What Follows

′the heart keeps sobbing in its sleep′

I catch myself wondering about things beyond the human’s mental capacity. Things like the expanding universe, the insides of a black hole, the ability of red, blue and yellow giving us the sensation of white and the words spilling out from my ex-best friend’s lips.

Joshua has stopped dry heaving to stare at her as Tobias pushes away an excited Benji while gently whispering ′not now′ to him. Sierra, however, seems glad to have taken the stage again and is openly staring at Joshua, awaiting a response.

He doesn’t give her any as his stare lingers at her almost infinitely.

"Say something!" She suddenly demands and almost everyone jumps back to life after the deathly silent moment we all had.

“You stalked me,” Joshua asks/states.

Sierra vehemently shakes her head. ”No,” she says as if his accusation is stupid. “I love you. I didn’t ′stalk′ you.”

Joshua’s nostrils flare. “You don’t call that stalking?!” He shouts. “You know things I never told Roseline about!”

“I don’t understand...why is that something that bothers you?” Sierra says. “That should make me much better than her!” Her eyes tear up and I’m almost sure that my hands should be doing greater things than shaking. Things like choking her to death.

Sadly, all I’ve been granted are rusty, ghost hands.

Joshua blinks rapidly and Tobias touches my arm, rooting me back to him and his dazzling eyes.

"You okay?” He softly slips in and I don’t answer either because I don’t know how to or because maybe I forgot to.

"My God,” Joshua whispers absently, shaking his head in disbelief. “You hated her.”

Sierra scowls in response. “It’s all her fault,” she says venomously and I consider asking Tobias to wrap his arms around me and hide me from this terrible, terrible truth. “She’s always been an attention-seeking bitch!”

I gasp on my tears and Tobias immediately steps closer with concern. What she said doesn’t only disarm me of any logical action, it seems to also numb Joshua because all he does as he watches her is speechlessly shake his head.

“I had a crush on you since sixth grade,” she says. “And she knew. She knew all that time and she stole you from me!” She explodes and I hyperventilate at her accusations.

I do remember her having a crush on him, but I never thought she was that serious about it. I would’ve never guessed that she’s an obsessive freak!

“I was never yours,” Joshua tells her sharply and black tears roll down her cheeks. Her ability to cry hits me as very odd, it deeply unsettles me. “You’re batshit crazy!”

“I’m crazy?!" Sierra looks at him with wide eyes and bared teeth. “I did everything for us! Everything! I tried everything to keep us together!”

“Just stop!” Joshua says uselessly because Sierra seems to just be getting started.

“I always made sure you were okay,” she says with a wide, almost-demonic smile. “When you told Roseline you fell off the stairs- oh, don’t look at me like that! Of course, I was eavesdropping. I didn’t want her to brainwash you!- I knew you were lying.”

Joshua looks acutely disturbed as he watches her spill her guts. “How did you know?”

“I’d know it when you’re feeling anything. I know you more than you think you know yourself,” Sierra says and it’s almost romantic. “I could tell you were lying to her about it like I knew you were to me about my phone. It’s the same thing.”

“That’s not love,” Joshua tells her.

“Isn’t it enough?!” Sierra seems to be going hysterical, completely missing the point. “I-I found DevilsPlay for us!”

“Sierra, no-”

“I knew-I knew you needed the money,” she says. “I could’ve given you it but then you’d think I’m creepy!” She goes on and her hands suddenly start shaking.

“You’re wrong,” Joshua says, not realizing that everything he utters winds her up more.

“I had someone access the dark web for it!” She gestures wildly. “I killed two birds with one stone,” She says triumphantly and I realize that I am one of the birds she was talking about. One of the birds she killed.

“I played because I had no choice!” Joshua spits. “I chose to harm myself while you chose to harm others. Rose!” He says. ”Why?”

“I had our happily ever after planned!” She shakes. “I had to remove her from the equation!”

Joshua gawks at her. “You killed her. She killed herself. Can’t you see the enormity of your disaster?”

"For us! For the greater good! Can’t you see, silly?” She blinks at him. “Besides I knew you killed your Mom and sister, I knew you would accept me for this little mistake!”

I’m a little mistake?

Joshua might as well be scared of her. “Stop talking.”

“I know you," Sierra keeps repeating and Joshua clenches his fists.

“You don’t!” He yells out, stopping her from her little daze. “I never killed them!”

“Liar!” She snaps. “You were drunk that night!”

“I wasn’t, okay?” Joshua says quickly and Sierra narrows her eyes on him. “I was never drunk,” he says slowly, casting down his eyes. “In fact, I never drove that car,” he breathes out. “I don’t even know how to drive.”

Tobias and I glance at each other and it’s funny that we find the very same things confusing. It’s like I’m a stranger to them as much as Tobias is.

But I do know for a fact that Joshua never drove me to any place.

“What do you mean? I heard your Dad talk all about how much of a selfish piece of shit you are! What could you possibly mean?!” Sierra asks him ghastly and I roll my worm-ingested fingers into fists of air.

“I mean that Sara and Mom were killed in a car accident. A hit and run,” he says, never peeling his eyes from the ground. “I mean that when my dad heard about it, he lost it. He lost it so much that when he couldn’t find someone to blame, his alcohol-stained mind sharpened its pencils and wrote a whole new scenario. A scenario with someone to blame. Me. His least favourite child.”

I blink at him and my heart goes dizzy. It’s too sad to find something to say.

"No-” Sierra tries to sound confident but fails in front of the sincerity in Joshua’s dark eyes.

“I am his least favourite, okay?” He continues, his eyes finding it fun to get drunk on salty oceans for tears. “I’ve always been since he’s found out how good at art I am. I reminded him of his brother whom he despised. It was easy for him to make me the culprit,” Joshua chokes out and I can’t stop myself from noticing something incredibly crucial.

I didn’t really know anyone, yet I judged them all and ended my life on false assumptions. It’s impossible not to cry what’s left of my soul out.

“Shit, I never thought I’d feel for Judas,” Tobias mutters beside me and I look up at his face with wide eyes. He gives me a small reassuring smile that sets my heart’s vertigo straight.

"No,” Sierra says. “Something’s wrong-”

“No, Sierra,” Joshua enunciates. “You just don’t know me as much as you claim to!”

"I know you,” she repeats and Joshua almost laughs.

“I wish you did,” he tells her sadly. “I wish I’d let someone in to help me instead of venture into something like this.” He blinks his tears away. “I wish you knew how it saddens me to this very day to wake up and see my reflection in my dad’s eyes. It depresses me to have to play this bullshit for him! But do you know what kills me the most?” He asks her rhetorically but she shakes her head anyway. “Having had to break up with Rose-”

“No-”

“Having had to break up with her when I still loved her, when she could’ve saved me, killed me the most,” he says, his shoulders dropping and his fists shaking. ”Gosh, I love her.”

My heart feels dizzy again, maybe it vomited out a couple of beats. There’s just so much regret.

“Stop talking!” Sierra thunders. ”Please!”

“You said you wanted to help me,” Joshua starts brokenly. “You broke me. Ever since you’ve introduced that game, Sierra, you broke me.”

“No!”

"I had to let her go for a stupid bloody challenge,” he confesses, his eyes tearing up. “And I was scared of not doing it because I thought it might be the ‘F-rule’. Skipping a challenge. And I couldn’t die and leave Selena with that monster of a father!”

“Well that’s the whole point of the game, isn’t it?” Sierra says. “To ruin your life. I didn’t ruin your life. You could’ve chosen to harm others-”

“I would’ve never,” he tells her solidly.

Sierra is restless with every word leaving his mouth that she won’t allow herself to believe. She’s so into the universe she’s created and embedded herself in, she can’t feel the slap reality just gave her.

′Unbelievable′ is what Tobias keeps muttering under his breath as I try to count my breaths to keep my mind from spurring out of control.

“It seems-” Sierra starts. “-that I’ve just removed Roseline from your eyes.” I gulp. “But I’ve failed to remove her from your heart,” she says slowly, eyes cast down.

“Sierra, this is just insane-”

“No,” she says, then looks up at him with a cold smirk. “You haven’t seen insane.”

Joshua looks at her cautiously and sighs. “All I want is my phone back. Please. You have your phone now. There’s no need for theatrics.”

“You said you’d rather die than be with me,” she says slowly, reaching for her back pocket.

Joshua seems to read the dark energy looming around her and takes a stance. “Sierra, please. This is ridiculous. You can’t blame me for feeling what I feel. It was your actions that makes you so unbelievably unbearable!”

Tobias whistles lowly as Sierra pulls out Joshua’s phone.

“You broke my heart,” she says with a small pout.

“You broke mine!”

Sierra unlocks the phone with a smirk. “Your password is ‘Rose’,” she grimaces. “How typical. How naive.”

Joshua tries to stay calm but any button Sierra presses on his phone can cost his life.

“Just give me it!” Joshua raises his voice but to no avail.

“I didn’t want to do this,” Sierra cries out and turns his phone’s screen to him.

Joshua’s lips part and his shoulders drop. ”Sierra-”

“I deserve to be as loved as Roseline! ’The perfect girl’.” Sierra snarls and I shake my head in dread.

“Don’t do this,” Joshua half-begs. “Don’t be cruel.”

“This is nothing compared to what I did for us!” Sierra says. “Can’t you see how far I’ve gone?”

“Sierra we can work something out together,” Joshua approaches her carefully. “Just don’t do that, don’t delete my account. It could be the F-rule for all we know.”

"Do you think I care?!” She yells in his face. “You’ve ruined my life!”

Joshua blinks rapidly, obviously helpless. He’s dealing with a lunatic. There’s no way around her.

Joshua attempts to touch her arms when she yells, ”If you touch me, I swear I’ll delete it! It’s just a press away.”

Joshua pulls back his hands with a grunt and clenches his fingers into fists. “What do you want me to do?! What is it, in heaven’s name, that you want me to do?!” Joshua yells out, stepping away from her. “You wanna be my girlfriend? Fine!" He spits out. “You’ve pretty much controlled every aspect of my life! I don’t see why you can’t have that as well!”

Sierra frowns at him. “I don’t control your life-”

Joshua isn’t having it, “Get to the point, Sierra! What do you want? I just want my phone back so I can carry on with my already messed up life!” His eyes are welling up at this point.

“I wanted you to love me,” she says and Joshua inhales too deeply, making me wonder if he has huge clouds for lungs.

"How can I?" He asks her as if trying to grasp at her every last string of logic he thinks she has left. She has none. “How do you expect me to? Help me understand how. Or would you like it if I pretended to love you?!”

“No-”

"Then?” He replies sharply, not giving her a moment to breathe.

“I just have a problem,” she confesses and Joshua looks like he’s all bloody ears. “I can’t see you with anyone but me.”

“Hm?" Joshua looks at her and clenches his jaws. “Where’s the problem in that?”

Sierra looks infuriated at his attempt to belittle her statement. “You really can’t see the problem, can you?” She asks, tilting her head. “If you can’t be with me, you can’t be with anyone else. I can’t accept that.”

Joshua looks at her like he can’t believe the bullshit he’s heard. “I said, and I quote, that you can be my girlfriend!”

Sierra shakes her head. “After having this conversation, it started dawning on me that we’ll never share that bond you had with Roseline.”

Joshua pinches his nose. “I do not want to get physical with you,” he warns her angrily. “Give me my phone!”

“I tried to love you but it didn’t do. My love to you grew and it’s time it killed you,” she singsongs and presses a button on Joshua’s phone.

She might have broken the F-rule.