Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

I sat in the chair in the master’s room as he hammered his computer keyboard like a mad organist, sweating and emitting cross vibes. I was now angry and humiliated and sexually frustrated but I believed I was in the right, although the master had made it clear he didn’t. Narblo had even said he thought, “There were issues here that needed to be carefully examined.” Master Kiard clearly didn’t want to listen though.

There was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” snapped the master.

My father came in and said, “I hear there’s a problem with Clindar.” Then he looked in my direction.

“Hi, Dad.”

“You can wait outside while I speak to your father,” the master said to me.

“No!” said Dad. He proceeded slowly and sternly, almost like he was talking to a naughty child, “I want him to hear what you have to say so he can respond to it. I’m not going to make any decision without hearing his side and it will be simpler if he can hear it from your mouth rather than my interpretation of what I think you meant. We’ll also be able to ask you right away if he has any questions about what you say.”

“He’s been an extremely naughty boy!” snarled the master. “We’ve never had any trouble like this before. He bullied a girl ...”

“I only spoke the truth!” I said.

“You asked her to have sex with you and when she refused, you accused her of having sex with all the boys in the school except you!”

“She has had sex with every boy in the school except me.”

“It really upset her!”

“She was bullying me by excluding me and this school ...”

“Do I look like a Love Priest? I can’t order her to have sex with you, she’s a slut not a prostitute!”

“I think this is pushing the definition of bullying,” said Dad.

“How come my sister can be ordered to have sex with men but girls can’t be ordered to have sex with me?” I asked.

“Because she’s a prostitute and these girls aren’t!” shouted the master.

“But prostitutes can’t be ordered to have sex with me,” I said.

“You’re too young for prostitutes!”

“My sister’s a year younger than me.”

“That’s not relevant!”

“A Love Priest did refuse to let him have a prostitute,” said Dad.

“I’m hardly surprised!” said the master. “Anyway there are other issues! Your son brought an artifact to school.”

Normally children aren’t supposed to use artifacts.

“Device!” I said.

“Can we stick to the sex issue,” said Dad. “I’ve discovered many of the girls in this town wrongly believe Clindar to be the serial rapist ...”

“How do you know they’re wrong about that?” asked the master.

“Because I know my son! What I can verify is that the police have never questioned him about the rapes. That would require his mother or myself to be present so I’m sure it hasn’t happened. Therefore the police clearly don’t suspect him so there probably isn’t good reason for anybody else to. Were you aware of this slander?”

“I think we should stick to the issue.”

“I think this is part of his problem with the girl and therefore relevant!”

“It isn’t because he still brought an artifact to school.”

“I didn’t know it was an artifact,” I said. “And other kids bring artifacts to school.”

“Only contraception spells!” said the master.

“Still against the rules,” I said.

“Well it would be irresponsible to prevent their use, given how the children in this school behave.”

“You’re still applying rules inconsistently,” I said.

“He has a point!” said Dad. “What artifact was it?”

“I confiscated it!” said the master.

“I’m not going to just take your word it was an artifact. How do you know that?”

Some artifacts are obvious, they glow or float in the air or look really weird. Most look like normal jewellery, clothing, weapons, tools, whatever and some obviously weird things aren’t actually artifacts. There are only two ways you can tell for sure. You can get a magis, a person with an inherent ability to detect magic, to examine it but there are very few magises. The alternative is to use a magic detector, an artifact that detects magic.

“We do have a mage teaching magic!” said master Kiard.

The same rules apply to magi as korbarim, you’re supposed to be able to keep it a secret if you’re a mage or not. Magic detectors can detect if you’re a mage so only magi are allowed to use them.

“I still need to know what artifact,” said Dad.

“Your camera,” I said.

“What?” shouted my father.

Very few electronic devices are built today, most the ones we have date from before the Cataclysm, which began four hundred years earlier. Those that have survived have done so because of protective magic but I didn’t really think that was the same as an artifact that actually put spells on people.

“I was doing what you told me,” I said.

“I didn’t tell you to take my camera!”

“You told me to get evidence!”

“I told you... It wasn’t meant to be an instruction! I suppose I can see how it could have been misinterpreted though. I’ll need that back, it contains evidence for some of my cases.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that,” said the master.

“Why not?”

“Your son recorded pornographic material ...”

“Evidence!” I said.

“... on it and I really can’t allow people to see that.”

“I can’t allow people to see the other stuff on it,” said Dad. “However it will be required in court. The stuff my son recorded can be deleted.”

“I didn’t realize you could do that,” said the master. “Can you show me ...”

“I want to use that as evidence I’m being bullied!” I said.

“It proves nothing of the sort!” said the master.

“I’ll have to see it,” said Dad.

“What?” said the master.

“My son claims that he’s being bullied and this footage is evidence. I know he’s the victim of vicious slander so he may have a case. I really need to see if that’s correct.”

“Well it’s rather a moot point as I’ll have to expel him.”

“What!” shouted Dad.

“We have zero tolerance of bullying, magic artifacts and pornography and he’s violated all three!”

“No I haven’t!” I complained. “And the other kids have!”

“If you’re going to expel my son, I’ll have to take legal action against you,” said Dad. “Therefore that camera and the footage my son put on it are evidence and I shall need the camera returned with the footage.”

My father had a reputation for filing, and often winning, strange law suits.

“I’ve never seen a clearer case for expulsion in my entire career!” said the master.

“It seems to me you’re applying rules inconsistently and Clindar has extenuating circumstances ...”

“What don’t you understand about zero tolerance! There can’t be any extenuating circumstances!”

“Zero tolerance means zero thought,” said Dad.

“There are exceptions for contraceptive artifacts!” I said. “And bullying by exclusion! And lots of kids bring in pornography not to mention the naked pictures in art and biology books.”

“Having sex with every boy but you doesn′t count as bullying!” said the master.

“I have a medical condition which means it’s dangerous for me to have strong emotions,” I said.

Dad gave me an odd look.

“Anyway,” said Kiard, “Rov’s paralyzed from the neck down!”

“They sit on his face,” I said.

“Lerg’s a devout Nuhara!”

“He sees having sex with the girls as a way of oppressing infidels!” I said.

“At least two boys are homosexual!”

“They score extra as a challenge and a number of girls have ...”

“What!” exclaimed Dad.

“The girls give themselves points for each boy they have sex with. Every boy in the school scores at least one point except me, I score negative infinity so if a girl has sex with me, she’ll never be able to get back to a positive score.”

“Is this true?” Dad asked the master.

“Valdera told me,” I said, “it’s on the camera.”

I could still picture her smug grin and the mocking tone of her voice when she’d said it.

“I’ll have to see that footage,” said Dad.

“I can’t let you,” said the master, “it’s pornographic images of underage children.”

“Film of other kids having sex at school as evidence of my being bullied,” I said.

“Either you don’t expel my son and at least seriously look into his bullying accusations, in which case I’ll still have to see that footage, or I take you to court for inconsistent applications of laws and maybe other things. In the latter case, that camera and my son’s footage becomes evidence and many people will have to see it.”

The master and Dad stared at each other for a few seconds.

“Sorry I can’t put your son’s interests before that of the other children,” said the master, “and I’m sure I can win this case, in spite of your reputation.”

“In that case,” said Dad, “I’ll call the bailiffs and have them impound the camera as evidence.”