The Unwanted Luna

Xavier

My world is filled with darkness. Nothing makes sense anymore. I thought I had time. Time to repent. Time to right my wrongs. Time to atone for my sins against her. I thought I had time, but once again, I was wrong. She is gone now. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to go on from here? How am I supposed to live? Tristan needs me but I can't master the energy to be what he needs me to be.

I feel so fucking lost. Like I am drowning over and over each day that I wake up alive and she's not. Nothing could have prepared me for a second heart break. Nothing could have prepared me to feel the bond break again. Nothing could have prepared me to lose her a second time. "Tell Tristan I love him with all my heart..."

"Pass my love to all of them..."

I shake my head. Trying to clear my head. To push back her last words. The resignation in her tone still undoes me. The pain of knowing this was it, tears at me.

It has been two weeks. Two freaking weeks and I am still hoping for a miracle. Still hoping that there is a divine move that no one saw coming. But a part of me wants me to accept reality. I felt the bond break. I saw her body dissolve into tiny specks of gold dust. Something Selene explained happens when a deity dies.

"Please come back" I whisper into the frigid air. Hoping a miracle will happen and she will appear in thin air like she always does. Needing to feel her presence.

I still find it hard to accept that. My heart still beats for her. Longing for her. How can I exist when she isn't here with me? I wanted to show her the man I have become. To show her that I had changed.

I was ready to spend the rest of my days groveling at her feet. Begging for a chance to be her mate.

Right now I just want her here. Even if she doesn't give me a second chance. Just seeing her alive and happy will be enough. Anything would be better other than having her dead.

We lost the battle, but I didn't even care. All I cared about was losing her. I thought I knew pain before. Thought that hearing her say she was in love with Nolan was heart breaking, but this? This is a thousand times worse. This is hell. Knowing your heart can never beat again. I hear the door to my room open but I don't turn around. I keep staring at my window. Staring outside. In the direction the battle took place. The place where I lost her a second time. "Xavier?" I hear Jayden call me.

I don't respond. What is the use? It's not like he lost his mate.

Fuck! I sound bitter, but the truth of the matter is that I am bitter. Bitter with everyone. Bitter with the world. How is it that we have all these fucking deities and none of them except for Selene and Nolan came to help?

They were these powerful beings but useless at the same time. A bunch of cowards, pussies. That's what they were. I get that she was the only one who could truly defeat Agron but damn it. Couldn't they have at least helped somehow? I lost her and I fucking blame them. "Xavier man, you need to get out of this room. The pack needs you, Tristan needs you" he says softly.

Tristan's name brings a painful pang to my heart. I didn't need to tell him because he already knew. He felt the bond with his mother disappear. He cried and my heart broke again seeing and feeling his pain.

But how can I comfort him when I don't know how to deal with my own pain? How was I supposed to be there for my pack when I was dealing with a loss of my own?

Truth be told. I didn't know how to go on. I didn't know how to take the next step. The next breath. Is it selfish of me to want to go with her? To leave earth behind and follow her to where her spirit is. "Xavier" Jayden touches me and it sends me out of control.

"Don't fucking touch me!" I snarl at him.

I needed to do something. I needed to vent. To hit something. To cry. Bottling the emotions inside was killing me, but then again, I was already dead. The organ beating inside me died with her on that damn battle ground.

Agron and the fucking bitch that took Amelia from me were raining hell on earth. But I couldn't care less. The world could fucking burn for all I cared.

"Xavier please. We need you. We need our leader", he begs me.

I stand up abruptly and face him. "And how the fuck I'm I supposed to be that Jayden? Tell me!" I shout at him.

"I lost her. Once again I lost and it fucking hurts. Every breath I take suffocates me and Ace knowing this time she's gone for good. I am so fucking broken I don't know how to be anything to anyone" I murmur, rubbing my chest. Trying to ease away the pain I felt there. "She's dead Jayden and I didn't even get a chance to tell her that I fucking loved her. That I genuinely fell for her and not as a result of the mate bond. I watched her die and there was nothing I could do" I say brokenly.

I sit back on the floor. Refusing to let my tears fall. I was a mess. I wasn't going to be any use to anyone.

"I know that but I promise it will get better. You survived this once before you'll survive it again" he says trying to comfort me but it has the opposite effect.

"Don't fucking tell me that! It won't get better, nothing will be the same" I growl at him. "Please just leave me alone. Unless you've lost your mate then you won't understand how I feel."

I know it's a low blow but he finally leaves. Leaving me with my regrets and pain.

He was wrong though. The first time I lost Amelia I was heartbroken because of the guilt I felt. I realize that now. I felt guilty that I had pushed her to take her own life.

These past few months, though, being around her has made me realize the type of woman she was. She loves fiercely and is loyal. I fell in love with her character, her strength. Her determination, her smile, her laugh.

How her nose twitches when she's nervous. I fell in love with small things and big things, but most importantly, I fell in love with her loyalty and love for those close to her. I fell in love with who she was.

I wanted to be in that circle. Of the people she loved and treasured. But the fates must hate me because I didn't get a chance. Mine and Bianca's love was puppy love. I see that now but what I felt for Amelia was the forever and true kind of love.

I try to reach Ace but he has blocked me. He was dealing with this on his own. Between the two of us, he was closest to her and this must be killing him.

I hear the door open again. "I told you to leave me alone Jayden", I tell him tiredly.

"It's me daddy" Tristan's small voice penetrates my foggy mind.

Still seated, I look over my shoulder.

"Hey, come here"

I haven't seen him in days. I wanted to be what he needs but I didn't know how. This time was different than when he was a baby. I felt this loss to the core.

He tentatively comes to me. Once he's near me he stands before me. I pull him down and make him sit between my spread legs. I just hold him. My perfect boy. The best part of me and Amelia. The only remaining connection I have to her. "How are you?" he asks me softly.

Damn it. How do I explain my feelings to him? I was the one who was supposed to ask him that. I was the one that was supposed to be there for me. Amelia would bust my balls if she were here right now. The thought brings an unwanted smile. "I'm good buddy. You don't have to worry about me"

"You don't have to lie to me dad. I know you miss mommy. That your heart is in pain. You don't have to hide that. I miss her too, a lot. I dream of her sometimes that she's stuck in a dark place. I try calling her but she doesn't hear me. Then I wake up crying." He murmurs before continuing.

"You have to be strong dad, please. Mommy would want us to be strong. Auntie Selene said that mommy may be gone but she will always be, in here and in here", he finishes, placing his hands on my head and my chest.

I listen to what he says and for the first time since everything happened, I cry with my son in my arms, begging whoever it is that would listen for another chance.