Wished I hadn’t done something so horrible, and ruined the life of my brother’s fiancée. I wanted to deserve you, but I knew I didn’t. If Nathan and Rachel couldn’t live a happy, full life together, who was I to do that?”

Her heart ached with the pain in his words.

His voice shook, but he pressed on. “I still don’t know if I deserve this. You. But I’m done punishing myself, and done living in denial. You’re what I’ve always wanted, Mia. I wish you could feel how badly I want you, because if you did, you wouldn’t be asking me to do something as stupid as go on trips to prove it.”

“I’m not asking you to prove anything to me,” she defended. “I want you to see for yourself that things will be okay if you go. You can’t watch over me all the time, every second of every day. That’s a life neither of us should have. You need to go on that trip with Graham. You need to see that I’ll be fine, and so will you.”

He stood and walked to the porch railing, his back to her. He didn’t speak for several long moments. Then, finally, “I can’t.”

Her throat tightened. “Can’t or won’t?”

“Both.” His voice was rough. “Please don’t do this.”

She pushed to her feet and approached him from behind, slowly sliding her arms around his waist and pressing her cheek to his back. He stilled, as if holding his breath. He didn’t touch her.

“I love you, Noah. You’ve done so much for me, and I’ll never be able to explain how much that means to me. But a strong relationship is a partnership that supports both members equally. I have to know you can take care of yourself as well as you take care of me, and right now, I don’t think you can.”

His head dropped forward. He dragged in a deep breath as if he’d fought it, but his lungs had taken over, demanding oxygen. “I don’t know how,” he whispered.

She tightened her hold around his body, selfish and stupid, memorizing the feel of him. Would this be the last time she’d hug him like this? The last time to mold her body along his? “I don’t, either,” she admitted. She’d never done well apart from him. “But I think we need to put some distance between us. I—I need space. So do you.”

“Distance,” he echoed. “Space.”

She swallowed, hard. “Yes.” How she didn’t punctuate that with a question mark, she’d never know. Was this a mistake?

He pulled out of her embrace and stepped to the side. When he looked back at her she half expected him to argue again, but he just looked resigned. His voice was flat when he said, “Are you moving out, then?”

She opened her mouth, then closed it. Blinked. She hadn’t even considered that, but it was a fair question. They needed to stay married because she still needed insurance, and he’d never ask her to end that, even if they broke up. Or stopped sleeping together. Or whatever the hell they were doing.

But now that James knew it was all a sham, did it matter if they kept up appearances?

“I, um. I don’t have anywhere else to go.” Graham had taken her old room at Claire’s condo, and though after her conversation with Barbara she’d moved the letter from her parents from the duffel bag to her purse and carried it around for several days, she still hadn’t read it. “I figured I’d just go back to the guest room. For now. I can look into other options.”

A muscle flexed in his cheek and he stared straight ahead, seemingly at nothing. Finally, he nodded and went inside. The door hit the frame so hard she felt it in her bones, leaving her alone on the porch, darkness falling around her.

She sat back down in a daze, tucked his blanket around her body, inhaling his familiar scent, and let the tears fall.