The Unthinkable

Lilie's POV

I grab onto the ledge of the cliff and bend over breathing heavily. My chest aches but not just from the exhaustion, but also from guilt. I stay where I am looking down at the small pebbles of the mountain. We were so far away now, there is nothing we can possibly do for him. There was nothing we could have possibly done for him. But his face. The face that held so much sorrow and pain. He had nobody but me, the girl who understood him till she left him lost in his own pain. I am now utterly convinced that the scientists had done something to change him and the pain in my chest is warning me that old Charly will never come back. Old Charly has been locked away behind powerful chemical toxins. Old Charly is drowning in his own tears as he sits watching himself fall apart. And this ladies and gentlemen, is where I learn what heartbreak is for the second time. When Nana died, I was a mess. Now that the Charly I adore is gone, I can barely function. My heart is slowly shrinking in my chest as the two wounds weep out in huge waves of pain.

Ryo's still with me, at least, so that's a good thing. He hasn't really noticed my suffering. He's only 14 anyway so all this relationship stuff is past him. He is sweet though. He has been talking about his time as a dry lander and how his father would take him out alone to train in survival lessons. He really adored his father, I could tell by the smile printed on his face and the excitement as he explained each technique. Traps, bandages, best-hit points, foraging, fighting techniques, weapon crafting and fire-making. He explained it all. It must have been why he didn't notice that I had stopped until he turned to show me the correct way to tie a knot.

'Hey, you okay? We can take a break if you want' He places his hands on my shoulders and looks down at me, concerned. Suddenly my guilt switches and my head is too dizzy. It's like a switch was flicked and now I can't make things out clearly. I try and concentrate on something but all I can think of is running or killing. Specifically, killing. I try and make out Ryo's face but I just...can't. He turns his head really fast and looks around. The colours blur together and I grab something in my backpack on instinct. Then everything speeds up.

Two boys jump down in front of us but I already had my knife clenched in my spare hand. I throw it at one of the boys and it slashes deep into his neck. He slowly collapses against the cliff making horrible gargling sounds and clutching his neck. I watch as the bright red liquid stains his top and the flimsy pieces of flesh dangle around hopelessly. I start to shake uncontrollably and the world goes quiet. The boy loses his grip on the wound and he drifts lifeless against the rock. My first murder. My first kill. I killed him. I killed a boy. I threw the knife. It hit his neck. He collapsed. He lost too much blood. He died. I killed...

It goes around my head. Over and over. I remind myself of the sin that is irreversible and make sure that I know what I've done. A hand takes my shoulder and on instinct, I shove the body away. They take a horrified scream and I swing myself around. It's Ryo. He must have taken out the other boy as I can see some specks of blood on his hands that are now clutching on the cliff edge for dear life. I drop down to the ledge and yank him upwards. He drops on the floor panting.

'I-I'm so sorry' I break out some words and then I can't help but cry.

He embraces me and holds me tightly. 'They say the first is always the worst. It's okay. You will be okay' I know he's talking about the kill. I have to keep reminding myself Ryo used to be a dry lander but he just doesn't fit it. He's so kind and sweet, he understands me. But he kills. He just killed that boy there and then, no problem. A 14-year-old boy killed another boy who, in a normal world, would have gone to the same school as him. Maybe, they could have been in some classes together. They might have even been friends. Those boys we killed had a mother and a father. They could have had siblings, dreams, achievements, friends. They had memories that we would never know of or understand. And we both crushed them away. Like that.

'Come on Lil's. The best way to get over stuff is distractions. Let's find Bess and see what she knows' He's right. I slowly get up and he follows. We walk slowly around the mountain and I stop for breaks every now and then because The stains on Ryo's shirt are making me want to hurl my stomach over the cliff. And when we stop for our 4th break I notice the movement. There is wind in the arena, another one of their fake ass effects to trick us into the illusion, but this was different. The trees all moved to the north when the wind blew but I noticed the small branches moving west. It only happened a couple of times but the wave moved slowly closer to the mountain. It went faster so I decided to tell Ryo but he was already looking and holding out a knife. Then a figure emerged. Actually...two figures emerged.

They may have been far down but I could definitely make them out and I screamed down at them before I could think. 'Anna!' Ryo covers my mouth quickly and hushes me away. I hear my voice echo around for miles and I cringe at the stupid thinking. She smiles up at me with tears in her eyes. 'Ryo lets send down the vine' He nods.

We unwind the vine from my bag and slowly lower it to them. It doesn't reach the bottom but is low enough for them to reach. Anna goes first and I notice her thin arms and legs. She looked so weak and pale, but she made it. I had to pull her up at the last part but she made it and I didn't hesitate to engulf her in a hug.

'How? Why are you here? Why are you so weak?' My voice is shaky and tears stain my cheeks.

'Elena helped me. We came to see Bess before Tanya beat me to death' She is sobbing now. I take her in my arms and over my shoulder I see Ryo looking to the floor disgusted. I ignore it and take Anna over to the wall so she can rest. Then we help Elena. She looks much younger than Anna and I am horrified by it. She must be around 7 or 8 and she definitely isn't a dry lander. She struggles climbing the rope and when she's about halfway up I hear the rustling in the trees below. She almost slips from the panic but clutches on tighter. She carries on moving but the rustling is getting even louder. Any minute now and the figure(s) will emerge. Sweat is dripping from my forehead and I chew on my bottom lip as I watch the weak child below.

'Ryo lets try pulling her up' But its too late. She loses her grip. The figure emerges. She screams. Everything happens at once. The only sentence I hear perfectly clear is from above.

'Oh my god, you guys! Way to make an entrance but seriously...What the hell!?'

'Nice to see you too Bess' Josh shouts from below and I relax. Elena sits in his arms, pale and shaky. He grins up at me and I give him the most confident smile I can muster. Xander emerges along with four other younger kids and...

Him. He's unconscious. But here. And the guilt returns. And this time I can't take it. I faint and everyone screams as I feel the air blow against my skin. I don't feel the landing. I just feel the guilt. The weeping of the wounds in my heart. And I let the melodies ring around my ears. Its sort of peaceful and I just want to stay here. In my depressing world of nothingness. Where I don't ruin anything but instead I watch my mistakes on repeat. Where any sane person would visit on interest and take one look then walk away with one sentence on their mind.

What the hell!?