Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

“I didn’t think you’d try something this drastic,” said Dad through gritted teeth as we walked out the front door of the school.

The bailiffs had impounded the camera so now some of Dad’s cases would have to be delayed while some legal stuff was done about it.

“You knew I was extremely upset!” I said, looking at my feet. “Also it’s bad for powerful psychics to have strong emotions so I have to do something about this.”

“Why do teenagers have to blow everything out of proportion?”

“Out of proportion! How do you think I feel about this! This sort of thing could mess up my epigenetics and psychologically damage me for life and mess up my descendants not to mention whatever happens if my emotions get to fornicating strong!”

“There is something else we could try to improve your mental state.”

The room was small and circular with mirrored walls. In the middle there was a circular table with a mirrored top. A red light was shining in the middle of the ceiling and a number of cyan lights around the edge. A nibeyah with mystical symbols on her robes stood in the middle.

“Sorry,” said Dad, “but I thought you were a matchmaker.”

Dad had decided I needed cheering up. He and Mum had decided to consult matchmakers about my problem. We’d called at the town hall to to see Mum and she’d just said she’d made a list of some matchmakers. We were now at what was supposed to be Laraget’s best matchmaker.

“I am,” said the nibeyah, leaning forward and smiling. “I use a combination of magic and psychic powers to find your soul mate.”

Looking around, I could see a map of the Great Basin was drawn on the mirrors around the edge and a map of Central Island was drawn on the table. There were some symbols above the mountains on the walls, presumably representing places in the desert. Looking back, I saw even the inside of the door was mirrored with some of the map drawn on it.

“My son really needs a girl friend to boost his self esteem,” said Dad, “and apparently it’s dangerous for him to have strong emotions and he’s really upset about being the only boy at his school who hasn’t had sex. It doesn’t have to be anything that serious.”

“I only do soul mates! If you just want a bit of fun, I’m sure many girls will be up for that, you’re an OK looking boy.”

“All the girls think I’m the local rapist,” I said, “which isn’t true! Also the girls at school get negative infinity points for having sex with me so none of them will do it.”

The nibeyah looked into my eyes, “You’re a difficult one, aren’t you?”

“I know I’m an anav.”

“Can you help us or not?” asked Dad.

“Try Haprihagfen!”

“Who?” I asked.

“We’re Trulists,” said Dad.

The nibeyah sniggered and leaned towards me, “I give you clues about how to find your soulmate. I don’t usually give you their name because it usually works best if you don’t know when you first meet them. I don’t do girlfriends, mistresses or friends with benefits, just the best spouse you can possibly get. I’ve probably given you the best clue I can for free. I can try to do better if you like.”

“Never mind,” said Dad.

Laraget’s second best matchmakers was a more conventional looking office. It had pictures of happy couples, mostly mixed sex, on the walls. There was a counter with a small computer, an idol of Denadria; the goddess of adventure and marriage; and another of Shelka; the goddess of love and indifference. An attractive nibeyah dressed like a business woman was seated behind the desk.

“How can I help you?” the nibeyah asked, folding her arms and pouting, obviously a bit dubious about us.

“My son badly needs a girlfriend,” said Dad. “He’s a very powerful psychic so it’s dangerous for him to have strong emotions and he’s getting really upset about not having sex.”

“You realize we really cater to people who want more serious relationships and usually people who are older than your son looks.”

“Can you help or not?” asked Dad.

“We specialize in pairing hipsickim with psychics. Hipsickim usually don’t want to marry psychics and have only come to us because they have some problem, often multiple problems, that make them rather less desirable as partners so they think a psychic will be better than a hipsick or hipsickah who’ll be willing to marry them. You aren’t even a good catch for a psychic.”

“You still didn’t answer the question,” said Dad.

“Fill in a form and I’ll see what I can do!” She pushed a form at me.

It took about an hour to fill in the form as Dad sat there, working on a portable computer. The form had lots of questions about me, what sort of person I’d like as a partner, things about what internet shows I liked and what my hobbies were. There were some very odd questions about how I’d handle various situations.

When I finished, I handed the nibeyah the form. She scanned it into her computer and then had a look. “You weren’t very specific about what sort of partner you want.”

“I really only care about sex and personality.”

“We should have somebody fairly young,” said Dad.

“Sorry we don’t have anybody who’ll be a good match for you.”

“What about a mediocre match,” said Dad, “the boy really needs some experience.”

“Do I look like a Love Priest?” said the nibeyah, gritting her teeth.

“You’re dressed as a woman,” I said.

She gave me a dirty look and said, “I’ve got to consider the other client. They want somebody to marry, not somebody who needs practice! I’ll keep you on file and see if I get somebody more suitable.”

“That wasn’t exactly encouraging,” I said as we left the office.

I was feeling numb. This was starting to be like one of those dreams where you’re trying to do something but nothing you do has any effect.

“There is one other thing we could do,” said Dad, “but it’s rather drastic and I really don’t know what will happen if we try it.”

“What?”

“You know the Vineyard Magis died fourteen years ago?”

“Yes.” I hadn’t actually remembered the exact date.

“Another magis was conceived shortly afterward ...”

There were five Holy Sites associated with magises and another magis (known as the Wild Magis) who wasn’t associated with a Holy Site. When a magis died another was conceived at or near the Holy Site (or anywhere with the Wild Magis).

“That’s not necessarily true,” I said. The Vineyard magis didn’t seem to quiet follow the same rules as they were always female and there had been more than one at a time.

“It is. Remember that huge storm a few years ago?”

“Yes but it didn’t affect Laraget much.”

“It seems to have been caused by somebody removing the relic from a Holy Site. At that time it was revealed there was a trainee Vineyard Magis who helped stop the storm. So far all the Vineyard Magises have been anavot. Anyway there’s going to be a mage conference at the beginning of the harvest holiday. The Mage Council is planning to reveal the identity of the new Vineyard Magis at the conference.”

Perhaps I should explain relics were supposed to be parts of the starship which had brought humans to Midbar. It had been dismantled and its parts hidden at the Holy Sites. Supposedly everybody would die if the relics were destroyed or removed from the Holy Sites but the details of this weren’t at all clear.

“A thirteen year old anavah!” I said.

By now we’d reached the car.

“Probably,” said Dad. “Even if that is the case, there are problems. Of course there’s the law against psychics having sex with each other. I may be able to find a way round that. That law’s extremely old, written in an ancient language, which may have been misinterpreted. It’s also blatantly korbarist, the discrimination is real even if korbarim aren’t, much as there isn’t a clear genetic basis for races. On the other hand, this is one of the few Trulist laws which people seem to think important and it can be argued if it’s overturned, it will open all Trulist morals, laws against theft and murder and so on, up for changing. That could even mess up the entire Paxian legal code which is based on Trulist religious laws.”

“She may be able to tell me how I can get a hipsickah to have sex with me.”

“She’s about three years younger than you so she probably hasn’t had much experience with sexual relationships.”

“Can’t be much less than me. She may know things I don’t.”

“Another problem is the new magis is probably a fundamentalist Winemaker. What may be the most serious issue is she seems to have been raped, or somebody tried to rape her, and she responded by killing a load of people. It’s not clear exactly what happened.”

By now we were in the car.

“I won’t rape her!” I said. “I’ll just start by talking and see how things go.”

“I’m not even sure how you can get to see her but I suppose that will be clearer when we find out who she is. Now I suppose we also have this legal mess but I suppose that gives us a second prong if the magis plan fails.”