Reckless

I’m glad I’m near the ground, kneeling next to Mila, because that voice would’ve knocked me over if I were standing. With a trembling hand, I balance myself against the ground beneath me and take a shallow breath.

What is he doing here?

I must’ve been a bad person in a prior life because why else does this shit happen to me?

I’m frozen, like a deer trapped on a long stretch of highway traffic. The only movement is my pounding heart that I can practically see thumping through my tank top.

I peer around Mila, wondering if I’m experiencing some kind of psychotic break. How else can I explain why Jamie—Jamie, my cheating douchebag ex—is standing a few feet away?

He and Ethan are chatting it up like old friends, but I can’t make sense of what they’re saying because blood is rushing through my ears.

“Babe. Want you to meet someone.” Ethan turns and smiles down at me. That smile pierces my heart.

Will he look at me the same way once he knows what happened? And that it happened with his friend?

Oh, God, I slept with one of Ethan’s friends. I told Ethan the broad strokes of what went down with my ex, but not how I found out Jamie was married and certainly not how my life imploded afterward. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I take the doll Mila was trying to hand me, and she bolts for her friends who are surrounding the swing set. The one Jamie just set up.

Dusting off my shins, I slowly stand on unsteady legs. I feel all knobby-kneed and light-headed. Maybe I’ll pass out or die from a heat stroke and spare myself this conversation.

Swallowing, I let Ethan take my clammy hand.

“James, this is my girlfriend Tori.”

I steel myself and look at the dirtbag, who seems almost as shocked as I am to see him.

He’s hulkier than when we were together, which is silly because he was already a big guy. Now he reminds me of a beefed-up bulldog, all bulky mass punctuated with a tiny head.

“James, is it?” I ask, not bothering to hide the venom in my voice. “Not Jamie?” Asshole was full of lies. I’m not surprised he goes by a different name.

He laughs uneasily and shifts back and forth. “Tori. Jesus Christ, girl. It’s been a while.”

Ah, the fucker is going to admit he knows me? This should be fun.

Nausea is swirling in my gut, acid thick in the back of my throat. “Not since your birthday last summer,” I add helpfully.

Ethan looks back and forth between us. “You guys know each other?”

I open my mouth to spew forth all the ways James can go to hell when he laughs.

“Yeah, I know Tori. She used to bartend at this place in Austin my buddies and I used to go to sometimes, but it’s been a while.” He gives me a pointed look to keep my mouth shut.

That’s how you’re going to play it?

Ethan wraps his arm around my shoulder. I’m so grateful to have him next to me, I could cry.

James’s eyes narrow as he watches us together, the cool smile spreading on his face making me more anxious. “I thought you were trying to get Allison back. It’s a shame you spent all last year wanting to make it work, hoping to win her back.”

Fuck my life, he did not just say that.

Ethan coughs. “We went south a long time ago. Not sure there was anything to work out.”

“Huh. That’s weird. Pretty sure I just heard her tell Felicia that you guys might reconcile.” He points his chin to the other side of the tent where Allison is talking to a woman with long black hair. Jamie’s wife. Yes, I remember her naked ass as she blew her husband. Isn’t this a festive party?

“No, man.” Ethan squeezes my shoulder. “You must’ve misheard.”

I’m going to hurl. Would it be wrong to shank Jamie—I mean James—first?

Beverly waves everyone over to the buffet table, and I skirt out of the way, a potent mixture of shame and contempt rounding the curves of my heart like a raging river.

“Tori, dear,” Beverly whispers, “can you do me a favor and grab more napkins out of the kitchen?”

I’ve never moved so fast in my life.

Except for the cake cutting, I manage to hide out in the kitchen. Whipping up more fruit salad or dip. Washing dishes. Making sure the kids make it to the potty in time. I eventually fall into the familiar routine of making a few guests mixed drinks.

When Beverly asks if I’m okay, I tell her I have a headache, and she pats my hand sweetly and offers pain relievers. When Ethan asks if I’d like to join him outside, I use the same excuse, even though lying to him makes me feel guilty. But there’s no telling what I might say to Jamie right now, and I won’t let myself make a scene at Cody’s birthday party. Not with so many of Ethan’s business associates here.

This is where my sister would tell me to lock down the crazy. That it’s not worth the repercussions of being unfiltered.

I’ll tell Ethan the truth after the guests have left.

Not here, though.

Not now.

Through the back window, the sounds of the party waft up through the late afternoon and early evening. Children laughing. Women gossiping. Men talking about horses and beer and cigars. The scent of barbecue and cedar floating in the air.

On a typical day, I’d love this kind of party. I’d be playing with the kids on the new swing set. Joking and mingling and having a blast. Taking Ethan’s hand so we could dance to the Rolling Stones drifting from the sound system.

Wild Horses, I think with a smile. Logan must’ve made the playlist.

Instead, I’m hiding and confused and hurt.

Because it pains me to see Allison planted next to Ethan at the picnic table with her parents and his mom. It hurts to see the easy way they laugh, and the picture-perfect way they look when Cody climbs onto his dad’s lap, and Mila wanders over to her mom’s side.

But what can I do?

Nothing.

Because they were a family long before I arrived on the ranch.

Allison is obviously on her best behavior, and I feel murderous when she places her hand on Ethan’s shoulder and leans toward him to whisper something.

“You’re in over your head, sugar plum.” Jamie’s voice in my ear makes me jerk away. “She’s a done deal. You think Ethan can resist that beautiful woman and her family’s money?”

He trails a finger over my shoulder, and I slap it away. “Don’t fucking touch me, Jamie.” My breath is a harsh pant, that light-headed feeling back with vengeance.

“I just hate seeing you get hurt, is all. Don’t want you caught up in this mess.”

“That’s rich coming from you. I’m sure your great sense of altruism is at the heart of your advice.” I step around the island, needing to put space between us. He follows two steps behind like a predator.

“Honestly, I think you probably saved their marriage. Ethan might deny it to you, but I know for a fact they’ve been talking every day.”

The air in my lungs stalls when I look for some hint that he’s lying, but he stares me straight in the eye.

In my head, the comparison is quick. I’ve barely spoken to Ethan during the last two weeks, but he’s been talking to Allison daily?

The corner of his mouth tilts up and he continues his assault to my heart. “Want to hear the ironic part here?” He lifts his thumb over his shoulder. “Ethan’s the one who talked me into staying with Felicia. Said the side chick I was seeing wasn’t worth my time. Wasn’t worth my marriage. That marriage was sacred and worth any sacrifice. Wise words. Ones I’m guessing he’ll probably heed once Allison tells him she’s reconsidered the divorce and wants to come home. I think she saw the hot piece of ass Ethan was fucking and had a change of heart, and she has you to thank for showing her how good she had it. See. I told you. Ironic.”

He laughs, the sound scraping over my skin like white-hot coals.

A boulder of emotion builds in my chest, and I shake my head. “You’re lying.” Isn’t he?

“Sugar plum, I’ve lied about a lot of things in my life, but I’m not now.” With one hand on the counter, he leans back, cool and collected.

He’s telling the truth. At least in part. But which part?

Shoving his hands in his pockets, he lowers his voice. “Why are you with Ethan anyway? I thought you and I had a good thing.”

Laughter, shrill and maniacal, sweeps out of me. “You can’t be serious.” Why does this asshole care?

His spicy cologne and smug smile take me back to the days and weeks after that dreadful day at his house. The messages he left on my phone. Those stupid bouquets of carnations. How he kept trying to track me down at work.

“Are you jealous I’m with Ethan?”

He scoffs, but there’s that weird tick in his jaw. “Just saying when it goes to hell here, you know who you can turn to.”

Yeaaah, no.

Outside the window, guests are leaving. A steady stream of voices leads around the side of the house to the cars parked out front.

Thank God. Let this day end.

The back door opens and several sets of footsteps echo closer. My heart is in my throat when I see that it’s Ethan, Allison, and Felicia.

Jamie’s wife watches me warily as she strides up to her husband and wraps her arm around his waist. “Boo, Allison and I were saying we should go on a double date while we’re still in town. For old times’ sake.”

Jamie’s thousand-watt full-of-bullshit smile lights up. “Definitely.”

Needing to see his reaction despite the dread building in my belly, I glance at Allison and Ethan across the island. She tugs on his arm and stares up at him. “Wouldn’t that be fun?”

Confusion etches across Ethan’s face, and he removes her hand. “Allison, I don’t think that’s—”

Her other hand slithers up his chest, and a pout forms on her lips as she leans closer to him.

My vision hazes red like that elevator scene from The Shining.

“Get your fucking hands off him.” The words are out of my mouth before I can think better of it. And now that I’ve started, I can’t stop. “You had your chance with him, and you walked away from him and your kids, you selfish bitch.”

Everyone stares at me, mouths open, eyes wide. Let them stare.

It takes a second for her to gather herself, and I can almost see her talons extend, but I also see victory in her eyes.

She wants this. She’s been waiting to strike like a viper.

“Guess what, you slut, now that I’m a partner on this ranch, you’re fired, so get your shit and your trampy ass out of my house. This is my kitchen. Those are my kids. This is my husband.”

Ethan rears back like someone slapped him. “Allison, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Little feet come padding down the hall, interrupting him. Mila immediately hugs Allison. “What’s wrong, Mommy?”

With a dramatic sniffle, Allison wipes her eyes. “I’m just trying to make Daddy see how much I love you guys.” Oh, my God. This woman has no limits. I’ve never seen her extend one compassionate gesture to her kids or husband in private. Allison turns to Ethan. “Didn’t you tell me you’d do anything to have me back? That you’d do anything for your kids to have their mommy home? Didn’t you say they cry at night because they miss me so much? We could end all of that right now.”

Ethan glances down at his daughter, a pained expression on his face.

The tick tock of the clock on the wall swells in my ears as he stands still and I silently beg him to say something. Anything.

Chuckling, Jamie smirks at me and stretches an arm around his wife. “Gotta say, man, I’m kinda surprised you hired Tori. What with her record and all. Hope you didn’t let her drive the kids anywhere.”

“What?” My voice is fragile, like spun glass. One misstep and I’ll break apart.

Why would he bring that up? He knew how mortified I was about that time in my life.

His wife sneers like she just stepped in a steamy pile of horse shit. “I thought you needed certain standards to hold this kind of job.”

“Sorry, Tori,” Jamie says as though the man feels even a hint of remorse. “Want to make sure my friends know the real you. Know that they’re getting a college dropout who partied so hard, she nearly killed a car-load of her friends when they were out joyriding. Not sure that’s the kind of woman I’d hire to watch my children.”

The gasp I hear is mine.

Because that’s a version of the truth, but it’s distorted and ugly. It’s my life, the blood and guts of it all smeared and inside out, like some victim of a horror movie.

For a second, I can’t breathe.

I’m underwater.

Sinking. Sucking in water. Suffocating.

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.

I don’t know how to explain what really happened. How to untangle the thread of truth from the ball of lies Jamie just threw in my face.

Absurdly, my thoughts go to that astronomy course I nearly failed. Of the way planets collide so powerfully, they rip apart time, gnawing it open with their jaws.

I wonder if this is how it feels to be trapped in that kind of wreckage. Like noiseless, dark energy sparking out of existence.

Ethan’s voice slices through the overwhelming silence in the room. But it’s not the voice of my boyfriend. It’s the man who interviewed me months ago. Harsh. Demanding. Angry. “What’s he talking about, Tori?”

My eyes dart between everyone in the room.

Ethan, who’s pissed and confused, whose eyes beseech me to tell him that Jamie’s lying, that beg me to tell him he knows the real me.

Allison, who’s triumphant and conniving and likely planning my slow death.

And Jamie, who’s arrogant and so fucking pleased with himself he’s practically levitating off the ground.

It’s his haughty smirk that pushes me over the edge.

I’m a car skidding off a cliff. Tires squealing. Dirt flying. Engine roaring.

I’m that girl.

Again.

The one who loses control and veers off the road.

Untethered and unmoored.

Reckless.

But if I’m going down, I’m taking that asshole with me.