Speak To Me

***Trigger Warning for Attempted Suicide..please read with caution, your mental health is more important than anything*** (Katrina)

Sometimes I wonder why I was even born at all. Questioning what my purpose in life was even intended for..what was my reason? Why was I put on this earth to begin with?

I think I've come to realize that maybe I never had one..not for me anyway. Maybe I played just a small part in this huge world around me..and perhaps that's all my life was ever meant to be.

For a second I thought I did..that I found purpose in those Grey eyes and handsome smile..but it was too good to be true..and let's be honest. I didn't deserve it..I didn't deserve him.

Grayson could never love me. No one could ever love me.

Everyone would be better off without me. The world would be better off without me...and maybe just maybe this pain will finally go away.

I locked the bathroom door, my hands trembling as I swiftly pushed myself up and tried to stumble towards the bathtub. I knew I didn't have much time so I had to be fast.

I swung my leg over the side, practically falling into the empty tub as I gripped the kitchen knife in my other hand.

I thought of how to do this..how to take my life and truly give myself the death I deserved. Of course I could be poetic and swallow the bottle of pills right down the hall..giving myself the same death my mother gave Amber..but that could take too long. So I decided to add a few more scars to my already disgusting body.

I looked down at my naked wrists..the red rough skin making tears burn my eyes as I tried to psych myself up to do this.

"I'm sorry..I'm so sorry." I whispered out loud, hoping those words reached who they were intended for.

And then I filled my thoughts with the one person I had lived for these past few months.

Grayson..I'm sorry I couldn't be someone you could love..that I was a monster in more ways than one..but I swear my feelings for you were unlike anything I had ever felt in this entire world...and I will hold onto them until the very end.

I felt like such a fool for thinking he could feel the same for me. I was so fucking pathetic...

I won't be their burden any longer...

I pressed the blade to my scarred flesh, my eyes squeezing tight as I clenched my teeth together before slashing down my wrist.

I cried out, the sharp sting aching uncontrollably as warm liquid gushed down my arm..

"I'm sorry..I'm so sorry..please forgive me..please." I chanted over and over..feeling like I was nothing more than a waste as I tried to grip the knife in my other hand, making another cut but unable to go as deep..and then I closed my eyes..waiting for this pain in my chest to finally disappear. Waiting for it all to disappear.

This is how it should've been from the start..and now everyone will be happier..so much happier. I just wanted to fade away into nothingness..and I almost did..

But he wouldn't let me..why wouldn't he let me?

(Grayson)

Fifteen minutes..that's the time it took for me to calm Grant down and realize no one was with Katrina.

No one was with her..she was all alone and I knew in my gut what that meant. I fucking knew what she was planning to do.

Once the realization set in, my eyes widened in horror..

I ran to the library first, just to make sure and the moment I saw it was empty, my heart dropped.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Grant asked, seeing the horror I must've shown on my face.

I had just talked him down from his own turmoil, and here I was thrown into my own personal hell.

"Call an ambulance right now!" I rushed out, feeling like my soul was being ripped from my body as pure terror took over.

"Why what happened?!" Grant yelled.

"Katrina is in trouble. Just fucking do it!"

I knew I shouldn't have left her..I fucking knew it. I rushed towards the stairs as I raced up, taking two at a time. My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest..a fear unlike any I have ever felt before made time stop as I ran to her door and went to push it open. "What's wrong Grayson? Katrina just went to lie down." The nurse Diana said, making me curse under my breath as I shoved the door open and flew into her room.. Empty..fucking empty..

The bathroom!

I ran to that door next, going to push it open when I found it locked.

"Katrina! Don't you dare fucking do this to me! Open the door right now!" I yelled, banging on it loudly as the woman behind me gasped.

"What is it Grayson?" Diana asked worriedly.

"Katrina found out about everything..I need to get into this room..back up!"

I didn't even give her time to process my words before I stepped back and threw myself into the door.

"Let me help." Grant offered, not even realizing he was there.

I stepped back, letting Grant try next as he kicked the door and that's when it went flying open with a bang.

Red...all I saw was fucking red..and then..then I saw her.

"Katrina!" Her name came out of me in a strangled sob. Her skin was pale and her eyes shut lightly as her head lulled to the side.

I could see her wrists dripping with blood as it covered her lower body. There was so much..so fucking much.

"No no no..God no."

I fell to my knees, crawling to the tub in desperation as I reached inside before scooping her up.

"You can't fucking do this to me. I won't let you..I won't let you do this." I rushed, trying to cover her still bleeding wrists as people began to move around me. I had no clue who was all in here...she was all I saw..her and the blood that poured out of her.

"We have to stop the bleeding Grayson." a voice said, but I wasn't here..no..I was thrown into the depths of despair as I watched the woman I loved slipping away from me no matter how tightly I held her.

"Kitty Kat..how could you..how could you do this to me?" I croaked, feeling hurt and betrayed as I couldn't believe she could really leave me. Did she not feel what I felt? Did she truly not realize how much she meant to me?

"You didn't let me explain..you didn't let me fucking explain!! How could you do this!" I lifted my trembling hand brushing her cold cheek as blood smeared across it, making me sob uncontrollably.

"She has a pulse..but it is fading..we need to get her to the hospital right away." The nurse rushed, making a small spark of hope flicker inside of me.

"You can't leave me Katrina. I won't let you." I gasped, going to stand with her in my arms as a new sense of desperation filled me.

"The ambulance is here. They are coming up now." Grant explained as he placed his hand on my back, helping to guide me out of the room.

I just nodded my head, unable to speak as I stared down at Katrina's limp body in my arms.

If she dies..if she leaves me..this will ruin me, there will be nothing left..absolutely nothing. I knew I should've made her listen. I should've sat her down and explained everything beforehand. I fucking knew it. This is my fault, if I would've just told her..if I would've told her everything then this never would've happened.

"Grayson, you have to let her go...they need to take her now." Grant suddenly said, breaking through my thoughts as I realized I was clutching Katrina tightly to my chest, not letting the paramedics take her from me.

"I want to go with her." I rushed, making the man standing in front of me nod once.

"Of course..but we need to hurry." He stated, motioning for me to place her on the stretcher they had waiting for her.

I quickly put her down, my mouth brushing along her face and cheeks as I hurriedly kissed her for what might be the first and last time I ever did..how fucked was that? I had been a coward..and now I might never get to tell her how I feel.

"I will follow behind you." Grant stated, making me nod once.

"I'm sorry Grayson..I didn't realize..."

"This isn't your fault..it's mine..this is all my fucking fault..and if I lose her Grant..if I fucking lose her......." I broke down, placing my hands over my face as I saw the paramedics connecting all sorts of wires and things to Katrina's limp body.

"They will do everything they can to save her Gray.." Grant tried to assure me..but I couldn't stop this helpless feeling from taking control..what if they don't? What if they can't save her? I can't even imagine a world where she doesn't exist..there is no such thing..because without Katrina..my world fucking stops right there.

"Sir, we have to go." The paramedic rushed, and I nodded before hopping into the back of the ambulance.

"I will meet you there Grayson." Grant yelled before the door was slammed shut..and all I could do was stare at those bandages that now covered Katrina's wrists..

I will never fucking forgive you if you leave me like this..and when you wake up...you are going to know exactly how much trouble you are in for doing this..because now, now you are never leaving my fucking side...and I will chain you to the damn bed if I have to just to make that point clear.

Just don't leave me..please Kitty Kat..

I still need to tell you how much I have fallen in love with you..so you can't leave me...you just fucking can't