The Maze Bummer: A Parody of The Maze Runner

Thomas went back to sleep, but instead of dreaming of girls like Newt had promised, he had a nightmare in which he was out on a Friday night and was going from party to party and each one was a bigger sausage fest than the last. And finally, when Thomas woke up, he was back in the biggest sausage fest of all.

Shortly after Thomas woke up, Alby approached.

“Ready for your tour, shank?” said Alby.

“Heck yeah,” said Thomas.

Alby walked Thomas over to the elevator in which he’d come up.

“This here’s the Box,” said Alby. “It’s where they deliver our supplies, and new pieces of sausage like you.”

“Hmmmmm,” said Thomas. “So if no one’s here to receive the delivery do they just leave it here, or do they do that annoying thing where they leave the note saying they’ll come back tomorrow but they don’t tell you what time they’re coming?”

Alby just shook his head and led Thomas away. They next headed to the corner of the Sausage Fest that was filled with tower after tower of empty pizza boxes

“Sausage Fest’s divided into four sections,” said Alby. “First one is Box Forest.”

“Wow,” said Thomas, craning his neck to look at the box towers. “You guys sure eat a lot of pizza.”

“It’s all we eat, shank,” said Alby.

“Just pizza?” said Thomas. “Why?”

“Any dude you’re friends with know how to cook?” said Alby.

Good point, thought Thomas.

Alby then led Thomas to the second corner of the Sausage Fest, where there was a gigantic hill of clothes that were all the same pale blue color as the ones everybody in the Sausage Fest wore. A bunch of dudes were working on the hill, some driving dump trucks and bulldozers. It looked like a landfill at a garbage dump.

“This next area is Dirty Clothes Mountain,” Alby said. “When your clothes get dirty, this is where they end up.”

“Why don’t you guys just wash them yourself?” said Thomas.

“Tried that once,” Alby said. “How do you think they got all blue? Dudes mixed the lights and the darks. And everything shrunk so much it was unusable. Creators figured it was just simpler to send us new clothes every few days.”

We don’t have to do laundry? Thomas thought. Suh-weeeeet.

Alby then brought Thomas over to the third corner of the Sausage Fest, which was dominated by a giant brown lake. Thomas was about to ask why it was brown, when he caught a whiff of the smell and immediately knew.

“This is called Lake Klunk,” Alby said. “I’m assuming you can figure out why.”

Thomas noticed a bunch of dudes wearing facemasks carrying wheelbarrows to the Lake and dumping them in.

“You guys don’t have toilets?” said Thomas.

“What does this look like, the klunking Embassy Suites?” said Alby.

“Why don’t you just dump the klunk in the maze?” said Thomas.

“It’s hard enough to get people to be Joggers as it is,” Alby said. “You think it’ll make it easier if we tell them they have to jog through our klunk?”

It wouldn’t be hard to get me to be a Jogger, Thomas thought. But he resisted the urge to say anything.

Alby led Thomas to the final corner of the Sausage Fest, where the frat house stood.

“Last but not least, we’ve got the frat house,” said Alby. “Remember, only members get to go upstairs.”

“How do you become a member?” asked Thomas.

“By living in the Sausage Fest. So congrats, you’re a member.”

Alby walked over to the opening in the wall nearest the frat house and pointed out toward the corridor.

“Out there, that’s the Maze,” said Alby. “Now remember, rule number one around here is—”

“I know,” said Thomas. “Only Joggers are allowed in the Maze.”

“Actually, that’s rule number two. Rule number one is: if you see a chick, sound the alarm.”

“But I thought there were no girls here,” Thomas said.

“That’s why we want you to sound the alarm, klunkface,” said Alby.

Thomas couldn’t hold it in any longer. “So how does one become a Jogger?” he asked.

Alby chuckled. “Ain’t gonna happen, shank.”

“But why?” Thomas said.

“’Cause you ain’t Asian,” said Alby.

Thomas wanted to ask what difference that made, but before he could say anything a piercing ringing filled the air, and Alby’s eyes went wide.

“No way,” said Alby. “No klunkin’ way.”

“What is it?” said Thomas.

“It’s the alarm,” said Alby. “There’s a girl here!”