The Lightning Fart: A Parody of The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson & the Olympians, Book 1)

Now that I’d seen Stinkera, it was time to head to the Underworld and find the iPhone. But first we were gonna get something to eat. I wasn’t about to rely on the food options in the Underworld.

Los Angeles is known for its Mexican food, so we headed to a taco place. Unfortunately, they were out of guacamole. That is, until I peeled off one of the pieces of toilet paper from the roll Stinkera gave me, and wiped myself with it. The empty guacamole dish behind the counter magically filled up with tasty guacamole.

“Seems like that might not have been the best use of the magic toilet paper,” said Annabeth.

“Hey, use it or lose it,” I said. But she did have a point. So I decided against using the other piece to make the salsa extra-spicy.

With our stomachs now full, we were ready to hit the Underworld. Chiron had texted us that the entrance to the Underworld was located at a dance club called Club Hades. But when we got there, we saw that there was a velvet rope in front with bouncers, and a crowd of hundreds of people trying to get in.

“Uh oh,” said Grover. “Looks like Club Hades is the most exclusive club in LA.”

“And I’m assuming we’re not on the list,” I said.

I was trying to think of some possible way we could get in when a limo drove up to the club. It was immediately surrounded by paparazzi, and someone got out of the limo, holding a coat over their head to keep from getting photographed. The bouncers ushered the person past the velvet rope and inside the door.

“I guess you gotta be a celebrity to get in,” I said.

“That wasn’t a celebrity,” said Annabeth.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“Next limo that pulls up, don’t try to see who the person is when they get out. Just look at their feet.”

A minute later another limo pulled up, and I focused on the person’s feet. I was stunned to see the feet were almost transparent.

“What the—?”

“They’re spirits of the dead,” said Grover. “This club is just a front that lets the Underworld have an entrance on Earth without anyone noticing.”

“So you have to be dead to get in?” I said. “What do we do now?”

“Wait here, I’ve got a plan,” said Annabeth. She ran off, and five minutes later returned holding a shopping bag from Hollywood Discount Coats. Then she pointed at me and shouted, “Hey look! It’s that missing kid from the car accident in New York!” The photographers ran over and flashbulbs started going off everywhere. Annabeth handed us each a coat from her bag. “Quick, put it over your head!” she said.

When the bouncers saw that photographers were surrounding us and we had coats on our heads, they grabbed us and ushered us into the club.

 Inside we saw a single hallway leading to an elevator with only a down button. I pressed the button and the elevator opened, revealing an elderly elevator operator with a nametag that said Charon.

Annabeth nudged me. “It’s Charon, ferryman to the Underworld!” she whispered.

“Going down, I presume?” said Charon. We nodded. He hit the Hades button on the elevator panel and we started descending.

I stifled a laugh. “Check it out,” I whispered to Annabeth and Grover. “The guy’s name is Sharon.” I thought the guy couldn’t hear me, but apparently he could, because he stopped the elevator and stared at me.

“Sorry, that was rude,” I said.

“It’s not rudeness you should be apologizing for,” he said. “It’s for saying a joke I’ve heard 50,000 times.”

He started the elevator again and we continued going down. And down. And down.

“Man it’s getting hot,” I said. “I can totally feel us getting closer to Hell. Ugh, I’m burning up in here!” I took off my shirt and wiped my brow with it. “Overheating…need water…”

“Um, Percy, the Underworld in Greek mythology doesn’t have fire everywhere,” said Annabeth. “It’s more like this big dark room where dead souls stand around. It’s actually cooler than the surface of the Earth, because there’s no sun.”

“Can’t…understand…you,” I said, taking off more clothes. “Too… hot… for… brain… functioning.”

Finally the elevator slowed and stopped, and we got out.

“Wow, this isn’t like I thought Hell would be at all,” I said. “It’s more like a big dark room that’s actually cooler than the surface of the Earth.” I immediately regretted leaving all my clothes besides my underwear on the elevator.

“Ok, first thing we need to do is head to Hades’ palace,” said Annabeth.

“Um, I don’t think it’s gonna be so simple,” said Grover. I followed his gaze and saw why. There was a sign with an arrow that said “HADES’ PALACE: 1 MILE,” but in the direction of the arrow stood a 30-foot-high, three-headed dog. The dog spotted us, and its three heads began barking like maniacs.

“That’s Cerberus, guard dog of the Underworld,” said Annabeth. “Its job is to keep living things out.”

“Well, I guess all quests can’t be successful,” I said, and turned around and started walking back toward the elevator.

“Percy!” said Annabeth. “Stop being lame and start thinking of a way to get around this thing.”

“I already thought of a way,” I said, “but unfortunately we don’t have a nuclear bomb.”

“Hmmmm,” said Grover. “I can talk to regular dogs, so I wonder if I can talk to him? If so, I could try bribing him by offering to send him some premium dog food. I bet he’s never experienced organic, grain-free dining.”

“Being forced to eat organic, grain-free dog food is probably what got him that angry in the first place,” I said. But his proposal did give me an idea. “Hey Grover, do you know how to say ‘There’s another dog right next to you’ in dog language?”

“Sure,” Grover said. “But what good will that do?”

“Just try it,” I said.

Grover walked slowly up to Cerberus and made a few barking sounds. Cerberus’ eyes widened, and the three dog heads looked at each other like they’d never realized the others were there before. They immediately went to sniff each other’s butt. Which of course was the same butt.

“Ha ha, we made them sniff their own butt!” I said.

“Uh, Percy, are you forgetting the real reason why we did that?” said Annabeth. “Run!”

We all ran under the distracted Cerberus. He barked once when he realized we were running by, but then went right back to sniffing his own butt.

“Nice job, Grover,” I said. “That almost makes up for the time you didn’t keep my Mom from getting killed and the time you didn’t keep Zeus’s daughter from getting killed.”

“Baaaa haaa haaaa,” said Grover.

We walked a mile and reached Hades’ palace. It looked like the evil version of a medieval castle, and was guarded by skeletons dressed in military uniforms from different eras and countries. There were British Redcoat skeletons, Roman gladiator skeletons, American Marine skeletons, and one caveman skeleton holding a club.

We tried to walk in the front door, but the Redcoat skeletons guarding it moved in front of the door, blocking our way.

“Come onnnnnn, guys,” I said. “What harm are we gonna ‘cause anyone? We’re two kids and a half-goat.”

They weren’t budging.

“Fine, be that way, “ I said. “And nice job on that Revolutionary War.”

I heard a giggle, and I looked over and saw an American Marine skeleton cover his mouth with his hand. Subtly, he reached behind him with his other hand and creaked open a side door.

“Come on, let’s go!” I said. I saluted the Marine and said, “Semper Fi,” and we entered the palace.

We walked down a long corridor and came to a giant room, in the middle of which was a twenty-foot-tall statue of a red guy with a goatee sitting on a throne. But then the statue’s eyes blinked, and we realized it wasn’t a statue, but Hades himself.

“Who are you, and why have you come here?” bellowed Hades. His voice shook the entire room.

“Uh…hey Hades, I’m Pooseidon’s son, Percy,” I said. “I came here because there’s something you have that I want.”

“Ha,” said Hades. “May I ask what you propose to give me in return?”

“Um…” I looked at Annabeth. “The best female goatee massage this side of the Styx?”

Annabeth shook her head.

“Or maybe something else,” I said.

“And what is it that you want from me?” said Hades.

“I want Zeus’s iPhone back.”

“What?” said Hades. “Why would I have Zeus’s iPhone? I’m an Android guy. Hey, do you want to see the special chamber of suffering I built for Steve Jobs’ soul?”

“Um, no thanks,” I said. “Look, you obviously stole Zeus’s iPhone because you wanted to start a war between the gods. So if you could just give the phone back to me now, that would be cool.”

A Viking skeleton stuck his head in the room.

“Pardon me, Lord Hades, but there’s another visitor here and he says it’s urgent.”

“Who is it?” said Hades. “We’re busy here.”

“He says his name is José from Four Star Parking,” said the skeleton.

“Well let him in, but tell him to make it fast,” said Hades.

The Viking skeleton disappeared, and a moment later a guy in a valet uniform ran in.

“Hey, that’s the valet we parked the Twerpmobile with,” said Annabeth.

The valet spotted me and came running over.

“Señor, you left your phone in the motorcycle!” said the valet. “I thought you might need it!”

He pulled out an iPhone and handed it to me. It wasn’t a normal iPhone, however. The screen was shaped like a lightning bolt, and the model number was iPhone 300, whereas the current model was only iPhone 10. Clearly it was Zeus’s iPhone.

“Thanks!” I said, taking the phone.

Annabeth elbowed me.

“I mean, gracias!”

Annabeth elbowed me even harder.

“Oh, sorry, I forgot the tip.” I fished in my pocket and handed the guy a dollar. He walked away looking unhappy for some reason.

“How dare you!” roared Hades. “You come into my palace and claim I stole Zeus’s iPhone, when you had it all along!”

“We didn’t have it, I swear!” I said. “Ares gave us that motorcycle, and he must’ve planted the iPhone inside.”

“Oh really,” said Hades skeptically. “And why would Ares want to do that?”

I had no idea. But fortunately, Annabeth did.

“Percy, this makes total sense,” said Annabeth. “Ares wanted Hades to think you stole the iPhone for Pooseidon, because then Hades would be mad at Pooseidon. Since Pooseidon’s already mad at Zeus and Zeus is mad at Hades, it would be the perfect recipe for war.”

“But why would Ares want a war?” I said. Then it hit me. “Ohhhh, who gains power when there’s a war? Ares, God of War, duh! He orchestrated this whole thing!”

“Enough of this nonsense!” said Hades. “Give me the iPhone and I will return it to Zeus. You are clearly not to be trusted.”

“You can’t give him the phone!” said Annabeth. “Think of all the evil he could do with it. He could send texts as Zeus and order everyone to do all kinds of terrible things.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Hades. “I don’t even know how to get to text messaging on an iPhone.”

“I’m sorry, Uncle Hades,” I said. “I was sent on a quest to return the phone, and I’m going to return the phone.”

 Hades shook his head and laughed. “Well if you won’t give me the phone, I’ll just have to take it from you.”

A bunch of doors flew open and soldier skeletons ran in and surrounded us. There must’ve been hundreds of them.

“You have until the count of three to hand over the phone,” said Hades. “One…”

“Percy, what do we do?” said Annabeth.

I remembered the toilet paper roll with one piece still on it. I took out the roll and tore off the piece.

“Two…” said Hades.

I wiped myself with the piece of toilet paper.

But nothing happened.

Oh no, I thought, maybe the last piece on the roll doesn’t count as a piece because half of it is glued to the roll!

“Three!” said Hades.

The skeleton soldiers rushed at us in a roar of clanging armor. I closed my eyes and silently prayed that in the afterlife they’d be lenient about downloading illegal content, since everyone else was doing it and because it wasn’t fair to ask someone to pay $12.99 for an album.

But then I felt the familiar tingling feeling. And it was a way bigger tingling than I’d ever felt before.

I opened my eyes, and it was like everything had gone into slow motion. As the soldiers inched forward, I could feel a fart building up inside me. It kept building and building, and soon I felt like a giant fart-filled balloon. Finally, just as the soldiers’ swords were about to strike us, I farted.

But it was more than just a fart. This fart was something special.

It was lightning.

The room lit up like the sun as lightning bolts shot out of my rear end in every direction. One-by-one they pierced all the onrushing skeleton soldiers and vaporized them.

Hades grabbed a red telephone. “Seal the elevator!” he shouted, then slammed the phone down and eyed me evilly. “You’ll never get away with this, Stinkson. Now you’re stuck down here with me forever!”

But then the lightning fart shot up through the ceiling, tearing a hole in it. I grabbed Annabeth and Grover and yelled, “Hang on tight!”, and we rode upwards at the speed of light on the lightning bolt.

In just seconds I watched the entire core of Earth speed by. Then I saw the surface of the Earth also speed by, and I realized we weren’t stopping. The lightning bolt continued to carry us upward, and finally it let us off on top of a cloud, at the gates of a Greek city in the sky.

Mount Olympus, home of the gods.

We entered through the gate. It was pretty cool to see a gleaming city built on top of a cloud, although I thought it was a bit annoying how they disposed of their garbage by just walking to the end of the cloud and dumping the wastebasket over the side.

Even though I’d never been to Mount Olympus before, I somehow knew exactly where I was supposed to go. I led us to a dazzling palace in the center of the city, and we entered to find ourselves in an enormous room with a semicircle of 12 thrones in the middle, one for each of the major gods. The thrones were all luxurious, made out of gold and jewels. Only one of the thrones was occupied, the throne in the middle that was much larger than the others. I didn’t need to be told who was sitting in this throne.

Zeus.

Then I noticed that at the end of the room, there was a 13th throne. Although to call it a “throne” is a bit misleading. It was more like a folding chair, and rather than being made of gold and jewels, it was made of plastic.

I didn’t need to be told who was sitting in this throne, either.

Dad.

Annabeth and Grover nodded to me and I approached the thrones alone. It felt a bit awkward seeing my dad for the first time, so I decided to talk to Zeus first. “Uncle Zeus,” I said, “I’ve brought your iPhone back.” And I handed him his phone.

“My iPhone!” he said, and hugged the phone and started crying. “I’ve missed you so much! Are you okay?”

“Well done, son,” shouted Pooseidon from across the room. “I’m very proud of you.”

“Oh, so you weren’t proud of me before?” I said. “Is that why you just took off and never once visited me? Or even wrote me a card?”

“I’m very sorry about that,” said Pooseidon. “But there’s a reason I couldn’t—”

“Nope, there’s no excuse,” I said. I couldn’t believe he was actually trying to justify never visiting me. Even if he was my dad, he was a total jerk, and I was totally over talking to him. “Zeus, I’m glad you got your phone back, but I gotta bounce,” I said. “Later.” And I turned to walk out.

“Actually Percy,” said Zeus, “your father does have a good excuse. That excuse is me.”

I stopped and turned around.

“You?” I said.

 “I forbid Pooseidon from contacting you,” said Zeus, “because I thought that if he tried to contact you there was a risk that humans might find out about him. You see, I was closed-minded. I assumed that farts were something to be ashamed of. But your actions have shown me that farts are something to be proud of, and are worth even more than their weight in gold. Which is why at the next Council of Olympus, I will propose that Pooseidon be made known to humans as the thirteenth god.”

“Woo-hoo!” I said. “That’s amazing!” But I noticed that my dad wasn’t nearly as excited as I was. “Hey Dad, isn’t this good news?” I said.

“Ask him when the next council meeting is,” said Pooseidon.

“When’s the next meeting?” I asked Zeus.

“Um, in 10,000 years,” said Zeus, a bit embarrassed. “But I’m sure we can have a special interim session.”

“Son, regardless of when the Council happens, I thank you,” said Pooseidon.

“And thank you, Dad, for all of your help with the quest,” I said. “I apologize for judging you without knowing all the facts.”

There was slightly awkward moment where my dad and I were trying to figure out whether to hug each other or something, but then an enormous thunderclap shook the building.

“Wait! Where’s my charger?” shouted Zeus.

“Chiron didn’t say anything about a charger,” I said.

“The battery’s only at 1%!” said Zeus. “How am I gonna answer my 300,000 text messages?”

“Percy, for the good of the universe, you need to get that charger back,” said Pooseidon.

I turned to Annabeth and Grover. “You guys ready for another quest?”