Remembering You

I recognized your soul. Or should I say, my soul recognized your soul the first second it saw you. Imagine the most beautiful thing, when your soul smiles and you have this overwhelming joy come over you. Imagine feeling at peace with your life when our two souls met finally after years or so of being a part. Imagine how much our world changed in just that split second when it recognized you.

Many people have always come up to tell me I have a yellow aura. Or even randomly yelling out at me when I pass by that I have a beautiful soul, even if I look angry all the time. At first, people could not see your aura. They told you there was no color. Until out of the blue a lady stopped us when we were walking home from school and told us you had a green aura, which was surprising because it means balance. She looked at me and told me he was my balance and that she has never seen a soul shine so brightly. Odd things to hear from people off the streets.

But as time went by, I studied more into that type of stuff. I got into tarot cards and seeing psychics over the past couple years. But each time I see a psychic, they say the same exact thing. “I see a man sitting here next to you, he is quite handsome. Brown eyes and hair, 6′3, he is smiling and laughing at you. Saying something about how much of an idiot you’re for coming to see me today. He said you do this a lot, to see if your fortune and future will change. He’s your soul mate.” And after a second of quietness, they usually realize he is dead. But then look at me funny when I respond yes, I know this. He’s sitting next to me. I can see him. Psychics are different, truly amazing, but different. Lately I have stopped going because I know things won’t change until I let go.

Not many know that, when I said I could see him, I truly meant it. It’s both a curse and a gift to see the love of your life when you know he is dead. When you felt his heart stop beating on that hospital bed, when you felt him let go of his life and his soul ripped yours in two. But as much as I love seeing him, it’s becoming the worst gift a person could ask for.

Fear...

Fear that if I don’t let go of him, I will not move on. Fear that something bad will eventually happen. Fear that he is going to hurt me. How bad it must be, for me to be afraid of my soul mate in his ghostly state. Last night was the first time I ever feared hearing your voice, for months, even years, you had always been quiet. Never truly spoke to me, never did anything. Then out of nowhere you speak like it was nothing. I never felt more afraid to hear “hey, it’s me.” I never felt unsafe like I did because I knew it was your voice. But the racing of my heart told me differently, it told me to run because nothing good could come from this. Nothing good could come from you talking to me.

For the first time in forever I have become afraid to know my soul mate; I have become afraid to believe in this stuff and afraid for my life. I have become afraid to move on, because if I do there is the possibility of pain more than I have now. You were my balance, now you’re tipping the scale. You were my soul mate, but now you’re just a ghost from my past whom I love dearly.