The Desolate

I quickly moved to Ashe’s side as my eyes followed the line of her rifle to an old grey pickup truck, nestled between two car wrecks on the side of the highway. They were less than two hundred meters away, and it seemed they’d been watching us for a little while. But it seemed that they realized we’d spotted them as the truck started moving slowly along the edge of the highway. It was late in the afternoon, and the glare from the setting sun made it difficult to make out too many details beyond the vague outline of three figures sitting in the front cab of the vehicle.

I turned to Ashe and whispered with a sense of urgency, “Take cover inside just inside the door and find a good vantage point. Don’t shoot unless they do first. I’ll talk to them the same as we did for Henry and Charlotte.”

Ashe gave me a nod before backing away inside and taking up a defensive position just by the door while I made my way down and waited by the front gate. I held my rifle up to my shoulder but aimed it down as they neared the dirt road. I made it obvious that I was watching them as they approached, lowering my rifle further once I was certain it wasn’t those idiot slavers. But my hand hovered over the pistol as the truck crept closer. I was trying not to appear threatening, but as I had discovered long ago, that was a constant challenge.

I watched as one of the passengers climbed out of the truck, disappearing up into the embankment on the far side of the highway while the other two remained with the vehicle as it turned onto the dirt road and drove up cautiously up to the gate. The glare was still striking the side of my face making it difficult to see, but when they came to a stop and cut the engine, I let out a sigh of relief. Both figures climbed out, each of them holding a rifle across their chest in a similarly non-threatening way.

It was only then that I could discern their finer details as a short middle-aged woman with tied back greying black hair and a stern narrow face approached first from the driver’s side. The other was a tall man of similar age to the woman, he hung back slightly as the woman neared the gate, clearly the muscle and not the brain. Much to my surprise, she seemed to be the leader of this small group. Still, both were well-armed and well-disciplined, the way they handled their weapons gave that away, and they had been smart enough to approach under the cover of a sniper. It all hinted that these people knew what they were doing. They looked healthy, and well fed which hinted at a well-established settlement somewhere nearby, especially if they were still out this close to dark.

Knowing Ashe had my back, I approached cautiously, watching for any sign of ill intentions. But they stopped at the gate even though it wasn’t locked, and waited for me to let them in, which was a good sign regarding their intentions. “Good evening,” I said, trying to sound as polite as I could.

“Good evening,” the woman said calmly, her eyes on me, but her senses clearly assessing the surrounding area for any sign of a threat. “Sorry to intrude, but we noticed some new neighbors had moved in while we were on our trade run, and we thought we would come over and introduce ourselves.” Her voice was firm, with an edge to it that hinted at a ‘don’t fuck with us’ attitude. The man said very little and seemed to be there mainly as a guard, he moved up behind the woman to stand just back from her.

I figured it was better to try and put their nervous neighbors at ease rather than try to start a fight, so I spoke calmly and honestly, “I apologize if we have caused any distress, we thought this place was abandoned, so we just stopped for the night. We only just arrived here ourselves and we were just passing through. We just needed a place to hold up for the night that’s all. I assume this is a safe house of yours?”

The woman nodded and eyed me with a strange expression, like one of familiarity, but she seemed to quickly push the thought aside, maintaining her calm demeanor. “Yes, this is one of our safe houses, so you are technically trespassing.” Her words made me worry for a moment before she held a hand up to stop me from responding. “But as you didn’t know, it’s fine, just restock the food supplies or replace the value in trade before you leave, and we won’t have any problems.”

I nodded, glad that they seemed reasonable enough. “That’s fair. We'll filter some water for this place as well, there doesn’t seem to be any around.”

“There is a creek with running water about fifty meters that way!” She pointed east towards the ruined town. “And we put a well in a few years ago, not far from the bridge. It should be clean, though I recommend boiling and filtering it just to be safe. You never know what might fall into it these days.”

“Understood! Thank you.”

She nodded once and seemed to relax slightly as if she had finished assessing my demeanor. “How many of you are there?”

“Just two,” I replied calmly, not wanting to start our meeting with a lie. “As I said, we're not here to cause trouble, and there was a herd moving a few kilometers back along the highway, so we didn’t want to be exposed while we try and get some sleep,” I explained, adding, “You guys are welcome to come inside. Feel free to bring your friend if you want. I’d hate for anyone to get hurt because of us with the herds on the move.”

There was uncertainty in the woman’s expression before she nodded in cautious agreement. The two of them walked in through the gate, their weapons ready. But once they saw Ashe slowly emerge from the doorway, they visibly relaxed. The universal sign of a decent person these days seemed to be the company of a woman who had not been beaten or battered. The third person in their group emerged from the trees moments later, running across the highway, and hurrying along the dirt road. She was young, maybe a year or so younger than Ashe with a scar on her cheek and forehead and long honey-blonde hair tied into a ponytail. She climbed over the front gate and moved up beside the older woman.

“What’s your name?” the older woman asked her eyes meeting mine.

“I’m Jack and this is Ashe. And you?”

The woman seemed to hesitate for a moment, her eyes widening as she looked at the man beside her. “I’m Natalie, this is Michael, and his daughter Millie.” And in that instant, the name of the woman instantly brought back a memory of the short, dark-haired woman who had been like a mother to me as a child. Her expression softened before the woman took a step forward. Her face was difficult to read; but maintaining her calm demeanour, asking “Where are you from, Jack?”

I hesitated to answer. A sense of familiarity filled me as well and my eyes met Ashe. Could it be? I couldn’t get the words out, but the memories and thoughts flashed through my mind as I felt a tear suddenly well in the corner of my eye, and the words just seemed to fall out, “There is no fucking way!”

Her cold expression dropped in an instant as she smiled, stepping forward but stopping herself when I flinched, “I’d recognize those eyes anywhere!” The woman said, sensing my instinct to pull away. But she continued forward slowly, and her hand touched my shoulder, then as if a barrier had been broken she wrapped her arms around me, her tears spilling out as emotion flooded my mind as well. She stepped back after a moment and looked at me with piercing green eyes. “Good God, you look like your father!” She whispered shaking her head as tears of joy continued to spill from the woman’s eyes. My composure was restored in an instant when my eyes met the man beside her.

I tilted my head slightly, then asked, “Do you mean, John?”

She held her hands on my shoulders, looking at me, her eyes welling up as she stared for a long moment before blurting out, “We all thought you were dead!”

Ashe looked confused at first, taking a moment to lower her rifle as she stepped forward cautiously, realizing what was happening.

The woman then backed away slightly, her look of relief and joy turned to concern, asking, “Your mother?”

I hesitated, my eyes cast down at the ground when Ashe moved up next to me, putting an arm around me, speaking on my behalf as I was still lost for words. “She passed away a long time ago. I’m sorry!”

The woman seemed to stop herself, staring at Ashe for a long moment, her expression softening once more as she turned to me. “I’m so sorry, Jack.”

I shook my head, forcing back my swelling emotions, fighting myself to regain control. “Yeah, she died a long time ago. I’ve been mostly alone ever since... At least until...” I hesitated unsure how to explain myself, glancing at Ashe once more.

Natalie smiled sadly, as more tears fell from her eyes. “I’m so, so sorry. I grieved for her a long time ago, but to know for sure…” She trailed off as the older man moved closer, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Millie?” the older woman said, directing her attention to the younger girl, “Please bring the truck inside and the supplies up to the cabin. We are staying here tonight.”

“But Aunt Natalie?” the girl protested. Natalie stared at the girl for a long moment before the girl threw her hands up in an exasperated sigh. “Fine! Let’s look after total strangers now.”

“Thank you,” the woman said calmly before turning her attention to Ashe, who was still on zombie alert, her rifle held close. “And who are you, dear?”

Ashe’s eyes were still a little skittish in zombie territory, slowing down momentarily to answer the woman’s question. “I’m Ashe… I guess you could say Jack and I are kind of together?” Her eyes looked to me for confirmation. It wasn’t the first time the thought had crossed my mind, but I suppose it was true, she had promised to stay until the end after all. So, I smiled a little and gave her a small nod of agreement, a silent approval that I too was in this until the end as well.

Then Natalie’s words caught me off guard. “What do you mean kind of, dear? Is he good to you?”

Ashe snorted back a laugh, shaking her head. “Jack has been wonderful to me. The last few weeks have been…” She paused, searching for the right words, before pushing down her sense of excitement and adding simply. “It’s been hard, but Jack is a good man.”

“I see…” the woman replied, her eyes looking up at me once again then back to Ashe. “So, you and Jack? This is all new, then?”

“It’s a long story!” Ashe replied with a smile, trying desperately to push down her nerves about where we were.

The woman smiled, holding out her hand. “We are safe enough here if we keep the noise and light low!” Natalie said, “Let’s get a drink and something to eat, and you can tell me all about it.”

Ashe smiled and forced herself to relax, accepting Natalie’s hand as the two of them moved up into the house, leaving Michael and myself to help Millie with a dozen bags of supplies. Various food items, and a few bags of various kinds of tools and equipment.

The man seemed to be on alert holding a rifle, his balding head and old-world body armor making him look tough. But I suspected it was mostly for show. We were about the same height, though my ragged-looking hair probably gave me a slight edge on the ‘tough’ looking front. His shoulders were massive though, and he was clearly well-fed. It was easy to see why Natalie took him with her if she wanted the impression of muscle. He certainly had an intimidating appearance, and his eyes were serious, though there was almost certainly a softer edge beneath the mask. No doubt he'd been worn down by experience and time. He was dressed in a faded military uniform, holding an assault rifle with steady hands. But there was a gentleness behind, reminding me a little of Isaiah Bishop. “I’m sorry if we have disrupted something,” I said, trying to get a better read on him.

He glanced at me as his eyes wandered around the area, watching for signs of movement, relaxing slightly only when the young girl was back inside the gate with the truck. “It’s all good, I just don’t like being outside the walls after dark. Not with my daughter out here.” We each took several bags from the rear of the truck, and I followed the two of them up into the cabin.

“I get it!” I said calmly as we worked, “Let’s get this place locked down so we can all relax a little.”

“Agreed!” Michael replied, before turning to Millie who had started to prepare a firepit, and said, “Leave that, no fires after dark, Amelia. Not out here, you know that!”

The younger girl shook her head and sighed, "What are we going to eat for dinner then?"

"Nothing if it has to be cooked!" Michael said firmly to the younger girl.

I stayed outside with Michael and Millie for a long time, still a little unsure of our guests, though if I’m honest my fear was more about what Natalie and Ashe were discussing, unsure if I really wanted to know. My paranoia was hard at work yet again. Especially when Michael soon retreated into the cabin leaving Millie on the back of the truck keeping watch.

I moved onto the front porch of the cabin and stood outside the door watching the highway searching for any sign that it might be a trap or maybe zombies. I couldn’t shake the thought that in my experience, if something was too good to be true, it generally was. And we had been fortunate once already on that front with the McRea family. It took me another hour to get the nerve to go inside with the others. I glanced through the glass several times watching Ashe talking with Natalie mostly as the two women prepared a meal for everyone.

When I did eventually join them, Ashe was halfway through telling the older woman about our travels out of New Alice. “Are there really massive settlements out there?” Natalie asked, looking up at me as she took a sip from what looked like a glass of wine.

“Most of what’s left of human life is out there as far as I know,” I answered honestly, “But I would hardly call it humanity in any meaningful sense of the word! There are tribes out there that make spending time with zombies the preferred option.”

Natalie nodded, understanding the implication. Before holding up her glass and gesturing to the bottle of dark red liquid. “My son-in-law Andrew makes amazingly good wine. You are welcome to try some.”

I took the bottle and moved my nose over the opening. The smell was potent, but I figured if we were going to have a small celebration at our reunion, I would break out one of my last two bottles of whisky. I poured a glass for myself and Michael, offering some to the rest of the room as well though they quickly rejected it.

Millie had moved up to the balcony by that point and shook her head from the front door when I offered the drink. She kept her distance from us, leaning against the wall of the cabin with her hand hovering over a pistol she had strapped to her thigh. She was pretty despite her scars. I approached her and held my hand out in the old-world greeting, trying to ease the tension. But it seemed her paranoia was more than a match for my own. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Amelia. We don’t have much to share, but there is some leftover kangaroo meat if you want some.”

She nodded slightly in acknowledgment but did not take my hand. “I’ll take watch, Aunt Natalie, let me know if you need anything,” Millie said to the older woman, before heading back outside. She was less than comfortable with the exchange, and understandably so. I was a stranger to her, and so was Ashe, and her cautious nature made a lot of sense in this world, so I didn’t push it—after all her attitude and demeanor were not so different to my own. The irony was that because of her cold greeting, I decided that liked this girl; she had a strong survival instinct, which no doubt served her and her group well. Natalie was undoubtedly clouded by her recognition of me, and Michael seemed to follow her lead unquestioningly. But Millie was one to be respected.

Ashe had finished the story of how we came to be where we were, before moving on and explaining the smoking and drying process for the meat she had learned from Charlotte. When she was done Natalie was full of questions about the state of the desert settlements, the numbers of people.

Michael and I sat at a table, sharing very few words over another glass of whisky each while the two women seemed to talk endlessly. Michael was a stoic-looking man, reminding me of Henry in that regard, he said very little but knew how to get his point across if needed. Yet he took direction from the older woman as if it were second nature while keeping one eye on his daughter at the same time. It was a little strange to watch, the hierarchy of this group was very unusual, and in many ways, just as I had remembered it as a kid with the women seemly holding as much say as the men in the group.

Eventually, the conversation ended after Ashe had finished explaining her story, continually talking me up with compliments, which made me uneasy. In part because I deserved none of them. Those words ate at the back of my mind, ‘Jack is a good man’. But she had no idea of the things I’d done in my life, not really. And I realized that it was something I had to make her understand if I could. This level of social interaction was something I had yet to grow accustomed to. I appreciated Michael because he was comfortable with silence, which certainly helped. Like Henry, we could sit and drink and exchange only a few words and still enjoy the company. But it seemed that Ashe and Natalie could not. She was full of questions, allowing her curiosity to sometimes cross into some odd lines of questioning.

We eventually moved outside, eating a dinner of cold soup under the stars with a view of the beach. Ashe stuck close to me, sensing my unease while Millie kept an eye on us just a few metres away. The two girls had yet to exchange a single word or even pleasantries, and there was obvious tension between them. They were a similar age, but they were from very different backgrounds with very different experiences in their lives. But after a shared meal, and as Ashe continued answering all of Natalie’s questions, the tension seemed to ease slightly. Ashe certainly seemed more relaxed in this situation, while Millie sat down near them, listening in while cleaning her rifle. Ashe then took the opportunity to do the same, seemingly making a point of trying to ease the tension between them.

“So, what have you been doing all these years, Jack? Ashe mentioned you have been nomadic recently and when you were younger?” Natalie asked as she sat down next to me, “Why didn’t you just come back? You know we would have helped you?”

I was still quiet and finding words difficult, I still could not handle emotion well at the best of times, and it was perhaps one of the main reasons I had long kept to myself. And that’s before I gave thought to all the people I’d killed along the way, and while I’d like to say they all deserved it, it just wasn’t true. I was keeping my distance from our three guests, at least in terms of details and emotion, just as Millie and Michael seemed to be doing from us. But Ashe simply put her hand on my shoulder to reassure me, and I let out a sigh before answering, “I guess it’s a bit of a long story really, and not something I enjoy going into.”

Natalie smiled a little in response, and said, “I’m sorry dear, I just want to know what happened to you and your mother, but I know it’s hard. Ashe gave me some of the details you’ve shared but… I need to know how it ended for her.” Her eyes looked down at the grass we were sitting on before continuing in an uneasy tone, “I… we loved her… me and your father. I loved them both. It’s why we were both ‘Mum’ to you, even though she was the one that gave birth to you, but still, you were ‘our’ son. The three of us.”

I closed my eyes and swallowed down my emotions before taking in a deep breath and replying, “She tried for a long time to get us back here. But we just couldn’t get south at the time, the zombies clustered and moved in herds that were tens or even hundreds of kilometers across.” I tried desperately to think of the best way to word it, to tell her that she had done it tough because of me, that she had sacrificed everything for me only to be raped and killed by a group of raiders that were less human than the zombies that had stopped us getting home.

“Speak it out loud, Jack,” Ashe whispered, “It’ll be good to talk about it.”

I nodded once to Ashe, before continuing, “I still hold myself responsible somewhere deep down, I guess. I could have shot her attackers, but she said ‘No,’ thinking they would be satisfied once they had finished with her and that she would find me after. She yelled at me, ordering me to run and hide, and no matter what, I had promised her I would do what I was told. I found her two days later, her body tortured, bones broken but still alive, barely, still suffering.” I felt Ashe wrapping me in her arms. Tears again welled up but refused to fall from my face as my hand reached for the necklace that I had kept wrapped around my neck all these years, finding the dirty gold ring that had once been hers, the one that had remained with me since that day. “She was the first person I ever killed, I shot her to end her suffering, and the men that hurt her like that…” I said coldly looking up into Natalie’s eyes, letting the implications of my words set in, hesitating again before continuing, “I found them a few days later, and I killed them too, but it was never enough. After that, there was one more guilty party to her death, one more that deserved to die. I didn’t deserve to come back after that. And when old man Bishop found me, he put me to work, gave me a cause, something to work towards. It was all bullshit though. The asshole doesn't even remember me anymore.”

Natalie said nothing, her eyes full of sadness and longing as she stared trying to understand my words.

And when my eyes met Ashe, I knew I had to tell her the truth before it was too late for both of us. She was staring as well, her expression unreadable. Fear in her eyes as she looked at me for the first time since those earliest days we’d spent together. And I whispered, “I became a ghost, doing Bishop’s dirty work for a long time. Isaiah Bishop and I led numerous war parties in the surrounding settlements over the years. And all the horrible things they say about us, they were all true.”

Ashe stuttered and said, “But… that means…”

I nodded once and finished her thought, “I was one of the soldiers that attacked Corinth… that conquered it.” Ashe took in a deep breath, closing her eyes for a long moment before she let go of my hand. “I am not innocent of those crimes, Ashe, you have to know that.”

Natalie watched me, her mouth open as she absorbed the information, while Ashe sat. Seemingly uncertain, fearful of me for the first time in weeks.

“I’m sorry!” I said, looking down, “My only goal when I left New Alice was to come back here, to find the ruins of whatever was left, and to join my family in death. I never for one second expected to bring you with me… or to find them. And believe me, there is a big part of me that deserves death and not the peaceful death I was hoping for. So don’t feel sorry for me, I don’t deserve that.”

Ashe’s hands covered her face to hide her tears. As she suddenly realized the full implications of my life.

Taking a deep breath, and staring out at the beach, I whispered, “I’m sorry!” Before turning to Natalie who was still staring, scared, angry, or both. I nodded to her and said, “I can go in the morning, just keep Ashe with you, keep her safe. She deserves the chance to have a life.”

When no response came, I stood up, pulling my rifle over my shoulder as I made my way back up to the cabin. I packed a few days of supplies into my backpack, unloading everything else for Ashe and Natalie. But when I turned to leave, Ashe was standing by the door, blocking the exit. Glaring at me, “How many people died in Corinth at your hands? How many people were raped or tortured?”

I stared at her for a long moment as I pulled on the backpack, speaking without emotion, “I carried out seven executions. But have never raped anyone.” I sighed, “But there were some people that I was with that did. And I did nothing to stop it.”

She nodded and whispered, “You know that one of them was me… and my mother. And my older brother was shot and killed trying to stop it.”

“I’m sorry!” That was all I could think to say as I looked down.

She sighed and said, “The way you look at what those men did to your mother, is the way I feel about the men that did that to us. For God's sake, I was eleven years old.”

“I understand…” I said as a deep pit opened inside me, threatening to swallow all that was left of my mind as I felt tears fall from my eyes. The image of my mother in my mind, and then of Ashe. Eventually, I whispered, “You had a right to know, especially before we went any further. The truth is, that Corinth was just one place of many. I spent ten years doing Bishop’s dirty work.”

“Why?”

I looked up into her eyes and whispered honestly, “It’s complicated, Isaiah Bishop was a friend. We spent months in this shit hole they call ‘The Pit’.”

“Wait, you were in that place?” She asked in a hushed tone, “I thought they killed everyone in there eventually?”

“They do, usually…” I sighed, “Isi and I survived nearly three months working together down there. And when the old man finally gave up trying to kill us, he was going to just have us executed. But I guess he figured we’d be more useful in other ways. Trust me I was less than human when I came out of that place, the shit I did… I’ll never forgive myself. And I’ll never ask that of you.”

She stepped forward slowly, taking in a deep breath. She sensed my mind was shutting down from the shame and the fear, wrapping me in her arms around me tightly. I forced back the burning emotions once more as my arms instinctively held her. And a moment later, she kissed my chest, whispering, “Don’t go!” She took in a deep breath, adding, “Come back and talk to everyone, Natalie doesn’t hate you for it any more than I do. I think you just shocked her more than anything.”

I sighed and nodded, dropping the backpack on one of the lounge chairs as she took my hand and led me back out to the spot overlooking the beach. Natalie and Michael were talking quietly amongst themselves, while Millie was still cleaning her rifle.

Natalie looked up, offering a reassuring smile to Ashe before looking and me and saying, “Your mother died in a way thoroughly underserving for the woman she was. Thank you for your honesty, it takes courage to face yourself like that. Most people never do.” I sat down, pulling Ashe into my lap, holding her tightly, and making no attempt to move away as we sat in a warm embrace before she asked hesitantly clearly unsure of herself. Natalie then asked, “Did you ever hurt anyone like how your mother was hurt?”

“No…” I answered flatly, “I killed a lot of people, and I worked with a lot of people who certainly did do those kinds of things. But no, I never did it myself. I worked directly under a man named Isaiah Bishop… and… whatever his father and brothers may be, whatever people say about him… he is an honorable man and a good friend. And when I asked to leave, he helped me organize it so I wouldn’t be killed for mutiny or desertion.” I let out a sigh, feeling like I was confessing all my sins to the one person I felt that I owed it to, my eyes focused on Natalie as I continued, “There were people in Isaiah’s service that were… are… cruel, I can’t deny that. And I know Isaiah wishes it was different, but…” I glanced at Ashe, “You know as well as I do what New Alice is like, what the culture is like.”

Tears were falling from Ashe’s eyes as she gave me a small nod. She hadn’t moved from my lap, and when I looked up at Natalie, tears were falling uncontrollably as well for my mother or me or both. She stood and headed back into the cabin, and Michael stood up as well to follow her. His words were reassuring but they certainly didn’t help the feeling of shame in my chest, “Natalie will understand, just give her some time. I’ll go keep an eye on her.” And he left the two of us on top of the sand dune overlooking the beach with Millie still seated nearby. She finished cleaning her rifle, pretending as if she had not been listening as she snapped the pieced back into place.

But it was clear that she had heard every word though she did not react in any discernible way at first. Then after several minutes, she said with a low growl, “I hope you slaughtered every one of those mother fuckers that hurt your mother! They got what they deserved.”

Ashe just laughed a little and shook her head, adding, “I don’t doubt it for a second!”

“Good because I’d have cut their balls off and fed it to the dogs,” She said calmly, clearly meaning it, “I swear most people are no better than fucking zombies these days!”

Ashe nodded and looked up at me once more, smiling reassuringly and kissing me softly as if telling me it was okay as if everything I’d done was somehow forgiven. And in remembering her own ordeal, she said in support of Millie’s sentiment, “Damn fuckin’ straight!”

“Hey… Jack…” Millie said, looking up at me, “You should know your father died a few months ago. As far as I’m aware he never stopped looking, he and Natalie would sometimes go on trade missions and ask around some of the other settlements. I think most of them thought he was a bit crazy he’d asked so many times. Hell, he wanted to head off for one last try right after they got back from a trade run to the west. But he got sick and eventually passed away. Aunt Natalie was with him at the end.”

“Were they together?” I asked.

“Yeah, Uncle John and Aunt Natalie were married for years,” she explained. “So was your mother I think, but I never met her. Apparently, they were in some sort of weird three-way thing, it’s kind of cute when Aunt Natalie tells the story. But I swear the whole settlement talks about him like he was some sort of mythical figure. Some of the stories are fucking crazy.”

I nodded and thought for a moment, asking, “Who was your mother?”

“Michelle is her name, she’s on the town council still.”

“I remember her, I think. And your dad. But there are so many gaps in my memory. It was a very long time ago.”

Millie smiled a little and said, “You should ask Natalie if you can read the journals, it might help you remember more. Your father kept one a year ever since the collapse. Those things are almost like religious texts to some people around here. Aunty Alisha copied them all so the settlement further east had them as well.”

“Maybe!” I said as I sat there thinking.

"Settlements to the east?" Ashe asked.

"Yeah, we have a few outposts set up so we can all move between them. They're all autonomous, but Jericho is the main hub." Millie explained.

The two girls continued talking casually as the tension subsided between them. I just sat and listened, enjoying Ashe’s warm embrace. It was good to see the two girls sort out the tension between them and between us as well, but my mind was still a mess. And I was exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. I gently moved Ashe off my lap and went inside to get an early night’s sleep. Natalie was sitting on a chair in the small living area when I walked in, sipping another glass of wine. Her eyes met mine as soon as I walked in, and she said as she wiped away a few more tears, “I’m sorry about earlier.”

I just shook my head and moved into the room, sitting down beside her. “It’s fine, I’m the one with a lifetime of regret, that’s on me.” There was a long silence between us, “Millie said that John died recently?”

She nodded, offering a sad smile. “He did.” She seemed lost in thought, adding, “He was a good man. We had four kids between the three of us, including you. I have two more boys and a girl back home. Your brothers and sister, well technically your half brothers and sister.” She clarified, “Ashe mentioned you had been on the road for years, and of course, you mentioned you did terrible things. But what exactly did you do all that time? It can't all have been killing?”

“It’s a long story,” I said as Ashe and Millie entered the room. I hesitated for just a moment before continuing, “I managed to make my way out to New Alice when I was about fifteen or sixteen. Doing what I had to so I could stay alive. I used to hide out in the ruins of the old-world town, scavenging what I could and selling them for food, clothes, and whatever else I needed. Then I met a man out there one day, his name was Isaiah Bishop. He had a slave that he’d been ordered to kill but he wouldn’t do it. So, he asked me for help, to help the girl stay alive. But she had no survival skills, and between Isi and his little sister, they ended up providing barely enough food to keep the girl alive while I did what I could to keep her safe. Anyway, eventually we got caught. Isaiah ended up in the prison or arena, or whatever it was that they call ‘The Pit’. His own father ordered him to die in the arena. But I got away and I hid, but now I couldn’t trade or even get close enough to steal anything. And eventually, I got desperate and made my way to a trader I knew…” I laughed looking at Ashe, “Rick… he gave me food and water, but he took whatever I had to trade for it, then handed me into the guards. And about two weeks after Isaiah had been sent into that hell hole, so was I. I made him a king down there, and he made me a soldier when we got out.”

I looked up at Natalie who seemed to be taking in all the information, her expression calm and cold suddenly, and when I looked at Ashe, she just gave me a small nod, encouraging me to continue. “I’ll spare you all the horrific details, except to say that the only thing to eat in that place was each other, and the only to drink was rain or blood…” I once again glanced at Ashe, adding, “And you know how often it rains in New Alice. We were down there for months, and Isi and I worked together to rule and control the other people, to fight when we had to fight and kill when we had to kill. And when we eventually won our freedom, we were anything but human. Isi’s father put him in charge of a unit of men, and tasked a dozen of us with the worst jobs you can imagine, all in the name of expansion and growth in New Alice. And we were damn good at it.” I glanced at Ashe again who was staring blankly, listing just like Millie and Natalie, and Michael who was hanging back in the small kitchen area, “We were so effective that the old man had to break us up, and his way of doing that in order to avoid civil unrest, because Isaiah was loved by a lot of people in New Alice, was to promote them, and to give us all other tasks.

“Who were the others?” Ashe asked, seemingly more curious than anything.

“Isaiah, you know, and there are a few others that either are or were in his guard unit in Corinth. James, you might know.”

“Yeah, he always came across as a good guy,” Ashe admitted.

“Yeah, he’s loyal to Isaiah, he’ll never leave his side. And Isi needs him.” Ashe nodded, encouraging me to go on, “You might know Sean and Dane, as far as I know, they’re family men now. I was in Corinth for Sean’s wedding, he’s a good man, but he’s loyal to his family, not Isaiah. Not that I blame him, and I’m sure Isaiah is aware of that. A peaceful Corinth means a happy Sean and a happy Dane. Especially with young kids.”

Ashe nodded, “Yeah, I’ve met Sean before, he’s friends with my brother Jackson, I think. Or last I heard, anyway.”

“The other four you might be more intimately familiar with…” I sighed, looking down.

“Marcus, Jake, Lewis, and Claude?” She asked. I nodded and watched her, waiting for her to elaborate. “Claude and Lewis were…” She shook her head not finishing her sentence.

“I’m sorry!” I said, “We were all animals in our own way, but those guys were predators. Isi wanted to kill them, but I think he was always worried about the backlash. Hell, I told him I’d do it after I finished serving New Alice. I got Lewis in New Alice about two years ago on a trade run for Corinth. But the others were always harder, and I couldn’t kill them in front of Isi, or he’d have to act on it.”

“I remember that!” Ashe said, adding, “Then we got Rob, but no one ever really saw him.”

“I can’t say I’ve met the man, so I couldn’t tell you much about him,” I admitted.

“What about the others?” Ashe asked.

“Jason you would have met had we gone through Lake Eyre as planned.” I said, “He’s a good man, and a family man as well. He pretty much runs Lake Eyre these days. As soon as he could get away from Marcus and Jake, he did, so he took their promotion and moved to Lake Eyre, and the settlement has been improving ever since.” I sat back thinking for a long moment, “Steve and Derek are still in full service as far as I know, they rebuilt our unit from the ground up with Isaiah’s brother Paul.”

“I’ve heard of him!” Ashe said, “He’s supposed to be some kind of crazy brute.”

I just shrugged and said, “So is Isi, remember? And trust me, that animal still exists in all of us. Me included.”

Ashe stared hesitantly then asked, “That’s only eleven including you? Is there anyone else?”

I smiled darkly, then said, “Elias…” Trying to think of the best way to describe the man I had worked so closely with for so long. “He’s a complicated man. We worked together to secure the trade routes north after the Northern War. But Elias was northern born, and he never quite shook his sympathy for them.”

Ashe stared, lost in thought for a moment before asking, “You mean their diet?”

I nodded, “That is certainly one aspect yes.”

Natalie and Michael kept glancing at each other, their expressions hard to read. I decided to try and put their minds at ease, and said, “Don’t worry, I would never ask for sanctuary. I will move on as soon as we can.” Before glancing at Ashe and saying, “You should stay with them!”

“No!” Ashe said bluntly, “Not without you.”

I just shook my head and said, “They would be insane to accept me into their community given what they know. I am not and I will never be civilized. But you have the chance at a life here.”

“I can’t accept that!” Natalie said as she leaned forward in her chair, smiling warmly. “Come back with us, you and Ashe are welcome. At least temporarily, but whether you stay or not is up to the council.”

I nodded calmly, my emotions well in check. “I'll think about it, but make sure your council assesses us separately.”

She nodded and smiled sadly, “I understand, and I’ll do what I can, “I’m sure Ashe would enjoy it there. It’s a pretty good place for her, you won’t need to worry about…well, you know!” She trailed off. I believed her, there were not many settlements I could take Ashe and not be on constant alert for her safety. I decided I would ask her and see what she thought.

“I won’t accept that!” Ashe said until I reached over and placed my hand on her knee. “You have to… promise me…”

“Think it over,” Michael said to her, “It’ll be safe for you. We’re well set up, but we could use a few more people with good survival skills like yourself. John's death left a big hole, and big shoes to fill.” His eyes met mine.

“Don’t you teach your people to survive outside the settlement?” I asked, suddenly concerned.

“Oh, we definitely do,” Natalie explained. “But there is a fair number that would much rather just work a job inside the walls and not worry about the zombies at all. Of course, it is largely thanks to John that such a thing is even possible to begin with, but so many people can be ungrateful.” She shook her head as if shaking off the topic. She smiled warmly and then changed the subject. “I still can’t believe how much you look like him, Jack. And what you did for Ashe… he would have been very proud. And from what I can tell with everything else, you did what you had to do.”

There was another long silence as my mind turned over the afternoon’s events in the company of my other mother of a sort. I decided it was as good a time as any to try and get a lay of the land, specifically the movement of the herds and any other settlements in the area. “How are the zombies around here?”

“Manageable. We set traps to catch and kill them, but there is always more around. When the world ended, there were nearly thirty million people in this country, and most of them turned in the first days of the outbreak, everyone else was basically left to fend for themselves. I doubt we will ever wipe them out, but if we can keep their numbers under control, I think we can at least function as a society.” Then Natalie had some questions of her own it seemed. “What about the rest of the continent?”

I shrugged, then explained what I had seen and heard, “The coast is pretty much clear of living people, mostly it’s just a few scavengers, smaller groups, and even a few feral tribes in the ruined cities where the people there seemed to have grown up separate of any other human contact. They hardly speak at all, and when they communicate with each other, it’s rudimentary at best. Most of them I think were children that were abandoned during the early years of the outbreak. Somehow, they survived, I met a group when I was younger, but the fact that I could speak properly seemed to throw them, so they got angry with me a lot which eventually led me to leave them. There are settlements based in the mountains to the north, and a few more are dotted around the edge of the desert. But the biggest communities are out way out, places like New Alice, Corinth, and Lake Eyre with maybe a few thousand people settled there and hundreds more trading with them regularly in the surrounding areas. They called it the great migration, claiming that tens of thousands of people are out there these days, but no one knows really.”

“John always said we would survive as a species, that it would be a struggle and we may not recognize ourselves when we are done, but that we would go on living somehow,” she explained.

“You heard about the life I lived, and the things I did. How are they any different or better than the zombies if that is all that’s left of us?” I said flatly before finishing my drink, “And what scares me the most is that most of them have no trouble whatsoever looking themselves in the eye the next morning after they finish what they've done.”

“Fair point,” Michael said as he finished his drink before lying down on the lounge, "Anyway, we should all get some sleep."

“You and Ashe can have the bedroom,” Natalie said, adding, “Michael, Millie, and I will be fine out here.”

“Are you sure?” Ashe asked.

“Of course,” Natalie said as she leaned back in the lounge chair. “I am perfectly comfortable right here.”

I glanced at Ashe and said, “It’s up to you, I understand if you would prefer to stay out here.”

“Jack, stop it…” She snapped, “You have never lied to me, and you said from day one… day fucking one… that you had done horrible things. I chose to stay because I saw in you, a man that at least cared, that felt remorse, that would try to do the right thing if he could.”

I stared back at her; she was right of course. After a moment I gave her a small nod. “Okay!” I said, “We’ll see what the town is like, but if they accept you and not me, I want you to stay where you are safe. Promise me that!” She sighed, “Please, Ashe… I need you safe… I can live with that.”

“Fine!” She growled, “But you will come back to me!”

“You have my word!” I said, adding, “I can live in this world knowing you are okay, I can make things right. But not if you’re dead.”

Ashe smiled sadly and moved closer, squeezing my hand. “Okay…”

I nodded and said, “Alright, I’m going to get some sleep. Go ahead and talk with Millie, Natalie, and Michael as long as you want.”

"Goodnight, Jack!" Ashe said, kissing my cheek, "I'll be in soon."