Rebellion

I don’t like Janus.

I don’t like talking to him, I don’t like talking about him, I don’t like looking at him.

I don’t like Janus.

But his first five sectors are missing so there’s not much he can do to me. Sure he could go down to the lower sections of the department and get the police to arrest me but that’s not the point. He won’t do anything.

It’s going to be hard to be smart enough to make him admit that he’s part of this, if he is part of this.

We both sat in his command room, not even saying a word. We’ve been staring at each other for about five minutes now. I didn’t want to instigate anything and neither did he. We’ve stayed out of each other’s​ business up until this moment.

“I know you’re the cause of the escalation with the rebellion.” I said to break the silence.

“I know you’ve been taking counter measures against it.” he retorted.

We’ve known that for a while. This is not new information. I just wanted to put it out there and so did he. Even if he’s trying to get me to confess to more, there’s not much it’s going to do to help him. I’m already guilty and I’ve accepted that. I just wonder what’s going to happen to him when this is all over. There’s no way I’m going down quietly.

The really reason I was here was to ask about Iris. I don’t suspect that Janus is working with him. Iris has been fairly quiet which means he doesn’t believe any of the complaints coming from the sectors.

“Know anything about the snitch in one of your sectors?” I asked. He did well to hide the confusion but the lack of an answer was what told me he didn’t know what I was talking about.

Janus doesn’t know anything.

“They’re all disloyal. What makes you think they wouldn’t have done anything against you”?” he asked like he got one over on me. He actually didn’t. If it doesn’t have to do with him then I think Iris is just observing.

“What made you think it was a good idea to destroy people’s lives?” I asked him as I folded my hands on the table. “Why would you think you could quietly make me shut up without going through the consequences?”

“Why get involved?”

I bit the inside of my cheek instead of saying anything. His grey eyes were cold and unwavering. He didn’t like me but I don’t like him. I could tell he was holding back the anger by the way he locked his jaw and clenched his teeth.

“What do you gain out of silencing people?” I just went back to the questions.

“A perfect society where no one questions what’s being done for them.” he answered without hesitation. That means he was waiting a while to get the opportunity to take control.

And I never saw this coming. He had to have these plans for years. There has to be something that’s motivating him for this.

Was he disrespected or something?

Is that it?

Did someone hurt him?

“What’s the point of undoing that?” He asked me. Does he not see the issue? I mean I hope he understands that I’m not going to sit by and let him continue.

I’ve invested too much into this.

“I just don’t like you.” I answered simply since that’s part of it. “You’ve ruined over hundreds of lives, forcing me to use illegal ways to counteract everything you’ve done, not to mention that I’ve mentally cracked trying to handle the forces you call incompetent.” I explained without feeling threatened.

He’s the cause of all my recent problems. Thanks to him, I’ve really struggled to handle everything, so of course I don’t like him.

“No, I feel like you’ve gotten yourself involved because you still want to be relevant.” He said, making me roll my eyes. “Do you want your job back?”

“That’s the last thing I want.” I answered without a second of hesitation. “You want to give it all up before it all goes to shit? Because once I destroy everything, everyone will be on your ass to get you imprisoned.”

“If you destroy everything, your pending charges will no longer be pending.”

Wow, okay, asshole. “Think that’s going to stop me? I know my charges will come out eventually, why should that bother me?” I was getting more defensive as I put my hands on the table.

It’s not like me to have a temper. I don’t get mad easily. Janus really knows how to push my patience.

The whole getting arrested is not causing my anxiety anymore. What’s really freaking me out is the snitch that Janus doesn’t know about. The fact that he doesn’t know means that I shouldn’t be wasting my time here. I have to be somewhere else anyway.

Hariette’s waiting for me in the southeastern region. Apparently, she gave the green light on moving up the mission. If she’s the one that does it, I doubt the snitch will say something. Hopefully. However, with all the sectors in position, it’ll be hard to keep anymore secrets.

Iris is not an idiot.

This is why I’m having difficulties.

I got up out of my seat and decided to leave without saying another word. Right now I need to focus and get myself together. There’s no reason for me to be struggling.

I’m fine.

And I’m not just thinking that as a reminder. If anyone asks me, I should be able to say something without hesitating. Especially if Phoebe asks me, I shouldn’t hesitate. I know I’m fine.

When I was just about to leave, Nova came by to tell me something. I hadn’t seen her in a few days, I wonder how she is. As much as I wanted to direct the conversation as much as possible from the Rebellion, I know that’s all she really needed to talk to me about.

“Rhea’s watching.” She whispered. “I heard you snapped.”

From who!

“Nova-”

“There’s a rumor about Iris not making a move against you so I was also told that you don’t need to freak out.” She said quietly as she looked around.

Who is talking to her?

“Thanks.” I looked away.

Iris won’t make a move against me? Of course he won’t. I know he’s just watching. What pisses me off is that someone or someone’s are talking to him and it’s unnecessary. That’s what gets to me.

Maybe Libra and Haroldo more about this than some other people. I had to get going so I could see them first. I know Hariette isn’t involved about the leakage, but because Libra’s and Haroldo’s sectors are involved they should know something.

It was only just an hour later that I met up with the rest of them. Was I happy to be here? No. Absolutely not. I hadn’t slept or eaten. I’m tired. But we have to speed things up before the Department of Justice puts me to trial for every crime I’ve committed.

Haroldo and Libra stood by me as Hariette told the other sectors what they were doing, where they were going, and how to do it. I wasn’t going to say anything. She was okay with taking over the rest of everything. I’m a little wiped out and just needed a moment for it to be quiet. Haroldo and Libra also suspected that their sectors were running their mouths but they didn’t know how to handle it. The best way is to say nothing for now. The sectors think they’re doing the right thing and at this point I can’t stop them.

“Let’s just believe this doesn’t end up bad.” Libra said quietly, turning away.

“Sector zero won’t shoot.” Haroldo was sure of it.

“That’s not my problem.” I said and crossed my arms. Whether sector zero does something or not doesn’t matter. “What does Iris want?”

“If he’s not bringing you in yet then it’s something big.” Haroldo whispered.

Of course it is.

I should talk to Sirus. Not that I could think clearly, but there has to be something he could tell me. I needed anything that would give me a clue.

Why would everyone listen to Iris instead of me?

What can’t I give them that he can?

I walked away but not before making eye contact with Sirus.

It’s been two days. I probably still wouldn’t have talked to him even if we were in the same space.

We fight a lot so I’m not really bothered by it. What I’m really shaken up by is the person or persons that’s telling our information. My information. Sirus knows something and I want him to tell me.

We walked away from the bigger group to get a bit of space. Just in case we start yelling at each other, no one will hear. I tugged at the sleeves of my sweater as I tried to let go of my irritation.

He turned around to face me after we were far enough away. I moved my fingers in the sleeves of my sweater and crossed my arms over my chest. Usually he tells me how he hates when I wear clothes that’s out of season, as if wearing a sweater at the end of May is going to do something. I let out a breath and tried to think about what to say. Well, how to say what I want to say. He waited quietly but he was watching me, I could feel it. The closer I got, the more it began to bother me. I kept my eyes down, staring at his chest instead of looking up to meet his eyes.

“You’re still acting weird.” I said quietly and swallowed the lump in my throat. “You’re not...telling anything to Iris, are you?”

I’ve already covered my trust issues. I trust that sometimes, Sirus believes he’s making the right decisions. I trust that he has my best interest. He couldn’t care less about what’s going on that doesn’t involve us. But to get him on to a different side? That takes more than just trust and loyalty. It takes obedience.

Iris has something he wants, doesn’t he?

By the way Sirus kept silent, I figured that all my worrying was just answered for.

“Why would you...” I didn’t understand.

“I didn’t say anything.” He finally opened his mouth.

“If you did, I wouldn’t suspect that you and the others were all talking to Iris about what’s going on.” I explained. “You’ve been a distraction and you know it.”

He didn’t say anything.

He’s still proving me right.

“The fact that you aren’t talking just shows that I’m right.”

“I don’t want to fight you.” He said, but that’s only to defend himself, and he wasn’t doing a very good job of it though.

He always wants to fight me. He’s being distracting right now. He knows it too.

I wasn’t feeling well because of him but I didn’t warn him to keep his hands off me. I’m sure now he would ask how I’m feeling, how I dealt with being by myself, if the medication actually works. It showed on my face that I knew so he didn’t ask.

I didn’t stop him when he touched me. His hand moved to my back, closing the small space there was between us. I mashed my lips together and breathed in, trying to not get mad but I really was. He wasn’t really trying to help himself or defend himself now. Was he not going to make me feel better by telling me that there’s nothing Iris could hold over him?

I’m expecting too much from him.

I’ve passed being angry. No. I just started laughing weakly, hiding the real struggle my brain scrambled to control.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this.” I backed away from him and put distance between us. “You know the fastest way to confuse me is to play with my emotions, and you’re just using that to your advantage.”

I was confused. I was distracted. It worked. And Sirus didn’t say anything because I know their secret, I don’t know what the point of it was, or why they were doing this. I just know they’re doing something.

Sirus really hasn’t bothered me like this before. I don’t think he’s been disloyal with me before either. He usually tells me about threats, I didn’t think he’d become one.

“Whatever Iris is giving you must be worth it.” I said, not too optimistic. And of course Sirus wouldn’t say anything about it.

So who else is a traitor?

He wasn’t fighting the accusation. Not even a simple remark came out of his mouth. This is the only secret I was hoping he wouldn’t keep from me.

I just know now that I’m going to have everyone on me before I can do anything. Iris will take measures to stop me. He’s just going to wait till it really matters, as if right now didn’t matter enough. But either way, I’m in trouble. Iris knows what I’m doing.

And that wasn’t part of my plan.

There was no point to doing this anymore even with all my efforts. I’ve wasted weeks feeling horrible because of the anxiety this gave me. I’ve suffered for months trying to find the right way to handle this. There were times where I wanted to give up and end everything.

It’s not fair that Sirus would do this to me.

What’s the point now? Iris knows everything. He will have everyone stop me.

It’s not fair.

Sirus can’t even tell me what Iris is giving him in return. No one will tell me. So that means it has to be something big, something they all desperately want.

After everything I’ve done, this is what happens to me.

I blinked back the tears that began to blur my vision.

The one thing that stuck with me is that I didn’t get a chance to sleep this morning. I barely ate today. I’ve thought of so many bad scenarios. I even had to hold my own with Janus. And I might be on stronger medication that numbs everything but it’s not enough. I’m still a mess and I feel like it was all wasted.

It’s not fair anymore.

I couldn’t feel the panic but I knew it was happening. Sirus didn’t seem guilty, but who am I to expect him to be?

He doesn’t care.

“Go to hell.” I said, loud enough for him to hear the bitterness and hopelessness that I felt, and turned to walk away.

I used the sleeves of my sweater to wipe away the tears. There wasn’t much, just the few tears that I couldn’t hold back. For now, I didn’t feel terrible, like I wanted to rip my hair out. I just felt...empty.

I’ve never been so tired. Mentally.

I’m tired of it all.

I walked back to the group and pulled Hariette off to the side. Now I need to find out who exactly is telling secrets to Iris. Is it just sector leaders or the sectors themselves?

“Split leaders from their sectors.” I told her.

“So it is true.” She sighed, hoping it wasn’t. I don’t believe Hariette would tell, she’s only in this for herself.

“I don’t know to what degree it’s true, but we’re going to find out.” I said.

“How do you want them organized?” She asked.

“Iris already has them placed in their locations, let’s not change that.” I thought to myself for a second. “Just put sector leaders with me instead.”

That’s one she didn’t agree with. “What makes you think they won’t do anything?” She asked. If they were going to do something, would they have done it already? “There’s no point to bringing reinforcement when-”

“They’re not going to kill me, Hariette.” I told her to clear that assumption. I don’t think its that drastic. “Being separated from their sectors will make them a little anxious, which proves my point that they’re talking. If it’s their sectors giving information, then they won’t care what happens.” I explained

“Make it a last minute decision then.” She offered up the suggestion. “Run everything like it is, but at the last moment, change your mind and split sector leaders.” She said.

If Iris catches wind of that, he will take drastic measures to stop us. I can’t believe this is what I have to deal with. I rubbed my forehead and stared at the ground, trying to figure out what to do.

“What if we split them up now, but change the time we operate?” I asked, more to myself but Hariette heard me.

“The whole point of having the other sectors here is to hold sector zero down long enough for you to make a move.” She reminded me.

“Well that’s not going to change at all. Sector zero is probably on standby based on Iris’ orders anyway. What are they going to do to me?” I asked. Within this time frame, it’s either I can finish what I started or sector zero apprehends me before I take the first step inside that building. “We should do this an hour ahead.” I told her.

“That is not a good idea.” She warned me, but that was all she said. She didn’t try to give me reasons why it’s a bad idea.

I could list a few but I wasn’t going to discuss that at the moment.

“Let’s not talk about this to anyone right now.” It should be a surprise to prove my point. Catching the other sectors off guard would be better for me. If Iris doesn’t know what’s going on, I’d get more wiggle room with my plan.

If the sectors are trying to make this happen a certain way, then making certain changes is a very good idea.

I didn’t say anything as I walked by her. For now, I don’t say anything about what happens. Hopefully, that will get told to Iris, and will look like I’m backing off or second guessing myself. There has to be a way for me to get the advantage.

I didn’t bother Hariette anymore for the rest of the day. She had work to do, well my work and her work to do, and the last thing I was going to do was piss her off. I wanted to sleep but I was too bitter and angry to. A lot has been happening and it’s still overwhelming. I had to take another pill just so I wouldn’t crumble and self destruct.

I needed to talk to someone and lucky for me, Phoebe says I can always call if I need her. It’s a little late but I hope it’s not a bother. I’m just not feeling the way I should right now, its like I’m sick or going to be.

“What do you feel like?” She asked me. “Anything different? New? Frustrating?” She asked.

“I’m tired.” I rubbed my thumbs on my forehead as I kept my head down. “Not physically tired, but mentally.” I clarified.

Is this my breaking point? Did I already crack or am I about to? I’m irritable again, even someone breathing makes me want to scream. And this whole Rebellion thing makes me want to go to bed. Everything is frustrating. I’m tired of what’s happening to me.

I’m just so tired.

“Why?” She asked.

“I don’t know.” I answered.

“You do know, Aurora. There’s no reason for you to get upset over nothing. So what’s making you mentally tired?”

I had to think about it. My eyes opened and I stared down at the blank screen of my tablet. I was more than just tired. Maybe upset, maybe angry. A lot of things are happening, and in a few more hours, I’m expected to risk my life for people who actually made it riskier than it needed to be.

“I want everything to stop. I’ve done my part. Why can’t someone else do the work?” I’m tired of doing this.

I’m always taking the fall for everything, thinking of ways to get out of trouble and terrible situations, coming up with ideas that other people should be coming up with. And yes, Hariette has been doing a great job with doing the rest of the work for me, but even when all this is over she’s not the one that will get in trouble. It will be me.

“Maybe I should’ve ignored everything that happened.” I said sadly. This shouldn’t be my problem.

I was warned about what this could do to me. I’m ruined to be honest. If I just minded my own business then maybe I wouldn’t be this messed up.

“You already know that you wouldn’t have anyway.” Phoebe said.

I didn’t respond.

“If you had the chance to do it all over, what would you change?” She asked.

“I would’ve tried harder to take care of myself first.” I covered my face and took a deep breath to hide the fact that I was about to start crying.

Again.

And I’m not sad. I’m frustrated. I’ve never been so conflicted in the past year. And I’m still trying to figure everything out.

“I hate that I let this happen.” I began to cry from the anger. “And now I’m stuck not trusting anyone because they’re all traitors.” I said bitterly.

“You don’t think they have your best interest in mind?” She asked.

“They have their own interest in mind.”

“What if they’re doing this to protect you?” She asked, not to give me hope but to make sure I rule out every possibility since apparently I’ve stopped doing that lately.

I rubbed my sleeve on my face and lifted my head up to stare at the walls of my room.

“If they were trying to protect me, they would’ve told me what’s going on.” I said, already knowing. “They aren’t telling me because they’re getting something out of it.”

“What could they possibly want?”

Well if I knew that, I would’ve tried to give more so they would keep their mouths shut. I don’t know what they want, but they want it badly if they’re keeping this a secret from me. Even Sirus won’t tell me, which is big. Whatever Iris is giving them will practically make them do anything.

“I don’t know.” I said quietly. I have no clue what they want.

“You shouldn’t let this eat you up. At this point, it’s not your fault. You know what they’re doing isn’t because of you.” She told me.

“I could get in a worse situation with them talking about what’s going on.” I said.

“Maybe. Maybe not. If there was a possibility of things getting worse for you, wouldn’t it have already gotten that way?”

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

“You still hate uncertainty, Aurora. That’s going to really hurt you.” She warned me.

I’m sorry that I’m worried about my life, that I’m worried that all those people I’m sacrificing my time for might not get the help they need because some others are stupid and tried to one up me.

I’m sorry I cared.

I’m sorry that I can never mind my own business.

Phoebe is right, then again, she always is. I sighed and tried to think of a solution to this issue, my personal issue. It’s going to take more than being calm for me to give up my lack of affinity for what I can’t predict or control.

“Don’t let what you don’t know kill you. It’s not worth it.” She said.

“Okay.”

“Good for the night?” She asked.

“I’ll be fine.” I hoped I was going to be fine.

The call ended and now I was left alone. The silence was bearable, I could tolerate how quiet it was, how much I was thinking, everything.

I could breathe.

I unlocked my tablet to check my health. It was a bit lower than this morning, still alarming but enough of an improvement to show that I am calming down. As long as I can breathe and think through this, I’ll be fine.

I shut off the screen and I was left in the dark again. My hands lifted in my hair, holding my bangs back as I stared into the darkness of the table.

In just a few hours, I’ll go ahead and risk everything.

And I wasn’t worried, mostly because I’m screwed no matter what outcome happens. I can live with that.

I was okay.

There was a knock at my door. I thought about not getting up to get it, but then I thought that maybe if its Hariette I might actually want to get the door. I got out of my seat slowly and wiped my face with the sleeves of my sweater. I kept the lights off but easily made my way around to the door.

When I opened it, I was pushed aside immediately so Sirus could come in and shut the door rather harshly.

I don’t know if he gets it or not but I don’t want to see him.

He pushed me against the wall and kept me there, making sure I couldn’t get passed him, that I wouldn’t try to move away. I kept quiet. I said everything I needed to say earlier, now it’s done. His hands moved to my waist, gently, and he brought himself too close to me. That’s what got me annoyed. He just doesn’t get it.

“Was I not clear earlier?” I asked him, turning my head away because I knew he would try to kiss me.

“I heard you.” he said.

I don’t think he did.

“Now its your turn to listen.” he said.

I don’t care about anything he has to say. This time, I really did try to shove passed him but he just pushed me back against the wall. Apparently I wasn’t trying very hard since he didn’t have to use that much force. The fact that he wasn’t getting mad was saying a lot too.

What could he possibly have to say?

“You need to calm down, Aurora.” he said but I just rolled my eyes and sighed because it’s not like I haven’t heard that one before. “I’m not kidding anymore. All this panicking and crying is going to kill you.” he didn’t sound that concerned for me.

“You’re not really helping.”

“No. I’m not doing anything.” he corrected me. “I haven’t said anything. And as much as I want to, you’d just stop everything the second I do.”

“What is it?” I got curious. He didn’t answer and that was the worst part. “What is Iris giving you?” I pressured. He didn’t say anything. “If you have nothing to say, then leave.”

He didn’t talk, but he didn’t leave either.

I didn’t want to stand here in the dark with him so close to me. I know the ideas he gets and I would prefer if he left me alone. I’m not in a good mood. If I really wanted to, I could force him away but would I get him to leave me alone? Probably not.

“If Iris really cared, he’d stop you, wouldn’t he?”

“I don’t know.” I said with an attitude. “You’re the one talking to him.” I continued. And when I tried to move, he just pushed me back on the wall.

“Why hasn’t he done anything?” He asked.

“These are questions I should be asking you.” I pointed out.

But I caught on. Sirus can’t say anything, but as usual, he gave me clues. Of course Iris is watching. He’s not intervening because he wants to see how this plays out. Am I really going to mess up the system? Or is it just a game? Why would Iris want to let me get that far? There will be irreversible damage if he lets me continue. Unless he doesn’t know that I’m going to damage the system’s core.

“What is he giving you?” I was still curious and desperate. I wanted to know what has Sirus and the others so loyal to Iris instead of me.

This is not fair.

“You still have issues trusting me-”

I actually trust him with my life and it seems like he’s the one putting me in danger.

“My life is on the line with this one, Sirus. Excuse me for being a little paranoid.” I leaned more against the wall, trying to hold back my anger.

I don’t have trust issues. Sirus thinks he’s doing something right. And he’s wrong. However, he thinks he’s doing the right thing. I would prefer if he just tells me.

“Think I would let some other department haul you off?” He asked and I pursed my lips in.

“...No.” I answered with slight resistance.

“I also wouldn’t let someone else hurt you either, and that includes Iris.” He said. “So stop being paranoid.”

I want to believe it’s not a bad thing but I can decide that when he tells me, if he tells me. I would love to know what it is that Iris is giving them. Maybe I could do it too.

“Okay.” I told Sirus anyway so he would just leave me alone.

“Better?”

Not in the slightest.

Was I going to tell him? Absolutely not. However, I believe he thinks I’m playing along anyway. I’m just so tired of all this and it would’ve been great if he were the one to put me at ease by just telling me the truth but I guess I’m expecting too much.

“Still mad at me?” He asked. After so many years, I’m surprised that Sirus has to ask even if he picks up on my emotions.

“Considerably.” I answered. “And it doesn’t make me feel better when you don’t tell me anything.” I snapped but I tried not to be bitter. “I get that you think you’re protecting me from whatever bullshit is going on, but you, of all people, shouldn’t be doing this to me.”

I expect the most from him.

He didn’t say anything. The only thing I noticed were his fingers moving underneath my sweater, touching my skin at my waist. I wasn’t going to let him get far tonight, that’s for sure. If he wants to tune me out, he’s going to have to do that with his hands off me.

“Trust me.” he said, though I was very resistant to doing so. He could feel that resistance. “Trust me, Aurora.” he was serious.

I mashed my lips together as he came closer to me. The worst part of this is that I do trust him. That’s why it’s bothering me that he would go behind my back about what’s going on. I closed my eyes and tried to remain calm. I could still breathe and think. That’s all that mattered. I wasn’t panicking yet. Sirus stayed close, waiting for me to get it together. I could feel him breathing on my skin.

I didn’t want to stay against the wall anymore. I don’t want to feel him this close to me, holding me, breathing on me. I should be mad at him. I need to stay mad at him and everyone else. It’s only when he’s doing this that I don’t get as angry.

This is such a terrible distraction and I knew it.

Sirus is never this nice with me, never this patient, or gentle. He doesn’t try to get me to understand what he’s doing, never tries to actually reassure me, never does more than what he has to. This is how I know this is more serious than I would hope.

I opened my eyes slowly when I felt his forehead press to mine. His hands were pressing on to my skin, keeping me against the wall so I wouldn’t move away. I wasn’t going to but he still kept me in place anyway. Since he’s calm with me, maybe I should ask him what’s going on.

“Tell me what Iris is giving you.” I said quietly, my fingers holding on to his arms. I’m desperate to figure it out. “Please,” I whispered, begging him.

It has to do with me, doesn’t it? Sirus can’t tell me because Iris has something over me and he’s going to use it. That’s what it is. I just...

Sirus let his hands drop from where they were on me and backed away. I guess he said enough for the night.

“You’re gonna be fine, Aurora. Stop freaking out.” He said and turned away to leave.

He can say it as many times as he wants but that doesn’t help. I was still scared. There’s not much Iris can have over me but the big thing is leveraging my charges that are against me...the sectors are trying to get them dropped, aren’t they? Is that what Iris is promising? But in return for what?

Sirus told me not to panic but I was doing the opposite. It’s not fair that I’m the only one who doesn’t know anything.

I guess tomorrow morning I’ll figure out what it is.