The Twelve Days Of Kurai’s Mass

(Kurai)

I successfully digested the partridge and the pear tree thanks to my mutant powers. Normally, a wolf would not be able to digest a tree, much less, swallow an entire tree. My belly groans and I squish it with my front paws. Day one is over and my mother didn’t succeed in saving the partridge.

“I better get started on day 2, now. Surely it can’t be as difficult as swallowing a tree,” I comment.

“Kurai, where are you going?!” my mother yells as I head for the front door.

“I need to go out,” I reply.

“You aren’t about to eat more stuff, are you?!” my mom asks.

“No, mom! I’m heading outside to poop!” I lie.

“We have a toilet inside,” my mom reminds me.

“I clogged it,” I say and run outside laughing.

“Nooooooo!” My mom howls.

Waiting for me outside is my good friend Cheese. She’s singing as usual. I wonder what my second assignment will be! She stops singing and greets me with a wave.

“Cheese! I’m ready! What happens on the second day of Christmas?” I ask, wagging my tail.

“Well, the second day of Christmas is two turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree,” Cheese says.

“I already did the partridge thing yesterday, though. So two turtledoves?” I ask.

“Sure, go for it,” Cheese says with a shrug.

“Yay! This seems easy enough! I don’t have to swallow a tree this time!” I exclaim.

I bound away again. Turtledoves look similar to partridges, I suppose, except, you know, more dove like. They are beige and their wings look like male sparrow feathers. Then they have a weird little patch of zebra stripes on their neck.

“Turtledoves! Turtledoves! Where are you?!” I call out.

A few turtledoves peer out from the branches of a tree. Yessss, there they are! I need two of them. Not one, not three…definitely not the entire flock…though that would be delicious…

“Hi! How are you?” I ask.

“Who are you? What are you?” one of the turtledoves asks, fluttering down to a lower branch.

“I’m Kurai! I’m a wolf!” I say, wagging my tail.

“Really? Well, what are you doing HERE of all places?” the turtledove asks.

“I’m doing some research for school,” I lie. “I need the assistance of a couple of you turtledoves. Two, to be exact.”

“Huh…that’s an awfully specific request,” the turtledove remarks, seeming to linger on the thought.

The others all nod in agreement. Soon, they are all cooing and discussing the matter. At first, it looks as though no brave soul will descend for me. At last, two turtledoves descend from the tree and land before me.

“You two volunteer? Cool! Thanks!” I exclaim.

“So, uhhh, what exactly was the research you needed?” one of the two asks.

BLAM! I tackle them both, pinning them to the ground. Feathers are sent flying as the birds panic. NOM! I swallow the first bird, then the second in close succession.

“FLY! SHE’S GONNA EAT US ALL!” the other turtledoves exclaim, flying away.

I belch and lick my lips. The two turtledoves thrash wildly inside my belly. Now, I gotta bring these two back to Cheese to confirm that the second assignment has been completed. I trot away happily, and much easier than when I had an entire tree in my stomach.

On my way home, it begins snowing pretty heavily. It’s cold, but at least I’m rather fluffy. I shiver a bit. I arrive relatively close to home where Cheese awaits on a rock so as to not get lost in the snow.

“Cheese! Cheese! I got two turtledoves!” I exclaim.

“Kurai! You’re back!” Cheese exclaims.

“The two turtledoves were easier than the partridge in a pear tree,” I say.

“Does it hurt?” Cheese asks.

“Not much, no,” I reply, rather casually.

“Hmmmm, that sure is an awfully long bathroom break!” my mom calls out suddenly.

(Suisen)

My daughter is on another murder spree apparently. I feel helpless to stop her sometimes. She swallowed a partridge yesterday…and a pear tree… Today, unfortunately, probably won’t be much better.

“Kurai, where are you going?!” I call out.

Kurai is on her way to the front door. OBVIOUSLY she is up to no good. She stops and turns to look at me. She’s got a mischievous look on her face.

“I need to go out,” Kurai replies, rather plainly.

“You aren’t about to eat more stuff, are you?!” I ask, knowing darn well she likely is.

“No, mom! I’m heading outside to poop!” Kurai replies.

“We have a toilet inside,” I argue, firmly.

“I clogged it,” Kurai declares and runs outside laughing her little head off.

“Nooooooo!” I howl.

Unclogging the toilet is THE WORST. I hate it when she clogs it. Reluctantly, I go to examine the toilet. Sure enough, it’s clogged.

“Ugh…” I groan.

I wanted to spend the day relaxing. I spent most of yesterday decorating. Instead, I’m unclogging the toilet. To be fair, the plumbing isn’t that good. It’s almost better to just go in a hole like the old days.

So, there’s a liiiiitle tiny problem I just realized. I don’t even have any gifts for Kurai this year. I am indefinitely off work and haven’t really found a suitable job in the meantime just yet. Not many people are willing to hire me because of why I got put on leave.

You see, not long ago, I was a police officer. I was pretty good at my job. Then my daughter’s life was in danger and I lost control of myself. I nearly killed a suspect and “needlessly” endangered myself.

I still want to do SOMETHING special for Kurai. Then again, with her being on a murder streak, maybe I SHOULDN’T do anything for her. She’s lucky I haven’t told on her to my old coworkers. They would LOVE to arrest her and send her to jail.

Well! If Kurai REALLY is out using the bathroom, she SHOULD be returning soon. I throughly clean up any remaining mess and go to look for Kurai. She’s not directly outside. I pace around the house and, nope, she’s not there.

“Where is that adult child?” I grumble.

I sit and begin counting in my head. I lose count after some time. The clouds overhead are growing dark and heavy. Next thing I know, big clumps of snow are falling from the sky.

Finally, I see movement! Oh, it’s not Kurai. It’s Cheese. What is Cheese doing out in the snow? She might get frostbite!

Kurai comes bundling through the snow. She clearly ate someone again. She stops before Cheese and the two begin talking joyfully. Seems the mouse is a bad influence on my daughter…

“Hmmmm, that sure is an awfully long bathroom break!” I call out, drawing attention to the fact that I’ve been standing there.

“Oh shoot! How long have you been standing there?!” Kurai asks, staring wide-eyed at me.

“I’ve been here since I unclogged the toilet,” I state.

“Ohhhhhh, you clogged the toilet? That’s nasty…” Cheese says with a grimace.

“Who did you eat this time?!” I yell.

“Two turtledoves,” Kurai replies.

“And a partridge in a pear tree!” Cheese exclaims.

“Get inside. BOTH of you,” I say, snarling.

“Why me?!” Cheese whines.

“You’re going to freeze your tail off if you stay out there!” I explain in frustration.

“Oh, okay,” Cheese says and shrugs her shoulders.

Cheese hops onto Kurai’s head by climbing up her nose. Kurai reluctantly walks inside with me. Kurai tilts her head and slides Cheese to the warm ground of the den. As soon as I clear my throat to start lecturing Kurai, she bolts for the door.

“ŌKAMI KURAI, YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!” I yell.

“Oh, well, this is awkward!” Cheese exclaims.

“YOU CAN’T TAKE MY TWO TURTLEDOVES FROM ME!” Kurai howls.