Say You Swear

Two days turn into four, and four turn into a week and still, Ari’s memory hasn’t come back. That’s twenty-two days in total, and with each passing hour, my days grow a little darker.

The subconscious memory about orientation is the last and only comment I’ve caught that holds any kind of proof her memories are still in there somewhere. As far as I’m know, it’s the only time she’s referenced before, not that she realized it. Again, as far as I’m aware.

A cold bottle of beer slips into my view, and I look up to find Mr. Johnson.

Not wanting to be rude, I plan to take it, but I hesitate a moment too long and a low chuckle leaves him.

“Yeah, I know that face.” He lowers into the seat beside me, takes a slow swig and sets the second bottle between his legs. “That’s the face of a man who found himself on a first name basis with the guy at the liquor store.”

My mouth curves slightly and I look to the wooden deck beneath my feet. “His name was Darrel, and he’s got a thing for cherry soda.”

Mr. Johnson flashes a small grin, but it doesn’t meet his eyes. His features smooth and he nods. “You think you can be straight with me?” he wonders.

“I have no reason not to be, sir.”

He waves me off. “I like that answer, but no sir. No Mr. Johnson. Just Evan.” He lowers his chin and I nod.

“I won’t lie to you, Evan.” I look him in the eye. “I might choose not to answer based on the question, but only out of good intention. Nothing more.”

“What kind of question would you choose not to answer?”

I open my mouth, but he laughs it off.

“I just want to know how you’re doin’, son, how you’re really doing.”

“I’m not really sure,” I answer honestly. “All things considered, I’m fine, but all things considered and uh…”

“And you’re a fucking mess?”

My eyes snap his way and he grins, drawing a chuckle from me.

“Yes, sir.” He lifts a brow and I raise my palms. “Sorry, curse of an athlete. It you weren’t a professor of mine, you were sir or coach. It’s not an easy one to break.”

“It’s a good problem to have.” He nods. “About that whole athlete thing.”

I look away. “This might lead to one of those ‘choose not to answer’ questions.”

“Because you don’t want me to tell you not to walk away from your dreams.”

“If that’s what you said to me right now, sir, I’d thank you for understanding why I’m here and not anywhere else.”

His jaw clenches, and he looks away with a slow nod, attempting to shield the moisture building in his eyes. “Evan, son. Not sir.” He takes a long drink from his beer, and when he looks to me, he nods again. “How you doing? Truly, Noah. I know your mama is still healing, you’ve got your last semester coming up, and football is up in the air. And with everything happening with Ari, it’s worries me for you. It’s a lot for anyone to handle, but where my daughter is concerned, I imagine your position is the worst to be stuck in.”

“I don’t feel stuck, sir, or Evan. A bit helpless, a little overwhelmed, yeah, but not stuck.”

“I know it’s hard, and I don’t know that I necessarily agree with her choice to keep all our mouths closed like this, but I appreciate you going along with what she’s asked.” He scoffs, shaking his head. “Pretty sure I’d have locked my wife in a room with me and broke down every detail that first night.”

My laugh is low. “Yeah.”

I’d love nothing more than to do exactly that. It’s on my mind all the time, how I would start and what exactly I would say. I’ve had the imaginary conversation with her a hundred times now, but at the end of each one, tears brim in her eyes, confusion swimming within them as she stares at the man telling her she loves him while internally swearing she loves another.

I won’t hurt her just to help myself.

I look to Mr. Johnson. “Biting my tongue has never been too hard for me, it’s just another thing that comes with being an athlete.”

“A coachable athlete anyway.”

I nod.

As an athlete, a coachable one, as he pointed out, you don’t always like what you see, hear, or are asked to do, but you do it anyway for a number of reasons.

“This is a lot different, Noah.” He speaks my exact thought out loud.

“Yeah, it is, but it’s not the ‘holding the words back’ part that’s hard for me.”

Understanding draws his features in and he sighs. “No, son, I don’t imagine it is.”

Both of our gazes lift then, pointing toward the ocean, toward the waterline, where Ari stands, her hair blowing around in front of her face, a wide smile spread along her lips as she laughs… at something Chase has said.

Tension builds in my sternum, and I force my eyes to my feet.

Sitting back this time means watching firsthand as my future grows blurrier by the day, but what she wants is what I want for her, so really, there’s no decision to be made on my part.

I’m here until she’s ready for me.

Or until I’m forced to let go.

“You love my little girl.” Mr. Johnson speaks low, turning to me.

“I’m not the only one.” My lips press into a tightline, my eyes lifting to the sand once more. “I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get the chance to tell her.”

His hand clamps onto my shoulder then, giving a little squeeze. “If it begins to look like you won’t, you might have to go on and do it anyway.” His chin lowers, and I manage a nod.

Slowly, he pushes to his feet. “It’s an honor to have you here, son.”

“Thank you, sir.”

He glares, and a low laugh slips from me.

Mason comes out of the house then, looking between the two of us, but his gaze is quickly pulled forward, to Chase and Ari. A deep frown pulls at his forehead.

Mr. Johnson chuckles, slaps his shoulder and heads around the side. “I’m walking down to snag my wife for lunch. See you boys.”

He leaves, and the two on the beach walk back this way, pausing not too far from us now.

Chase says something and Ari’s sweater-covered hand comes up to cover her laugh, but it still echoes in my ears.

My lips twitch, my body confused by the happiness her laughter brings, and the devastation bleeding through me that I’m not the one who earned it.

“Fuck.” Mason sighs, and we glance toward each other. “What are you doing, man?”

“Wondering how to show a girl who’s wanted one man all her life that she doesn’t want him anymore.”

Mason winces, his glare sharpening more and more as he stares at the two. “Fuck this.”

He jolts forward, and I dart to my feet, catching him by the wrist, halting him in place.

His eyes narrow on me. “Noah.”

“I need you to promise me something.”

His brows furrow. “Don’t.”

“Mason, come on. Please.”

Angry, he plants his feet. “What?”

“When he tells her he had a change of heart, don’t interfere.”

“What the fuck?” he throws back. “Are you serious right now?”

“Yes, and I know you don’t want to hurt her. Going apeshit will do just that.”

“This isn’t about keeping my sister from my friend. It might have been before, but it’s different now. This is about her getting back the life she lost. You’ve got to get that.”

“Trust me, I do, but I’m trying to do what’s right here. This is what she wants.”

“What she wants is you.”

“Mason.”

“She loves you, bro! That’s what’s right, end of fucking story!”

“Keep your voice down,” I warn him, but it’s too late.

Ari hears her twin’s shouts, and sure enough, her eyes are pulled this way.

She stutter steps, tucking her hair behind her ear as she tugs the corner of her lower lip between her teeth. Her chest rises with a full breath, and she doesn’t look away.

She doesn’t move at all.

But her eyes, they aren’t on Mason. They’re on me.

“Look at her, Noah.” Mason’s whisper is desperate. “Just… fucking look at her. It’s written all over her and she doesn’t even know it. She’s yours, man. Don’t let her lose what she always wanted and finally found.”

A knot forms in my throat, and I swallow past it. It does nothing to hide the turmoil in my tone. “In her mind right now, she loves him. She wants him. I need you to let her figure it out on her own.”

Frustrated, he runs a hand over his face. “Tell me why.”

“Because she’s lost, you said it yourself. She only has what she knows, and what she knows is—” I swallow. “What she knows is the way he makes her feel.”

We’re both quiet a moment before I add, “He’s the only thing that makes sense to her right now.”

“You know this is fucked up, right? That it could backfire? If he really loves her and she gives them the chance they didn’t get ‘cause I’m a bastard, this could mean you losing her.” He faces me fully. “Are you prepared for that? ‘Cause it could fucking happen.”

The arteries surrounding my heart squeeze and it gets a little harder to breathe.

Ari smiles then, waves, and everything fucking aches. Burns.

Clearing my throat, I turn away. I look Mason in the eye.

“I’m not asking you to push her to him. I’m just asking you to allow her the chance you took away, if she decides she wants it.”

Mason shakes his head. “This isn’t some dude off the street. There’s history, family ties. Friendship that spans years.” He eyes me. “Chase is a good man, Noah.”

“If he wasn’t, I wouldn’t be standing here.”

He sighs, long and loud. “Fine. But for the record, this is a bad idea, and you might learn that the hard way.” With that, he storms down the steps, cutting right and disappearing down the beach.

Ari and Chase both watch as he disappears, and as her attention moves back toward me, I drop back into my seat.

I press my knuckles into my eye sockets, hoping that I’m doing the right thing, and wishing there was a way to find out, but how can I possibly find the answer when I don’t even know the damn question?

Life has never been simple for me, but this is on another level and I’m not handling it well.

I want my girl back.

I want the future I dared to dream about.

I want her.