The Lightning Fart: A Parody of The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson & the Olympians, Book 1)

Before returning to Camp Half-Wit to prepare for the next quest, I decided to stop at my family’s apartment in New York to pick up some stuff. I knew that unfortunately this meant I’d have to see Gabe. But I’d been living without videogames and a second pair of underwear for too long.

When I got to the apartment, however, there were two big surprises:

Gabe was no longer there.

And my mom was.

“Percy!” she shouted, and ran over to me and hugged me.

“Mom, what happened?” I said. “How are you alive?”

“I have no idea,” she said. “A few days ago I just woke up here on the couch, holding this envelope.” She handed me a sealed envelope that said Percy on the front.

I opened the envelope, and inside was a note:

To Percy—

Thanks for returning my iPhone!

Here’s something you’ve been missing.

—Z

“I guess Zeus brought you back,” I said.

“No, you brought me back,” she said, and hugged me again.

I then noticed that Gabe’s couch was empty and that there were no fantasy football charts anywhere. “Where’s Gabe?” I asked.

“I kicked him out,” she said. “The only reason he was here was to hide you from the monsters. Once the monsters found you, I obviously didn’t need him around anymore. He was fine with leaving, anyway, because in exchange I had your father put in a word for him with the fantasy football gods.”

“The fantasy football gods actually exist?” I said.

“Of course,” she said. “Now tell me about your quest! I want to hear all about it.”

“I will,” I said, “I just need to use the bathroom first.” I’d forgotten to go before we left Mount Olympus.

As I walked past my bedroom on the way to the bathroom, I heard what sounded like snoring coming from inside. I wondered if my mom had gotten a dog since I’d been gone, and I opened the bedroom door to check it out. “Percy, wait!” shouted my mom. But it was too late.

I saw another kid sleeping in my bed.

The kid looked kinda like a fat version of me and was wearing a Hawaiian shirt. He woke up and stared at me in groggy confusion. “Who are you?” he said.

“Who are you?” I said.

“I’m Pearcy,” he said. “My mom lives here.”

“I’m Percy,” I said. “My mom lives here.”

Mom rushed in, obviously flustered.

“Percy, meet your half-brother Pearcy,” she said. “Pearcy, meet your half-brother Percy.”

“Half-brother?” I said. “You never told me you had any other kids.”

“I couldn’t tell you,” she said. “I had to keep all you kids separate from each other. That’s why I sent you all away to different schools. If you met each other, you might’ve figured out.”

“Figured what out?” I said. “And wait, did you say ‘all you kids’? Are there more kids than us two?”

Mom sighed. “I guess you’re finally old enough to hear this,” she said. “You know how gods are kinda like rock stars, in that they’re famous and charismatic, and people worship them?”

“Sure,” I said.

“Well have you ever heard of the term, ‘groupie?’”

“You mean the hot girls who go to rock concerts and date all the rock stars?” I said.

“Yep,” she said.

“Wait a second…Mom? You? A gods groupie?”

She shrugged. “I was super hot when I was younger! Every few weeks the gods would send down eagles to find the prettiest girls in the world and drop invites at their door. The invites were to these amazing VIP parties on Mount Olympus. I’m telling you, they were unbelievable—way better than any human party I’ve ever been to. So I went to the parties regularly, and of course one thing led to another and now I have a few kids.”

“A few?” I said. “How many, exactly?”

“Well, how many male gods are there?” she said.

“What?” I said. Then it hit me. “So Pearcy’s your son with Dionysus?”

She nodded.

I turned to Pearcy. “Did you know this?” I said.

“I thought my dad was a shoe salesman named Herman,” he said. “Why are you guys talking about ‘gods’ and ‘Mount Olympus’ and ‘Dionysus?’ You’re creeping me out.”

“I haven’t told Pearcy who he really is yet,” Mom said. “Sorry that he’s in your bed, by the way. When I heard you went on a quest, I just assumed you’d never make it back alive, so I figured I’d have Pearcy live with me for a while.”

“What are you guys talking about?” said Pearcy. “What do you mean, ‘who I really am?’”

Mom looked at me. “You think you could explain it to him?” she said. “It’d probably be more helpful coming from you.”

I nodded.

As I said before, it’s better to not know you’re a Half-Wit. Way better. But the cat was out of the bag, and it was time for the student to become the teacher.

I put my arm around Pearcy.

“Pearcy, by any chance does one of your friends have horns?” I said.

“Yeah!” he said. “How’d you know?”

Mom smiled and closed the door, leaving us alone. I took a deep breath. If I was gonna get Pearcy ready in time to join me on the next quest, I had a lot of work to do.