the ordeal of being known

Jess

Jess followed Layla to the kitchen. It wasn’t a huge mess; Amir hated having a messy kitchen, so he cleaned as he cooked. The kitchen is beautiful and spacious; it’s bohemian style, filled with colors on every corner. He got his wife to decorate it because it was the place he loved the most and he wanted it to be filled with her.

Layla was unloading the dishwasher. He helped her for a few minutes; he didn’t get the chance to tell her just how breathtaking she looked. He wished he could say it out loud, just once. He couldn’t help but envy anyone who got to say the words to her that night.

“You look so beautiful,” he signed. “So beautiful, Layla.”

“So do you,” she signed. “I hate it.”

“I wanted to dance with you tonight. I feel like I barely got glimpses of you.” It was all the truth. He had seen her when he was standing with Onika. He caught sight of her as she left and immediately knew that she had been standing there for a while. He spent the whole event being pulled by his folks from one person to another. It was safe to say he did a lot of staring from across the room.

He was pleased that she couldn’t keep her eyes away from him as well. It felt like they were equally screwed.

“Oh, trust me, you don’t want to dance with me. I never learned how to dance, so I’m really horrible.”

“Really? What about prom and stuff?”

“I never went to prom,” she said in a cold, detached manner, different from the rest of her soft replies, so he got the sense that he shouldn’t ask prod any further.

“I can teach you.” He offered his hand. She winced a little, so he rushed. “I’ll teach you the easiest one, and we’ll keep our hands on fabric so it doesn’t touch any skin. Does that make you more comfortable?”

She hesitated, and then nodded. He placed his hands on her waist, touching the fabric of her corset. They weren’t terribly close, but the proximity still sent a flutter to his heart. She placed her hands on his shoulders. Jess taught her a simple swing. They had no music, and she was very timid. She kept looking at her feet and then she watched his features, as if expecting him to tell her she’s doing a horrible job.

“See? It’s not hard.” He signed, and then placed his hands back, and they kept going. Layla was humming a song he didn’t recognize. “What are you humming? It sounds nice.”

She scoffed. “It’s Fairouz. It’s more than nice.”

He had no idea who Fairouz was, and he had a feeling that if he asked, he would sound uncultured. He made a note in his head to annoy her until she agreed to send him a full playlist.

“I’m honestly upset about our conversation tonight.”

She looked up at him. “Tell me why?”

“I don’t like Onika. I don’t care what people might think about us. I don’t think you’re lost. I think you’re guarded and I don’t say that in a bad way because how can I judge you for that when I’m also guarded? Feelings aren’t easy for me either. I’m also scared. I fear myself just as much as I fear the feeling I get when you look me in the eye.”

“You don’t even know me, Jess.”

“Layla, Layla, I watched you every day for weeks. I can tell you things and habits I know about you in vivid detail.”

“Please don’t,” she whispered.

“I wasn’t going to tell you because I don’t think you want to hear it, but I hope you’ll let me someday. Today, I learned that you don’t like touching sometimes and that feelings are hard for you. I don’t know a lot of things, but I want the chance to know more.”

Layla turned her head away, she looked angry but not at him, he honestly didn’t know what he was doing there. He just knew how it felt, he knew the craving he feel, the longing for what they could feel if they let themselves, and the need for more from her. He knew the comfort and safety of the hours they spent together.

He was nowhere near perfect and he had a lot to work on, but should that mean he had to hold back on pursuing someone his soul was so familiar with? Was that fair?

Timidly, she opened her palms. He moved his hands and placed them above hers; they weren’t touching but their hands were hovering near each other. He thought back to the one night she let him touch her, when she asked him to play with her hair, how small she sounded when she asked, how vulnerable she seemed.

“What’s taking so long?” Mateo’s voice calls, he sighed aggressively because the siblings were bothering him that day with their interruptions.

“Just think about it, okay? Please consider letting me take you on a date.” Their hands were still hovering, and he brought them a bit closer, close enough to get his skin to tingle with the idea of her touching him.

⸻

Jess went to visit his parents in their hotel room the next day. They usually got drunk after events, so he expected his mom opening the door looking like she had the worst hangover in the world.

Silently, he made them breakfast. His father watched him. Jess knew he had something he wanted to ask. There were very few things that made Andrew look away from his wife.

“So, are you finally ready to tell us about the girl?” His mom signed.

“Stop acting like you’re psychic, mom.”

“I’m not psychic. I’m just a woman.”

Andrew clapped his hands like she said something poetic. Jess rolled his eyes.

Anne always said that living with men (Jess and his dad) for so long taught her that men have no sense of intuition.

“You guys look good together. She’s beautiful.” His dad praised.

“And talented.”

Of course, they know. It’s Layla, he thought.

“Did you guys know that you loved each other early on?”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Anne said, looking fondly at her husband.

“We were a bit difficult I think.”

“He means he was, him and his stupid pride.” Andrew was homeless when he first met his wife. At the time, he thought all she felt was pity for him. People used to talk behind their backs, say he was using her for money. None of it mattered in the end. They loved each other. That was always what mattered the most.

“Were you scared? I don’t think you’re supposed to be scared of the person you love, right?” He asked them.

“Oh honey. It’s impossible not to feel scared when you care for someone so deeply. You’ll be scared of losing them, you’ll be scared of losing yourself, you’ll be scared of hurting them and them hurting you, there’s so much to fear and the truth is sometimes even when you do everything right, even when they do everything right the feeling might creep in sometimes.”

“Trust and safety take a lot of time and effort.” 

He nods, his parents ask their usual questions about his health, they ask about his sleeping habits, he continues the lie and says it’s been great and, they don’t question it because the thought of their son pretending with them doesn’t cross their minds, they trust him.

When he left their hotel room, he decided to do some more wandering, he didn’t want to go back home, he didn’t want to think about anything, he falls back into his habit of pouring his frustration into taking care of others, he headed over to Onika’s.

When he got there, Onika looked nothing like the woman who had put on a brave bright smile at the event. Dark circles surround her eyes and she looked so drained. She lets him in then threw herself on the large couch. He started cleaning around her and she watched for a few minutes.

“Couldn’t find anyone to take care of?” she asked.

“Fuck off.”

“You’re like our mother.”

“Whatever.”

“Did you know people are annoyed at us?”

“What did we do now?”

“They think we’ve been keeping the friend group a secret and they’re annoyed because they want more pictures of all of us together,” she said.

Usually Kione was the one who loved taking fun pictures and videos to post them, Jess did a quick scroll through his best friend’s account to find a lot of comments asking him when he was going to post a video with his new group of friends.

“I mean, I get it. We’re all stunning.”

“Right?” A pause, then she sat up with a more serious expression on her face. “I’m going to do it this time.”

Onika was rarely single for a long time; she had a deep fear of being alone. He could understand it, especially after what she’d been through with her mom and sister after grief tore through their family.

Recently, fixing things with her mom had massively helped her. He also knew that was how her ex, who she has been dating for two years, justified cheating. He said she was spending too much time with her mom now and that she was changing and getting new ideas.

It was complete bullshit.

Jess believed in her. This time was different. He was so proud of her; he was so glad her mom was in a better place and was making amends for all the time they lost. Onika deserved that.

“I’m proud of you.” He squeezed her shoulder. They talked until he had to go to the gym. On the way, he couldn’t help himself from texting Layla.

“I know you have a hard time sleeping sometimes, so I wanted to suggest that when you have a hard time sleeping, you could give me a call?”

She texted back a few minutes later with a simple ‘alright’.