Until You (Off-Limits)

Gray walks into the kitchen, a smile spreading across his face when he sees the poached eggs I made for breakfast. My eyes roam over his body, taking in the formal suit he’s wearing. Every Sunday he dresses up, and I’m pretty sure it’s a woman he’s meeting, even though he tells me he rarely dates. The care he puts into his appearance on Sundays… it’s not at all the same as during weekdays.

“Morning,” he says, and I smile at him, a little flustered. I’ve avoided him after yesterday’s boxing session, and thankfully, he’s let me.

“Nightmares?” he asks, and I blush involuntarily. I couldn’t sleep last night, because I kept wondering if he might show up in my room. My mind kept replaying the way he touched me, the way his lips almost touched mine. I don’t know how much of my dream was real, but I have a feeling I might have touched him as much as I dreamt I did.

“None.” I shake my head as I hand him a fork. “You look good,” I tell him, my eyes roaming over his suit. He glances down at his shirt and smiles.

“Ah… you like me in a suit, huh?”

I blush. I can’t help it. “I mean… it’s a nice suit. Even if it’s on you.”

Gray laughs and shakes his head. “I’m wounded.”

“You’ll get over it.”

He looks into my eyes, a sweet smile on his face. “Oh, but babe, what if I don’t?” he says, his voice soft. He looks away, shaking his head.

Every once in a while I’m certain Gray is flirting with me… but he can’t be, can he? I’m scared I’m misunderstanding him the way I did Brad. I’m starting to want things I shouldn’t even be thinking about, and I’m scared I’m reading too much into things. I’m scared of hoping for more.

Gray takes a couple of bites of his food and then pushes the plate away. “I gotta run,” he says. “Will you save this for me? I’ll eat it later.”

I can’t help but wonder where he’s going, but I know I don’t have the right to ask. I’m already intruding on his privacy by being here. I can’t question him about his whereabouts. My stomach clenches in what I can only describe as jealousy as dozens of scenarios run through my mind.

“Hot date?” I ask, unable to help myself. I don’t know why I do this. Why do I ask questions I don’t want to know the answer to? A man like Gray must be dating, even if it’s just casually.

He looks at me, an amused glint in his eyes. “If I’m lucky,” he tells me, and my heart twists painfully. I look away and wrap my arms around myself, a pang of jealousy tightening my stomach. “Come with me.”

I look up at him, my brows raised. “Come with you… on your date? Somehow I don’t think your girlfriend is going to appreciate that.”

Gray smirks and crosses his arms. “Ari, I’m going to church. Come with me.”

I blink in confusion. “You’re going to church?”

He nods and looks away, a bittersweet smile on his face. “I go every Sunday morning. Where did you think I went every Sunday?”

I never knew that about Gray. I’ve known him for years, yet somehow I keep learning more about him every day.

“Yes, I’ll come with you,” I say without thinking. I’ve not been to church in years, but I can’t say no to Gray. I can tell this means something to him, and I’m honored he’s including me.

He nods and waits patiently as I rush to get changed. He’s standing by the door, his eyes on his phone. When he looks up at me and smiles, my heart skips a beat.

“Let’s go,” he says, and I nod.

Gray is quiet on the way to church. He seems nervous and I’m curious as to why, but the atmosphere is so tense I don’t dare to ask questions.

He parks in front of the church, his eyes on the entrance. I turn to open my door, but Gray grabs my hand. His eyes never leave the church entrance, and his grip is tight. His expression looks more pained by the second. I can’t help but worry.

“Gray…”

He looks at me, and the vulnerability in his eyes undoes me.

“Ari,” he whispers. “I thought if you’re here with me, I might actually be able to go in, but I can’t do it.”

I entwine our fingers, my thumb circling over his hand as I lean back in my seat, my eyes fixed on him.

Gray looks at me and mirrors my position, the two of us staring at each other. I’m not sure why he doesn’t want to go in, but I don’t think questioning him is going to help. I think he just needs me to be here for him, and that’s exactly what I’ll do.

I know all too well what it’s like to not want to talk, no matter how badly people want you to. I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on Gray.

He brings our joined hands to his lips and presses a kiss to the back of my hand, making my heart skip a beat.

“Thank you,” he says. I nod at him, and he turns back toward the church, his gaze searching, his hand still entwined with mine.

He rests our hands in his lap, his grip tight, as though he’s holding onto me for strength. It surprises me to see him like this. I’ve never seen him as anything but strong and powerful, even when he had nothing.

Even back when we’d share meals just to save some money, Gray was my hero. He was the person I wanted to be like, the person I wanted to impress. He’s always worked hard, and he’s always been serious. He’s also always been one of the few people that believed in me. He’s always encouraged me to follow my dreams, and to ensure that those dreams are big.

Today I’m seeing a different part of Gray. He’s no less powerful, and if anything, the vulnerability he’s showing me endears him to me further.

“This is the church my mother left me at.”

I tense, a soft gasp escaping my lips.

Gray smiles, but it’s bittersweet. “I keep coming here, wondering if I might catch a glimpse of her. I know she probably wouldn’t have left me here if this is a church she frequents, but I can’t help but hope, you know?”

He turns to look at me, a desperation in his eyes that I’m all too familiar with. “Isn’t it pathetic?”

I shake my head and raise a hand to his face, cupping his cheek. “No, Gray,” I murmur. “It’s anything but that. I’d give the world to see my mother just one more time. Why would it be any different for you?”

He nods and places his hand over mine. “I need to know. I need to know why she left me. If it was because she couldn’t afford to keep me, then that’s no longer an issue, you know? I have more money than I know what to do with. And maybe, I don’t know, maybe she regrets it, but she just can’t find me.”

I nod, wanting to keep the hope right along with him. “Does the pastor know you come here every week?”

He nods. “I’ve left him my business card, just in case she ever comes to ask about me.”

“Then you’ve done all you can, Gray. So long as he knows how to reach you if she does walk in one day, then it’s okay. It’s okay to just sit here in hopes of a glimpse. You don’t have to go in if you don’t want to. I’ll sit here with you every day if you want me to.”

Gray turns his head slightly, pressing a kiss to the palm of my hand. “You would, wouldn’t you?”

I swallow hard as I attempt to calm my raging heart. “Yeah… for you, I would.”