The Maze Bummer: A Parody of The Maze Runner

The Sausage Fest? thought Thomas. What the heck is that?

Thomas looked around. He was standing in a vast courtyard the size of several football fields, and the courtyard was completely surrounded by four huge walls made of stone. The walls had to be 200 feet high. Each wall was split in the middle by a small opening that seemed to lead to corridors beyond.

“Where am I?” Thomas said.

“With a bunch of dudes,” said one of the boys.

Thomas guessed there were around 50 guys total, all wearing the same dull blue clothes. As he glanced around the courtyard again, he noticed that each corner was different. In one corner there were towers of pizza boxes almost as high as the wall itself. In another corner there was a large hill that looked like it consisted entirely of dirty blue clothes. In the third corner was a brown pond. And in the fourth corner was a frat house, a dilapidated wooden structure with Greek letters on the front. Frat house, Thomas thought, why do I remember that term?

“Which Keeper ya think he’s gonna get?” said one of the dudes.

“He’ll definitely be a klunker!” said another dude, and everybody laughed, except for a few of the boys who were carrying scoops and wheelbarrows full of brown stuff.

“Shut your klunken shunk-klunks!” shouted a dark-skinned dude. That must be their leader, Thomas thought.

“What is this place?” Thomas said to the guy.

“It’s a long story,” said the dark-skinned dude. “You’ll get the tour later. Name’s Alby, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you,” said Thomas. “So where are the girls?”

“Klunkhead, if we knew where the girls were do you think we’d all be sittin’ here?”

“Take it easy on him, Alby,” said a tall blonde guy. “It’s not his fault he’s another dude instead of a chick.” He extended his hand to Thomas. “I’m Newt,” he said.

Thomas shook his hand. “How did I get here?”

“Enough of the shankin’ questions, shank for brains!” said Alby. “We’ll tell you what you need to know when you need to know it! Now the first thing for you to get straight is that this place is called the Sausage Fest. Can you guess why?”

“Uh…’cause it’s a bunch of dudes?” said Thomas.

“Bingo!” said Alby. “First smart thing you’ve said all day.”

Thomas looked again at the massive walls. “Is this a prison?” he asked.

“It’s more like party!” said Newt. “The worst party you’ve ever been to, because no chicks show up.”

“Then why don’t you all just leave?” said Thomas.

Everyone burst out laughing.

“You just don’t get it, shank,” Alby said. “But you’ll learn. Tomorrow. Gettin’ late now, Joggers will be comin’ back soon. Chuck here will get you a bed.” He pointed to a short fat kid who looked like he was only about 15. “Ok everyone, we’ve still got a few minutes of daylight left, so back to work!”

The dudes all dispersed, except for Newt and Chuck. Newt approached Thomas and put his hand on Thomas’s shoulder. “First day’s always tough, shank,” he said. “Try to get some rest. And while you’re sleeping, remember to enjoy your dreams, ‘cause that’s the only time you’re gonna see a girl for the rest of your life.”

Thomas sank to the ground and just sat there. He’d been hoping he was dreaming. But with every second that passed, he realized that this nightmare was actually real.