Rebellion

My eyes shot open in the dark. Already it felt like I was falling, like the room was spinning, like I was drowning. I knew this feeling well, and it got worse by the second once my body came to. I scrambled out of bed as quick as I could, my hand tightly clasping over my mouth as my other held my stomach.

These are the mornings that I hate. The ones where I know my dream, where I think I’m constantly spiralling and the room never stops spinning, where I get sick. Where I wish everything would just stop.

My fingers clutched on to the edges of the toilet bowl as my muscles tensed forward. I couldn’t remember eating before I went to bed but somehow my stomach managed to get something up. My chest was still tight, in fact it felt like I was having another heart attack.

I’ve never been this frightened before. And it hurt worse because I was panicking about having a second heart attack. If anything, I might not be having one but thinking the way I was would induce that again. My hands felt clammy even against the cold, chills went up my spine despite sweating through the sickness.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t focus.

What’s happening to me?

Why is this happening to me?

I know I wasn’t doing fine before but this was a drastic change to how I was a few days ago. I felt like I was dying, like nothing could save me. My heart was about to explode from how fast it was beating in my chest, and that’s what freaked me out.

It hurt so much.

I could hear Sirus’ voice coming from the room. He was on the phone with someone, telling them that it’s happening again, that I’m sick again. The only person he would tell is Alara. She can’t help me. There’s limits to what she can do for me.

Being off medication isn’t helping. I panic more because I don’t have help. My nightmares are back to being as real as how I lived them before.

The suffering isn’t worth it.

My arms were shaking as I tried to hold myself up. The unsettling chills went down my spine even though I was sweating. My heart hadn’t slowed down; it was like there was a clamped pressure in my chest. I blinked in the darkness and tried to make the room stop spinning but the more I thought about it, the sicker I got.

I felt weak and I was tired and sore. My thoughts weren’t slowing down. All my fears were crashing on to me at once and I feel like it won’t take long to be crushed by the anxiety.

I’ve never felt worse.

Sirus told Alara that he could bring me in. Whether I could get up or not is something I’m about to find out. The shaking didn’t stop. Even when he tried to help me up, the shaking continued in my legs and my hands. I was cold and sweating at the same time and its just the panic doing this to me.

Sirus helped me put a sweatshirt on. That didn’t help with how cold I felt but it was a step forward.

I don’t think I want to leave but with the way I’m feeling, I had to.

Sirus held on to me to keep me up right but I wasn’t going to make it far if he doesn’t carry me. My hands clutched on to his shirt because I was scared of falling, especially with how dark it was.

The panic was only getting worse. It shouldn’t last much longer but it felt like it just started. Over and over again, I got the thoughts of impending doom and I couldn’t make it stop. Why am I so scared all of a sudden?

What’s happening?

I couldn’t...

“...I’m not going to make it.” I said quietly to him, my voice shaking from the intense fear. “I c-can’t breathe.”

My hands clutched tighter on to him when I thought he was about to let go. I’ll fall if he let’s go and he can’t let that happen.

“I’m right here.” He assured me.

It was difficult to focus. I really thought I was having another heart attack. My mind continued to rush about all my problems, everything that caused me stress, all the things that made me miserable. I had to hold on to Sirus. I really was not going to make it much further than out the door.

The panic made me black out.

Cause when I could focus again, I was in a room with bright lights. I didn’t know where I was. Someone was shining more light in my eyes to get me to follow but I didn’t want to. I drew away and shielded my eyes from the white light. It took me a minute to realize my consciousness was being assessed.

A patient room. I’m in the hospital. It’s four in the morning, at least it was when I scrambled out of bed.

The light was giving me a headache and that’s not helpful. It continued to move side to side and I finally began to follow it to show response.

“...and his pupils are blown.” Magnolia said quietly and turned off the small light she had between her fingers. Behind her, Alara moved to dim the the lights. That eased my headache a bit.

“He’s still sweating.”

“He’s still having a panic attack.” Magnolia said and lifted my head with both her hands, her fingers pressing on my throat.

“I’m...f-” I couldn’t even finish.

No one was going to listen to me. Especially while I’m like this. I’m definitely not fine.

I had problems breathing. The strain on my chest was worse than I could handle. I was breathing hard but it was shallow, it was still like I was choking. My heart was beating just as rapidly as before, and now it was starting to hurt worse. Put that all together with my anxiety, and I just might pass out before I can say something else.

“His lymph nodes aren’t swollen. He doesn’t have a fever. The vomiting is related to the anxiety.” Magnolia said. “His pulse is too high and at this rate he’ll just go into cardiac arrest.”

That sounded terrible. And as much as I tried to calm myself down, I couldn’t. My thoughts were racing even when I wanted to focus. Alara didn’t believe that I was in such bad shape. There are things I haven’t told her but I guess I should’ve.

“There’s no way...”

“What’s his mental health number?” Magnolia asked them. They looked at each slowly.

They both know. I don’t. They weren’t going to ask me if it’s okay to tell. Its not like I could make a rational decision, especially not when I think the world is about to self destruct in the next minute.

“Nine-thirty-six...on a scale of a thousand.” Alara said quietly and held her hands together, playing with her fingers.

Magnolia turned back to look at me, her expression shocked.

I didn’t mean for it to get this bad. I had it handled for one day but I snapped after everything that was just tossed my way. I have thirteen days, that’s all I can think about. That’s why my thoughts were going wild.

There was no way to explain myself.

I couldn’t talk.

Magnolia turned back around. “I need consent to give him medication.” She wasn’t looking at Alara.

“Sirus, don’t.” Alara warned him. “Those medications are not in his best interest. We know Aurora. He’ll overdose just to get away from the anxiety.” Alara didn’t agree with anything too strong for me.

And Sirus didn’t care.

“Give it to him.” he told Magnolia anyway.

Maybe this is good. Stronger medication will help me. But Alara doesn’t think I’ll be able to handle it for long. I can handle it. I can deal with it. I won’t overdose. I should tell her that but I couldn’t breathe. The last thing I wanted to do is worry Alara. I didn’t mean to scare her.

Its just one of those mornings where it got bad.

Magnolia opened one of the cabinets in the room to get a small container of red pills. I had no idea what they were, what was in them, or how they would help. She didn’t waste any time opening up the yellow container and putting two pills in my hand. My fingers were still shaking, and it wasn’t till I had the pills resting on the palm of my hand that I remembered. My hand rose to put the pills in my mouth and I swallowed them.

“These pills relieve the immediate effects of an anxiety attack, the fast heart rate, the inability to breathe, and any other effects a patient might experience.” She told me as she moved a small light in front of my eyes. “The mental state, however, will barely change.” She warned me.

Alara knew what Magnolia was about to give me. She thinks I would overdose to get the worst part over with. But the pills doesn’t help with the real problems. It doesn’t help with what I’m dealing with. Just the physical symptoms.

I wouldn’t overdose. It’s not a pill that will really help me.

“If you want something to help your mental state, you have to talk to a doctor. I can’t prescribe anything for you, Aurora.” Magnolia told me.

“I’m okay with this.” I said quietly when I could breathe again.

“Someone needs to watch him for the night.”

I don’t need to be watched. “I want to go home.” I said.

“That’s fine-”

I wasn’t finished. “With Sirus.” I clarified.

A few moments ago, I heard a small vibration and it was coming from Sirus’ pocket. He was just called in to work. I already knew he was on standby but I didn’t think that a decision would be made so early in the morning.

Sirus won’t be here with me.

That means I can be alone for a few hours to control myself.

I’m not doing this to break Alara’s heart. I just want to be alone.

No one spoke as I hopped off the chair. I didn’t want to talk anyway so I was fine. I could walk on my own and breathe. My chest wasn’t on fire. My heart wasn’t going crazy. But my thoughts were still out of control with worry and fear. Why I couldn’t slow down, I have no idea, but it was hard to handle. I didn’t let it show on my face.

I was panicking but I couldn’t feel it.

The bottle of pills was my gift to go home with. I was going to go to bed and forget this happened to me. I just need one day where I’m not freaking out. The pills may be the help I need.

Sirus actually wasn’t happy, especially with the way he followed me into the room. He didn’t have anything to say about it the entire time, but I could tell that he wasn’t in a good mood about me leaving with him. I need to be alone, I need to think. He doesn’t agree. He thinks the last thing I need is to be alone. I know he’s not going to quietly let this one go. I should probably try my best to hide but I know I’m going to get an earful of what he’s thinking whether I want to hear it or not.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” He asked behind me as I walked into the room, turning on the lights. I knew this was coming. “Alara would’ve done a better job-”

“I am not mentally stable to make decisions right now.” I said plainly as I moved the blankets on the bed.

“Cut the bullshit, Aurora.” He snapped. “She knows how to help you. At least better than I can.”

It’s true. He’s right. And it won’t take him long to figure out why I wanted to come here instead of go with Alara. I could maybe lie my way through it, but I would actually have to sound convincing. I can’t do that right now, I’m too tired.

“You do know I couldn’t say anything.” I turned to face him.

He was there. He knows. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was choking. So why is he blaming this on me?

“You knew.” Sirus finally figured it out. That was a little too soon. “You really think I’m going to leave you alone after what just happened!-”

“I want to be alone.” I said loudly.

“Who cares what you want! You can’t even take care of yourself!”

“I’m tired!” I yelled at him. “I am so fucking tired of waking up in the middle of the night because I have nightmares, or not even being able to think about my job without remembering a rebellion is going on and I have to take care of it.” I said angrily. I just can’t believe that I can’t be left alone. “Just give me a break, okay.”

He doesn’t get it. I can yell and scream at him but he won’t get it. Either that or he doesn’t care. I don’t want to go home. I want to be alone. Why can’t he let me stay here on my own?

I just need a few hours to myself.

He didn’t say anything for a second, staring at me and holding in his outburst. For that second, I thought he was going to let it go. He didn’t say anything as he turned away to go to his closet to get his jacket and his badge.

“Go home, Aurora.” He finally said.

Is he...? Is he not listening to anything I’ve said?

“Did you not hear me?” I was getting angrier by the second. “I’m not leaving. I’m finally going to sleep.”

“And then what?” He turned to face me. “Wake up again from a nightmare but not feel the need to cry about it?” He asked, patronizing me.

And its not helping.

“You think you’ll be fine just because you don’t know that you’re going crazy?” He got closer to me, wanting me to look him in the eyes.

I was mad enough to start crying, angry enough that I didn’t want to hide myself away just because I felt the dampness on my face. Its been a week that I haven’t slept right. My eating habits are terrible. I can’t think. I can’t focus. Sirus yelling at me isn’t helping. Now I’m pissed off.

This is why I want him to leave me alone.

I glared up at him, my tears still wetting my cheeks. I had to hold back my screaming and shouting because I had no idea what I would say. But I was so close to just blowing up.

My head was spinning with all kinds of thoughts.

Sirus looked down at me and I know he wasn’t struggling with holding his temper back. I could tell by the glare in his dark eyes that he wasn’t thrilled. If only he was okay with leaving me alone, this wouldn’t be happening. I wish he would just understand that I would prefer to be alone.

I’m tired of fighting.

“I’m not going to force you to go home.” He said to me lowly. “But I am expecting you to.” He urged but not in a polite way. I think he’s threatening me.

I’m not going anywhere.

Just to prove it to him, I backed up and got into bed, bringing the blanket over my legs, all while watching him.

“Go home, Aurora.” He said again as he turned away to leave.

The last thing I was going to do was listen to him.

I need to be alone. I need to think about what I’m going to do over the next two weeks because that’s all I have left.

The amount of days I had left scared me. I should have more time. I need more time. The fact that I’m not sure if and when things will fall in to place is what’s giving me my severe anxiety attacks. I need to get all this under control. And assuming all the responsibility for this is what makes it worse.

I knew what I was getting myself into.

It just turned out to be worse than I expected.

I tried to get some sleep. It wasn’t as easy as I would hope but I had control over myself for some time so it wasn’t impossible. I waited till the sun came up to think about all the things I should do today.

One thing that should change is my behavior.

I’m just really tired so let me change that.

I decided that I should finally cut my hair. I’ve put it off for years and now I have the strength to finally do it. I should also go see Phoebe today too to talk about my extreme concerns about everything that’s happening.

Those two things weren’t​ the only things on my to do list today.

I don’t know if Alara was in a good mood or not but it didn’t stop me from going to see her. After what happened this morning, I don’t think she is that happy. I obviously chose Sirus over her, although I had a very specific reason for that. I wonder if she’ll understand, hopefully she will.

When she opened the door for me, she stared at me plainly, not saying anything. At first I thought she really was mad at me.

“I’m not mad.” She finally said when I began to pout. “You would only pick Sirus in a heart beat if you already had a way to manipulate the situation.”

I guess she knew too.

“I’m tired of being scared.” I told her.

“I know. That’s why I’m not mad.” She continued as she stepped aside to let me in. “But please, those pills aren’t the solution.”

“I won’t take them long.”

“You shouldn’t. You’ll hate the side effects of not being on them.” She laughed dryly.

“What?-”

“I warned Sirus, it’s not in your best interest.” Well she got me there. This is my punishment. “I like your haircut. Was that spontaneous today?” She asked.

I feel a little better, and I finally got the nerves to do something I should’ve done years ago. A haircut is simple but my resistance to doing it was probably my way of saying that everything is fine and nothing is messed up. Plus I like being able to see without tying up my hair, getting my bangs cut today has been the greatest thing I’ve done.

“Maybe.” I answered Alara’s question.

It wasn’t much of a trim. I got my bangs cut, and layered all around. Shorter hair is better but it’s not the same as how short I used to keep it when I actually cared.

“You still have dark marks under your eyes.”

“Just the physical symptoms were taken care of. Not my mental state.” I reminded her. I’m still going to have nightmares and I’m still not going to be able to sleep. “But thanks for caring.” I added, smiling.

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes and walked to the kitchen. “I’m just glad you’re up and moving around. I thought you’d just lay in bed and give in to your anxiety.” She glanced back.

“I almost did that.” I admitted.

“How’d Sirus take all this?” She asked, her tone changing just because she was curious about us.

“Anyway,” I was about to change the subject. “I should probably go talk to Phoebe today after my little panic attack.” I turned away so she couldn’t see my face.

I just don’t like it when Alara tries to get Sirus involved in things he doesn’t need to he involved in. It makes me panic a little. And sure I wouldn’t be able to feel myself panicking, but I still don’t like it.

“Make sure you tell her what meds you’re on now.” Alara reminded me.

“Why-”

“At some point, all this is going to be on your profile, so she might as well be prepared now.” She explained.

I was actually hoping that wouldn’t be the case, just because I planned on keeping the second profile. Phoebe knows about it and she knows I’m not okay but I just need the public to not know about it. The second I activate the real profile, the system will tag me as unfit to contribute when all I’ve been doing is contributing. I know my anxiety is bad, and I know I need to take time off to get myself together, but right now I have things to finish.

“Aurora, please take care of yourself.” Alara turned to face me. “I don’t know what happened but you use to always keep yourself in line.”

I pursed my lips and looked away. Honestly, things change. I can admit that. I guess I cracked under pressure. I’ve seen things I didn’t want to see. I’ve gone through things I’ve never thought I’d go through. I also got tired too quickly.

Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this in the beginning.

“Please, Aurora.” She begged me.

“I will. I promise.” I had to assure her that I was going to be okay, and I really was going to be...

After I finish all this.

But with the look in Alara’s eyes, I had to get myself together now so I might as well start with everything I’ve dealt with and talk to Phoebe.

I told Alara I was going to be okay and that I was going to tell Phoebe everything. That was after I took a pill when I felt a little anxious. I definitely had to take something for the anxiety. Plus, I’m going to be talking to Phoebe, I’m definitely going to feel the panic even while on these pills.

After leaving the house, I went to go see Phoebe. I had a feeling Rhea was around so I dodged her as much as I could while trying to make it safely inside Phoebe’s room.

How was I going to tell her what happened to me? She can clearly see how sick I am but she wasn’t talking.

I kept my head down, my hands in my hair. I wanted to think of something, not an excuse but an explanation. I didn’t have one.

“My nightmares are worse.” I told her quietly. “My attacks feel like I’m about to die.” I also told her that too since it was relevant.

“So...” she just wanted to make sense of my rambling since I did throw in some new information, “you’re taking the heavy hitter antipsych meds.” She wanted to make sense of it. “You’re sixty-four points away from being declared too unstable mentally to function and unfit to be around society.”

“I’m fine.”

“Aurora,” she warned and glanced up to look at me. “This is the worst I’ve seen you. And the deal was to keep this off the record until the rebellion is over but the department-”

“No.” I stopped her idea quickly. “You tell someone and I get admitted to a mental hospital.”

“They will find out-”

“Not right now. I haven’t changed the settings on my tablet.” I said and put my head down again. “Please, just help me.” I said.

“Alright, then you’re going to have to put everything out there.”

I knew that. I walked in here already knowing that.

“Everything’s been weird lately.” I started out., looking off to the side as I tried to get my thoughts together. “And I mean extremely weird. Things have been going the way I want it to.”

“That’s a good thing...?” She wasn’t sure.

But neither was I.

“In this situation, it’s really not.” I clarified. I sighed before talking again. “I expect more disagreement and fighting but it’s like...Iris knows what I’m telling everyone.” I said.

“And that’s bad...?” It’s clear that she didn’t see why it was. If Iris knows and isn’t doing anything to get me imprisoned, it just means he’s quietly on my side, right?

I don’t believe it.

He’s up to something and someone or someones are in on it.

“I’m still trying to get around the system so yes that’s bad.” I told Phoebe as I continued to think this through.

Someone’s being disloyal.

“There’s a leak somewhere.” I said, more to myself but she heard me.

“And this is what stresses you out.” She said.

“It could turn out to be a trap, and I’ll get arrested before I could destroy the issue.” I explained. Clearly I was taking the short cut in providing details. I sat up and ran my hands through my hair. “I think someone close to me might be telling Iris what’s going on. Everything I said has played out the way I wanted to. And it honestly shouldn’t have.” I said, reexplaining everything more to myself, and getting a little more worried. “I expected more resistance or maybe for it to have taken longer but that’s not how it was. It was...easy.”

“You don’t expect things to be easy. Or better yet, you don’t like things to be easy when it’s supposed to be difficult.”

I mean...sure...? I rubbed my cheek.

“Is it the interference of another person?” She asked.

“No...” I don’t think so. “It’s wanting to figure out who’s the leak. It’s...feeling a little pissed off that there’s people who swear loyalty to me but aren’t keeping up with it.”

“Betrayal. That’s leading to insecurities, Aurora.” She told me. Well I’m not insecure. “Who do you think it is?”

Who...

I thought for a long moment. “Sirus has been acting weird lately. But if he’s the leak, it’s not just him, he’d be working with someone else.” I was lost in thought.

The distraction is the largest clue. He’s being distracting. The thing is, Sirus is never really one to pick sides. So he’s half way in the situation, not necessarily giving in to whatever it is Iris may have over him and keeping quiet about it, but not exactly turning away the opportunity, whatever it may be.

“If it’s not him, it just points to one person that Iris wants to keep tabs on me.” I wasn’t sure about that one. I could narrow it down, but to only about twenty people. None of them seem like the type to double cross me on their own.

It seems more likely that it’s the first explanation then. Not because I don’t trust Sirus, but because I feel like more than one person is involved.

“I don’t have trust issues, but right now, I don’t trust anyone.” I let Phoebe know for future references.

Now I have to change how I express my plans. I can’t go for the predicted ideas. Or maybe I should make this more difficult than it should be. That way, I can make Iris sweat. If he wanted to arrest me, he would’ve done it already.

I want to know why he’s watching. Whatever he’s doing, there has to be something he’s getting out of it.

Why does he care...

“You already know I don’t like Janus...” I started again with Phoebe, my thumb rubbing over my lip. I stared at the table and tried to come up with something that could end this. “I wonder if he plays a part in this.”

“Judging by the way you said it, I don’t think you believe he does.” Now she’s just enabling my wild thoughts.

I wasn’t panicking about the different scenarios. At least right now I wasn’t. There were many different ways this could happen. But I feel like Iris just entered our little war to see how it will go. If he wanted to intervene, he would’ve already.

Everything is severely compromised.

Now I have to keep things to myself.

“It’s not Hariette. She doesn’t like Iris enough to let him manipulate her.” I continued with my thoughts. “Nova would’ve told me already. Taurus would’ve told me already on purpose. Libra and Haroldo...”

I stopped at them.

I continued to rub my thumb over my lip as I thought about the two of them. They always wait on me to make a move so it’s definitely not them. I don’t know why I paused to consider them.

“The only way to explain this is that its a group of people.” I said to myself.

“Seems to me that you’ve found yourself something to keep you occupied.” Phoebe commented on how distracted I was at the moment. We should be talking about how stressed I am but we weren’t doing that. “Are you stressed now?” She asked.

“No. But its probably the meds.” I said.

“Controlling your thoughts?”

“Yes...” I was doing that rather well to be honest.

“You love a good challenge, Aurora. However, its handling going through with your strategies and plans that seem to stress you out.” she said. “And sometimes you second guess yourself, psyching yourself out, then completely breakdown.”

Hm.

That’s nice insight.

“The second you go to confirm your theory, you will panic.” she knows me too well.

I want to confirm my theory and chances are I will. She’s right about a lot of things that happens with me.

“So when you do have an anxiety attack, please don’t hesitate to talk to me. I would rather you break down with me than go through it yourself.”

“I’ll be okay, Phoebe, I’m serious.” I assured her.

She didn’t think I was that convincing. Then again, I didn’t try that hard. I rolled my eyes when she persisted. We should talk about something else until I panic right at this moment. There’s more than just Iris watching my movements that’s getting to me. Now I have to tell her how I have two weeks to get my act together.