The Unthinkable

Lilies POV

I wake to see all heads turned in my direction. I seem to be lying down on something soft and pillowy in a dark room. A soft glow comes from the left but my vision is too blurry to make it out. Ringing makes my headache and I mentally curse. Why the hell can’t I hear anything? I go grab my head and sit up but instead arms hold me down. I look at the blurry face and I think its talking, but I can’t hear them. So I try to move from their grip. They are strong and I am weak, so I give up soon after.

Something trickles down my left cheek and I desperately want to wipe it away. It’s an annoying itch that just needs to be itched. But my stupid hands are caught in a tight grip. If only I could see who it was or have the energy to talk. But I don’t.

Another figure approaches me in a weird blur and I try to sit up, reaching out to them. I am quickly moved back into place, falling back into the softness. The figure places a small white thing in my mouth and when I go to bite her she walks away quickly making me dizzy. The ringing gets louder for a second and I scream, but hear nothing. I want to spit the white thing out but a hand is placed roughly over my mouth and I am forced to swallow. Tears trickle down my face as the ringing increases, my headache burning against my skull. The hands set me free so suddenly, and I fall onto hard ground.

I rock back and forward, clutching my head in my shaking hands. I wail out wanting to hear my screams of pain but I can’t. I just hear ringing. So much ringing. I carry on rolling, my head bashing against the hard surface, but I’m running out of energy. I start to slow like a windup toy that’s losing power. I sob only feeling the vibrations of my chest and the wet tears dribbling against my skin. I hear none of it. Just ringing.

I sit up slowly flinching slightly. It takes time but soon I am sitting, legs wideout. I am feeling a bit stronger but the ringing is still there. I must have slept for a bit because the light is out. My vision is better and I am relieved that at least I have that back, but I still can’t hear.

I can tell I am high up but I can’t remember why or how I got here. It is a pretty sight though, this part of the arena. Stars dotted everywhere and shining so brightly. I can see the faint shadows of trees in huge groups all over and in some gaps, there are shimmering pools of water. The moon is hidden behind a cluster of clouds and the fuzzy light makes my eyes hurt again, so I shake my head and look away.

I slowly turn to see the camp. I must be high up in the mountains because the camp is based in a cave that is really cold, I just noticed that. I must have shivered loud because I wake someone. Everyone else is up on some stone ledges that climb up the mountain walls, but this figure is collapsed on the floor like me. They have mud and blood coated on their head and clothes, and they look really thin. As soon as their eyes open my jaw drops.

It’s Charly. B-But I left him in the forest...to die. He tried to kill me. How is he here?

I see his mouth move but I can’t hear him still. I just hear ringing.

‘I can’t hear you’ I tell him in probably the loudest voice ever but it doesn’t matter. I just start to shuffle backwards in case he attacks again.

He gives me a sympathetic sad smile and scratches his head looking around. Then he gets up rather excited and abruptly. I flinch back falling on my back and rolling into a ball. I go to scream but a hand clamps over my mouth.

It’s Charly again. He shakes his head with a desperate expression. His eyes look weak and kind. His bones showing through his skin. I know there is something wrong with him, but right now the look he gives me says. Please, trust me on this. So I do.

I nod and he removes his hand. He sits closer now with a new item in his hand. It’s a burnt twig. Its a long twig and the end is scorched black, dust falling on the stone floor. He drags it around on the surface and I imagine what it would sound like. Would it be a soft rustle like leaves in a spring storm or would it be harsh like a dog trying to climb oak trees with its sharp nails? I try to picture it, hear it, but I can’t.

I look down to where the stick was dragged, and I smile. There in wobbly letters is a message in thin black dust. It reads I AM SORRY and I look up to see Charly wearing a guilty frown. He must be talking about the attack. If he feels sorry for it then it helps to confirm that it wasn’t him who did it.

‘It wasn’t you was it? They controlled you’

He nods looking down at his crossed legs that are almost as thin as the twig he’s using.

‘It wasn’t your fault Charly. I forgive you’

He smiles at this. A weak and fragile smile. I can tell just lifting his lips is extremely painful so I am shocked when he moves his arms out wide. He stares dead at me, his fingers and hands shaking from the effort, then I notice his intentions. I hesitate.

Should I? Can he control it? Will, he hurt me?

I slowly shuffle towards him, pushing myself across the floor. It hurts so much but it isn’t long till I collapse into his warmth. He may be skinny but it’s still the same Charly and the same arms of the boy I love. He’s still the same, he’s just been tampered with by horrible people. His chin sits on my head and I listen to his soft breathing as my back leans into his chest. He cradles me. Brushes my hair. Comforts me. And we both learn that when he gets close up to my right ear I can hear the faint sound of his voice, it doesn’t work on the left one though. Which means I can still hear something, thank goodness.

‘Can you hear me, love?’ He whispers, the sound flowing around the ringing in my head like the breeze in a city. A breeze so unnoticed from the hustle of conversations and busy people, but I notice and nod to him smiling. He returns it.

‘I love you, I always will. But till we find out what’s wrong with me I need you to promise not to come close to me. Josh is already protective and I don’t want to hurt you again. So please just keep your distance.’

I look into his desperate eyes. He wants me to stay away to protect me. To protect us.

A flashback plays through my head of such a similar moment.

‘You know why…why I’m d-doing this right?’ I sob in his shirt.

‘Yes, Lilie. I understand fully. It will all be fine. We are all here for you’

He strokes my hair kissing my head.

I look up smiling at him.

‘But I will not hide my affection towards you because you want to keep me safe. We are both strong and there is no need to hide any emotion from me because it only stays with me’

Then I couldn’t help but catch his lips with mine as I thank him for his kind and brave words towards this nightmare we live in.

That day Charly said he wouldn't pretend and hide his feelings, so why should I? I look at him with a stern frown and his face drops into confusion. I don't know how loud I am but I say it all at once.

'I will not just hide the way I feel for you because of these assholes. I love you and we are both strong enough to get through this. There is always a way Charly. You said that. You knew we were strong so why do you push me away?'

He smiles sadly, remembering that day. Then he kisses me deeply. I get lost in him but before it can continue, he breaks away. He whispers in my good ear.

'And look where that got us'

He's right. We didn't hide our emotions last time and now they have control of Charly. It didn't work last time and we both know it.

'I love you Charly, we will fix this'

He nods sadly stroking my cheek and I kiss his hand, snuggling up to him. I concentrate on the thumps of his heart as I drift off into deep slumber. Savouring the last moments I'll have with him before we keep our distance. I can only come close when he's fixed, and something tells me it will be a long time waiting.