The Desolate

I don't remember exactly when Ashe had joined me in the night, but it was sometime after I had fallen into a deep sleep. When I opened my eyes the next morning, I found her sitting up in the early morning light that was seeping in through the closed curtains. She was still in bed beside me under a blanket focused on an old-looking book that she was trying to read. It was obviously a struggle for her. No doubt she was not helped by the very dim lighting in the room, though I’m sure it wasn’t the main reason for her difficulties. Dawn had just broken, and I was feeling more comfortable with our company, an implicit trust that I had not felt for a very long time had settled over my mind, and not just for Ashe. I reasoned with myself that they were family, and if I couldn't trust trust them, then what was the point of all this. Once again, I pushed my feelings of paranoia to the side and sat up, whispering to Ashe, “Good morning!”

Her warm smile was a welcome sight as she leaned down to kiss me before cuddling into my side. She continued to try and read the book. It was an old copy of a novel she'd pulled from one of our backpacks, well-worn from years of neglect. “I didn't realize you'd packed these,” she said, before pointed to a word, seeking my help for what it meant.

“Apocalyptic,” I answered, before taking her through some of the reading techniques my mother had once passed on to me. We read together as the morning light slowly forced its way into the room. Eventually, Ashe put the book aside and crawling up into my lap, kissing me passionately on the lips, as my hands rested on her hips, holding her body close. For some reason this time I felt self-conscious and worried that I might not be good enough in some way. But there was little sense trying to hide the fact, so I spoke honestly, “Before you, I had never had a woman before, so if I do something wrong just tell me. Okay?”

She just shrugged and kissed me, before replying, “I suppose these days that’s a bit of a shock. What are you, twenty-five?” Her hands gently caressed my cheek, as if reassuring me of her affections.

“Twenty-six,” I replied.

She just smiled and said, “Honestly, I have never been with a real man before you. Certainly not willingly, so, I suppose in a way we are in the same boat.” I couldn’t help but notice that the ample supply of protein and regular meals she had enjoyed in the last few weeks seemed to have put yet more muscle on her bones. She had developed a little more shape to her body that seemed to strike all the right notes for me. I instinctively lifted her shirt and leaned up. kissing her soft skin. And with that, all my fears and anxieties from the night before seemed to fade away. My hands gently exploring her body, moving slowly up over her ribs, finding her small breasts as my lips slowly moved over each of them in turn. They, too, seemed to have filled out since we had last done this. I planted a soft kiss on each nipple, causing her to let out a moan of pleasure before pushing me back onto the bed and working me out of my clothes in the act of heated, passionate lust.

I felt a tinge of guilt after we had finished, remembering our company outside the room. But it was truly worth every second with this beautiful woman who now sat naked and panting in my lap, her body holding me inside her as she wrapped her arms around me tightly. It seemed to be a thing for her, a comfort, as if trying to forget all that came before. “What’s that look for?” She asked with a satisfied smile on her face.

I kissed her softly on the lips and whispered, “I just love the feeling of being this close to you.”

Her face softened, smiling as her lips found mine again, “Me too.” Before she let out a sigh, as if her mind touched on a painful subject.

“What is it?” I asked.

She wrapped her arms tightly around me, not moving. “I just realized how much I enjoy this with someone who really cares. This, with you—it’s totally different!”

I could not help but feel that growing and deep sense of affection towards her, but it was not the time for a deep conversation on the subject. The day was starting to get away from us and we desperately needed to get moving. I planted one last long and lingering kiss on her lips before sliding out of her. “While I am in full agreement with you there, we should get moving,” I whispered, my guilt getting the better of me as I held her close.

“I would really much rather stay right here,” she said with a slight purr in her voice, pushing down against me one more time, allowing me to slide into her again.

“I assure you that my heart is definitely with you there,” I said with a slight groan, “but we have company.”

She pouted playfully then bit my ear. “Until next time then,” she whispered, before climbing off me and gathering her clothes once more. I just sat, watching her as she took a moment to straighten her hair and clothes.

Even the red in her hair seemed to be coming out brighter as she tied it back in her usual ponytail. Shaking off my desire to once more pull her into bed, I quickly climbed out of bed before I could be tempted to stay longer than we already had. Rushing quickly to pulled on my clothes. I stopped when I was done and approached her once more, adding, “I meant what I said last night, if it comes down to it, I’m sure they will protect you. But that may not be the same for me given the things I’d done. At the very least they would be insane to allow me to stay long term. If that happens, I want you to stay.”

Ashe shook her head and whisper, “Jack! No…” She sighed, looking down at the floor as if all the memories from out discussion the night before came flooding back. “If I can forgive you… If I can love you…” My eyes suddenly locked on hers, on hearing those words, “Oh come on Jack, as if it’s not completely obvious at this point.” She leaned into kissed me, whispering, "Until the end... I promised you."

“I guess we’ll see how things go then.” I said with a smile, repeating those words over and over in my mind. “If I can’t stay, maybe we can get a few days of food and head back to the McRea family? Back to the farmhouse?”

She nodded and said, “That’s an idea I can live with. But whatever happens, I'm with you.”

I gently wrapped her in my arms one last time, and said, “Alright, we’ll figure something out, I promise you!” Kissing her once more before releasing her and heading out of the room.

Natalie and Millie were on the front porch drinking something, and when I walked out of the cabin I could smell it right away, “Do you grow coffee?”

“There are several plantations around the area,” Natalie explained. “We have one up in the hills, and there are a few more with the settlement to the east, they use it for trade. It’s highly sought after by old-world travelers and traders. A bag of it will usually cover the price of fuel for a round trip between here and Adelaide.”

“I can imagine, we met a family back that way that said they traded regularly for coffee. A man named Henry and his wife.”

Natalie laughed and shook her head, “Oh yes, I know Henry, they were the last trade run that John and I made on our own. It was maybe six months ago now. Henry and Charlotte are good people, and they make excellent matches and candles.”

I nodded in agreement, “They were good to us, they even offered to let us stay.”

“That sounds like Henry!” Natalie said with a smile.

I made my way down to the gravel area where Michael was reloading their supplies into the truck. Natalie followed me down, leaving Millie to keep an eye out. “If you want coffee help yourself?” Natalie offered, gesturing to the fire-pit and kettle which hung over the small smoldering flame.

“Thank you,” I answered. After a night of poor sleep and a little morning exercise, I was desperate. I found several mugs by the kettle and poured myself some, before taking a seat beside Natalie.

Neither of us said much, and I couldn’t help but feel a slight uneasiness at her silence. She was observing me, making her own assessment of the risks. I was sure of that. Then Ashe emerged a short time later with our backpacks, and Millie took one before the two girls came down from the porch in mid-conversation. Ashe had packed the bags, so they were ready to go. Saving me a great deal of time. “Did you leave some ammo for the food?” I asked her.

“I did, seven of those hollow-point .44 rounds!” She smiled and wandered over, leaning down to kiss me. “Did you give them the Whiskey?”

“Michael has it,” I gestured to the bag he was loading into the back of the truck while Millie walked over to give him a hand.

She returned to the fire-pit moments later pouring coffee into a mug for her and Ashe, before she started heating up a tin of beans, pouring them into a small pot and placing it above the fire. “Thanks, Millie,” Ashe said warmly, as she was handed the coffee. She gave the second cup to Natalie before returning to the pot and stirring the beans.

“Thank you, dear,” Natalie said appreciatively, sipping the coffee. “These cups are old-world, so please take care of them. Like so many things from that time, they are getting a little long in the tooth.”

“Definitely not you, Aunt Natalie,” Millie teased. “The zombies have learnt to run when they see you!”

The older woman laughed, “It was your uncle that designed the traps, dear, that’s why they run.” Natalie said as if all of us knew the background to the discussion.

Millie thankfully was kind enough to fill us in, though I regretted the thought almost immediately as she excitedly broke into the story, “Seriously guys, they get caught in the traps, and the second they see Aunt Natalie, the look on their face is nothing short of terrified.” Ashe laughed at the thought. The two girls seemed to be bonding which was a positive sign for staying here for any length of time. She continued the story in the same tone, “Then she pulls the trigger! And BOOM! Incinerated zombies. They must communicate somehow because when they see her, they know they are all fucked.”

I offered only a small smile as I did not view killing zombies as sport or entertainment. Still, Ashe and Millie seemed to enjoy the story as both girls laughed together at the thought of a short older woman terrifying the very creatures that ended civilization as we once knew it. But Natalie spoke before I could, rebuking the young girl’s comments, “Now, now! We do not kill them for any other reason than we must. They are not evil, they are just dangerous to us, so we have to keep their numbers under control somehow.” I had to admit her response made me relax a little.

“I know Aunt Natalie, I’m just joking,” Millie replied, but the smile remained on her face. It was both a right answer and a good response. Not so much in the words that were said but in the body language expressed. Millie did not fear Natalie as a leader, she loved and respected her, and that, to me, was enough to make a final decision. No matter what, we had to stay where we were if we could.

“What do you use to incinerate them?” I asked Natalie, genuinely curious about their methods.

Natalie sipped her coffee, then spoke in a matter of fact tone, “The most efficient way to kill them is still by hand. A good clean blow to the head, it is certainly the most recourse efficient. But it can also get time-consuming and potentially dangerous, especially when they are in large herds. So, John and Michael devised a way that would simply…” She paused, searching for the right word, “Melt them!”

“Melt them?” Ashe asked skeptically.

“Yeah, I’m not so sure if that’s exactly what happens to them in Napalm, but that’s what it looks like when their blood boils, and the flesh drops away. It’s hard to describe really, there is something in their blood that energetically reacts to Napalm. The smell is awful, and it’s disgusting to watch,” Natalie explained, “But it’s very efficient, and cost effective as well.”

“That’s so gross,” Ashe said as if thinking over the image. I had to admit it unsettled me as well as I swallowed a mouthful of coffee.

“Sadly, we are running a little low on polystyrene these days though, so we have been looking for other methods.”

“What about fuel?” I asked, knowing how expensive and rare it was in New Alice.

Natalie shrugged. “It’s not cheap, but we make bio-diesel, so that helps offset the cost a little. But there is no way I would use it on zombies, it’s still far too inefficient in terms of the cost. We mainly use the bio-fuel in Napalm to keep the cost low. But there is a settlement a few hundred kilometers east on the coast that has managed to start refining fuel in the last few years, so we might start to see a bit cheaper fuel in the next year or two as they get better at it.”

“Impressive,” I said calmly.

Once I finished my coffee, I slung my rifle over my shoulder and made my way out towards the front gate where Michael had just finished packing the truck and was speaking into a short-wave radio. “Hey, Jack! How was your morning brother?” He teased, offering a knowing wink. “You two were a little on the loud side this morning.” He laughed. “A word of advice—next time try gagging the girl, we might be used to it, but the zombies still think it’s dinner time.”

We shared a laugh as I blushed slightly, “My apologies, and thanks, I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”

He laughed. “I’m only teasing Jack, it’s fine. Millie was on watch because of it though. I swear that kid of mine is paranoid, but if she’s keeping watch for you, she must think you guys are alright.”

“Yeah, Ashe and Millie seem to have hit it off! Sorry if we disturbed anyone.” I said, my embarrassment growing. Had I really become so careless? It was something to think about, mainly because that simply was not me—and with Ashe now seemingly with me for the long haul, I had to consider her safety as well.

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Natalie and I have heard it all and much worse over the years I assure you. There was sixteen of us sharing a four-bedroom farmhouse at one point, and all but three of those people were in relationships of various kinds, including two sets that were polyamorous in one form or another. Trust me, it got loud, and I knew far more about John than I ever wanted from a guy who was basically my brother.”

“Sixteen of you? How didn’t that ring the dinner bell for the zombies?”

Michael laughed. “I have no idea. We were lucky where we ended up during the early days of the outbreak. We managed to avoid most of the herds because we were up in the hills right from the start. But we also made a point of killing them whenever we could up there to stop them from building up too close to home. I swear John was born for this fuckin’ world, some of the shit that dude came up with was pure genius.”

“Like Napalm?”

Michael visibly cringed. “Yeah, like Napalm. I still remember John experimenting with that shit on them and holy shit it stank out the whole fuckin’ area! Putrid doesn't begin to cover it, but it beat wasting a few dozen rounds of ammunition.”

“Fuck!” I said, shaking my head.

“Yeah, it’s not pretty to watch either. We usually light it and run, but it’s a good prank to pull on new blood to see if they puke.” He laughed.

“Listen, with some of the things I said last night, I’ll understand if you’re uncomfortable bringing me back with you guys.” I sighed, “So just let me know. But we just need a little time to restock, we'll pay our way.”

He nodded and said, “It’s not my call to make, but I’ll put in a good word for both of you. And you have my word, I’ll protect Ashe like she’s a daughter. It’s least I can do for your old man.”

I thanked him and left Michael by the truck, he was seating in the driver’s side, operating the radio while the rest of us relaxed for a little longer. He struck me as a good guy and very loyal to Natalie, and she seemed like a very intelligent and observant woman. It was easy to see why people seemed to respect her and follow her.

Since Ashe had only just seen the beach for the first time yesterday, I decided to take her for a walk down to the shore for a closer look. Offering her a chance to experience the waves first-hand. The soft sand and the smell of seawater were unmistakable and something I had truly missed over the last few years. We were both silent as we walked along the sand, watching the sunrise over the eastern cliffs. I was just enjoying the company and watching for zombies while my thoughts diverted to our future. I really cared a lot for her, but the whole getting attached and dealing with emotions thing still scared me to death, and honestly, I didn’t know precisely how to deal with it except to take one step at a time. Henry's words stuck with me about including her in any big decisions we made.

“What is on your mind?” Ashe asked, breaking the silence.

“Right now, I’m keeping one eye open, especially given where we are while also trying to enjoy some good company.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Her hand reached across to take mine. “But I’ll take it!”

I smiled warmly, squeezing her hand slightly before speaking my mind. “Honestly, I don’t know if we could have found better than this. They seem like good people, it’s a good area, and they seem to be welcoming us, kind of.”

“My thought’s exactly, but I’m just not sure what I can offer them.” She looked down. “I mean Millie is basically a soldier who hunts zombies and raiders, as well as that she knows how to grow food when she’s not doing that. And apparently everyone else there can shoot. Meanwhile, I have no special skills to offer them that they don’t already have, everyone there has a skill of some kind and can contribute in some way. All I have known for a long time is how to survive in a cage with a bunch of bitchy women while trying not to get raped by the next asshole that came into the shop. And I was never any good at that either.” She sighed, shaking her head.

“I basically struck the lottery when you walked in, Jack. At the time I was terrified and figured ‘here we go another pervert after some tail.’” She laughed to herself. “I figured I would run away the first chance I got, but then you gave me that key and let me go anyway.” She shook her head. “I had a sudden realization at that moment that I had nowhere to go and no real survival skills, certainly not on my own, so I took a chance on a man who was kind enough to offer me a choice for the first time in my life. And as a result, for the first time in my life, I feel happy, despite the challenges we’ve faced. And here we are, a chance at a real life together.”

I smiled, pulling her closer. “Well, I hope that decision is one you don't grow to regret,” my voice sincere, pushing through my own anxieties, adding, “I am absolutely terrified of this myself—growing attached and thinking about the future. I’m fucking terrified that I will fail you in some way, terrified that this world will find a way to destroy whatever this is. That’s why I wanted to make sure you knew everything. I don’t want secrets or regrets to come between what we have.”

Her smile returned, and her fire came through once more. “You are a challenge sometimes, that is true,” she said confidently, “but I am with you for as long as you’ll put up with me. You’re a good man, Jack. I’m terrified as well for the very same reasons; I’m terrified I’ll slow you down or make life harder for you in some way. Hell, at first, I was terrified you would just abandon me in the desert or shoot me, especially after my feet started cooking in those useless fucking shoes.”

I instinctively gave a sigh of relief, squeezing her hand, “Emotions are difficult for me, they terrify me as much as letting people close, but I am trying.” I looked down at the sand. “For you, I am trying. The thought certainly crossed my mind of shooting you if you couldn’t travel, I would have done the same rather than letting you go back to that life. But I didn’t contemplate it on any serious level. In the end, I could not have found it in me to shoot you or leave you to those fucking animals in New Alice.”

“Because of Amy?” she asked, in a sympathetic tone.

I shrugged. “I’m all for mercy when it is required, but mercy implies that the person is ready to let go. You were not ready to stop fighting, and that was one of the things that I found so appealing in the first place. If your injuries were bad enough, and not just superficial burns on your feet, I might have considered it if you asked. As I said, there is no way I would have let you go back to that life, and even less chance now if I were forced to make a choice.”

She kissed my cheek and whispered, “I understand, and I would do the same for you!”

I turned and looked her in the eyes. “And it is precisely that attitude, and that fire that drew me to you in the first place.” I laughed, my mind turning over the dirt-covered slave girls face when I first saw her, the anger in her eyes when I picked her out of the crowd as the least likely to kill me. I sighed, changing the subject to the present. “You have my word that you will always have my protection and my honesty!”

She just smiled warmly, kissed me once, and let the silence return as we walked. Heading back towards the cabin a short time later.

Millie keeping watch by the gate while the other two seemed to be resting around the dying fire, drinking the last of the coffee. “Are you guys coming?” Millie teased when she saw us, giving a knowing wink to Ashe.

Ashe answered before I could. “Sure, we are on foot, so how far away are you guys?”

Natalie shook her head. “Yeah, I figured, we have one spare seat in the truck and a ton of supplies on the back.” She turned to Michael. “Can you get Jericho on the CB and tell them to send another truck to the old Thornton beach safe house, please!”

“Honestly, I can walk,” I said. “I don’t mind at all, or I can just ride in the back.”

“There are far too many zombies around here to risk that, Jack,” Natalie said in a firm motherly tone.

“I have lived with the company of zombies and not much else for nearly twenty years, I’ll be fine.”

“Not a chance in hell,” she declared, holding up her hand to tell me her decision was final, ending the discussion. “We do not leave our own out with the zombies.”

Ashe laughed, realizing I had been defeated. “She’s right, Jack. Let them help!”

Then Michael’s voice suddenly chirped from the driver’s seat of the truck. “Guys, we have a large heard come up from Petersham, maybe two kilometers south-east.”

“Shit!” Natalie hissed, “How many?”

“Luke called it in; apparently, he and Cody were out on a trade run. He said there’s about two hundred or more moving up the coastline.”

Natalie looked at me blankly, taking in a deep breath to swallow her sudden fear. “Look after your own, Natalie. Take Ashe with you, and I’ll meet you guys in Thornton when the herd passes.”

“Don’t you dare, Jack,” Ashe growled. “I will not leave you out here alone.”

“Ashe,” I said firmly to stop her. “I have done this before a thousand times, you go with Natalie, and I will meet you guys back here in a day or two when they're gone.”

“I’ve got to go with Ashe on this, Jack. Get in the back of the truck and hold on,” Natalie said forcefully.

“Guys,” Michael said, getting our attention. “We have another herd coming from the west as well. Now get in the damn truck, Jack, we’ve got to go before they block us in.” He pointed to the west where several dozen more zombies, ambled slowly along the old highway. There was still a few hundred meters of distance between us, and they still hadn’t seen us, but they soon would if we didn’t leave immediately.

“Fuck it!” I sighed, climbing into the back of the truck. I had a hard enough time in the damn cab let alone balancing on the back of one of these things.

“Get in now,” Michael ordered the girls, as Millie climbed into the truck followed by Natalie and Ashe just moments later.

The truck reversed onto the highway quickly, stopping for just a moment as I gripped a metal bar on the back of the cab holding on tightly in the utility trey as the truck lunged forward suddenly.

The small herd to the west still hadn’t spotted us despite being less than a hundred meters away, or if they had, they made no moves to give chase. They moved slowly, but with purpose as if they were heading somewhere in particular. And on the horizon, to the south-east, I could make out what looked like rising clouds of dust lifting in the distance. The herd was big, probably numbered well over a thousand, not hundreds as the report suggested.

The truck moved quickly along the side of the highway, moving in a south-east direction towards the ruins of Thornton. It looked as though someone had tried to fortify the town at one point with sturdy metal fencing having been erected around a large part of the town but had long since been left to the elements. The truck turned sharply onto a dirt road heading north towards the hills. The herd was still a little way off and did not seem to make any moves to give chase.

Michael drove us north across a small but seemingly well-maintained bridge, passing over the top of a small flowing river and onto a dirt road. But just as we crossed the bridge, the burst of gunfire rippled around us; the sound difficult to pinpoint before several more gunshots echoed around us from multiple directions. “Ambush!” I yelled banging of the window of before I lost my grip on the bar. It was like I had been kicked in the shoulder and thrown, blacking out long before I hit the ground.