The Beast Within (Book One of the Changes Series)

-Danielle’s POV-

I leaned against the closed door, listening to the taps of Porsha’s heels as she walked across the foyer while she gave Gina a piece of her mind.

Porsha was right. I wasn’t the same person she had known. I knew she didn’t buy my story, but what was I supposed to tell her, the truth? I wasn’t even sure I knew what the truth was anymore. I guess I could’ve told her how I could smell her hair from where she stood. Or how I could easily hear conversations from impossible distances as if I was standing next to the people talking. Oh, and I shouldn’t forget the never-ending rage I felt throughout the deepest parts of me.

I also could’ve just cut to the chase and let her in on the fact her friend was bat-shit crazy.

The worst part was I knew I had hurt her feelings, but again, what choice did I have? It was for her own safety; the anger I felt, especially towards her at that moment, scared even me. But it wasn’t me that felt that way towards her. For reasons unknown, the dark presence that seemed to have made its home within me felt that way. It instigated the notion that her mere presence in my home was enough justification for me to cause her bodily harm.

When Porsha had begun coming up the stairs, the voices got louder.

The memory sent a shiver slithering through me.

Nathan believed the rumbled voices were induced by the prescription drugs. That didn’t sound right to me. How could that be if I had heard them before I was taking any prescriptions? I didn’t know, so how could I expect him to?

I was just relieved when the voices weren’t haunting me. Those times were few and far between. My reprieves only lasted as long as the children were present, but I didn’t like them seeing me so weak.

Porsha’s company created the polar opposite response. The presence and voices felt stronger than I had ever experienced, and that was why I threw her out.

My sadness deepened.

Maybe someday, I would be given a chance to make things right. I moved away from the door with no real aim.

Nathan wasn’t going to be happy about Porsha’s visit, but there was no way of hiding it from him. I knew his new informant, Gina, would relay a thorough report.

Like it or not, I needed Gina. If it wasn’t for her, the house would’ve fallen apart in the first week.

I wiped at my watery eyes.

I have been reduced to nothing. I couldn’t take care of my kids, my husband, or myself. Bathing seemed to be the only choice I had any say in anymore. Feeling sorry for myself was all I ever got done with my time. I was insufferable. How Nathan dealt with all this was admirable.

Nathan has been so understanding, but he was still, well, Nathan. He ran every neurological test relevant to my situation and even a few tests that weren’t. He even seemed relieved when the tests presented me to be the picture of health, but I couldn’t share his sunny disposition. If his tests couldn’t find the problem, how could it be fixed? With nothing to blame or attack, it left me feeling hopeless. What if this was it, and I just steadily became worse? There had to be an end to his understanding, and I would be stupid to think Nathan would deal with this for the rest of his life

I even tried to tell him my worries, but he waved them off. He talked as if my condition was a phase. Maybe he was in denial.

I knew he meant well, but I was starting to feel more like one of his test studies than his wife. He was constantly taking out his notebook, noting my actions or feelings.

Maybe that was why I didn’t tell him about the red-headed girl. That wasn’t the whole truth; he knew of the time I saw her in the parking structure, but I hadn’t told him about the other times I had seen her afterward.

Couldn’t say if me telling him would make a difference. I could only go by my feelings, and I knew the voices were in my head, but the girl felt different. She didn’t feel connected to the dark entity. Everything told me she was real, which scared me to death because she couldn’t be real, right?

I’d seen her a handful of times, made up with the same clothes and hairstyle. I remembered the first time she showed herself at my home and how she sat, balancing herself on my backyard gate. Every time the girl showed up, she would stalk closer to the house, closer to me. Her disturbing stare never wavered. That was until her last visit.

Last night she was right under my window, and that was the first time she traded her penetrating stare for a smile and a wink. I looked away for a second to find she was gone.

The girl only appeared on the nights Nathan wasn’t home. As if she wasn’t meant to be known by anyone else but me. With no witnesses, I also kept the phantom girl a secret from my psychiatrist.

Plus, it didn’t help that Nathan quickly charmed Dr. O’Conner, and without fail, she agreed with all of his theories. There was a time I trusted her, but things were different. Dr. O’Conner didn’t know it, but she was way out of her league. It seemed my dark presence knew it as well.

With every session, we, my dark presence, and I observed as Dr. O’Conner enjoyed the sound of her own voice. During my last visit, my dark entity wanted to shut her mouth for her, and it used me to convey what it felt.

I chose my moment well. Dr. O’Conner thought we were making progress; I knew better. She even gave my “issues” a pseudo name, “the rage.” So, I expressed in detail what “the rage” allowed. How it made it possible for me to smell the Chinese food on her breath from the couch several feet from her. That was when her expression changed, but her frown deepened as I shared the entire conversation she had with Nathan. She knew I shouldn’t have been able to hear their talk since I was in her closed office while they were in her lobby. But her confusion wasn’t enough for me. So, I got up from the couch, walking to her desk before telling her how I knew about the heart murmur while I mimicked the beat of her fragile heart against the desk. Her confusion quickly turned to panic, and we relished in it.

When Dr. O’conner mustered the courage, she excused herself. Nathan came to collect me, letting me know the psychiatrist refused to continue treatment. At that moment, I prided myself in the knowledge that no amount of Nathan’s sweet talk would change her mind.

I thought there would be hell to pay for my antics, but surprisingly Nathan found what I did funny.

Coming out of the memory, I walked into the bathroom as I tried to keep my eyes diverted from the mirror. I already knew why Porsha gawked at my appearance, and it was embarrassing how much I had diminished.

A deep-rooted sigh escaped me as I turned on the faucet. I didn’t wait for the water to warm before I splashed some over my face.

My eyes betrayed me, looking into the mirror. I grabbed the hairbrush, unsure how to change what I saw, but I tried anyway, busying myself with the many knots and tangles. How did my hair grow this long in five weeks? It had barely touched my shoulders, but now my hair was draped over them. Giving up on my hair, I abandoned the brush in the sink before shrugging off my gown. I tried to suppress the gasp that wanted out. I was a little thinner than I was comfortable with. That in itself wasn’t shocking since my appetite hadn’t been the same, but that wasn’t what I was gawking at. All the “mommy flab” was gone.

I flexed my arms and legs to find taut skin and defined muscles in its place. This shouldn’t be possible. How does this just happen, let alone in five weeks?

Then again, I did spend most of my time in gowns and sweats. Still, I shouldn’t have missed a change of this magnitude. Honestly, I didn’t remember much of the past few weeks. Maybe the real question was, what woke me from my zombied state?

I still looked as if I had been through an exorcism, but I couldn’t deny I felt better than I had in a while. Maybe Porsha’s visit had something to do with it. Whatever it was, I was scared to question it. As if I could jinx myself, and I would slip back into the madness I’d been stuck in.

Instead of tempting fate, I started to get dressed. The thought that I might be able to spend time with my children without the lingering fuzziness made me hopeful, which I hadn’t been for a while. The anger still simmered in the background, though. I just had to do better at ignoring it.

Pulling down one of my dresses from the hanger, I slid it on with ease. The fit was looser than I would’ve liked, but I refused for my children to see me in another set of pajamas or sweats today.

Trying to keep my thoughts at bay, I continued with what I started. My hair fought against the ponytail I forced it into. I surveyed my work. Now, the dark circles underneath my eyes seemed darker without my hair to shield them. I corrected the issue with makeup the best I could.

When I looked in the mirror at my finished product, what I saw was disconcerting and empowering all at once. Was this really me?

As I continued to stare at my reflection, I felt my dark presence stir, but it quieted as I heard Gina and the kids in the driveway.

I hurried down the stairs, feeling the need to disassociate myself from the prison my room had become. The excitement of seeing my babies trumped all other concerns I had. Unsure what to do, I scurried into the kitchen, grabbing some apples for their snack.

“Gina, can I please do my reading over the weekend? It isn’t even due tomorrow,” Cameron whined.

My heart jumped into my throat. What if my kids weren’t as happy to see me as I was to see them?

I piped in, “The only way you can skip the assignment is if you hang out with your mom for the rest of the afternoon.”

“Mom?” Cameron asked.

“I’m in the kitchen preparing your snack.”

I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face as I heard my son sprinting towards me. The look on his face was priceless.

“Hey Camy-baby, how was your day?”

I haven’t called him that since he made me promise to stop his first day of kindergarten.

He plowed into my stomach, wrapping his arms around me. I had to fight hard against the tears that wanted to fall. At this moment, I realized all the emotion I hadn’t allowed myself to feel. Being lost in all of the anger and confusion, I forgot to let love in. I believed my dark presence wouldn’t let me love without twisting it, but as I held on to my son, there wasn’t any influence that could ever spoil my feelings towards my babies.

I was still in the midst of my son’s embrace when Gina and Alexis came into view. They both shared a surprised expression.

Cameron seemed to finally find a reason to let go of my midsection, but he didn’t stray far.

“I told you Mommy was going to get better,” Cameron said with his head held high.

“Hey, Baby Girl, do you have a hug for your mom?” I asked.

Lexi looked up at Gina for permission. The nanny nodded in my direction, giving her blessing. It was the first time I felt my anger directed towards Gina. I suppressed the feeling, but not before I felt my dark entity feed off the negative emotion.

Alexis bridged the gap between us. The worry in her expression didn’t go unnoticed. Was she scared of me? I wouldn’t be able to bear it if she was.

Once her arms were around me, I realized my fear was unfounded. Lexi’s hug was even tighter than her brother’s. I looked up to find Gina was still glued to the same spot.

“Gina, could you please run a few errands for me?”

My request seemed to bring her back from wherever she had gone to in her head.

“Oh, yes, Mrs. Smith, what do you need?”

“I need you to go to the grocery store.” I turned towards the children, “How does making our own pizza sound?” I asked excitedly.

Cameron’s approval was marked by the enthusiastic nodding of his head, but Lexi was a lot harder to read.

I went with it.

“That sounds like a yes to me. So I’ll make a list of all the needed pizza fixings. Oh, and if the kids want to go with you, I completely understand,” I said, smiling in Lexi’s direction.

I started making a list as Cameron grabbed the half-cut apples and made himself comfortable at the kitchen table. It was apparent he had chosen to stay.

I quickly jotted down what I needed, handing it to Gina, and readied myself for Alexis’s possible rejection. A smile crept over my face as I saw Lexi taking an apple slice and her seat next to her brother.

Gina’s expression showed her uncertainty about whether or not she should leave without my children.

“I gave you the list, right?” I coerced.

“Yes, ma’am, but—”

“Okay, we’ll see you when you get back.”

Gina slowly started towards the door, but as soon as she thought I couldn’t see her, I heard her rummaging through her purse.

“Did you lose your phone? We wouldn’t want Nathan to be out of the loop; now would we?”

She didn’t respond as I heard her stride quicken, finally leaving the house altogether.

I might or might not receive a phone call from Nathan. Either way, the time I was spending with my babies was worth any amount of contention. It didn’t take long before the three of us were enjoying the afternoon. Cameron shared his classroom adventures I hadn’t heard, causing my eyes to water with laughter. It wasn’t just because he was funny, not today anyway.