Un2talented (Book 3 of the Un2 Series)

“Dorian, we need to get going,” Cadence urged.

“Give them a few minutes. I’m sure that they will catch up with us.”

Dorian fidgeted as he perched on the rim of the gazebo. He sporadically looked up at the entrance to the cavern.

“They stayed behind to ensure we get out of here safely.”

“I feel like I abandoned them. They came because of me.”

Cadence sat beside Dorian and took hold of his multi-hand.

“Most of the ‘they’ you speak of is right here in this cave. And, to be accurate, they came for me. Why am I here? I am here because Charlie ran a side hustle with DeLeon. Two-thirds of the people that you think you abandoned deserve what they get. The remaining third is an amazing guy that can take care of himself.”

Dorian relaxed his posture and tried to accept Cadence’s viewpoint.

“You’re holding your own hand, you know,” he chuckled.

“It’s surprisingly soft. Have you been moisturizing?” Cadence stroked her palm.

“When I can,” He answered, somewhat seriously. “Do you think not hearing an explosion or screaming is a good thing or a bad thing?”

“I thought I heard a brief screech from Charlie. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned! No explosions, that’s a good thing, too.”

Joey approached the pair.

“So, how does this gateway thing work?”

“I came here through a column of water that sucked me up and deposited me inside the gazebo. Granny told me that it works both ways.”

“Granny?” Cadence scrunched her eyebrows.

“Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you. Granny is a demi-goddess named Numia that works for the corporation that controls time. She manages the department that handles awkward moments and unfortunate circumstances. She had Raphael make this cosplay armor and then helped me to get here. She also loaned me her vest.” Dorian barely got the sentence out before running out of breath. He inhaled deeply and then blurted, “She still prefers to be called Granny, by the way. At least by us.”

“Granny is a goddess and had a ninja turtle make your armor?”

“Demi-goddess. No, on the ninja turtle, but he does make an amazing apple pie!”

“The ninja turtles didn’t bake pies.”

“I said he’s not a ninja turtle.”

“But you included the part about pie-making that made it sound like... never mind.”

“Anyway,” Joey redirected,” How do we use this thing?”

“It works like a really wet elevator. I splooshed up to get here. It will sploosh us down to get back to the Aquamino and the Chronostream.”

Joey and Cadence stared blankly back at Dorian.

“What?”

“We’re going to sploosh to the Aquamino and the Chronostream?” Joey queried.

“They’re the waters of time and the vehicle used to travel them.”

“Oh, yeah, you mentioned that.” Joey made an “exploding head” gesture.

The sound of hurried footfalls came from the entrance to the cavern. DeLeon and Leslie scrambled down the earthen steps to the cave floor.

The group gathered to meet them.

“What are you still doing here?” DeLeon asked.

“Dorian wanted to give you a chance to catch up to us. He didn’t want to leave you behind,” Reese responded. “Your recent humanization has worked to your benefit.”

“I’ll go back to being a bastard once we’re on the other side of this debacle, I assure you!”

“We’ve no reason to doubt you! What happened up there?”

DeLeon stepped aside and ushered Leslie forward.

“Do you want to take a stab at describing what we just witnessed?”

“I’ll give it a shot. Jump in if I leave anything out.”

He handed his sword to DeLeon.

“I use my hands when I talk,” he chuckled. “Nothing much happened at first when Charlie put on the breastplate. A few moments later, it shocked him like a dog collar and bent him over. It seemed like that was it, then all of a sudden, sparks were flying everywhere. He looked like the Fourth of July! DeLeon and I braced for the worst. Then, Charlie coughed up a coin. The coin was what souls used as payment for transport to the underworld. That coin grew into an undead guy. Then he coughed up more coins that turned into more undead guys. We were able to get rid of them by chopping off their heads. But then it got crazy!”

“Then it got crazy?” Joey probed.

That’s an understatement!” DeLeon interjected.

“Charlie gets this panicked look on his face and clasps his hands over his mouth. He tried so hard to hold them in, but he just couldn’t!”

“Hold what in?” Cadence asked.

“Souls. Well, coins that contained souls. Coins containing souls that turned into undead guys. He spewed coins from every orifice! Mouth. Eyes. Ears. Even his ass!”

“Those ass-souls were the worst!” DeLeon laughed.

Everyone groaned, except Dorian who laughed wholeheartedly.

“Despite the wordplay, they really were the worst!” DeLeon took over the storytelling. “All of the coins began to transform into revenants, but the ones that were ejected from Charlie’s backside must have ended up in the under-est of underworlds! I’ll get to those in a second. So, Charlie fished expelling coins and collapsed to the ground. The revenants were growing so quickly that we couldn’t keep up with the decapitation. I thought if I could best Charlie in a duel I would regain control of the armor. Then, I would be able to find a way to use the armor in our favor. Leslie and I tried to clear a path to Charlie, but the undead had a different idea. They began to work together to keep us from the armor!”

“This is where the ass-souls come in,” Leslie resumed. “As we’re hacking the heads off of the regular zombies, the ones that poured from Charlie’s backside began merging into a mega ass-soul. The hulking beast began absorbing the essence of the elements that powered the breastplate. It was becoming a creature that embodied earth, air, water, and fire. A combination of phoecock, ouroboros, and koi.”

“How on earth did you defeat that?” Reese prodded.

“We didn’t! The revenants saw it as more of a threat than we were. They’re battling the giant snallygaster as we speak.”

Dorian began to crack a smile.

“Snallyga. . .”

Cadence slipped him a side-eye and he abruptly stopped.

“We have a couple of items working in our favor. First, the creature is busy clashing with the revenants. Second, it has grown so large that it can not travel down the tunnel to where we are. It is temporarily contained within the grotto. That buys us some time to plan a course of action.”